Pregnant with first child and really regret it

[onionandsage]

I'm 36 and my DH is 10 years older. DH is great with kids and has always said he'd like to start a family one day, although he's certainly never pestered me about it (other than the occasional, "do you fancy ttc soon?") and hasn't seemed in any rush. We've both just been focused on our careers and have been happy enjoying a lovely lifestyle.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company.

However, we've been married for two years now and in that time, I feel like I've started to come round to the idea of starting a family. Most of our friends now have babies and toddlers and the thought of having a family unit of our own began to appeal more and more.

DH and I agreed to start casually ttc earlier this year just to see what happened. I downloaded an app to track my ovulation and got quite into it - I felt slightly disappointed every month when my period arrived.

However, yesterday I discovered I was pregnant - and since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child.

I spent last night in floods of tears just panicking about it - how much our lovely life is going to change, how our lovely flat will be ruined, how we won't be able to do fun things as a couple anymore, like go to late-night cocktail bars and have long, lazy lie-ins at weekends.

I've read posts on Mumsnet where people kick their DH out of bed to let their child snuggle up to them instead - and honestly the thought of that makes me shudder and fills me with dread (I know - what kind of a monster am I?!)

More generally speaking I'm also just terrified about raising a little human being and being responsible for them becoming a good, kind and well-balanced individual. What if my child turns out to be an unlikable or bad person?

I also can't even begin to comprehend a child calling me "mum" - it feels completely alien.

I've only known that I'm pregnant less than two days and already I'm resenting the change in my lifestyle - not being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine for example.

I've thought about a termination but I know it would break DH's heart - although I know he'd support me if I really did 100% want to go through with it.

DH says he's ready for a change of lifestyle - he wants to be less selfish, and focus on someone else rather than just us. I just wonder if men truly realise all the work that a screaming baby entails - they don't have forums like Mumsnet to enlighten them!

I feel like I've had a life sentence handed to me and we're going to have our lives dictated to by this small child for the next 18 years.

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I've just read my post back and feel like such an evil person. I'm just so, so confused.

As you have only known that you are pregnant for a few days I would say that the feelings you describe above come from panic rather than the knowledge that you don't want a child. I think most mitgers can say that they had similar feelings and doubts during their pregnancy as having a baby is a big step and a big unknown especially if it is your first child. 2 weeks from now your feelings could have completely changed once you have got over the initial shock.

Definitely talk this through with your partner so that he knows you are having donuts and he can support you through the decision making process. If you have a close friend with children who you think won't judge you for you thoughts also talk to them. It might be good for you to get the perspective of someonee who has been through this change and has possibly had similar doubts. .

Don't feel pressured to make a decision before the termination cut off date. The last thing you want to do is terminate while unsure and spend the rest of your life regretting it. If you decide against termination but don't think you want to keep the baby there are always adoption and fostering options that you can look in to.

Honestly, you'll be fine. This is normal in the first few weeks for some people. When you see the baby at the 20 week scan and feel it moving, it all starts to change. xxx

Being pg is scary. i hated it. DH wanted a child and i did not really- althought was happy with the idea as a hypothetical.

I remember being so upset and wishing I could run away. I recall wailing to DH; 'I just want to run away, but wherever I go the baby has to come too!'

Alot of women feel like you. And honestly- it's okay. Take it at your own pace. Don't stress too much. It will be fine.

(So fine that I did it again. :) )

I won’t lie and say nothing changed, but honestly your life doesn’t end because you have a child. Of course it changes, a lot, especially in the first couple of years, but it isn’t awful. Before I had dc, i used to look at parents and feel so sorry for them ‘having’ to stay in during the evenings because they ‘couldn’t get a babysitter’. The amount of times I’ve used that excuse because I’m happy staying in! I just couldn’t see it in my early 20s, how any sane person would choose a night in front of the tv over a night in the pub getting drunk.

It might help to speak to someone though, your partner maybe, a close friend/doctor? so you can discuss how you feel about the massive Changes you are going through.

You sound just like me. We were never going to have kids, I got to 36 and changed my mind for a variety of reasons and thankfully my husband was supportive. It was a very stressful and traumatic few years getting our baby here.
We’d been together 16 years when we started trying, we’d been all over the world, loved doing what we want and when we want and lazed around on weekend mornings. Both have good jobs that we’re very good at. I’ve always been into my job, worked long hours, on call, available outside of work hours, went above and beyond etc etc.
I have always been good with my own family’s children but absolutely terrible with babies. I hated holding them, they always cried around me because they could sense my anxiety and I just thought I had no maternal instincts.
I had a horrible pregnancy and he was born 6 weeks early, and really struggled, spent 6 weeks in special care including a stint on life support.
And then when he came home we had a truly awful first month, he cried and cried and cried and I took us forever to figure out how to help him. This is an exceptionally long story that I could write about forever.

I remember my husband and I sitting on the sofa looking at each other and saying what on earth have we done to our carefree lifestyle.

But then I picked him up to feed him and he looked at me with these beautiful eyes and he was all we knew in the world at that moment. We were both completely in love with him. He brings tears to my eyes just thinking about him.

He’s 5 months now and we are having a
blast and you get used to all this mothering stuff. I always say to people that I don’t think it’s hard now, it is just completely constant, but in a really good way.

I literally haven’t even given work a second though. We still eat out when we want, we just take him with us. He goes to bed at 7.30 now so we still get couple time on an evening. And we don’t let our baby into our bed so hubby still gets the cuddles.

I really miss a lie in on a weekend. And I miss going to the cinema. And our holiday next year will be to Spain lol. But it’s all worth it when you get a beaming smile from your little one.

I know lots of mums who get no support from their partners. I know i wouldn’t be able to do it without my husband. He shares responsibility completely and makes it all so much easier. So make sure your hubby is on board with that.

I think it’s absolutely fine to feel the way you do. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I know that I was lucky enough not to suffer from PND but I did find that it helped to be honest about how I felt and about up if I was overwhelmed.

FWIW I did not bond with my baby (DC1) as soon as I held him. I went trhough the motions for about 4 months and then the love hit. Before that I did not even know I had not bonded because I did not know any different! But it was okay. It was all okay. I am not remotely maternal and am not at all interested in other people's children. But your own child-.... it is your own heart walking around outside you body on their own little legs. It is a wonder and a privilege to be a mother. I feel so so lucky. :)

I was petrified to have a baby. I was 32 when I got pregnant. A year earlier I thought I was pregnant, and daddy was not happy. We had been married 3 years. Then I got my period. Exactly one year later, I did get pregnant, and he was over the moon.

I myself never wanted children bcz I feared being like my own mother, who was evil, dangerous, yuuuuuuck.

But....

It wasn't until I held my little one... My entire body, heart, smile, mind.... my thoughts.....

Just holding her...

I was suddenly with purpose, and the proudest mother, ever. I never put her down.

Give yourself time to adjust. Once you figure out the real reason you are afraid, then you will know if it is just or not. Then you can take the right road on this. Give yourself time.

I know a guy who cannot staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand kids, at aaaaalllllll. Gosh. Scary! But, he has his own twin daughters, now 24, and their younger brother, now 20. He loves life only because of them, and lives for them. I once asked him, "So you don't like kids, like, at all? What about your own kids?" "BINGO!!" was his answer! LOL. Only his own. Forget the rest.

I also recall waking up every morning and feeling like it was Christmas... because i could get up and rush into DC1's room and see him there.

Would you have support from grandparents so you can still go out once in a while? This can make all the difference.

You don’t learn to love it , it comes naturally when you see the baby.

I couldn't abide babies when I became pregnant. I couldn't have been less interested in children generally. I became pregnant because I was 29 and XH and I kind of thought we should give it a go.

I don't agree with this 'instant love when you hold your baby' thing, either. I had the birth from Hell with DC1, and I just thought "thank God for that" once he was born and we were both still alive (was touch and go at one point). It took me a long time to bond properly with him - it certainly wasn't instant.

That said: my children are the best thing in my life, a million times over. That is not to say it has all been easy or pleasant. I am still not interested in other people's babies, though. Mine are now teenagers, and I have more or less got my life back.

FWIW, I never, ever had them in bed with me. There is absolutely no reason to see children at night if you have seen them all day. It's entirely possible to be a very good parent whilst not succumbing to every squawk from a small person.

Your life doesn't stop when you have kids, it just changes. Hopefully for the better. Yes you will feel as though nothing will ever be the same again and it won't. It'll just be a bit different.

I don't really like other people's kids that much and my toddler DS would challenge the patience of a saint but I couldn't be without him now.

You still have some time to think about what you want to do.

Oh OP. That feeling of complete overwhelming terror is totally natural. As I midwife I had it described to me more than once as a 'tied to the tracks with a freight train looming horror', even by women that were desperate to conceive, some of them via IVF. Sure, no all women feel like that, but I certainly did and I've seen it a lot. That said, it's not too late to change your mind. I would try to access some counselling to try to pinpoint what it is exactly that is scaring you so much, to see if this might something you can overcome. For what it's worth, I had a 'surprise' baby that was the last thing in the world I wanted. He's now my universe. I look at his little face and I can't believe there was ever a time I that I wished he wasn't here.

Oh and I've co-slept maybe a couple of times when DS was tiny and wasn't sleeping well but now? No way. I can't think of anything worse to be honest! He's happy in his bed and we're happy in ours!

since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child

I think every pregnant woman in history has done the same. It passes.

I remember saying to my DH “it’ll never just be you and me again, everything will change.” And it did. Completely. But it’s replaced by something absolutely unique and often magical, not always wonderful, sometimes very hard, but life in its technicolor extraordinariness.

It’s worth experiencing.

I don't like children much, certainly don't like babies.
Love my freedom love a glass of wine. Love my life.
Love my cats.
However I love my 4 children more than words can say. They kind of grow with you. It seems to work (in most cases)

being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine

OP, going to a restaurant and putting the world to rights over a bottle of wine with your lovely child in the weeks before they head off to university is... even better.

Sniff. Ahem. As you were.

People are right to point out you have choices but honestly - all sounds perfectly normal to me. My first was an IVF baby and I still felt like that at times.

And honestly - the baby doesn't have to stop you doing what you enjoy - we went for so many meals out during my first mat leave as I'd saved really hard whilst pregnant (because I wanted money to enjoy it and not just scrape by on maternity pay) so I actually had more disposable cash than I had in years! We just got used to lunches out instead of dinners.

Different story now whilst on second mat leave with less money and now a toddler to contend with too but that was our choice. But honestly, once you've got over the first few weeks and adjusted - babies are super portable - you can take them anywhere! My first maternity leave felt like one long holiday (I know I'm not supposed to admit to this but it did). I visited friends up and down the country who I hadn't seen for ages - spent loads of quality time with my Mum - it was great.

And I've never kicked my husband out of bed to make way for the baby. No way I could co-sleep as I'm too light a sleeper - baby sleeps in the cot and has from the word go.

Everyone is different - just do it your way x

Oh also I am not super keen on most of my friends' kids barring a few exceptions - I think that's normal too. You really do like your own a lot more!

Other people’s children are NOTHING like having your own. It’s a bit like other people’s parents, dogs, dreams....don’t imagine it’s anything like dealing with them. You don’t want to spend your life with your neighbours husband (I assume ) and their children are similarly not like yours will be.
We still eat out and holiday etc. Teach your child to love the stuff you do.

You're not evil, it's totally normal to feel how you are feeling. I'm not a big fan of babies or kids, never really been maternal and I love having my own space. Loved being pregnant, hated the baby stage but now? She's a toddler and she's bloody brilliant. She's absolutely hilarious, really silly and fun. There might be the odd morning where we've both put on fairy wings and danced around to drum and bass (a much more wholesome version of my ill spent youth!). She's so kind and sweet.

It is really, really hard. Your life does change a lot. But they're only little for such a short time in the whole scheme of things.

I used to like other people's children but now I think they pale in comparison to my DS
And I find them more annoying now because I use up all my patience with DS.

You have to remember, the horror stories you read on here of people not sleeping for 5 years while their husband sleeps 10 hours a night, are people coming on here for advice when they are at their lowest, and they're also extremes. People finding parenting easy are not going to comment on here rubbing salt in the wounds of people who find it hard. Also the recurring theme of people on the "I hate parenting and regret my kids threads" are lazy useless husbands who spend the whole week cycling/working and do fuck all at home. If your husband will genuinely do 50/50, then one of you can always sleep a night and get a lie in on the weekend. I know people IRL who do this and they are doing OK, no bags under their eyes.

I remember coming on here to read about smear tests, and reading dozens and dozens of posts about how painful and horrendous and traumatising it was. I put it off for a year. Then when I finally went, I felt NOTHING. Absolutely nothing, no pain, over in 5 minutes. I felt like a mug for believing horror stories when statistically, that's unlikely to be you.

But you should get counselling and give it some time.

I did feel like this with my first pregnancy which was a huge shock as I had no idea that my contraception had failed and I was only 21.
I remember feeling really sick and the concept of 7 more months of pregnancy quite horrifying and I often felt really resentful about what I was missing
But I didn’t feel that way when I gave birth at all, and when I felt pregnant the second time I felt much more in control and less resentful!

I was 20 yrs old when I discovered I was pregnant. I hated kids/babies. Didn't want to hold them when relatives had them and wanted me to hold them. I could not imagine being someones mum.

I had a traumatic birth and had to be in isolation for about ten days following due to a serious infection that wasn't responding to treatment. So I never bonded. It changed when my son was a few weeks old and realized I'd lay down my life to protect him. My maternal insists really kicked in big time. I couldn't stop looking at him.

I couldn't imagine life without my children. My oldest one is 45.