Pregnant with first child and really regret it

[onionandsage]

I'm 36 and my DH is 10 years older. DH is great with kids and has always said he'd like to start a family one day, although he's certainly never pestered me about it (other than the occasional, "do you fancy ttc soon?") and hasn't seemed in any rush. We've both just been focused on our careers and have been happy enjoying a lovely lifestyle.

I'm completely unmaternal and don't like kids - if I'm sitting next to one in a restaurant or the pub I find it really grating, and generally I just find them annoying and not cute and don't enjoy being in their company.

However, we've been married for two years now and in that time, I feel like I've started to come round to the idea of starting a family. Most of our friends now have babies and toddlers and the thought of having a family unit of our own began to appeal more and more.

DH and I agreed to start casually ttc earlier this year just to see what happened. I downloaded an app to track my ovulation and got quite into it - I felt slightly disappointed every month when my period arrived.

However, yesterday I discovered I was pregnant - and since I had the positive test result I've been completely freaking out about the fact I'm going to have a child.

I spent last night in floods of tears just panicking about it - how much our lovely life is going to change, how our lovely flat will be ruined, how we won't be able to do fun things as a couple anymore, like go to late-night cocktail bars and have long, lazy lie-ins at weekends.

I've read posts on Mumsnet where people kick their DH out of bed to let their child snuggle up to them instead - and honestly the thought of that makes me shudder and fills me with dread (I know - what kind of a monster am I?!)

More generally speaking I'm also just terrified about raising a little human being and being responsible for them becoming a good, kind and well-balanced individual. What if my child turns out to be an unlikable or bad person?

I also can't even begin to comprehend a child calling me "mum" - it feels completely alien.

I've only known that I'm pregnant less than two days and already I'm resenting the change in my lifestyle - not being able to go to a restaurant after a hard week at work and put the world to rights over a bottle of wine for example.

I've thought about a termination but I know it would break DH's heart - although I know he'd support me if I really did 100% want to go through with it.

DH says he's ready for a change of lifestyle - he wants to be less selfish, and focus on someone else rather than just us. I just wonder if men truly realise all the work that a screaming baby entails - they don't have forums like Mumsnet to enlighten them!

I feel like I've had a life sentence handed to me and we're going to have our lives dictated to by this small child for the next 18 years.

On the other hand, a tiny (1%) bit of me thinks maybe it'll be ok, I'll learn to love it, I'll be making a mistake and will be filled with regret if I don't have the baby.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I've just read my post back and feel like such an evil person. I'm just so, so confused.

Oh god!
Try and take it one day at a time.
I think the later you have a baby the harder it is because you have become so used to having time to yourself and to being in control of things.
For me having a baby young was life changing but because I had not become settled in my ways she just slotted in with our lifestyle. None of our friends had a baby but we still went along to every event, baby too, with nappies and a change of clothes and I just stuck her on the breast everywhere and anywhere.No body batted an eye!
Try and relax and not over think it.
We take parenting way too seriously these days!

Other peoples children are extremely annoying, and you dont need to co sleep'!

I’m not not keen on other people’s children and I was so unsure when I first became pregnant and for my second pregnancy too! Once everything had settled and I actually got quite excited. I love my children dearly but I would never kick my husband out of bed to snuggle with them. There’s lots of different types of parent. See how you feel once the dust settles it’s such a shock finding out you are pregnant.

We had an unplanned first DC and a very much planned and wanted 2nd DC. I only had this feeling with the 2nd. Everything worked out completely brilliantly.

Hormones are an absolute kicker and contribute a lot to this.

Only you know how you feel though OP and it sounds like it wasn’t a massively planned/desired/longed for outcome. I’d advise letting things settle for a few weeks and reassessing.

Also, agree with PP’s that other people’s DC are mostly completely annoying!

I was the same but I adore my kid now she's amazing it's more joy than I ever thought possible

Other people’s kids are horrible your own are brilliant , yes it’s a change in lifestyle but not one you would regret as such .

Firstly, congratulations!

I have always known I wanted children and was married and pretty much perfectly timed when i found out I was pregnant. It was such a shock and I was physically shaking with fear for hours after wandering wtf I'd done. I was then in denial it was happening and didnt prepare anything until 36weeks in. I was still screwing together nursery furniture when I went into labour.

There are always options if you do not want to continue but knowit is totally normal to feel freaked out ( and not find other people's kids cute!).

I have ended up extended breastfeeding, co sleeping and way softer than I thought I would be. I was super Nanny all the way before. I love my little girls fiercely and live is different but happier with tem for me.

Haven’t read the full thread but I just want to say, in case no one else has said it, please don’t judge whether you want to have a baby based on your reaction to other people’s children!!

Lots of people feel this way - I do... and I’m very maternal and love being a mum, I would have 7 kids if I could afford them!

"yes it’s a change in lifestyle but not one you would regret as such"

Actually some people do regret it.

As a PP said, better not to have a child than to have one you don't want or love.

There is a lot of biased advice on here (it is mumsnet after all) so please take it with a pinch of salt.

If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, you will be fine, and if you decide not to, that's fine too.

(FYI there is a pregnancy choices section if you are seriously considering termination and would like unbiased support on it.)

Oh crikey I remember the utter fear and feeling totally sick to the stomach when we got our first much wanted pregnancy. I was utterly disconnected and pretended it wasnt happening as I was so scared. Didnt make nursery or anything. Luckily dh was great. Iv had two more since. I'm not a.fan of other peoples children but adore my own

You're jumping ahead. Your life isn't about to dramatically change. You'll have your baby. You won't be called mum for at least a year
You don't love your baby yet because you don't know your baby! You haven't met them. When I was pregnant with my second I spent the whole pregnancy worried I wouldn't love my second as much as my first. I couldn't imagine it. So everyone has similar feelings to some extent.
You can still go to the late bars. If you even want to! You just need a babysitter!
You can still have lie ons but not you and dh at the same time!
Life is about to change and change is scary. It is really difficult. It's so much fun though. And you will have another person in your life that you love so much and who loves you so much!
Congratulations x

Firstly, you've got time to think about it (presuming you're only 4-5 weeks). You dont have to make a decision immediately.
Secondly, that wtf have I actually done feeling is completely normal. I have been maternal my whole life, adored kids, couldn't wait to be a mum. If you asked me as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up, your answer would've been a mother. When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified. I burst into tears, thought wtf have I done my life is ruined.
It isn't, and dc is my favourite person in the world. But life is definitely different.
Honestly, think about it carefully, and do what is best for you. You will probably occasionally wish for the alternative and wonder if you made a mistake whatever choice you make, but only you can make it.
Think about pros and cons, and are you willing to change your life, because it would be a big change.
Ultimately, talk to your husband and do what feels right for you.

Sounds like you 99% don't want to have a baby.

From what you've described I would not go ahead with having the baby

Hmmm, I'd def get some help now (counselling etc) and think things through to decide where your lives are going, otherwise you're risking a very big bump to your mental health in future months.
I wasn't particularly maternal and always prioritised my career, had no intention of babies, however like you had a similar unexpected change of heart and started to think more positively about the idea. we decided to TTC. However unlike you I was generally very pleased to eventually conceive. The pregnancy and birth were hard but I felt like I was ready for the new chapter.
What followed however was us separating when DC was 1 and a divorce soon after as neither of us were actually particularly prepared for the amount of relationship, sleep and lifestyle sacrifices we'd need to make after 11 years of just us/work and holidays/nights out to think about.
If you're feeling like this now, I'd be concerned and unlike others on this thread, wouldn't just put it down to hormones.

I didn’t really like children either. Annoying and messy. We would occasionally look after our 2 nephews and I hated every second.

We now have a DD aged 2 and it’s great. Our house is still lovely and tidy, and we still sleep really well (no long lie ins though I’m afraid). I’ve never entertained the idea of DD in our bed as that is our space.

Yes, things like bars etc are out the window but we still do great stuff all the time. We’ve been in Cornwall this week and spent a LOT of time in pubs - DD loves the hustle and bustle and being part of the conversations. Lovely walks, time on the beaches, looking at boats - a lovely holiday and not dictated by DD at all.

I felt quite similar to you before she came along, but I really love having a child. It’s just sort of enhanced the nice life I already had, rather than completely changing it.

Congratulations.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’ve only just found out you’re pregnant and you’re probably still in a bit of a state of shock.

I was only 18 when I discovered I was pregnant with dd1. I was terrified and weighed up all the options, after much sole searching I decided to keep her and I’ve never regretted my decision.

My girls are wonderful people who enrich my life every day. For the record though, I find many many kids intensely irritating and toddlers do my head in now my kids are older!

You don’t have to be a really kid centred person to love your child and be a good parent.

It is a big change and it is normal to be in shock. You can trust the blessed hormones to make you love even other people’s nasty children and give you the patience of a saint to raise your kid and even feeling like you want another 4.

I think you will be fine, and you will love your kid, but you don’t have to go ahead with the pregnancy if you don’t want to.

Your own kids are always way less irritating than other people's until they start retelling fucking YouTube videos. Mine are now 10 and 12. I wasn't maternal at all. I don't think I am now, but I love the bones of them.

You've only just found out, give everything time to sink in and then you can have a serious think about whether it's really what you want, for you not anyone else.

As for all the other stuff, you organise things the way you want, my son has never been allowed in bed and I'm single. Wouldn't dream of kicking a partner out if his own bed. Woman at work does this and I was

I'm not really maternal but my kid is the absolute tits (sorry if that wording isn't allowed). You find joy in different things as a parent, that's all.

If someone wanted me to go out tonight for a bottle of wine, I wouldn't want to go - pre-kid me wouldn't have understood what she didn't know.

I never thought I wanted children either, then fell pregnant with twins at 37! And yes, they've changed my life, but in such wonderful ways .

The first time you hold your baby, the feeling of overwhelming love is hard to describe. I appreciate some mothers may not feel this, but I can't imagine feeling any other way.

"You can trust the blessed hormones to make you love even other people’s nasty children and give you the patience of a saint to raise your kid and even feeling like you want another 4."

Hahahahaha no.
Parenthood has not magically made me want 4 children.
For a while it made me feel NEVER AGAIN and some people do stop at 1.

And she NEVER sleeps in my bed, by choice.