Pregnant with first child and really regret it

[onionandsage]

I'm 36 and my DH is 10 years older. DH is great with kids and has always said he'd like to start a family one day, although he's certainly never pestered me about it (other than the occasional, "do you fancy ttc soon?") and hasn't seemed in any rush. We've both just been focused on our careers and have been happy enjoying a lovely lifestyle.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company.

However, we've been married for two years now and in that time, I feel like I've started to come round to the idea of starting a family. Most of our friends now have babies and toddlers and the thought of having a family unit of our own began to appeal more and more.

DH and I agreed to start casually ttc earlier this year just to see what happened. I downloaded an app to track my ovulation and got quite into it - I felt slightly disappointed every month when my period arrived.

However, yesterday I discovered I was pregnant - and since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child.

I spent last night in floods of tears just panicking about it - how much our lovely life is going to change, how our lovely flat will be ruined, how we won't be able to do fun things as a couple anymore, like go to late-night cocktail bars and have long, lazy lie-ins at weekends.

I've read posts on Mumsnet where people kick their DH out of bed to let their child snuggle up to them instead - and honestly the thought of that makes me shudder and fills me with dread (I know - what kind of a monster am I?!)

More generally speaking I'm also just terrified about raising a little human being and being responsible for them becoming a good, kind and well-balanced individual. What if my child turns out to be an unlikable or bad person?

I also can't even begin to comprehend a child calling me "mum" - it feels completely alien.

I've only known that I'm pregnant less than two days and already I'm resenting the change in my lifestyle - not being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine for example.

I've thought about a termination but I know it would break DH's heart - although I know he'd support me if I really did 100% want to go through with it.

DH says he's ready for a change of lifestyle - he wants to be less selfish, and focus on someone else rather than just us. I just wonder if men truly realise all the work that a screaming baby entails - they don't have forums like Mumsnet to enlighten them!

I feel like I've had a life sentence handed to me and we're going to have our lives dictated to by this small child for the next 18 years.

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I've just read my post back and feel like such an evil person. I'm just so, so confused.

Surprised and disappointed that you're getting so little support here op.

It sounds to me like you really don't want children. That's ok. Having a termination is ok. It doesn't matter whether or not the pregnancy was planned.

I've had two children, one termination and one miscarriage. For the record. I don't regret the termination for a moment.

I'm out this evening so can't post anything longer, but I wanted to redress the balance of this thread. Too many people telling you to go ahead who don't have to live your life.

I felt very much like you, OP, when I became pregnant a few months ago. Never actively wanted kids but have always had an underlying feeling that because most people have them, it can’t be that bad. Then I found myself sitting in the toilet cubicle at work at 7pm when everyone else has gone home, staring at a positive test, & started to shake & cry. I was terrified & did a lot of thinking over the next few weeks. Whilst I remained very scared, shocked & overwhelmed, I had a bit of bleeding at about 7 weeks & ultimately my reaction to a potential miscarriage is what sharpened it all in my mind. I’m now nearly 20 weeks & I still get freaked out if I over-think it, but I’m just taking each day as it comes. I’ve been extremely honest with the midwives & other HCPs about how unplanned this was & how difficult I am finding it so that I can get support if I need it.

Having a termination is OK and you have plenty of time to decide.

It will really help to talk to an impartial person, I think. In reality not just on mumsnet. Give yourself a few days to get over the initial shock, though. And if you want a nice bath, then have one. Just don’t get too hot & take a bottle of cold water with you to sip on Most women have done all sorts of things that aren’t recommended in early pregnancy, most of the time it can’t be helped!

just give it some days to process it. I freaked out too even though it was very much wanted.

but if you really don't want the pregnancy, then you don't have to go ahead. It's still fresh, give it a little bit of time.

I am a secondary school teacher and I think teenagers are brilliant but really can't be bothered with kids under 12. I really struggle with year 7's and below, finding them super dull. I even find my neices and nephews dull but obviously I am kind to them!! But I loved my own kids very much from day one and found them really interesting. I am not saying this is the case with everyone but I know LOTS of mums who find kids so dull it's untrue but loved their own kids hugely. Remember...you will shape your own kids...for example I can't bear cutesy kids so did not encourage them to say cutesy stuff...we teased each other and had a laugh a lot in our family and my kids do not take themselves seriously etc. The mess is kind of epic though, not gonna lie......

"I’m still not 100% - more like 20-30% at best."

You don't need to be 100% but I think you do need to be at least 90%. Please don't tell your partner's parents about the pregnancy. You still need to keep this between the two of you until you decide what to do.

Also, the bias on this thread is really pissing me off now. Please start a new thread in the pregnancy choices section. You'll get more balance there and less of the heartstrings.

Sorry to sound negative but I don't think all the posts from mums saying they dreaded having a baby but now love it are that helpful.

You will love your child. Everyone does. But lots of women absolutely hate motherhood whilst still loving their children. It's not a given that you'll take to it.

Mine are 8 & 11. I still haven't really got my life back. I have barely any social life and can't work.

Sorry I didn’t mean my post to come across like you SHOULD keep the baby, just giving you my experience of someone who never really liked children but it’s turned out OK. Obviously if it’s not the right thing for you then don’t continue with the pregnancy.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

Wishing you the best of luck and I hope that you reach a decision that's right for you. Certainly no judgement from me either way! I'd say that a good half dozen of the friends and family closest to me were "regretted" children, which has caused a lot of pain over the years, so it's by no means a certainty that everything will be fine when your baby is put into your arms. But, equally, if this is for you, then I wish you every joy!

OP, it's ok to think you were ready, and then discover you're not. You don't have to have this baby.

I'm really not maternal, but having DS1 has been nowhere near as restrictive as people make out. He went to nursery at 3 months, I've had a lessened, but still existent social life.

I had a termination a couple of years ago, and also don't regret that one bit. That child would have been wrong for me to have in so many senses. It was the right decision, and I'm glad that's what happened.

Roll forward to now and I'm pregnant. With twins. FML
It's right for us now, and we're continuing with this pregnancy. If we both weren't sure, we wouldn't be. It's the rest of your life to live with having an unwanted child. In my opinion that's much worse and much harder than living with the decision to terminate.

Hope this gets easier for you

OP I'm also a little concerned by the bias in the responses (which is totally understandable, it is Mumsnet after all).

In your circumstances I would seriously consider not having the baby. It is such a big gamble to take - it's the rest of your life you're playing with! Yes it might work out and you might love it, but what if it doesn't?

Of course only you can know what to do but you'd get absolutely no judgment for choosing to terminate if that's what you think would be best. Good luck.

Thank you. I just don’t understand why I’m so incapable of making a decision one way or the other.

I’m naturally a very indecisive person and can’t stand change - it makes me really anxious. When DH and I moved into our new place I thought I hated it, I was so upset and cried for weeks - now I absolutely love it and am so glad we moved.

Any chance you feel like answering this?

What I can't quite understand from your post is how you managed to go from not wanting children to actively TTC. Did you have a fully thought through change of heart or did you just sort of succumb to the pressure of societal expectations and the knowledge that your DH wanted a child?

I think a lot of women have the “oh shit” moment at some point in pregnancy. I certainly did. I was never maternal at all. I have two daughters and love them dearly. What I’ve learnt over the years is that children are like farts,you can tolerate your own but other peoples are just vile. I have no doubt if you go through with pregnancy you will adore your baby but it is bloody hard and everything does change. Do what’s best and feels right for you. No matter what you are not a bad person. I really hope you’re ok

I’m still not 100% - more like 20-30% at best

Well from 1% last night so 24 hours on by my reckoning you'll be 100% plus by Friday:!

"I’m naturally a very indecisive person and can’t stand change - it makes me really anxious. When DH and I moved into our new place I thought I hated it, I was so upset and cried for weeks - now I absolutely love it and am so glad we moved."

Says a lot don't you think:).

I have a child and still have a life and career, it is possible x

I never wanted kids. I loved my life i only had to look after me. I was only 24 when i fell pregnant with dc1. I spent a full week in tears. All i kept thinking was what have i done how was i so stupid that my life was over. Its normal to feel that way x

Definitely do not tell his parents if termination is still a possibility.

This is such a personal situation. You are not a monster. You are a person who is taking parenthood seriously. The world would be a better place if more people really considered whether or not they should become parents. I wish you peace in however you proceed.

Look, honestly, babies and toddlers are shit. They’re savage, unrelenting, pains in the ass, and yes, your life will change for awhile. But it’s NOT a life sentence. OK, given I’m not really enjoying my teenager at the moment either, but at least I can bugger off on holiday or wherever and know that my older kids are not completely dependent on me.

TBH, I think it’s a bit shit that a termination is everyone’s answer. I am pro choice, and I will defend your right to make that decision with my dying breath. But you actively TTC this baby, and then change your mind once it’s conceived? It’s a bit yuck to me.

I didnt like other people's kids ! I didn't think I would ever have any either as I was happy as I was then when I met my DH I finally realised I did want a family and we had a baby I was 36 I was totally not maternal at all but I love my kid so much it's hard to describe
I've never kicked my husband out of bed but I do often wake up in the little ones bed I always start off in my own tho
I think what your feeling is normal i mean it's a big deal
Everything will change but give yourself some time to adjust before u make any decisions
It's entirely up to you but also please take ur husband's feelings into consideration so many people don't and that in itself will impact the relationship
Alot of people panic when they first find out they are pregnant I know I did I was worried I wasn't going to be good enough etc I was even worried about my after birth body etc
No one can tell u what u should do or how u should feel but I'm so glad I had my kid my husband and I still have a great relationship I'm even a stay at home mum when my original plan was to go back to work after 3 months and put DC into nursery lol couldn't do it there just so special well your own ones are lol

The night I found out I was pregnant with my (planned) first, I cried myself to sleep.
I had many of the same worries as you, and although I'd have never got an abortion, I was half hoping I'd miscarry (as awful as that sounds). I wasn't maternal and only etc really because my husband wanted kids.

I've now got two children and would dearly love a third, heck even perhaps a fourth.

I'm not a remotely maternal person, and I only became broody after my first arrived. But she felt like she was family at birth, and it was just so different from a random child. And toddlers are amazing little people (yes they are frustrating sometimes) and when they wrap their arms around you, and tell you that they love you, it's like your heart can explode.

And as people have said, you parent your way. And remember you often only hear the negative. I'd been dreading the early mornings as so many friends have early risers. But I have to put an alarm clock on for my toddler to get her up at a reasonable time. Ok, a lie in now is until 9ish not 11ish, but it's still not bad, and you take turns for the extra bit. And looking after her isn't always a chore either, i actually really enjoy spending time with her.

Kids haven't been the life sentence I thought they we're, they've actually enhanced my life. Immeasurably.

Whatever you do don’t rush into anything. I suspect you’d regret an abortion in this situation as you’ve been disappointed with not conceiving in past months, it’s just shock. Try think back to why you made the decision to try in the first place.

I was 26 when we conceived, I’m now 36. Unplanned and I found it tough - mild additional needs meant a fussy baby plus persevering with difficult breastfeeding unnecessarily - the first year was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. We had little support so did it alone and did find your worries were true, we didn’t go out and it massively impacted on our relationship/quality time. We had a second who was easier and our eldest started nursery which helped a lot, even though I wasn’t working. We bought in support instead. Going back to work would’ve helped mentally but would also be more stressful in juggling everything. Now I’m working and can go out more so it doesn’t feel so restricted, although quality time with DH is still at home or with kids around - they play together so we have more time to connect.

Ultimately I don’t regret it, I may have stopped at one child as it’s easier to keep some of the lifestyle with one. I’m still not very maternal and look forward to them being older and having a more grown up relationship with them - sharing interests and talking about the world (not going to the park and hearing about Pokemon). The baby years are short in the grand scheme of things, if you have support or finances to buy it in it will be easier, as will maintaining a career to keep some of your identity. Also vital is how hands on your husband will be - mine isn’t perfect but I’ve adjusted my standards and he’s pretty great at taking over to the extent he’s the main carer due to my job.

What I can't quite understand from your post is how you managed to go from not wanting children to actively TTC. Did you have a fully thought through change of heart or did you just sort of succumb to the pressure of societal expectations and the knowledge that your DH wanted a child?

Seeing many of my friends starting families and spending lots of time with them made me gradually start to think how lovely it would be to have our own - some of them admit to finding it difficult and stressful but overall they seem happy and enjoy their kids.

One friend in particular who was always adamant she didn’t want kids got to 40, had a complete change of heart and then couldn’t conceive, so had to go through several rounds of IVF with her DH and now has a son. With me being the age I am (36) that did made me think.

I feel another big factor was getting to that point in life where I felt like what I have wasn’t “enough”. Yes we have a great time going out to restaurants and bars, but as much as I enjoy it, I thought another 35 years of the same and the enjoyment might wear thin. I think my DH, being 10 years older than me, felt that even more so.

Probably crap reasons but there you go.

We won’t be telling DH’s parents, although they’re sure to think something’s up - we normally share a few bottles of wine most nights when they’re here, so they’ll think it’s very unusual that I’m suddenly not drinking.

They're not crap reasons. Makes sense.
I wish you luck with your decision.

I am childfree myself, but feel like the fact you actively came off birth control, were ttc etc might mean you do want to ultimately go through with it & have a family. But because you fell pregnant sooner than expected it’s understandably a massive shock for you ! So perhaps you’re simply processing this shock & absorbing your new reality here...am pro choice & have had a termination myself so have no personal agenda regarding this.