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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL gives bigger plates of food to men

459 replies

Sofin · 02/09/2019 08:13

We are often invited for dinner by MIL, about once a week. MIL has the idea that men need significantly more food than women, and DH's plate is always way bigger than mine. I've come to terms with this. But yesterday, she made pie and chips and DH literally had about three times as many chips as me and twice as much pie! I got about 7-8 chips and he had a tower of them. I felt like I was given a kids portion. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and had been working all day yesterday and was starving! DH had not been working, just been to the park for a little bit with DD. There are no extra helpings at MIL's either as she literally dishes out all the food to everyone. I was still hungry after, and honestly felt insulted and embarrassed :( AIBU?

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 04/09/2019 00:18

It's never a host's job to police the relative calorie intake of their guests!
How the fuck did this thread get derailed onto that topic? This is one meal a week. When you host, it is about generosity and hospitality, MIL is being ungenerous and rude to her DIL. The OP reports that her portion was tiny not just marginally smaller than her husband's.
What is particularly awful is that is clearly did stir insecurities in the OP about her weight and how much her bump etc. is responsible.

Original poster
Sofin · 04/09/2019 07:54

@blueluce85 It was a very busy day, I normally eat more than that for lunch. Besides, MIL knew this. She was fully aware that DH had a lazy day and that I'd had a busy one. And shouldn't there be room for arriving hungry to the meal anyway? Or is it normal to be invited for tea and have a snack before?

Talked to my mum yesterday and she literally said "This is why I let my guests serve themselves" :)

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 04/09/2019 08:07

Men do tend to eat more imo.
If you wanted more then just share DH’s.
They do not need 3 times the amount on a plate than a woman does!
And since when is it normal that when you go to someone house for a meal you have to take food off your dh's plate so you have a normal.portion?

FrenchBoule · 04/09/2019 08:09

Serving dish is fine as long as the host prepared enough food for everybody. If the host is stingy or eats like a bird and expects the others to do the same there wouldn’t be much on the table anyway.

I remember one thread on MN where the host accounted the food for everybody- think one pork chop per person- and by the time serving dish was halfway there was no meat left.

It’s extremely rude to invite people for a meal and not provide enough food for everybody or present such disparity in portions when serving.

FrenchBoule · 04/09/2019 08:13

@Willow2017 because some people eat 7-8 chips and think that everybody should eat the same as it’s normal adult’s portion size.

I’m not overweight btw.

nettie434 · 04/09/2019 08:15

Oh Sofin, there is no need to feel you have to justify feeling hungry. Your MIL is not a nutritionist dishing out the Recommended Daily Amounts for the day. She was the host (hostess) whose job, if she was serving her guests rather than letting them to help themselves, was to ask what sort of a portion people wanted and to give them that.

Gottobefree · 04/09/2019 08:20

Relatable .... I'm the youngest and have two older brothers and a dad. All of them would get large portions and priority to seconds !

Growing boys .... as if ! Mum's love their sons no matter what and they spoil them rotten. It sounds like MIL is still very 'traditional' in the sense of the role of a mother and providing a lot of food for working men, even though your DH didn't go to work !

Next time be strong and confident and ask for more food. Maybe she doesn't realise your appetite can take more food and you're still hungry. Also compliment the food and say 'that looks delicious ! could I have some more?'

It makes you seem polite and then maybe she will realise you have a bigger appetite !

FrenchBoule · 04/09/2019 08:21

Seriously OP, if you’re going there once a week, raise the issue at the table- your DH should notice now if he hasn’t so far. Give him a nudge if the situation arises again and ask MIL for some more. If there’s nothing left to give you either take some of your DH - he should have offered this himself.

If this fails then either stop going there or take your own food but that would indicate you have more serious problem then just food distribution.

woodchuck99 · 04/09/2019 08:26

@Willow2017 because some people eat 7-8 chips and think that everybody should eat the same as it’s normal adult’s portion size.

That's obviously not the case here or the MIL wouldn't have given the DH so much more. 7-8 chips is not a "normal portion size" for most people and anyone who thinks it is is either very short or they are one of those people who is always on a diet and while not overweight at the moment often are.

nicola18737 · 04/09/2019 08:31

Ooooh this really annoys me. This happened recently when a close older family member was dishing up lunch and gave my husband an extra sandwich. I said "why does my DH get extra?", she said "because he's a man!". I said that it wasn't fair as I was starving!!

It turned into a running joke then that I was a bit highly strung or whatever, but in the end I don't care because I hate men getting preferential treatment, especially from a member of my own family.

MulticolourMophead · 04/09/2019 08:44

I still don’t understand not asking for more

In OP's original post she says MIL always dishes everything out, there are no extra helpings.

Willow2017 · 04/09/2019 09:06

Willow2017 because some people eat 7-8 chips and think that everybody should eat the same as it’s normal adult’s portion size.
If 6 chips is an adult portion them why did ops dh get 3 times as much food on his plate?
its not btw
You don't police what the women at your table eat especially when you know they are pregnant and haven't eaten.much all day due to being too busy at work.

rideawhiteswan · 04/09/2019 09:09

It's a fact that an average man needs 25% more calories than an average woman.
However I do think the op's mil is being thoughtless or rude.

Next time you go for dinner before its served I'd ask for a big portion as you are very hungry. If she does the same again despite asking, plan ahead with your husband that he will swap dinners.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/09/2019 09:33

You need to nip this in the bud before you have your baby.

Visiting the in laws when I was breastfeeding practically pushed me over the edge, with In laws serving me the same smallish portions as before my pregnancy. I have never felt that level of hangry.

BertrandRussell · 04/09/2019 09:39

“Could I have some more, please?”

PandaAtTheZoo · 04/09/2019 09:58

My Mil serves everyone a toddler size meal. Her last boxing day meal was a third of the size of what I served for Christmas dinner. I usually have to take snacks and hide them if I stay at her house. She also gives you a funny look if you ask for more.
What does your Mil say if you ask for more food?

BertrandRussell · 04/09/2019 10:10

My ex sil used to do this, then eat hers incredibly fast and then comment on how greedy everyone else was with their massive portions that took so long to eat. Even though she had served them!

ineedaholidaynow · 04/09/2019 10:50

We tend to have French fries rather than 'chips', I would not be impressed if I was given 7 of them!

LovePoppy · 04/09/2019 11:17

@Sofin do you actually want help? Or just to complain?

Original poster
Sofin · 04/09/2019 12:14

Thanks for the messages, everyone! I will say something next time. Think I was just taken aback by the huge difference between DH’s portion and mine. Like I said, theres never been that big a difference before. And that portion size along with MIL’s rude comments about my bump (like “it looks like you’ve had too much cake” and “have you weighed yourself? It’s enormous!”) I just felt really insecure about my weight and have done since. Really helps to read most of the comments on here Smile

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 04/09/2019 12:23

And that portion size along with MIL’s rude comments about my bump (like “it looks like you’ve had too much cake” and “have you weighed yourself? It’s enormous!”)

Maybe you need to remind her you're pregnant not over weight!

KarmaStar · 04/09/2019 12:33

Going off point,if a man had typed that all his dw had done all day was to take d's to the park for a bit it would not have gone down well!!.looking after a child is not sitting around doing nothing op.
Yes your mum is behind the times but don't belittle your dh because you are angry and hungry.

Original poster
Sofin · 04/09/2019 12:38

@KarmaStar oh, don’t I know it! Going to the park can be really hard work, but Sunday was a lazy day for them. Then went to the park on their way to MIL’s in early afternoon and we’re there until I came. Had they had a long day in the park or somewhere else, you’re right, he’d probably be more worn out than me. Sundays are generally quite lazy in our family. Saturday was quite hectic for DD.

@AryaStarkWolf haha, yeah you’d think she doesn’t know half the time! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofin · 04/09/2019 12:40

@KarmaStar they were at MIL’s all afternoon until I came, was what I meant to write. Struggle to write on my phone Blush

OP posts:
notacooldad · 04/09/2019 12:40

I might be a petty ass but id take a sandwich or some pasta with me from the shop 🤣 then took into that after and when she ask's what your doing say " I don't get full of children's portions!
Would you really do that? That's just passive aggressive.
My mum has done the smaller portion servings in the past but it was a ' thing's that was done. All that was needed was to nicely mention it without being passive aggressive about it and the issue was resolved.
A lot of resentment would be resolved if people talked to each other about what's on their mind.