Pregnant with first child and really regret it

[onionandsage]

I'm 36 and my DH is 10 years older. DH is great with kids and has always said he'd like to start a family one day, although he's certainly never pestered me about it (other than the occasional, "do you fancy ttc soon?") and hasn't seemed in any rush. We've both just been focused on our careers and have been happy enjoying a lovely lifestyle.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company.

However, we've been married for two years now and in that time, I feel like I've started to come round to the idea of starting a family. Most of our friends now have babies and toddlers and the thought of having a family unit of our own began to appeal more and more.

DH and I agreed to start casually ttc earlier this year just to see what happened. I downloaded an app to track my ovulation and got quite into it - I felt slightly disappointed every month when my period arrived.

However, yesterday I discovered I was pregnant - and since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child.

I spent last night in floods of tears just panicking about it - how much our lovely life is going to change, how our lovely flat will be ruined, how we won't be able to do fun things as a couple anymore, like go to late-night cocktail bars and have long, lazy lie-ins at weekends.

I've read posts on Mumsnet where people kick their DH out of bed to let their child snuggle up to them instead - and honestly the thought of that makes me shudder and fills me with dread (I know - what kind of a monster am I?!)

More generally speaking I'm also just terrified about raising a little human being and being responsible for them becoming a good, kind and well-balanced individual. What if my child turns out to be an unlikable or bad person?

I also can't even begin to comprehend a child calling me "mum" - it feels completely alien.

I've only known that I'm pregnant less than two days and already I'm resenting the change in my lifestyle - not being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine for example.

I've thought about a termination but I know it would break DH's heart - although I know he'd support me if I really did 100% want to go through with it.

DH says he's ready for a change of lifestyle - he wants to be less selfish, and focus on someone else rather than just us. I just wonder if men truly realise all the work that a screaming baby entails - they don't have forums like Mumsnet to enlighten them!

I feel like I've had a life sentence handed to me and we're going to have our lives dictated to by this small child for the next 18 years.

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I've just read my post back and feel like such an evil person. I'm just so, so confused.

I hope it all works out for you, OP. I left it too late and have always regretted that.

I find other people’s kids grating and irritating specially in cafes and pubs and I ave to work hard in showing interest even in my own family all this since I have had my own .
I was made redundant at 1 month pregnant v scared and considered abortion
Very glad I did continue, but that’s me
You have options up to xxx weeks so stay calm and carry on for now

This thread is so old!

@RatherBeRiding

Your life will change, for sure, but it will hardly be over. Just different. None of the mothers I know have given up restaurants and drinking bottles of wine while having a good old moan! (Not while actually pregnant, obvs!)

It will only be a life sentence if you let it. Think how many people you know who are parents and are out running marathons, running companies, having exotic holidays - parenthood only dictates your lifestyle as far as you allow it to.

parenthood only dictates your lifestyle as far as you allow it to.

This isn't even slightly, remotely true.

It's even less true if you have a child with additional needs.

But even the easiest children in the world completely alter your life.

I say this as someone who has taken my kids, when small, halfway around the world, and has continued to work hard and party hard throughout their lives (my eldest is now 12).

It's absolute rubbish to say that it only changes your lifestyle if you choose it to.

A lot of this is totally normal even if you've been trying. The reality hits. And also, I couldn't believe I was going to have a baby as I was just about to have my c section. It felt so bizarre and I couldn't picture us having a child at all.

We both definitely wanted one but it has been so hard. I didn't think we'd make it passed year one as we just argued, resented each other and generally were just miserable. A huge amount of that was down to sleep deprivation and ultimately the financial strain being on maternity leave.

My point is, even if you want a baby it is tough and it is easy to become resentful of your partner. If you do not want a baby that resentment will be immense. You have time to think about this but you should absolutely make the right decision for YOU. If you do not want a baby then you do not have to have one.

I think this is quite natural, it's certainly not uncommon. I had it - I get buyer's remorse about lots of things.

You still have a choice here. It sounds like you're scared. People tend to naturally like their child more than children in general. You don't have to like other people's children.

I'm not going to sugar-coat things OP, I'm not going to say that of course you'll love your baby/child, just think of all the lovely moments, their first word, snuggles, smiles, milestones etc. Yes there are many lovely aspects of parenting. But there are also so many difficulties. I am not a natural parent, and I find so much of it very difficult - both the day-to-day aspects, and my constant worry about everything and the future. Also we have zero support - will you have any support around you? If not, you can build a paid-for one through sitters etc.

But ... I love my DC more than life itself. I actually loved the baby stage. And we're doing this parenting thing, we're learning, we're improving, we're growing, and I'm sure it's making me a better person! I just have to accept that it's hard. Good luck OP.

Oh just saw that this is an old thread..............

Getting a positive test can be very shocking even if it's planned. I remember feeling quite claustrophobic initially, like "what have I done" but as time went on I got used to the idea and by 9 months I was more than ready and very excited. I think I'd spent most of my adult life avoiding pregnancy like it was a bad thing so when it happened it was meant to be happy but it was like "the bad thing I've been avoiding" had happened. But it was all ok in the end.

ZOMBIE THREAD!!....

I really want to know what OP decided to do now.

All your fears are pretty valid TBF. Restaurants and wine and long lie ins will be a thing of the past for a few years. BUT if you stick with one, you will get your life back much sooner than those who go on to have more, AND you will get to experience the joy and the love… don’t underestimate how much you will love this child, it is so powerful and makes it all worth while, even when you don’t think you’re maternal.

Would really love to know what the OP decided to do and how it all worked out....if she's out there and wouldn't mind saying?

This was me, albeit slightly younger. Not maternal. Don’t find kids ‘cute’. Didn’t find the biological aspect of pregnancy bonding or particularly sentimental. Felt at times, particularly the first few months, that I’d made a terrible mistake.

BUT. My daughter is awesome, the best thing I ever did & I have zero regrets.

Motherhood doesn’t have to be the Instagram, ‘so in love with you’, co-sleeping shite that you see everywhere. It’s for you to mould it to how you want it to be & find your own parenting style.

I never coslept, DD slept in her own bed in her own room from 6mo, she goes to nursery so I can work & she is very much my little mate. I love her beyond words but my motherhood style isn’t overly emotional, more practical and jokey. It’s lovely seeing her with DH, but DH and I are still very much a couple as well as parents.

Please don’t absorb the Mother Earth stuff you see on here, or the sickly sweet narrative on social media. There’s more than 1 type of good mother, you’ll settle into your own dynamic. Congrats

I understand how you feel as I never wanted children until my late thirties. My mum was dying and I am an only child. I have just one ds but although I dont regret having him it does totally change everything.

Knowing you are not an earth mum is nothing to be ashamed of. Are you an aunt to any siblings children as it may be easier to settle for that?

I'm completely not maternal and not keen on children - I also got pregnant by TTC as I was in a happy, long term relationship with my partner (now Husband).

I was fed the lie 'when you're pregnant, it will be different, when you give birth, you'll love your child, you never regret having a child'.... When I found out I was pregnant I cried so much and never felt any happier.

I got to the point I was suicidal - I literally had never felt so low, even whilst on antidepressants (which I'd never had in my life before). I terminated at 12 weeks and will never try to get pregnant again.

I'm not saying that my approach is right for you - but I'm just saying that's what I did. I don't think I'm evil, I love my Nephew and Nieces and enjoy spending time with them - however, I have never felt the urge to have a child and I was wrong to try and 'force' that feeling of desire as it never came - just fear and misery.

You're not evil - whatever you decide.... you're not a bad person. It is a life changing decision and some people feel it's worth it - others not. Whatever you decide - It's YOUR choice.

ZOMBIE but it would be interesting to hear how things turned out for the OP.

Zombie thread!!!

Sorry to be an asshole about this but why the hell agree to try for a child and then just dismiss it and consider throwing it away like it's nothing. You had the chance to weigh up all these 'life ruining' risks but still you went ahead with it.

So many women out there would die to be in your position.

Completely irresponsible.

^ I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company. ^

Many parents find other kids annoying, but love their own wholeheartedly. The fact that you don’t like others kids doesn’t mean that you won’t be a great parent.

The OP was still pregnant 5 months later, so hopefully things went well.

Zombie thread and hope OP is happy now with her child.

My story is slightly different, unplanned pregnancy at 17, wanted baby but boyfriend not really in picture, had termination.

Then pregnant at 20 with fiance's baby but had miscarriage at 12 weeks.

I also had panics all the way through my 20s re not wanting to get pregnant and getting MAP even though eg i was on BCP. I was petrified of being a single mum like my mum and my best friend had 2 kids at 18 and 20 and regretted it as she was cash strapped etc.

Late 20's I met someone - not right for me - was with him 2 years but he suggested we try for a baby - me - no way!

Then in 30s due to various other circumstances (lots of grief, depression etc) my relationship cycle/pattern dropped off a cliff edge and I found myself wanting kids and a relationship and some relationships worked out but it never got to 'marriage and baby' bit.

I was still petrified of having kids and being left to manage alone as a single parent. Main reason was stigma my DM had in 1970s and also little/no support from her parents and my parents divorcing when I was 5 and DF was abusive/alcoholic so DM didn't want us in touch with him (we did but when I was 13). We had poverty etc and a stepfather from age 5 (me).

Now I'm 50 as of last year so that ship has sailed. Yes I do have regrets but I recall saying to a best friend I was 50/50 re babies. And I really was. But the whole hormonal bit especially in 30s messes with your head.

I think for OP - my DM always had a story for me about a woman she worked with who fell pregnant but seemed the most unmaternal woman ever but when she had a baby she became the opposite. I do think for lots of women that does happen. But I also know a lot of single women who emphatically do not want babies/kids/are career women and that's ok too.

FWIW, I felt exactly the same as you, and I didn't enjoy the early months of motherhood much - though I engaged with my DS more than I expected to. I think it was the gradual realisation that this wasn't 'a baby,' it was a new person in my life that I was gradually getting to know and who liked me and I liked him.

I'm not saying it was easy from then on - I don't much enjoy, and never have enjoyed, small children, but I managed, and as he got older, I found him more and more delightful. I now have an adult friend who is close to me and on my side, and I'm on his. I have the bonus of a DIL who has also become a friend and two granddaughters that I am getting know - and finding more and more enjoyable.

We don't live in each other's pockets - we see each other maybe once a month - but we're there for each other - all of us - when needed. In the end, I think having my DS was one of the best things I ever did. But I really, really thought I'd made a major mistake at first. Having a supportive partner makes a massive difference.

Whatever you decide, good luck.