Pregnant with first child and really regret it

[onionandsage]

I'm 36 and my DH is 10 years older. DH is great with kids and has always said he'd like to start a family one day, although he's certainly never pestered me about it (other than the occasional, "do you fancy ttc soon?") and hasn't seemed in any rush. We've both just been focused on our careers and have been happy enjoying a lovely lifestyle.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company.

However, we've been married for two years now and in that time, I feel like I've started to come round to the idea of starting a family. Most of our friends now have babies and toddlers and the thought of having a family unit of our own began to appeal more and more.

DH and I agreed to start casually ttc earlier this year just to see what happened. I downloaded an app to track my ovulation and got quite into it - I felt slightly disappointed every month when my period arrived.

However, yesterday I discovered I was pregnant - and since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child.

I spent last night in floods of tears just panicking about it - how much our lovely life is going to change, how our lovely flat will be ruined, how we won't be able to do fun things as a couple anymore, like go to late-night cocktail bars and have long, lazy lie-ins at weekends.

I've read posts on Mumsnet where people kick their DH out of bed to let their child snuggle up to them instead - and honestly the thought of that makes me shudder and fills me with dread (I know - what kind of a monster am I?!)

More generally speaking I'm also just terrified about raising a little human being and being responsible for them becoming a good, kind and well-balanced individual. What if my child turns out to be an unlikable or bad person?

I also can't even begin to comprehend a child calling me "mum" - it feels completely alien.

I've only known that I'm pregnant less than two days and already I'm resenting the change in my lifestyle - not being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine for example.

I've thought about a termination but I know it would break DH's heart - although I know he'd support me if I really did 100% want to go through with it.

DH says he's ready for a change of lifestyle - he wants to be less selfish, and focus on someone else rather than just us. I just wonder if men truly realise all the work that a screaming baby entails - they don't have forums like Mumsnet to enlighten them!

I feel like I've had a life sentence handed to me and we're going to have our lives dictated to by this small child for the next 18 years.

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I've just read my post back and feel like such an evil person. I'm just so, so confused.

Get yourself a copy of Expecting Better by Emily Oster. It’s the best book I read in pregnancy at a similar age and with similar misgivings. I will say also that my baby absolutely makes up for missing out on a lot of (but not all!) the stuff I used to enjoy. Good luck OP!

I felt like you when I fell pregnant with dd. I completely freaked out. More than that, actually, I pretty much had a breakdown. I became very unwell and just wanted it all to go away. I had some awful thoughts and absolutely believed I had ruined my life. I was sure I was not fit to be a mother.

Then she was born and it just clicked into place. So much of it is just instinct. I guess I recognised this little baby as part of me, and knew I would do whatever it took to keep her safe and look after her. I hadn't bonded with the idea of a baby at all during the pregnancy, but it hit me like a ton of bricks when she was born. I immediately loved her and never looked back.

She is 5 now, and it had got to a point where life was easy. She slept fine, was beautifully behaved in restaurants etc, we had lovely holidays together, fab days out... then we introduced ds into the mix and it's all gone to shit lol. That's another story though!

I also never co-slept

DH goes away for a week every year to see family. I then have both Dcs in our bed as a 'treat'. We watch dvds etc and snuggle. I love waking in the middle of the night (usually with one foot in my neck and another in my stomach) and listening to them snoring breathing.

I don't like kids... At all. I freaked out when I got pregnant, I cried my eyes out 3 days after my DS was born and kept saying that we had ruined our lives. DS is now 19 months old and I love him more than life itself and wouldn't change it for the world. He can be a little shit and gets on my tits at times, but as soon as he says mummy and wraps those little arms around me, it's all forgotten. And I still don't like kids

All I will say is, your life does not have to revolve around this child. You do not have to turn into some hippy earth mother if you dont want. You can love your child and still do a lot of what you do now. Travelling with my girls is amazing. Our parents are happy to have our girls for weekends so we get to do a bit of uk travelling just us as a couple. Most importantly we are all happy. Any way I'm just rambling really but sit down and talk about your fears with your partner x

I find other people's children grating and annoying but feel totally different about my own ( wouldn't say that irl though).
The wtf have I done feelings are normal, change is always unsettling.
You can still have a child and a life.

Also, if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, although it’s wonderful some PP felt that instant rush of love the first time they held their babies, it’s completely normal if you don’t!

I think we hear so much about how your world changes in an instant, it’s like the flip of a switch, the love is so fierce it bowls you over, etc etc, that it builds up this huge expectation of what that moment will be like, but it really isn’t the same for all of us, and that’s okay!

I definitely was beyond happy to hold my baby and absolutely knew I was in love with her, but at the same time it wasn’t that lightning strike feeling that I was expecting. For both me and my partner, that came with time. The more days that passed and the more we got to know our little person and watch her grow, our love did too. Into that fierce, overwhelming love we expected.

So you’re not a monster if you don’t feel that way whilst you’re pregnant or straight away afterwards, please don’t worry about that.

I had wtf have I done moments - especially with first and I did want to be pg.

In fact didn't just have one had several but there were a lot of upheavals in that pg - change in job, house city - I think DH had such moments and went distant but never said anything.

I think you need to give it time and have a quiet think - and if you have made a mistake the see GP.

i also think you tend to hear the bad stories/side about parenthood and a lot of the really great stuff sounds madt o enjoy till it's your child.

Your baby isn't really " real" yet.

I very much loved my kids at every stage..... really don't like other kids much.....

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby

Just from a dads POV i was feeling much the same before the children came along, now proud dad to Three daughters and very proud doting grandad to a lovely grandson who i can't wait to take for a footplate ride on the real Thomas the tank engine;) and a 8 month old Grandaughter who already has me wrapped right round her little tiny finger..

Hah! love them all to bits:)

So there and congrats! you poor shit scared, apprenhensive, frightned worried, confused mum to be:!

I'm with the 1% up there. I think it will all be fine, it's in the fates:)

onionandsage
It will be okay

A very mundane point, but you don't have to raise your child to call you "mum" if you don't want to. My friend's three kids all call their parents by their first names and I think that's quite cool.

Apparently this began because DC1 realised that his mum would respond straight away if he addressed her by her name, while he always had to repeat "mummy" about 7 times :D

When I got my positive test, I threw it in the bin, cried and threw up. I had a scan and saw that little bunch of cells and it all felt alien to me. When she was born, I felt a little unsure of her - how to speak to her, how to change a nappy - I had no idea. Never done it before! But, I love that little girl with all of my heart and I would do absolutely anything for her. I have never been maternal, never liked anyone else's kids, but when the midwife put mine on my chest - I've never known love like it.

Saying that, I'm not you. It's your body and if you want to terminate the pregnancy then it's your absolute right to do so - but realistically I'd imagine it would permanently damage your marriage. I can't imagine how hurt I would be if my partner agreed to TTC and then terminated the baby that I'd planned for and wanted so much. There's no way I could stay with someone who did that to me.

I was the same with my much wanted and expected 1st DC. I spent a week in tears and honestly suggested to DH we have an abortion and try again in a couple of years.

It passed after a couple of weeks, and despite a horrific pregnancy I did it all again a couple of years later, as I loved her so much!

She's 3 now, and the light of my life, along with her brother.

Give it a couple of weeks. What youre feeling is common, give it time to pass before you make any decisions. I think it comes from mourning your old life, suddenly as a woman your life changes overnight, and you have tolet go of the person/life you had before. BUT then you realise,
you get a new, wonderful life to take it's place.

I'm sure it's quite normal to have these emotions. It is life changing no doubt. But honestly those changes come naturally when it's time and you'll be amazed how none of it feels strange then. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy. Give yourself a little time to get used to the idea before you rush into a decision though.

Oh also, how you feel about other peoples kids has no bearing on how you would feel about your own.

Thank you for the replies - it’s reassuring to hear that I’m not the only one who’s had massive doubts about it all.

I know I need to book a scan tomorrow, but the thought of calling the doctor and saying “I’m pregnant” is somehow completely terrifying. I just want to curl up in bed all day and not come out.

Um you don't need to book a scan yet
The first appointment is called a "booking in" appointment with a midwife at 8 weeks
They will then book your first scan for 12 weeks
(Or at least that's how it worked for me back in 2016!)

Some people dread it but end up loving parenting.

Some people look forward to it but end up hating it.

Some people dread it and end up hating it.

Some people look forward to it and love it.

It's not a given that once you have the baby, you will love being a mum. Lots of women absolutely hate their lives.

Sorry if that sounds negative, I'm just being realistic. You may end up absolutely loving it.

"It's your body and if you want to terminate the pregnancy then it's your absolute right to do so - but realistically I'd imagine it would permanently damage your marriage. I can't imagine how hurt I would be if my partner agreed to TTC and then terminated the baby that I'd planned for and wanted so much. There's no way I could stay with someone who did that to me."

WTF is this? "It's your body but..."!!!
Talk about projection!
If the marriage is so fragile that it couldn't survive a termination, it's probably not a great marriage in the first place.

Hi OP

I felt very similar. We put it off a long time, waited till I was 34, I fell pregnant immediately. I found out after a crazy work trip / social that turned into a massive drinking session, i realised that was the last time in a while. I called my husband completely distraught, I was crying so hard he thought something terrible had happened.

I couldn't tell people without crying, so I didn't. I was in denial for about 4 months. I told my parents at 16 weeks and was still so upset they assumed it was a mistake. I considered an abortion and my husband said he would support me if I wanted. I got as far as looking into how and where but couldn't go through with it.

We were used to lovely holidays, boozy weekends away, going out for nice food, both invested a lot in our careers. I didn't snd dont like other kids even nieces and nephews, I struggle to play with them, I find them annoying, I feel like I should love them but I'm not sure I do.

I hated being pregnant. It feels like most things I enjoy are banned. I hated all the changes to my body. I thought I'd resent the baby. I found out the sex but still called her 'it' and 'the baby's til she was born. It did feel a bit better when I could feel her kick and move and when we had the second scan and I could see her suck her thumb

I was so scared I wouldn't love the baby. I did love her instantly when she was born (though I'd say if you give through with it dont worry if this doesnt happen, it took a few weeks with my second). I honestly find my own babies fascinating and I find it weird that I do, because objectively I know they aren't! Seeing them go from nothing to rolling over and how hard they try is honestly amazing. If its anyone elses baby, I think of course they roll over, they're a baby. I remember my eldest throwing some food when she was tiny, and in someone elses baby I'd be gritting my teeth and in my own I was thinking oh wow, shes learnt how to throw!

I thought I'd struggle with lack of sleep physically and the bodily function stuff like nappies. Actually all that was easy but I did mentally struggle with worrying about sleep, and having no free time, and the relentlessness of it all. I only really felt like 'me' again after I stopped breastfeeding and went back to work

Despite all the shit times (and to be honest there are plenty), there are times when I've cried with happiness which I'd literally never done before, and I have also laughed a lot more. Yes I do sometimes resent them. I am itching to go travelling somewhere unsuitable for children and I'd love a week or even a day just totally to myself doing nothing. Life is just so busy. I dont regret it though (though I think my life wouldn't be 'missing' something if I hadn't had kids). I am also looking forward to the next few years where we can do some more activities as a family.

Not sure what I'm trying to say really. Some people do regret having their kids. But I felt similar to you and it has turned out ok.

Only advice I'd give is you need to bottom out now the practicalities of how your husband will be equally involved. We literally do 50 50 and I dont think I'd have coped if it wasnt the case, but mumsnet has made me realise how many couples revert to the gender roles of their parents when they have children of their own. For example will he help with nights when you are on maternity leave or will it be your job because hes at work? Will he do equal bath and bed in the evenings or will he 'need to relax and wind down' as his job is stressful? Will he share paternity leave with you (I would recommend this for a fully involved father). Will he change his hours at work afterwards? Will he do equal nursery pick up, playdate sorting, going to birthday parties, taking emergency leave from work as your child is sick? If you both have hobbies and separate friends, will you have the same time to yourselves, will you have the same time out of the house on hobbies etc? I think all parents should be made to discuss this before making a decision to conceive or keep a baby as although there are no guarantees, if the other parent is equally committed, and prepared to change their life as you are, your life will change a lot lot less than if you're left doing everything on your own.

God I've almost written a book, sorry!

Also you're the adult, you get to make the decisions eg about who sleeps in who's bed. I really hate those pubs geared towards kids - with play areas, TVs, beige kids menus, screaming children running everywhere and chucking stuff...I thought it was inevitable as a lot of my friends with kids went to those places. I've still never been. We go to food festivals or nicer restaurants at quiet times etc. Life doesnt necessarily have to change in ways you dont want it to

I had a chat with DH tonight and he admitted he would feel a lot of regret if I had a termination, but also said it’s my body and ultimately my decision. He’s very understanding. He said he felt 90% sure about having the baby - I’m surprised, I thought he’d be 100%.

Oh, I thought I needed to book a scan tomorrow but clearly have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve just read that even taking a hot bath is not a good idea - gutted as it really helps me sleep.