Pregnant with first child and really regret it

[onionandsage]

I'm 36 and my DH is 10 years older. DH is great with kids and has always said he'd like to start a family one day, although he's certainly never pestered me about it (other than the occasional, "do you fancy ttc soon?") and hasn't seemed in any rush. We've both just been focused on our careers and have been happy enjoying a lovely lifestyle.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company.

However, we've been married for two years now and in that time, I feel like I've started to come round to the idea of starting a family. Most of our friends now have babies and toddlers and the thought of having a family unit of our own began to appeal more and more.

DH and I agreed to start casually ttc earlier this year just to see what happened. I downloaded an app to track my ovulation and got quite into it - I felt slightly disappointed every month when my period arrived.

However, yesterday I discovered I was pregnant - and since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child.

I spent last night in floods of tears just panicking about it - how much our lovely life is going to change, how our lovely flat will be ruined, how we won't be able to do fun things as a couple anymore, like go to late-night cocktail bars and have long, lazy lie-ins at weekends.

I've read posts on Mumsnet where people kick their DH out of bed to let their child snuggle up to them instead - and honestly the thought of that makes me shudder and fills me with dread (I know - what kind of a monster am I?!)

More generally speaking I'm also just terrified about raising a little human being and being responsible for them becoming a good, kind and well-balanced individual. What if my child turns out to be an unlikable or bad person?

I also can't even begin to comprehend a child calling me "mum" - it feels completely alien.

I've only known that I'm pregnant less than two days and already I'm resenting the change in my lifestyle - not being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine for example.

I've thought about a termination but I know it would break DH's heart - although I know he'd support me if I really did 100% want to go through with it.

DH says he's ready for a change of lifestyle - he wants to be less selfish, and focus on someone else rather than just us. I just wonder if men truly realise all the work that a screaming baby entails - they don't have forums like Mumsnet to enlighten them!

I feel like I've had a life sentence handed to me and we're going to have our lives dictated to by this small child for the next 18 years.

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I've just read my post back and feel like such an evil person. I'm just so, so confused.

My first pregnancy I was way too young to have had a baby, immature and also had had anxiety, severe PMT, depression etc.

Second one was in a better place and loved fiance but he was a soldier and suffered PTSD when back from serving in Yugoslavia and also drink problem. So wouldn't have been ideal. Plus he was Canadian wanted me to marry him and live in Canada so I'd have been totally isolated, probably divorced by now and with kids!

@onionandsage
Only you can decide what you want to do.
A wonderful woman became pregnant shortly before starting a new job in a 'Third World' Country for several years.
No way could she have done the job with a newborn.
She decided to have a termination {Late 30's}

I was told by Mum that the lovely woman really missed never having had a child.
She would doubtless have made a wonderful mother.

However... it's you who has to ultimately decide.

I think your reaction is totally normal tbh.
I was like you throughout my 20s, I didn't like kids at all.
Then biology took over & I was at the mercy of it - I wanted a baby. I got pregnant. I was absolutely shitting it. It's just not something you can prepare for. How can you?
You have NO idea how your own life/mindset/relationships will be affected until baby arrives. It creates the most seismic shifts in all areas of your life, but you adjust.

When I had my baby I convinced myself that I was going to fuck up in the most spectacular way and be a totally shit mother, but I got past it.
I now have 2 and motherhood is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Fwiw, I didn't feel love for the baby as a foetus, and I didn't feel that initial rush of love after the birth either, but when it did come, by fuck did it take over my head and heart.

But some people do live to regret it. You just can't know until you do it.
I would ask yourself if it's fear that's making you feel like this, or if you just really really don't want a baby.
Imagine your life in 10, 20, 30 years. Do you imagine you'll be content with your life as it is? Yes, babies turn your world upside down but, for me anyway, that shake up is just what I needed.

Talk it through with someone, write down what you're thinking, if you feel like you can, openly & without judgement, share your fears with your husband.
Sharing here is a good start, but rest assured you are not a monster for feeling the way you do.

This thread is from 2019

ZOMBIE THREAD - WHY ARE PPL NOT RTFT FIRST?

Hope all worked out for you OP nonetheless

What's RTFT? New here.
It came up in "trending" and wasn't clear to me how old it was before I got invested.

Wonder what happened to her.

For all those saying Zombie, as I said above I restarted this thread as I am feeling similar and wanted to know how the OP got on.

I appreciate all the additional stories and advice.

I struggled to conceive for ages. When I got a positive result I sat in the side of the bath and cried. I thought my job would never be the same no more promotions etc, my social life was over, by body etc. My husband was jumping round like loon so excited. He turned to me and said this is good news. I was so scared.
Fast forward a few years I have quit my job cos I hated it and got a new job I love. I have a wonderful social life and love my body more than before. I also am pregnant with baby no 3 so obviously I love my kids.
As a side note no kid is ever a brilliant as your own kid so you have nothing to worry about we are all the same in that. You just need to practise the ' yes your little brat is adorable smile' useful for play groups / play dates / kids parties!

@KeepWatch

For all those saying Zombie, as I said above I restarted this thread as I am feeling similar and wanted to know how the OP got on.

I appreciate all the additional stories and advice.

I know, but people respond specifically to the OP's post, often very thoughtfully and detailed, and feel somewhat disappointed or aggrieved to have tailored their response to an ancient post.

As ever, it seems better to just start a new thread than resurrect an old one?

Live with it for a bit. Sleep on it. Think about the bigger picture, what you want your life to be, what's important, how you think you will feel in 10 years time making either decision. But either way, be kind to yourself

Totally your choice. We depseralty tried for baby, got the postive then I was like what the f have we done. Spent a fews in shock and slight panic. Got used to the idea. Then when on to do it twice more. I'm not maternal. I find other peoples kids irritating and dont like them. I really like my own though lol

@KeepWatch

For all those saying Zombie, as I said above I restarted this thread as I am feeling similar and wanted to know how the OP got on.

I appreciate all the additional stories and advice.

It might be better to start your own thread, just as a lot of people (as I do), will read OP's posts and tailor their reply to them. Glad the thread has helped though.

I knew I wanted kids, never had any doubts, even during pregnancy, but I think it's normal to be worried about what kind of parent you'll be and taking on all that responsibility - I definitely was. I still find it weird that I'm "mum", in a good way, but it is such a change when you're responsible for these tiny people!

I felt like this too. Exactly like this! So afraid of losing my lovely life, and to be honest, I have. But- I have a new one that I love just as much, if not more. I’m as surprised as anyone by how happy I am with my baby and how pleased I am that I did it! So you may feel differently once he/ she is here.

I agree that men can have unreasonable expectations around what having a child actually involves. I probably overestimated how hard it would be, my DH did the opposite.

How is your financial situation, can you afford support? Or do you have family who can support? I enjoy my baby much more when I get a bit of time on my own (it’s not much, but even a little bit helps). Support makes a world of difference IMO. If we were super rich and could afford regular night nannies I’d have five kids!!

@KeepWatch

For all those saying Zombie, as I said above I restarted this thread as I am feeling similar and wanted to know how the OP got on.

I appreciate all the additional stories and advice.

It's not really fair on the OP to have an old thread bumped from a time when she was struggling, though.

You should start your own thread if you want advice.

I won’t reply again after this as that will keep the thread going @fairylightsandwaxmelts

I really apologise if this has upset you at all @onionandsage, I really just hoped you might have some words of wisdom for someone else struggling.

I’ll take my problems off this thread now.

@Sazzlepop22

What's RTFT? New here. It came up in "trending" and wasn't clear to me how old it was before I got invested.

Wonder what happened to her.

It stands for "read the full thread". Always best to check the date of the original post before commenting.

Your feelings are valid and common but you can’t compare how you feel towards your child with how you like other kids in general.. your own is different and normally even people who spawned evil little crotch devils think their child is the most amazing thing.
As for lifestyle change that’s up to you- people find ways to parent under all different circumstances all over the globe- what’s REALLY stopping people from going out and doing things for themselves when they have kids? Nothing but their own attitudes and beliefs really. Get a babysitter one night a week- it’s doable if you want it enough.
I was just 18 when I had my first son, and I still did everything everyone thought I wouldn’t be able to with a child.
Have therapy to process your feelings but try not to worry- I don’t think anyone regrets their child when they actually hold them in their arms.

You don't sound ready to me
.