Pregnant with first child and really regret it

[onionandsage]

I'm 36 and my DH is 10 years older. DH is great with kids and has always said he'd like to start a family one day, although he's certainly never pestered me about it (other than the occasional, "do you fancy ttc soon?") and hasn't seemed in any rush. We've both just been focused on our careers and have been happy enjoying a lovely lifestyle.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company.

However, we've been married for two years now and in that time, I feel like I've started to come round to the idea of starting a family. Most of our friends now have babies and toddlers and the thought of having a family unit of our own began to appeal more and more.

DH and I agreed to start casually ttc earlier this year just to see what happened. I downloaded an app to track my ovulation and got quite into it - I felt slightly disappointed every month when my period arrived.

However, yesterday I discovered I was pregnant - and since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child.

I spent last night in floods of tears just panicking about it - how much our lovely life is going to change, how our lovely flat will be ruined, how we won't be able to do fun things as a couple anymore, like go to late-night cocktail bars and have long, lazy lie-ins at weekends.

I've read posts on Mumsnet where people kick their DH out of bed to let their child snuggle up to them instead - and honestly the thought of that makes me shudder and fills me with dread (I know - what kind of a monster am I?!)

More generally speaking I'm also just terrified about raising a little human being and being responsible for them becoming a good, kind and well-balanced individual. What if my child turns out to be an unlikable or bad person?

I also can't even begin to comprehend a child calling me "mum" - it feels completely alien.

I've only known that I'm pregnant less than two days and already I'm resenting the change in my lifestyle - not being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine for example.

I've thought about a termination but I know it would break DH's heart - although I know he'd support me if I really did 100% want to go through with it.

DH says he's ready for a change of lifestyle - he wants to be less selfish, and focus on someone else rather than just us. I just wonder if men truly realise all the work that a screaming baby entails - they don't have forums like Mumsnet to enlighten them!

I feel like I've had a life sentence handed to me and we're going to have our lives dictated to by this small child for the next 18 years.

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I've just read my post back and feel like such an evil person. I'm just so, so confused.

You don’t have to have a child if you don’t want one, and you have a few weeks/months to decide if you want to continue with the pregnancy. Perhaps some counselling would help?

You do have a choice.
That said the "fuckwhat have i done?" feeling is normal. I had similar feelings with much much wanted ds. As is finding it her peoples children boring, disgusting and unpleasant :o

Just to point out there are many other children I am very fond of. But on the whole I am not a 'child' person and I don't think I'm naturally maternal.

Gofor councilling and decide if you want to continue

Why won’t you be able to go to a restaurant and have a glass of wine after putting the world to rights?? Sure having s baby changes things but your life isn’t over ! It’s scary, with both of mind I was like wtf have I done. I’m not maternal but love my own children to pieces.

I’m sure you’ll be fine

I went back to work after both mine and that helps me still be me

Mmm. I was like this and had terrible intrusive thoughts on how to get out of it. In all honesty, I wish I'd confided in a doctor and sought counselling. Ultimately I had it for post natal depression and it turned my life around.

I have always been maternal but didn't have my first child until I was 32. I was terrified, couldn't get my head round them calling me mummy or this tiny human being so reliant on me. I went through the whole... what have we done and told dh he would be better off without me cause I will be a rubbish mum etc.

When she arrived it was amazing. I have had ups and downs but she is now 2 and we have settled in.

Your life doesn't need to stop though, if you have a good support network you can still have your evenings out etc..they may not be as frequent or need to be planned but its possible.

We are off on a weekend away soon and my mum is having dd for the time we are away.

They can fit in to how you want to raise them. Yes naps and routine are helpful but it's what you make of it.

Dont forget you will always hear the horror stories cause that's the hard bit and the bit we struggle to deal with but it's not always bad, these little humans can be very funny and caring (my dd likes to give me a cuddle when I am upset)

Remember your hormones have a part to play in this- the early months of pregnancy were a complete roller coaster.
The first time I got pregnant I felt a similar set of emotions- utter terror, horror at what I had done.
Then I had a miscarriage, and was devastated.
Don’t give yourself a hard time, perhaps talking to someone impartial would help, but pregnancy hormones do make some people (including me) quite crazy.

If you have only just found out that you are pregnant then you won't ve far along at all - between 4 and 6 weeks. You have a few weeks to decide whether you want to continue with it or not. If you really don't then you don't have to buy near in mind it may be a deal breaker for your husband - that's not to say you should continue with the pregnancy if you don't want to but just something to consider.

What about seeing your GP as a starting point? They may be able to refer you to other services such as counselling.

I find most kids annoying, definitely cute from a distance.

But I absolutely adore my son.

You don't have to be maternal to have kids but ultimately, this is your decision and you should do what you think is best.

What would be worse than not having a child is having a child you don't want or love.

It's a scary thing. You're allowed to feel overwhelmed. Be kind to yourself, and if you can, take a couple of weeks to see what happens to your feelings.

It is scary but your life continues, just a bit differently. You can do everything you used to do, just requires more planning!

You're not an evil person, you're just in shock and trying to process a lot of emotions all at once! I think you need to give yourself a little time to allow your feelings to settle over the next week or so and see how you feel then.

Give yourself time to adjust to this being real before you panic about what your feelings right this second mean for the next thirty years.

(And you're not obliged to do things that other people do, like kicking your husband out of bed! The police won't be round to enforce it.)

The “wtf have I done?” Thing is entirely normal. Well it happened to me anyway and I would be lying if the thought of termination didn’t cross my mind either. Like you I’m not maternal and don’t really like kids much but I wanted my own.

You don’t have to do any thing you don’t want to but don’t rush into anything either.

I crapped my pants and wondered what I had got myself into when I got my BFP!

I do kick DP out of bed for DD but that is only when she’s ill. 3 of us can’t sleep well in the bed and I can sleep through most things so he’s gone. I don’t kick him out so I can cuddle my DD at night.

Parents are also your card to a getting a full night sleep. My DD goes to my mums a couple of times a month for a sleep over

9 months is nothing in terms of drinking and just evaluate if you want to bottle feed or breast feed the baby once it’s here

I would say give it a bit of time . Boules and Stealth have both given good advice.
Counselling could be a good option.
Be nice to yourself.

Well you're right that everything will change and you will miss out on a lot for a while. But as to whether it will be worth it? Nobody can tell you that. It's almost certain that you will attach to this baby as the pregnancy progresses and feel differently than about other people's kids but there is a small chance you won't. You are clearly capable of forming strong attachments as you have a strong relationship- what are the relationships with your parents like? Silly question maybe but do you have pets?

Your life will change, for sure, but it will hardly be over. Just different. None of the mothers I know have given up restaurants and drinking bottles of wine while having a good old moan! (Not while actually pregnant, obvs!)

It will only be a life sentence if you let it. Think how many people you know who are parents and are out running marathons, running companies, having exotic holidays - parenthood only dictates your lifestyle as far as you allow it to.

I wanted a baby, had been with dh for 10 years and I still freaked the fuck out when i saw that positive test. I adapted. Life with kids will change, no doubt about that. But give yourself a little bit of time for it to sink in and ask yourself what's important to you (Not trying to sound condescending - having your own space and freedom isn't unimportant!)

You are not evil or a monster for having doubts or indeed not wanting children at all.

Your fears are all valid - I have a very much wanted child and I still miss my child-free life!

What I can't quite understand from your post is how you managed to go from not wanting children to actively TTC. Did you have a fully thought through change of heart or did you just sort of succumb to the pressure of societal expectations and the knowledge that your DH wanted a child?

It's normal to freak out a bit (or a lot) when you finally get the positive test. I'm just wondering whether this is something you decided that you definitely wanted, and now you're freaking out a bit, or whether you never truly wanted it and now reality has hit you've realised it's a mistake.

I think the best way to work it out for yourself is to get some counselling with an impartial professional. Maybe ask your GP or BPAS / Marie Stopes. Do it soon while you still have plenty of time to get a termination if that's what you eventually decide.

I barely tolerate other people's children, yet I am pregnant with my second. They are slightly less annoying when they're your own.

You don't have to do things the way other people do. Nothing wrong with getting a babysitter and going to a late night cocktail bar, or not allowing your child in bed so you can have a snuggle with your husband. You do what works for you.

I honestly don't think how you're feeling is that unusual. Trying to conceive is one thing, actually being pregnant is different. Give yourself some time, let it sink in a little bit and review how you feel in a little while.

You have a choice about this, and as it's very early days you've got (a bit) of time to think about it. You also might well feel very different when the baby arrives.
I'm not maternal, never been that keen on other people's kids etc, but I adore my own children and am enjoying being a mum a huge amount more than I thought I would. I actually think being a non-maternal mother can be a bit of an advantage because I haven't got years of dreams of being the perfect mother with the perfect children for the reality of it all to live up to. I didn't expect to get a huge rush of love for my babies so I wasn't disappointed when that didn't happen and I'm putting no pressure on myself to behave or feel like I spent my 20s day dreaming about for example.
There are huge lifestyle changes obviously but you are more in control of that then you might imagine, especially if your partner takes his responsibilities seriously. And a lot of those lifestyle changes happen to everyone, kids or not, just because you're getting older and interest change, jobs change, responsibilities change etc.
Take some deep breaths and really think about what you want, you've got choices

The other thing to maybe consider is that one child is a valid choice. For those of us who aren't maternal it can seem like there are expectations that lead to a very long time being pregnant and dealing with prams and nappies. If it helped you to think that as each stage ends it will get easier and you don't have to do it again woud that actually help?
I hope thay made some sort of sense. I have two dc but actually only wanted 1.5, but they don't come in halves. While other people mourned the last nppy, the last day at nursery etc I tended to feel utter relief. I can now look back with nostalgia but no yearning to do it all again.

I felt like that when I took a positive test. It's like suddenly, everything is out of control. I also resented that I couldn't drink, eat what I wanted, my body changed. But I also felt fiercely protective of the little cluster of cells growing inside me. The out of control thing lasts forever I think. My DC is 12 and I've accepted now what I can and can't control. The worry never stops. But the love is immense. I'm so proud of myself and my DC. I wasn't maternal, still aren't. When people ask me if I ever fancied another baby (as they do) I announce 'one is too many!' Give yourself some time to get used to it. Realise that your feelings are normal. Talk to your DP. Congratulations and good luck OP x

If it helps at all, I’m really not very fond of other people’s children either! But from the second she arrived I was utterly in love with my daughter, so it doesn’t mean you won’t love your own baby!

Like PP have said, I also had an ‘uh oh’ moment when the test was positive, I think that’s quite normal! I think for me it was just a case of coming to terms with the fact that it was a reality now (we also conceived very quickly so was expecting it to take longer!) and we would really have a tiny thing we’d be completely responsible for. It’s all one big unknown with your first pregnancy and baby, and that can be scary!

If you do think there’s a high chance you won’t want to continue with the pregnancy, all you can really do is talk to your DH and explain how you’re feeling. Having a completely frank and extensive chat may help make you feel better, or will solidify the feeling that you don’t want this. Either way, it can only help.