Pregnant with first child and really regret it

[onionandsage]

I'm 36 and my DH is 10 years older. DH is great with kids and has always said he'd like to start a family one day, although he's certainly never pestered me about it (other than the occasional, "do you fancy ttc soon?") and hasn't seemed in any rush. We've both just been focused on our careers and have been happy enjoying a lovely lifestyle.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company.

However, we've been married for two years now and in that time, I feel like I've started to come round to the idea of starting a family. Most of our friends now have babies and toddlers and the thought of having a family unit of our own began to appeal more and more.

DH and I agreed to start casually ttc earlier this year just to see what happened. I downloaded an app to track my ovulation and got quite into it - I felt slightly disappointed every month when my period arrived.

However, yesterday I discovered I was pregnant - and since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child.

I spent last night in floods of tears just panicking about it - how much our lovely life is going to change, how our lovely flat will be ruined, how we won't be able to do fun things as a couple anymore, like go to late-night cocktail bars and have long, lazy lie-ins at weekends.

I've read posts on Mumsnet where people kick their DH out of bed to let their child snuggle up to them instead - and honestly the thought of that makes me shudder and fills me with dread (I know - what kind of a monster am I?!)

More generally speaking I'm also just terrified about raising a little human being and being responsible for them becoming a good, kind and well-balanced individual. What if my child turns out to be an unlikable or bad person?

I also can't even begin to comprehend a child calling me "mum" - it feels completely alien.

I've only known that I'm pregnant less than two days and already I'm resenting the change in my lifestyle - not being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine for example.

I've thought about a termination but I know it would break DH's heart - although I know he'd support me if I really did 100% want to go through with it.

DH says he's ready for a change of lifestyle - he wants to be less selfish, and focus on someone else rather than just us. I just wonder if men truly realise all the work that a screaming baby entails - they don't have forums like Mumsnet to enlighten them!

I feel like I've had a life sentence handed to me and we're going to have our lives dictated to by this small child for the next 18 years.

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I've just read my post back and feel like such an evil person. I'm just so, so confused.

@AmIRightOrAMeringue thank you so much for taking the time to write that - your post really resonated with me

OP, reading your post felt like I’d been punched. I think I struggled to breathe for a few seconds.

I’m 33, been married a year, I’ve never liked children, in fact I’d probably go as far to say as I actively dislike them at some points. Sorry but I just do. Other people’s are loud, noisy and basically annoying AF. Again, sorry but they quite often are.

DH has now decided he really wants children and I fee sick every day because I just don’t kmow what to do. Like you, we have a lovely, carefree life. We enjoy alcohol and socialising, lovely meals out at nice country pubs and city restaurants. I have my hobby (horses) which id probably have to give up for a while and yet it’s all I’ve ever known.

Just the thought of having a child fills me with dread tbh. I mean, I worry about what I’d even do for the 9 months that I’m pregnant as really my socialising mainly revolves around nights out and alcohol.

But then, the majority of our friends now have children so our social life isn’t as busy over the last year anyway. There have been moments lately where I’ve quite liked the idea of having a child of our own and having a little family unit of our own. But these are fleeting, Luke warm thoughts and unfortunately they’re not enough to eradicate the horror and panic I feel about having a child.

So I’m afraid I have no advice for you, except I really do feel for you as I could’ve written your post. I hope you feel better about things soon and make the decision that’s right for you. If you ever want to talk, PM me. X

My helpful observations after having two;
When they’re little babies they’re portable and you can take them where you like and they just sleep! I had lots of nice lunches on maternity leave.

They’re not actually solely reliant on you for that long. Even at 2 they begin doing their own thing and playing their own games and entertaining themselves a little bit.

At 3 my daughter would happily accompany me to lunch or dinner and chat to me.

So by those maths you have a window between 6 months and 3 where you’re quite limited but it’s not a life sentence with a baby. They grow and become real people! Just imagine when your child can talk to you. Can you imagine a talking child in any of your usual situations just sharing your conversation?

That's a good point: looking after a 10 year old that's half you isn't a life sentence, it's lovely!

They're only small for a few years

I was exactly the same as you. Suprise pregnancy, massive social life, running my own businesses, older DP etc and had all the same thoughts about how dreadful it was going to be. I was too chicken to have an abortion and basically prayed for a miscarriage everyday which didn't happen and had a dreadful pregnancy and birth.

I broke pretty much all the rules in the pregnancy book too....

However, DS who is nearly two is awesome and I wouldn't change things at all. Baby years are boring and a slog, but I've still been out, been to festivals, danced till dawn, had parties etc. You just prioritise what is important to you and find a way somehow.

Nursery is a godsend. Working helps. Having good mates that will help out a bit to give you a break. You adjust but you don't loose yourself.

Whatever you choose, you've got this Mumsnet is a great support tool, so is counseling.

I was in a somewhat similar position to you when I found out I was pregnant with ds, except we had agreed to ttc before he was 30 (I was 22 he was 26).

I was on the pill and when I got that positive test it really did feel like I'd been handed a death sentence. I sobbed and sobbed and wanted very much to not be pregnant so I didn't have to make an impossible choice.

I mulled it over with dp, he was surprised but delighted and more than willing to step up (which he has done in every way he's an excellent father, far better than his own or mine) so I decided to keep him.

I very very nearly didn't.

I'm very very glad I did.

The very early years were incredibly hard but now he is nearly six I can confidently say my life is far better with him in it.

I still can't stand other people's kids and am the least maternal person I know unless it involves my own ds.

It is scary. So scary. And I don't like other people's kids even now really. But I love my own. And I don't want them sleeping in my bed that would drive me mad. Do it your way you'll be fine.

I’m going to go against the grain here. I have children who were dearly wanted and who I love more than myself. My life and lifestyle is unrecognizable from pre-children, some choices I made and some were out of my hands or just inevitable. Only in the past year or so have I returned to an amended version of what I was before. Actually, enhanced version of what I was. I’m so proud of my children, they’re fucking amazing and I can’t believe I have them.

BUT. My life before was fucking amazing too. I had the sort of life many women dream of: excellent career that made me lots of money, total freedom, no responsibilities other than the ones I chose, perfect health, friends, family - the works. It was awesome.

I only chose to have children because I felt something was missing, that my wonderful life was ultimately too hedonistic and futile, that I needed “meaning” and “purpose”, that I couldn’t sustain this until 80yo, that I would ultimately feel lonely and bored and that I’d missed an experience I was fortunate enough to have a shot at (pregnancy and motherhood). I could have chosen to help others in need of help (I looked into a permanent international move to a country that needed women with skills that I had to help their impoverished rural-dwelling women). Instead, I chose children of my own.

If you love your life as it is, and feel no void, don’t do it. Don’t have kids. They are stressful, expensive, can damage your health. That can of course be worth it, but if you don’t need the upsides - why bother with the downsides? There’s no obligation on you to procreate (although one has to question the wisdom of actively TTC if you knew you didn’t 100% want the child - it’s not like having a go at baking, if it doesn’t turn out right NBD ).

It’s better not to have a child you regret than to have no children at all. Of course you might not know how you feel until the baby arrives. But by then it’s too late. This is far too serious to take a punt at. Ideally parents die before their children, so at best this decision will affect the rest of your life. If you’re unsure - step away. Take a year or two to think about it, maybe try again.

I felt like this with my second, I loathe to admit this but I had some thoughts about terminating which I didn’t go through with. Thankfully it all turned out fine. And I went on to have other children.
Luckily you have the advantage of a bit of time here, have some counselling.
Obviously there are some limitations on you when your children are small, but they aren’t children for long, it’s not a life sentence, don’t underestimate the fun of having older offspring. I’ve spent a lovely day doing a bit of sightseeing and having a boozy hysterical lunch with a couple of mine, not just because they’re my kids but we all get on very well as people too.
Looking back, the younger years can be hard and you do miss out on things, but in the long run having a family of your very own is absolutely worth it.

Give it a week or two, see how you feel when you have time to get used to the idea. If you still feel that your lifestyle is more important to you, and tgat the changes could have a negative impact, best have an abortion. Honestly, I know two friends who waited till mid 30s to have children, when they were very happy without kids. Both claim not to regret their decision, but it is painfully clear from the constant whinging about how godaeful parenthood is. How bad their child is, how they miss their old life that they were not cut out to be parents. One of them even admitted she wouldnt have made the decision again with hindsight.

It's a perfectly valid choice not to have kids and it might be right for you. So once the shocknwears off, consider carefully if you are really prepared to give up a self-centric lifestyle (in a non negative way!) For a life where you have to put a child's needs ahead all the time. It really isn't for everyone and it isn't always as rewardigg as parents on social media probably paint it.

I felt exactly the same as you when I found out and really struggled with the identity change and feeling of being “taken over” and unable to drink etc. Fast forward and I’m term now and a lot happier, with anxious days here and there but overall excited.

I still don't like other people's children. My DS is awesome (to me). I had a similar oh what the fuck have I done feeling and still sometimes think about the life I gave up for a while, we travelled lots, ate out at nice restaurants, went on city breaks on a whim, I travelled for work. DS has a cold he's snuffly and a bit sweaty and out of sorts, I've banished DH to the spare room and DS is snuggled up with me, a year ago when I was pregnant I couldn't even dream that that would be something I'd happily do. You've got time, user it to work out of this is what you want or not, it's ok to be scared when you think about it in detail being responsible for someone else's whole life/existence is crazy, but try and look at the big picture. Oh and I'm one and done.

Getting stressed when u find out ur pregnant is completely normal. Many women who want kids get to that point and worry about what they have done .

Totally normal to get freaked out . Tends to pass and then ur happy once you get your head round it.

Unless , of course you really don’t want it .

I wanted all my pregnancies but always got a bit stresssd and worried when I found out I’d conceived.

Please don’t worry

I haven’t read the whole thread but I remember feeling the same when I found out I was pregnant, both times. With my 2nd I contemplated getting a termination even though the pregnancy was planned. They’re now 7 & 5 and it is hard work but I wouldn’t change anything. I dislike a lot of other children but not my own. I get irritated by other children shrieking and shouting and messing about in public.

You do have time to decide what you want to do, give it some time for the reality of being pregnant to sink in then if you’re feeling the same maybe book a counselling session to explore your feelings.

Forgot to add that for me I feel like I never knew love until I had my eldest, and I never felt truly loved until I had my youngest. They’re hard work yes, but they bring a different joy and meaning to my life.

Oh, I thought I needed to book a scan tomorrow but clearly have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve just read that even taking a hot bath is not a good idea - gutted as it really helps me sleep.

Odd but do you know my mum used to have hot baths when my 'lil sis was under construction, as did my first and 2nd wifes and even more odd my DD2 loves a good soak and I beleibve she didnt chage her ways when GS1 and GD1 were made;! (just know most of this as I'm the handyman, maintanance DIY man there)

Shes gone back to work part time. 1 to 2 days a week hubby babysits even Aunt does it some time but she loves her work and children.

Even manages to bundle them into the car and has been on a holliday and a few trips to see her mum and that mob!

Even more odd we have been out with the grandchildren for dinner more than the once and they have been impecably behaved.

Shes found these odd persons called baby sitters so she has had the odd evening out with her old man like they used to do;!

All rather odd - strage dontcha tink:)

I cried when the test came back positive, not because I was happy, but for the life I had before that test said "pregnant". It's perfectly normal to be terrified and confused.

I am the most unmaternal person ever. When I got pregnant I freaked out, and continued to freak out for months. It wasn’t until I saw the scan that I felt better. There was a chance of complications and I cried my eyes out because I realised I didn’t want to lose my baby.

I’m still not a mumsy mum. I’m not gentle enough. I’m always late with dinner and behind on laundry. People have said I carry my child like a parcel. I’m not disciplined enough - we have no fixed routine and I don’t really stick to bedtimes. I still struggle with not having freedom or being able to go out. But it’s a trade off - I get a lovely little companion who adores me. We don’t get to do as much stuff as a couple but we do new stuff as a threesome instead. My home has not been wrecked and the toys I can’t hide in cupboards have been selected to colour coordinate with my interior.

Apparently pregnancy restructures your brain anyway. I’ve gone from hating all kids to finding some of the nicer ones cute and tolerable. I won’t be having more than one child - I feel like I’ve done that milestone now and one is enough, I don’t see myself surrounded by kids. The demands on my time from one child are already too much, I don’t want to increase those demands by having another child. But I wouldn’t give up the one I have.

And finally and enough from this big optimistic softie..

When that day comes, he or shes here then ENJOY them!, you just will not believe how the i time goes and before you know it thay have gone off to uni and you will miss him/her/them.

But chances are they will be back as its too dammed expensive for them to live anywhere in the home counties nowadays.. so its not all bad news:)

Bless:)

I feel I need to add info to my post; Not everyone wants children. Some can't wait, then find they can''t. Others have them straight away, one right after the other. Others can't stand children, but adore their own to every extreme, x infinity +1.

Some are ambivalent. Neither this way nor that about them.

Others, like myself, had very good reasons to not want to parent a child. My mom was definitely not a happy person, but she did not physically hurt us. She was dangerous in others ways.

Bottom line, my own not wanting children was based on my experience of fearing to be like her. That scared me to no end.

To this day, children love me. They actually seek me out unwittingly. They find me wherever I am. They sense my knowledge, creativity and natural maternal instincts. A friend I have who only loves his own children can't believe how kids just skip right past him and right up to me. I am like an oracle for kids! Babies stop crying in my arms nearly immediately. When I start reading a book aloud, the room of them gets quiet, then silent, and all eyes and ears are on my voice.

Life.

Our paths in life veer this way and that with little or no warning. We learn things about ourselves and others that erase the past, improve the moment and remold our futures. Thank God.

All I am saying is this:

Don't attempt to predict your personal, beautifully unique motherly instincts for your unborn children or their future based on today; Tomorrow isn't here yet.

The more you enjoy the present, the more you will shine when you think of the future. Your children will reshape your smile, your heart, your clothes, your fridge and the garage. My own father says, "You gave me my laugh lines. Your sister gave me my gray hair." To this day. Still LOL. I am 54 and he is nearly 80.

Whatever creative love is shaped in your heart, your child(ren) will see like a flood light.

Something my mother did that I vowed to never do, and in 22 years have still not done, was to project what she did in other ways, the pain and fear onto my daughter's life, relationship with herself, her family, etc.

I taught her that she is perfect. She knows that in my eyes, she can do no wrong. Nope she is not spoiled. She is eloquent. She is serene. She loves to the nth extreme. That, was because of mommy. Me.

Your child is part of you. Meditate on the feelings of your body that are maternal. They are there. Your daily life may be so busy that it is hard to find it in there, but you can be sure; it is waiting for you to see it.

You have within your heart every color of love, creativity, knowledge and respect to pour all over your child(ren). My daughter has all of me. Period. And she knows it, because I have never shown her anything else. And no.... I did not allow her around my mother, when she was alive.

Live what you have learned. You are more than good enough, and children are a blessing.

Take your time, and just...feel.

You will see clearly, either way.

I just want you to know that so many of us here were in a similar boat like yours.

Let it happen.

You will be glad you did.

I never wanted kids until I met DP. Then I became baby mad and felt so upset every months when my period came.

I'm pregnant now, when I found out I was absolutely ecstatic.. never been happier.. after the first scan was good realistaion started to kick in and I got a little scared (I'm phobic of the thought if birth and the thought of having to give birth) Just over 20 weeks now so halfway through already..

Today we spent 11 hours doing up the nursery as I've been pestering DP about painting and decorating the spare room ready for it all.

We finally finished at 11:30pm. I said on the nursing chair, took one look around and thought "what the fuck am I doing. I'm not ready for this"

That lasted about half an hour of be rationalizing it all. Now I'm good again.

It happens, it's a massive step.

I was going to say, you don't sound ready to have a child, but then I saw you are 36, so it's really now or never.

I think some posters on here make it sound like it's easy to raise children, which it isn't. It's a lot of hard work and sacrifice. If you're not prepared to do that, then you should reconsider.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

I wouldn't call it a life sentence by that's my opinion. You can still do fun things and you'll be surprised at how much you love that little human more than you could've imagined. Your life won't be over because you've had a child 🙂. We still do fun things and tbh I prefer doing them with my
son in tow ☺️ x

I’m still feeling so up and down about things - I’m not feeling especially well tonight (weird headache and very bloated) which isn’t helping. Also DH’s parents are coming to stay tomorrow and we won’t see them again til Christmas as they live abroad. We’re wondering whether to tell them now so we can share the “good news” face to face, but DH said not to say anything unless I’m 100% sure I want to keep it. I’m still not 100% - more like 20-30% at best.

I definitely wouldn't tell them the news if you still might terminate. That would be grossly unfair.

I think it's a shame you feel so unsure. You did decide to try to conceive and say you felt disappointed when it didn't happen. Did you really never sit down and think about how you might feel if you did fall pregnant?