To think we won't ever have children because of how DH feels

[andpeggy1]

So we are both in our early 30s and been together for over a decade, married for 4 years. Whilst neither of us have been super broody or said we NEED kids in our life ( we always said when we were younger yea I'd like to have kids some time in the future) for me that some time in the future is starting to appear, so I approached the question to him about would he like to start trying for a family and if so when should we?

We had a pretty deep conversation about this. Deeper than what we have ever had. I assumed we were on the same page with this but aparently not. I said because of my age I would like to start in the next 6months to a year, only because I need to have my nexoplanan implant out and need to give my body time to settle. He said that was too soon, and felt like we were rushing. and wanted to wait a few more years (I'd be 36 by that point - yes I know that's still an ok age to have them, but still not without risk). We came to a compromise of this time next year we would see where we feel and go from there.

Couple of days later DH anxiety has been through the roof. We talk more and it stems from this whole kids chat. He does suffer with high anxiety and a negative outlook on life and is quite a nervous person. But generally together were great and he even says I'm a positive grounding influence on him.

He revealed that the thought of having kids terrifies him. It's the biggest responsibility, it causes a lot of change. He's so happy with our life as it is now. He hasn't said an outright NO to them but the way he's reacting, I can't put that kind of pressure on him.

He said that in a years time he may feel different about it, but if he's like this in this state in a years time n he said no to kids would I resent him? I said atm no I don't resent you because your going through meltdown, but at the same time I don't know how I'm going to feel in the next year. What ever happens we will still have each other and that's most important. He calmed down a little then.

I've had time to think about this now. I don't feel his view will change in a year. And yes we have a good life now. I always thought though having children would just enhance how lovely our life is. They arnt a need, more of a want.

But I can't get over the feeling that the chance of potentially having them has/is being taken away. I'm trying to look at it from the position of if we physically couldn't have them I think I would be ok with the desision as there is no possibility. I need to just look at what I have in life now and appreciate it don't I, rather than thinking and being upset on what could be.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How are you getting on now? What conclusions did you come up with?

The thing is, posters are now trying to do exactly what you're calling OPs husband for doing. Trying to 'convince' her that one way of life is better than the other.

Trying to convince her that she should 100% have that child that she's not entirely sure about herself because 100% it's the best experience ever and she'll have an unfulfilled life without it, she can still do all these things she wants to do etc... when in reality it isn't always like that for every single parent is it?

OP have a serious think about what you want. Don't be swayed by your husband and certainly don't make a decision based on what posters here tell you you should do. This is something you really need to work out for yourself.

I agree it could end up causing resentment in the future if you really want a child. But don't make that decision because people tell you you can't have a good life without it. You certainly can.

Also

I think I'll always have moments when I think awww it would be lovely to have our own kids. But then I have all this other stuff I want to do and achieve that I want to have too. I can't have both, and kids arnt a 100% life or death need for me

Let's hope all the things you want to do and achieve are things your husband is in agreement to as ATM it looks like you have 0% success rate at that.

From experience having children becomes life and death when you can't have them .

For some people it never crosses their mind as they have never seen themselves with children but if you ever even thought about it and you ignore the ticking of your biological clock then I do know more than one woman who has self destructed.

Life doesn't stop just because you have children OP. From your first post you said you wanted kids and now your back tracking. I hope in ten years time when your partner suddenly decides he now wants kids you are able to have them. Good luck with whatever you decide because I have a feeling your doing what your partner wants!

Sweetheart, there is nothing you can’t do because you have children. I have four and I honestly don’t think I’ve missed out on anything in life.

I had my first at 29 so had got a lot of my daft partying out of the way, and my last at 41. Yes my career went down a different, self employed route, but ultimately it has been just as successful. Yes we put expensive long haul trips on hold for a few years but we had a hell of a good time touring Europe with our tribe in the meantime. Having kids has enriched our lives tremendously.

I think you are bowing to your DP’s limitations here. That is a valid choice of course, but please acknowledge that ultimately you are putting his wants and needs before your own and down the line that can cause enough bitterness to poison any relationship.

Well isn't it amazing that he can travel the world with you (in spite of this crippling anxiety over going on holiday) and yet he cannot have a child with you.

I echo others OP - men who deceive you for the best years of your fertility are not "wonderful, fabulous" - even my 12 year old DS knows that women only have so many fertile years, so this man "not thinking about having kids" while you ploughed through your 30's is a lie. I have seen too many women left at aged 40 and the man goes on to have his DC with someone else.

And, as Oliversmummy has noted, you are happy as long as you do what he wants. Forget about children at the moment and think about how you want to live your one and only life on earth.

But no one knows if they are physically able to have children. If we all held off because of that the population would be zero.

You’re talking about all these worries as if they’re exclusive to you.

Do you not think we all have worries about how having children may affect our lives? None of us know. It’s all a leap into the unknown. Having children doesn’t stop you doing things.

I think you’re backtracking, and sweeping any feelings you have under the carpet, because it’s easier and because your DH’s feelings and wants and needs come first and yours don’t seem to matter. You’ve convinced yourself based on your DH’s feelings.

Having been in this situation myself it is an absolute deal breaker. DH eventually decided our relationship was more valuable to him, as it was clear to him I couldn't live with the situation as it was and agreed to try for a baby. In the end he was the one who became so over enthusiastic about it all he was like an over excited child all the time. He now is the most doting father and is a totally in love daddy.
Children have made our relationship much better. I'm happy and hes found something he didn't know existed and was scared would upset the status quo.
It's taking the leap of faith. You never know what life has in store and children are a bit like that. they fill you life with laughter (and a fair few tears), there's not a direct replacement for your own so if you want them and you don't take the leap you'll never know.

No one is trying to make another Peggy do anything she wants to do other than her husband.

He is promising the world but whether he can give it to her remains to be seen.

The first experience she has asked for has been well and truly squashed because he doesn't want to do it.

I think anotherpeggy needs to be realistic. What her husband has promised her is a few experiences he wants to do and she can come along for the ride.

Even in the OP she says He does suffer with high anxiety and a negative outlook on life and is quite a nervous person

Does anyone actually think this is a person who is going to tackle life all guns blazing.

Ultimately all that too nervous to do something and the negativity will get very very wearing. Can you imagine being married to a person like that for many many years without the distraction of children.

I think anotherpeggy will realise one day what she has given up. We can only hope it won't be too late.

I would love to know all these things you can't do with children because if I have wanted to do something then children have never stood in the way.

OP you’ve been together so long you’ve had time for all the adventures and travel you wanted to do as a couple.
If you haven’t done any of it yet, ask yourself why, and what is the likelihood of these pipe dreams ever becoming reality.

DH and I did the travelling, hobbies and sports, and while we still would enjoy them, it gets a bit same-y - coral reefs are pretty, rock climbing is nice, Caribbean beaches are great to lazy about.
After we’ve done it for years, it comes a point where you want all this but with a child - to show them these wonderful things and experience them as brand new all over again as you watch their excitement.

Have you not done any travelling together as a couple already?

What have you been doing for the past decade or so that you’ve been together? Living within the limits imposed by his anxiety?

I see I’ve been premempted! If you’ve been together over a decade, why haven’t you already done all these amazing things? Let me hazard a guess - your husband’s mental health got in the way. And I predict it will keep getting in the way. You’ll look back at all the wasted time in ten or twenty years and wonder why you’ve thrown away your one and only life.

At no point have I gave real thought about sleepless nights, PND, my body changing, financial strain, etc.

Is this genuinely the case? You really, truly hadn’t realised or thought about the fact that kids mean less sleep? And your body changing? Only that seems kinda far fetched to me and like it’s your husband’s words not yours. Hope I’m wrong. PND isn’t a guarantee and if it happens is very treatable. It doesn’t have to be a major financial strain if you plan well either, and I’m guessing if you’re both talking about going travelling or on lots of holidays you have a decent income/savings?

If you’re happy saying bye to a family then I’m happy for you! Just make sure you listen to your own needs and emotions over the next few months/year and really make sure you’re okay with this and not just pushing your desires down.

Something else to have a good think about is how you’ll feel if you go forward without children and divorce in your mid forties. There’s no guarantee that if you don’t have kids you’ll be happily together forever. It’s always worth considering how you’ll feel if you split up and don’t have him and it’s too late for children. Or how you’d feel if you broke up and he went on to have kids but it was too late for you.

It sounds like he’s talked you round and you’ve managed to squash your own needs and wants back into the box he’s created for them.

I’m sure you can convince yourself for a while that this is what you want too. But I really hope that this thread has begun to open your eyes to the level of control his anxiety is having over both your lives and your life in particular.

He talks a lot of talk. You’ll travel, you’ll have great careers, you’ll ‘maybe’ have children in a few years. But it’s all ‘jam tomorrow’. You’ve been together years and none of this has come to pass so far. Instead he’s kept you both stuck firmly in his tiny, suffocating comfort zone. And all the while in the meantime your fertility is declining.

I suspect that now you’ve been given some food for thought, your doubts and resentment will begin to bubble up at some point as you start to see him for who he really is. A selfish man with his own interests at heart.

Your marriage is fine as long as you go along with him. If he is a good and decent man, he ought to be willing and able to reflect on how his behaviour impacts you. Yet he doesn’t.

I think the DP is getting a hard time here. People are allowed to be undecided and ambivalent about children and it sounds as if, up until recently, neither of them wanted them, so why would it come up in conversation? If the DP was under the impression it had been talked about and decided that it wasn’t on the agenda, why would he then go ‘hey, your fertile years and nearly over, have you changed your mind about children?’

It does sound like his anxiety needs addressing but, if someone is so terrified of the prospect of having children, why should they be pushed into therapy to ‘get over it’ and do something they don’t even want? It’s a perfectly valid choice not to have them, and it sounds like the OP and her DP have had a chat and decided, on reflection, having kids is actually a horrible idea.

Just because ‘everyone is scared of having kids’ or worried about the life changes and upheaval etc doesn’t mean everyone has to suck it up and do it, or that it’ll turn out nicely for everyone who does. People do regret having children - it’s been said a few times on the boards here. The mantra is usually ‘don’t have kids unless you absolutely 150% want them’ and it doesn’t sound like the OP is that bothered

People are allowed to be undecided and ambivalent about children and it sounds as if, up until recently, neither of them wanted them

I didn’t get that impression dodge, where did you get that from? OP said:

we always said when we were younger yea I'd like to have kids some time in the future

However I agree OP doesn’t seem that fussed about them after all.

After one emotionally manipulative conversation with her husband, Op went from wanting to TTC within the next six months to being happy to focus on career and travel and never have children. I don’t buy that it’s a genuinely mutual decision.

She only has about six years left to have children. He has the rest of his life to change his mind. It’s high stakes. And I worry that OP has her head in the sand.

Sounds like he's got exactly his own way then.

Children don't restrict your life if you don't want them to

Sorry, but I don't agree with that at all!!
I am doing so many things differently because I have kids. Some big (work-related etc), some small (when I get up, what I wear). I know it won't last forever but of course they restrict your life - you are responsible for them and you simply don't have the same choices available to you compared to when you don't have these responsibilities.
Lots of individual things people will argue that you will still be able to do, but usually at a cost of time or money, so you don't have those things PLUS the time or money.
Not saying that the kids aren't worth it!

They restrict your life for a period of time. They don’t restrict the whole of your life forever.

And at the same time they expand your life, and as the poster upthread so perceptively noted, they enable you to experience the world anew through fresh eyes.

DH and I had loads of adventures before having our kids, but now that ours are mostly grown up, it’s the time when they were primary school aged we miss and crave the most.

However we have spent the summer consoling ourselves with road trips round America, festivals and gigs so not all bad.. And the grown up ones have very thoughtfully based themselves in exciting cities for whenever we fancy a nice weekend away.

I found having dc actually focused my mind and made me much more organised and ambitious. Children do change how you live but that just means you might go down a different road. Its not nessecarily a worse road. My body didn't change hardly at all either-maybe my stomach was very slightly softer, that's all. I was out working with baby in a carrier within 3 months.

Also, it all goes so quickly. In a few short years I will be "free" of dc at home and can sod off backpacking if I want to. Travel doesn't have to happen under 40!
You have to follow your heart, not some pre conceived idea of what motherhood is like. It's different for everyone.

It does sound like his anxiety needs addressing but, if someone is so terrified of the prospect of having children, why should they be pushed into therapy to ‘get over it

But this isn't about just children

I am under the impression his anxiety gets wheeled out if there is something he doesn't want to do or for every life changing decision he has to be placated and cajoled in to just taking the next step.

After a while it gets old and I think if op stays with him her life will get smaller and smaller

OP you need to work out if having dc is right for you and only you know this.
But some of the reasons you list for not having dc simply aren't true.
I have not only traveled more since having dc I have lived abroad several times, learned to live in a foreign language, gone back to university twice.
Yes you don't get to lie in on the weekend as much. But I have been much braver in the way I lived my life since dc and got more out of my life as a whole.
I've had twins and my body has aged but I don't think it would look much different without that, bodies age regardless.
If dc aren't right for you don't have them but don't let someone else's anxiety put you of either.

Peggy - when I was younger I was very ambivalent about having children, thought they were a bit eurgh and the whole process was yuk.
But the one thing that helped me work out whether or not I would be disappointed if I never had children was this: I thought about how I'd feel if someone told me I'd never be able to have children, that it just wasn't even an option.

And that was pretty upsetting.

It's one thing to have the choice, and to choose whichever way you want - but if you think about what it would be like to have that choice removed permanently, then it can crystallise your thinking very quickly!

So that's my advice to you - work that out, and it will help you decided where you want to go from here.

But either way I hope your DP gets help with his mental health problems!

Can everyone stop trying to convince the OP to have children and how wonderful it is? That’s for her to make her mind up about. There’s every chance she could regret it if she DID have them and wish there was a way to turn back time. She could have PND or birth injuries and find it drives a wedge between her and her DP. The children could have unforeseen health issues that mean full time care and one of them has to give up their career forever. They could make life into an unending purgatory of drudgery, mess, whinging and lost opportunities. Or it might be great. The point is only OP knows how she really feels and there is no right or wrong decision. Choosing to have kids is not superior to remaining childfree

I don't think having children is always great. It can be very draining, emotionally knackering (hello teens) and bloody expensive. I think what people are trying to say is that having children doesnt automatically shut down your life.
Choosing whether or not to have them should be based on your own feelings NOT on what someone else tells you will or won't happen.