To think we won't ever have children because of how DH feels

[andpeggy1]

So we are both in our early 30s and been together for over a decade, married for 4 years. Whilst neither of us have been super broody or said we NEED kids in our life ( we always said when we were younger yea I'd like to have kids some time in the future) for me that some time in the future is starting to appear, so I approached the question to him about would he like to start trying for a family and if so when should we?

We had a pretty deep conversation about this. Deeper than what we have ever had. I assumed we were on the same page with this but aparently not. I said because of my age I would like to start in the next 6months to a year, only because I need to have my nexoplanan implant out and need to give my body time to settle. He said that was too soon, and felt like we were rushing. and wanted to wait a few more years (I'd be 36 by that point - yes I know that's still an ok age to have them, but still not without risk). We came to a compromise of this time next year we would see where we feel and go from there.

Couple of days later DH anxiety has been through the roof. We talk more and it stems from this whole kids chat. He does suffer with high anxiety and a negative outlook on life and is quite a nervous person. But generally together were great and he even says I'm a positive grounding influence on him.

He revealed that the thought of having kids terrifies him. It's the biggest responsibility, it causes a lot of change. He's so happy with our life as it is now. He hasn't said an outright NO to them but the way he's reacting, I can't put that kind of pressure on him.

He said that in a years time he may feel different about it, but if he's like this in this state in a years time n he said no to kids would I resent him? I said atm no I don't resent you because your going through meltdown, but at the same time I don't know how I'm going to feel in the next year. What ever happens we will still have each other and that's most important. He calmed down a little then.

I've had time to think about this now. I don't feel his view will change in a year. And yes we have a good life now. I always thought though having children would just enhance how lovely our life is. They arnt a need, more of a want.

But I can't get over the feeling that the chance of potentially having them has/is being taken away. I'm trying to look at it from the position of if we physically couldn't have them I think I would be ok with the desision as there is no possibility. I need to just look at what I have in life now and appreciate it don't I, rather than thinking and being upset on what could be.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How are you getting on now? What conclusions did you come up with?

I think he's being very unfair to you. He has been with you since your early twenties and is willing to wait until 36 or later to decide actually I never want kids! He should have been honest way sooner.

Either this is a deal breaker for you as you definitely do want kids or you'd rather stay with him than anything else. But it is YOUR choice to make.

What a horrible situation to be in. You say he suffers from Anxiety, do you think he actually doesn’t want children (and will just keep saying “next year”) or do you think he is just anxious about the changes to your life, looking after children, finances etc. I suppose the first thing is to establish which it is. If it’s the anxiety then perhaps some counselling would help?

If it’s that he doesn’t want children, then I guess you need to decide if you do. Perhaps you don’t feel broody now but you might at 40 and resent him. Then again you might not. You probably need to have another chat with him.

I’ve been in this sort of situation, but we were a couple of years younger and it was me who wasnt ready and wasn’t sure if I wanted children at all any more. Similarly we’d been together since we were much younger and both assumed we’d have children at some point. When that point started to come around (we had bought our house, I was turning 30, we had good jobs etc...) I kept finding excuses to put it off (I was being a bridesmaid, we were having a big holiday that would be spoiled by being pregnant etc.) for another few months, then another.

We had an enormous row about the whole thing during which my husband told me he couldn’t stay married to me if I didn’t want children, but we ended up agreeing to completely shelve the issue for 6 months and make a decision after that one way or the other.

For me it was just cold feet and feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of our lives changing so much, and it passed. Having a bit of time with no pressure, where we agreed that we wouldn’t even discuss it, allowed me to work through what I was feeling and by the end of the six months I had booked an appointment to have my coil removed.

(It ended up taking over 2.5 years ttc after all that and I could have kicked myself for not starting earlier, but that’s a whole other story!)

This is why I left my first partner after 7 years. Luckily I was still only 28 then and met my DH 2 years later. We had two DDs. Get out now while you have time to find a new partner who does want kids.

I don't know how helpful this would be buy I don't know anyone who wasn't anxious about having kids and didn't find the thought of the responsibility daunting. It is a big deal and does change your life but many people do it and many people manage. If he wants kids but is just nervous I think he just needs to take the plunge and to be honest I would think if you both want to I would do it sooner rather than later as the more he broods over all the what it's the worse he will make it in his head.

Sigh. Keep talking to him - you can't leave it for a year now.

"He revealed that the thought of having kids terrifies him. It's the biggest responsibility, it causes a lot of change." Which makes him SO UNIQUE. Jesus. Course it is.

My therapist said almost every woman in her 30s who sees him says her husband is saying some variant of this.

I spent years having this conversation with my DH. We started trying when I was 40. Those are precious years of TTC to lose.

I was very understanding and give and take for a while (like you, bit ambivalent about it) but finally I just said "I'm doing this, with or without you" and started looking up sperm donors and suddenly he snapped into action. Men are very good at kicking this can down the road. Don't let him. He might be anxious - that's ok to feel, but it shouldn't paralyse him. Has he never moved cities / taken a new job / changed his life in any way before?

No one knows if they'll be a good parent or love it or hate it until you do it. Don't let fear of change get in the way of making a new life.

Maybe get his to speak to his therapist about having kids and if he still feels the same after then I would seriously consider leaving him. The need for wanting children is greater than a relationship most of the time.

Don't leave this issue for a year. Work through it as a couple and on your own. Only you know how important it is to have a child. It is perfectly possible to have a wonderful and fulfilling life without having children, and many many people chose a life without children.

If you love him and want to stay with him then perhaps not having children doesn't have to be a deal breaker

My OH was very much like this. Terrified of the life change though never said an outright no. I think it’s hugely common. Took me until 36 and my loudly shrivelling ovaries to convince him but he got there. We now have a small baby and he dotes on her! However I was never genuinely worried he’d refuse, I knew he’d get on board later once he’d had a few more years of carefree living. Only you know if yours is likely to do the same.

I think it's probably a bit of a pointless conversation to have while your dh's anxiety is still so dominant, as he's not going to be thinking as rationally. I would recommend like a pp said shelving the conversation for 6 months on condition that he seeks help for the anxiety so you can have a sensible, non-emotive chat once his head's in a better place.

Does he have any help for the anxiety? My DH has always suffered to a degree but a new job and new pressures really put him in a bad place. He went on anti depressants and it made such a difference. He's weaning himself off then now and is still so much more positive.

OP, I don't want DC myself, but can completely see where you're coming from with your timeline. You've had a decade(?) Together already, and now want to settle in to the next stage of your lives. It sounds like the idea of having DC is not a new concept in the relationship, so of course you feel like a chance has been taken away from you.

I have anxiety, and massively overthink things. The fact he's asking you "if he's like this in this state in a years time n he said no to kids would I resent him?" Leads me to believe he is almost definitely a no and is just stalling you in the hope that you'll change your mind in the next year. That's the kind of thing I'd say to push something stressful out of my life and let my future self worry about.

Do any of your friends have DC's? Is there anyone DH can talk to about being a first time father?

It may be he's just worked it up in his head (or someone's had words with him), and now he thinks it's definite doom for his social life, finances and marriage.

I was in this situation with my partner. He had always said he wanted kids but the first yime I brought up having a babyhe was totally against it with giving similar reasons to your husband. It was too soon, really happy with the relationship and didn't want it to change, kids are a big responsibility etc.he also told me we could talk about it in a year which we did but his feelings hadn't changed. It resulted in a big argument and a lot of tension between us because he thought I was pushing him in to it and I felt he was stringing me along by asking me to keep waiting and eventually it would be too late and I would have missed the chance of becoming a mother. It had a difficult period of a few months constantly discussing the topic but he eventually decided that he wanted to have children and now we have a son and he has exceeded my expectations as a father. I think he found the pregnancy difficult as he was nervous and didn't know how his life would change but now the baby is here he loves being a father and wants to be involved in everything.

Hi OP

Is he getting any help with his anxiety? If not, would he agree to? As having a newborn is likely to make this a lot worse so would be a good idea to address it first.

It is unfair to make you wait too much longer. Unless he is going through a process of counselling, what's actually going to be different in a couple of years as opposed to 6 months?

He is asking to you delay the decision to have kids, until it may be too late to have kids! Therefore taking the decision out of your hands. And that is not fair. I have read that between 37 and 40 is the age where fertility really decreases. Secondary infertility is more common than issues conceiving the first. Therefore if you wait til 36 even if he says yes you might be restricting this to one child. And everyone knows people that have easily had a baby at 42. But everyone will also know people that have really struggled with fertility and had treatment for years, you just dont hear about it as much.

By not wanting to make a decision, he is in effect making a decision for you. I'd say you need a decision by the middle of next year and him to work on his anxiety if he does want children

If you are sure you want children it would be best to leave now so you have the chance to meet someone who does want DC. IME the desire for children gets stronger as you move through your 30s.

I think you will resent him massively if you start TTC late and either have to have invasive painful expensive IVF, which could fail, you'd be left childless. Meanwhile he has long time to change his mind about wanting kids, change his wife and have dc with a younger woman.

His attitude isnt going to change in a few years. Deal with this now. For me at 32 its ultimatum time. Ive had friends who did this. I know its daunting but at your age you have several years to find someone who does want kids, plus get married, then try for a baby. I dont think TTC at 36 to 40 is too late per se. Although miscarriage seems to be more common as you get older. Its more the risk that either hes not ready at 36 or the toll the stress of IVF and disappointment will put on your relationship.

You are likely not going to get to have kids for 3 years if you break up with him now but you have a better chance than waiting for him to be ready then starting TTC late in life. Plus it will focus his mind on what he wants: you and a family or not you and find someone else to string along or who doesn't want dc.

I think you have to decide if no children would be a deal breaker for you (not you and him). If it is then you have to make plans to go your separate ways. If you persuade him to have them and he doesn't want kids he'll resent it and it'll come up at every opportunity -when you're tired, when you have less cash etc. If you want kids and don't have them then you will resent him. However, he's really unreasonable to say he wanted them - only to keep pushing back the decision.

I had the same with my DP. I spent my early 30’s trying to convince myself I could live without them, but it came out whenever I felt emotional . Finally agreed when I was 36 and I don’t know what changed his mind except he said he thought I was on the fence too and wasn’t that bothered - I thought I was clear , but maybe I wasn’t. All good now and a v involved dad. I had to show him how it would work financially etc, do all the budgeting etc.

I don’t think you should wait a year to resolve this. We waited until we were in our late 30s (mutual decision) to have children, and we had one child very easily, but have been struggling to have another. I wish we’d started earlier. Something to think about if you want more than one child. I don’t think his feelings will change in a year, but may become more entrenched.

I don’t think I’d willingly have DC with someone who has poor MH.

Some anxiety over tv/ bringing children into the world and bring them up is natural of course, there are many things to consider.

Does he generally keep in top of his MH with meds/therapy? Will he seek more help now this is becoming an issue?

If you feel you have to parent him in any way just now- always being positive/not able to show your own upsets for fear of making his negativity/anxiety worse I wouldn’t dream of TTC.

This time next year it will be this time next year again, rinse and repeat until it’s too late. You have some hard thinking to do @andpeggy1.

All he’s done is convince you not to mention it for a whole year. A whole year of your fertility gone! And in a year’s time then what happens? He buys himself another year?

Are the risk of being heartless, I'd jump ship now. I wouldn't risk missing out on a life without children at the behest of someone else.

I had a friend in your situation. Met young , had a great life , DC not high on the agenda etc. Friend hit 30 and started to change her mind but her DH kept saying he wasn’t ready “ maybe next year “ until she was late 30s and he says an outright no; he wasn’t prepared to have their lives changed . She decided to stay with him but grew very angry and depressed . They split up when she was 42 . He met, remarried and had 2 DC within 5 years and my friend is childless .

*ttc not tv!