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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL gives bigger plates of food to men

459 replies

Sofin · 02/09/2019 08:13

We are often invited for dinner by MIL, about once a week. MIL has the idea that men need significantly more food than women, and DH's plate is always way bigger than mine. I've come to terms with this. But yesterday, she made pie and chips and DH literally had about three times as many chips as me and twice as much pie! I got about 7-8 chips and he had a tower of them. I felt like I was given a kids portion. I'm 21 weeks pregnant and had been working all day yesterday and was starving! DH had not been working, just been to the park for a little bit with DD. There are no extra helpings at MIL's either as she literally dishes out all the food to everyone. I was still hungry after, and honestly felt insulted and embarrassed :( AIBU?

OP posts:
CarolineKate · 02/09/2019 08:50

My MIL does the same! My hubby has unfortunately grown up used to this and thinks he needs to eat loads more. And always thinks he needs extra meat! But they only need 500 cals more. That's about 2-3 slices of bread!! I always tell my hubby to make himself a sandwich if he gets hungry after dinner 🤣. Can't afford the portions he has grown up with lol. MIL always looks shocked when I serve his food and says is that all you're giving him?! But if you saw his plate you would probably think its too much and he always ends up full anyway!

OP if I was in your shoes I would have openly said in front of MIL husband name can I have some of your extra large portion because my extra small portion won't full me up.

Hecateh · 02/09/2019 08:52

I think you should plan for it beforehand and swap plates rather than just moving some food from his plate to yours.

It clearly needs planning for as it would also be wrong for your husband to go hungry - but wouldn't hurt for an hour or two, particularly if he had had a sandwich earlier.

It may need to happen more than once but I doubt it would carry on for long.

EmmiJay · 02/09/2019 08:52

I'd have zero problem Uber Eats-ing a massive curry to her house and eating it in front of everyone after that display of food stingy-ness.

Rachelover40 · 02/09/2019 08:54

Bubsworth
Yanbu I'd have eaten mine then joined DH's with his
..........
Too right! I can remember in my youth people thinking that men - and growing boys - needed more food.

I'm surprised your husband didn't put some of his on your plate, he must know the food isn't well distributed.

Then perhaps he can talk to his mum.............

Good luck.

TheGlitterFairy · 02/09/2019 08:55

Mine does this too - plus ladies have a smaller knife and fork (think starter size cutlery) than men who have the regular size - as you’d expect all to have.

BigFatLiar · 02/09/2019 08:55

We tend to overeat anyway. Realistically your smaller portion may have been the proper portion size for a healthy person, doesn't stop it being wrong to leave you hungry. He should have been happy to share and you shouldn't have been reluctant to tell him. Your portion may have been too small but his would have been too much and she was doing him no favours by 'feeding him up'.

madcatladyforever · 02/09/2019 08:57

Absurd, my DIL would certainly have something to say if I did this to her. She'd have poked my son in the ribs also if he's sat there and said nothing.
I might do it one day for a laugh just to see what she does Grin
Seriously though if your DH just sat there like a pudding and didn't say anything I'd have it out with him. Thank god I don't have any inlaws.

NoSauce · 02/09/2019 08:58

This comes up often on here. Always baffles me. If you know someone gives the menz a bigger plate of food then you ask politely for more before it’s dished up. There’s no need for women to sit silent and hungry.

You know your MIL, you get on with her or you wouldn’t be eating with her regularly, I doubt she’s doing it to be mean or controlling. Just speak up!

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2019 08:58

Say something like “Hey- hand over sone of those chips, dp- i’m eating for two!”

LemonTT · 02/09/2019 09:00

I would be thankful not to be given an unhealthy portion.
It would be tempting to express gratitude that she isn’t poisoning you with unhealthy food

Tonnerre · 02/09/2019 09:02

Doesn't your husband notice?

C8H10N4O2 · 02/09/2019 09:03

In fairness, men do need more calories particularly if they’ve been active and your more sedentary because you’re pregnant. Men need a fifth more calories, on average

Back in the 40s when many more men than women were doing physical labour that might have been noticeable but a man in an office job and a pregnant woman do not differ by triple portions.

Mainly though its appalling manners to treat guests like this (even family guests).

Let them serve themselves or start with similar amounts and the hungry can help themselves to more from the serving dishes.

Say something like “Hey- hand over sone of those chips, dp- i’m eating for two!”

I can remember saying something very similar in a comparable situation Grin

RatherBeRiding · 02/09/2019 09:03

So what happens if you ask for more? If I wasn't given a reasonable portion I would simply do an Oliver Twist and ask for more food and would have absolutely no problem stating that my portion wasn't enough.

I'd also be having words with my DH as it's his DM that has the problem!

NoSauce · 02/09/2019 09:03

It would be tempting to express gratitude that she isn’t poisoning you with unhealthy food

Has the OP said it’s unhealthy food? Doesn’t seem to worry the OP anyway, she wanted more of whatever it was!

leckford · 02/09/2019 09:04

Don’t go around so often?

HavelockVetinari · 02/09/2019 09:05

We tend to overeat anyway. Realistically your smaller portion may have been the proper portion size for a healthy person

Hmm

Were you actually there, @BigFatLiar? If not then that's a ridiculous statement to make! If OP was still starving afterwards it clearly wasn't an appropriate portion. Unless you mean that OP is such a greedy pig that normal portions no longer satisfy her, I which case you're incredibly rude and clearly projecting.

MaximusHeadroom · 02/09/2019 09:10

I would totally be taking some from DH's plate

Original poster
Sofin · 02/09/2019 09:11

Thanks so much, so glad to hear it's not just me. I told DH on our way home, and it was the first time I've told him as the difference in portion size has never been as big as it was yesterday. Normally, she'll make a roast, and DH will get one more roast potato and one more slice of meat than me - this I'm totally fine with! But yesterday, like I said, I was given a kids size portion and it felt really upsetting and embarrassing to watch DH with his tower of food :(

DH said he's been raised that way and doesn't notice. He's mum has always given him and his brothers more food than SIL, so he doesn't notice. But he said he'll look at my plate from now on, and give me food if need be.

SIL also got more food than me yesterday, which probably added to the low feelings for me. Was thinking, does she think I'm fat? I had a healthy BMI when I got pregnant, but obviously have a bump now and look bigger. I did read though, that women who are 20 weeks pregnant are supposed to eat 2,350 cal a day, whereas a man is supposed to eat 2,500 - so really not a big difference at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofin · 02/09/2019 09:14

My mum always let guests serve themselves. Occasionally, at Christmas, she'll offer to serve guests, but then always asks how much they want and always leave food for those who want more. So I'm not used to this at all

OP posts:
MerryChristmasHarry · 02/09/2019 09:14

Whenever this subject comes up, there are always people who feel the need to point out that men on average need more calories a day. Even where the disparity is clearly much more than 500 calories and when the woman has higher than average calorie needs due to pregnancy, bf etc, this is still pointed out. But women need more iron, and I don't think we have ever yet heard about a situation where the woman on the receiving end of the smaller portion has received more of the iron rich food than the men at the table.

It's almost lke people aren't engaging in this sort of behaviour with an eye on RDA, isn't it..

Daylily34 · 02/09/2019 09:15

Whilst on average men need more calories than women , that is only an average . I’m tall and active - I need more calories than my husband when I’ve exercised and roughly the same most of the time . He puts on weight - I don’t .

You need to say something or ask your husband to say something .

Most people would be mortified if their guest left hungry

BogglesGoggles · 02/09/2019 09:16

I would suggest eating before you get there (assuming that she always cooks so badly). You’re better off eating some proper food first and then eating the small serving of crap she gives you to be polite.

xMSx · 02/09/2019 09:18

Me and my partner are given the same Sunday roast apart from he gets more Yorkshire puddings and roast potatoes Angry
I would be more understanding if everything was given in bigger portions but not just the best bits of the meal!

deydododatdodontdeydo · 02/09/2019 09:18

"Oooooh 7 or 8 whole chips? There's no way I could have eaten that much!

Must be only me, I thought 7 or 8 chips was a normal amount! Confused

makingmammaries · 02/09/2019 09:19

Swapping plates is a great idea. She won’t like leaving your DH short and she’ll have to stop her tricks.

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