To think we won't ever have children because of how DH feels

[andpeggy1]

So we are both in our early 30s and been together for over a decade, married for 4 years. Whilst neither of us have been super broody or said we NEED kids in our life ( we always said when we were younger yea I'd like to have kids some time in the future) for me that some time in the future is starting to appear, so I approached the question to him about would he like to start trying for a family and if so when should we?

We had a pretty deep conversation about this. Deeper than what we have ever had. I assumed we were on the same page with this but aparently not. I said because of my age I would like to start in the next 6months to a year, only because I need to have my nexoplanan implant out and need to give my body time to settle. He said that was too soon, and felt like we were rushing. and wanted to wait a few more years (I'd be 36 by that point - yes I know that's still an ok age to have them, but still not without risk). We came to a compromise of this time next year we would see where we feel and go from there.

Couple of days later DH anxiety has been through the roof. We talk more and it stems from this whole kids chat. He does suffer with high anxiety and a negative outlook on life and is quite a nervous person. But generally together were great and he even says I'm a positive grounding influence on him.

He revealed that the thought of having kids terrifies him. It's the biggest responsibility, it causes a lot of change. He's so happy with our life as it is now. He hasn't said an outright NO to them but the way he's reacting, I can't put that kind of pressure on him.

He said that in a years time he may feel different about it, but if he's like this in this state in a years time n he said no to kids would I resent him? I said atm no I don't resent you because your going through meltdown, but at the same time I don't know how I'm going to feel in the next year. What ever happens we will still have each other and that's most important. He calmed down a little then.

I've had time to think about this now. I don't feel his view will change in a year. And yes we have a good life now. I always thought though having children would just enhance how lovely our life is. They arnt a need, more of a want.

But I can't get over the feeling that the chance of potentially having them has/is being taken away. I'm trying to look at it from the position of if we physically couldn't have them I think I would be ok with the desision as there is no possibility. I need to just look at what I have in life now and appreciate it don't I, rather than thinking and being upset on what could be.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How are you getting on now? What conclusions did you come up with?

In reality he has been leading you on and now he wants to extend that for another year.

He is selfishly wasting your biological clock whilst sitting very pretty and comfortably with the current situation.
If you don't have children you will deeply resent him and resent yourself even more for not finding someone who wants the same things as you do.

He's the baby in your relationship and he doesn't want that to change.

I've spoke to him and said that when his anxiety has calmed down a bit ( in general not just on this) I think he needs to try looking at ctb therapists again and having another go with it

Why does his anxiety have to settle before he seeks help for it? Genuine question - I find I'm more motivated to get something fixed if I'm in the throws of it.

It doesn't sound like it is a deal breaker for you, so perhaps a more relaxed approach without the urgency is better for you two.

However if you are waiting for him to change his mind it is probably better to be honest with yourself now about it.

I've known 2 men in the past 6 months to break up with their 38years+ partner after stringing them along for years with the child carrot. One of the men is one of my oldest friends. Infuriating.

Throughout our marriage (10 years) both DH and I changed our minds re kids several times.
At 34 I decided it’s time as my career was in a good place. I wasn’t broody btw, and our childless life was great.

DH was a bit reluctant to give up the good life, not sure he is ready, etc.
I pressed and said he can’t rob me of children and that I want to start trying now. He agreed and when I was pregnant two months later he was more excited than me.

He is very happy to be a father now, hinting at me he wants two more.

I advise friends in LTR to put their foot down when in early 30s and in a good place in their relationships and careers.
Most men are too attached to their nice carefree life, but once they become (expectant) fathers, they do get excited.

The question you really have to ask yourself, OP, is "how much do I want children?"

If the answer is "Very much, I'd feel lasting sadness if I didn't try to have them at some point," then no matter how much you love your partner you have to bail out now and find someone who does want to have kids.

If the answer is "Not that bothered" then by all means stay with him.

I personally got out. I now have a kid I love to bits. A friend made the choice to stay with the husband she loved knowing she'd never have kids - sometimes she feels a bit sad, but mostly she's channelling her energies into other stuff - novel, postgrad study. It can work either way. What doesn't work is kidding yourself he'll change.

I'm an old gimmer. I have seen this scenario play out many many times. Either he really doesn't want kids, or he might be persuadable, but not by you (the most tragic cases I've seen among my friends have been where the woman's tried to adjust herself to no kids, then a few years later they've broken up, he's taken up with a younger partner and got her pregnant, leaving the woman high and dry in her forties).

Men have all the blessed time in the world to "think" - hell, Scotty from Star Trek was having kids still into his 80s! I don't know - do they forget we don't have that luxury of endless time? Does your dh think you can just keep ticking the years off whilst you wait for him to decide?

My friend left her long term fiance because he refused to have kids, and she was edging into her 30s - she wants kids very, very much, but he decided he didn't and she wasn't prepared to live a life without even the chance of having them. So, she took the gamble of leaving him to try and find a partner. She's mid30s now and still hasn't found anyone, but still has "time". Another friend didn't care if she had a long term partner or not and got a sperm donor - she had her much yearned for child, and goes it alone, however she has a solid family support network so can work full time etc.

It depends what you want most in your life, and imagining how you'd feel in the future, what course of action can you forsee regreting the least?

I wouldn't wait much longer, if his fear is of change rather than not wanting children he needs to start dealing with it now.

You are starting to feel broody now, in a couple of years those feelings could significantly intensify and you don't want to lose your chance of children only due to his fear of making a decision/change.

Fear is temporary, regret is forever.

I think you will really be sad later if you don’t have kids. At this age your fertility starts going down and by 36 if you have never been pregnant (eg abortion or miscarriage) it can be well nigh impossible. Do you really want to be a caretaker of a man who feels he is too emotionally fragile to be a dad for the rest of your life? That doesn’t sound like an equal partnership. For me the big baby urge didn’t come til I was 37. In my twenties I didn’t want them. But luckily I had a few miscarriages and abortions so I could get pregnant at 39. I had three children. For most women I know the live for their child is much stronger than the love for their partner. You can’t imagine how much you care for them. I think you should tell him you do want children and if he doesn’t it’s time to part. Waiting a year lowers your chances of ever having them. If you kind of want a baby now it’s going to be really tough when you are older. It would be hard not to resent him if you stick with him and his crippling fears.

He revealed that the thought of having kids terrifies him. It's the biggest responsibility, it causes a lot of change." Which makes him SO UNIQUE. Jesus. Course it is.

This. Having kids is a big deal obv and a bit of trepidation but to be so anxious about something most people do isn’t usual, he should maybe see someone for his anxiety.

I think you might resent him yes and by the time that comes it might be too late to have kids with another partner. You can’t pressure him into having kids if he doesn’t want them of course but if it was me I wouldn’t be waiting for him to change his mind.

andpeggy1 only you know if you will really be happy to forgo having children to stay with a man who doesn't feel able to have children.

I think it is a massive shame if his anxieties mean you cannot fulfill whatever you want to in your life. I am pleased he is going to get some more help, CBT etc worked well for me. Good luck.

PS having kids is the hardest and worst and best thing I have ever done. I love my kids and cannot imagine my life without them. But they are not essential for everyone. And I think he is being unfair to you to have been in a relationship with you for 10 years and only now telling you that his anxieties may mean you cannot both be parents.

So he’s been like this since he was 18 and he’s now, what 34? I think you have to accept that this is who he is and he’s very unlikely to change.

He’s not exactly proactive in looking for help or solutions so he doesn’t really see it as a problem.

So either you accept this is who he is and that you will probably never have children and that you can be happy with that.

Or you leave now and look for someone else.

Please don’t spend the next 8 years hoping that thinks might be better next week / month / year / after therapy / once his job is less stressful /whatever. He’s had 16 years of adult life to change and it’s not happened so far.

The best predictor of the future is the past.

Take your implant out anyway and start using different contraception.

I'd go with this advice too. Your body can do its recovery thing whilst he is wasting time dithering.

Such a challenging situation - of course you can't and clearly wouldn't force him to have kids and you respect that choice, but biological differences mean that you have a ticking clock and he has all the time in the world (relatively speaking) so if he doesn't make his mind up until it's too late you end up resenting him forever.

I've seen it happen where the male partner 'isn't ready' this drags on, it causes resentment, the couple eventually split and then the man goes on to have kids with someone else & the woman has missed her opportunity. Or they split but it's too late for her anyway.

It's clearly more complex than that, but if I had been in your situation I would definitely think about whether my future involved him or someone else who did want kids & that works both ways - if a male friend who did want them was with a woman who didn't I would respect their choices but question which was the biggest priority and whether staying with someone who wants to be child free (or more frustratingly won't commit so you keep hoping they will...) would eventually cause too much regret in the long term. 'Maybe in a year' isn't good enough - if he could commit to 'definitely in a year' then if he changes his mind then you decide at that point whether you stay, would that work?

I hope you can resolve it OP, good luck.

Yes consider the impact of parenting w someone with MH issues. It will be all on you at the end of the day if he has a "meltdown". You should be ready to parent alone at times.

You need to leave. He is wasting your time.

He might decide at 50 he want kids. Your time will be long gone by then.

You want children. Dont stay with this man. He doesnt.

Would not want to have kids with someone who had poor mental health he's not aggressively treating (just toying around with a bit of CBT) and a 'negative view of the world'. You're setting yourself up for trouble with this one but it's your life.

I'm 50 and have seen the scenario of women giving up their fertility for a relationship then splitting up only to watch him go and father children with someone younger in a year or so play out over and over. I've lost count.

'I don't want children' usually means 'I don't want children with you'.

I was married to a man like this and we divorced. But he was honest. He didn't pull the 'not yet' or 'wait a year' card. He was mature and told me it wasn't fair for me to waste my fertility for his waffling. We split. He had a vasectomy whilst single about 2 years later. That's the only time I'd ever believe it if a man told me 'I don't want kids'.

He is being selfish, as many men are in this situation.
My own DH many years ago refused to have children (I was 36). I started dating someone else and he changed his mind. Also he loves being a Dad.

OP only you know your DH well enough to tell if it's a delaying tactic or genuine extreme anxiety about the changes having a child will bring to your lives.

If it is anxiety, then would speaking of your own concerns help? I had a similar but not same experience with my 2nd pregnancy. First had been welcomed by DH but neither of us expected twins! DH felt that we had our "perfect set" as we have a DD and DS but I didn't feel I was done yet (I know this is very different as we already had DS and DD) and his reasons for not wanting to proceed with the second pregnancy were ranging between financial constraints, already having 2 very young DC and anxiety that we just wouldn't be able to cope. He felt I was making the decision with my heart more than my head.

So I explained I wasn't being naive, I knew the changes a third DC would bring to our lives, the difficulties of having three under 5 and calmly explained that despite all the very real worries we were both experiencing, we could make it work. When he realised how much thought I had truly put into it and how I wasn't being "naive" in my desire to proceed, his anxiety lessened somewhat as we were on the same page, we knew what difficulties having a third would bring, but it didn't change anything for me.

I'm sharing this because is it possible you can sit him down and explain that you are very aware of the changes a DC will bring, how you feel that you will cope, that he is not alone in being somewhat anxious - but regardless of that you feel strongly that you want to go ahead, that there are no parents (that I've met yet anyway) that weren't in some way anxious or fearful of the unknown of having a child. If you feel you can assuage his fears with logic and citing how he has coped with life changes before (hopefully you have some good examples)?

If you do this and then give him a LITTLE time to consider his replies to what points you raise (a month or two at most would be sufficient) and then revisit the conversation when he has formed that reply, then you can say that you have both calmly and logically discussed it and he has had time to genuinely consider his response therefore neither can say the other hasn't been heard (if that makes sense?).

I'm not saying it will change his mind, but I found pretty early on with my DH (who also has a history of severe anxiety issues) that if I approached a serious conversation as neutrally and logically as possible, giving my reasons and feelings without becoming too emotive and demonstrating that I too, consider the pros and cons of a decision, then allowing him time to formulate his reply without constant pressure (but I do have to set a deadline so to speak otherwise he would keep deferring!) we have been able to reach amicable mutual decisions that sometimes work "in my favour" and sometimes don't - but there is less chance for resentment because we have both had the chance to truly express where we are coming from.

Good luck OP and if it is that he just doesn't want to commit to a decision and you now know in your heart that you can't live with not trying for a baby, then only you can decide if the relationship with him is salvageable. I do think he has been deferring the issue and is trying to continue not facing the conversation head on, this won't help and he needs to be told as such I think.

I hope it works out in some way for you OP.

Additionally, despite the anxiety my DH had for both pregnancies, he became a lot more positive after the first scan, seeing them on a screen just kind of made it click for him in a happy way (even when we were told with my first one "congratulations on your twins!" which had us both mixed between terror and elation).

Sadly despite getting through to DH about the second pregnancy and he did eventually grow to be as excited as I was, nature decided it wasn't meant to be and we lost our second son. Since then DH has said "no more" which of course is a very different conversation and whilst there is a part of me that would love one more chance, I have to focus on the two DC we have and so I have accepted his decision. But again, that situation is very different xx

I am. Sorry you are in this situation.
How much do you want children? If it's something you are sure you want then I think you should consider leaving him. You can wait a year but then he might say no again and then no again the year after and you don't know how long it will take you to conceive. It's true you might not meet someone else you want to have a child with but if it's something you are sure you want and he doesn't you will end up resenting him and your relationship might break down anyway.

You've known him for his entire adult life. He's not going to change. He doesn't want his life to change. He doesn't wants yours to change either. Forget about him for a minute. Think about all these stories about women who wait patiently thorough their thirties, then the man has a wobble around age 40 when he realised he is mortal, and he decides "I must start living for me!", his faithful partner finds herself single while he goes off and starts a family pretty much immediately with someone ten years younger. All those faithful, patient partners thought "he wouldn't do that to me, he's not the type, that's other guys who do that sort of thing". I know you don't believe he'd do that to you, but just for a moment imagine he did. Would you feel "oh well, that's that" or would you be devastated at wasting your chance to have a family? Your desire to have a family will only increase. Its easy to say that you won't think about it for a few months or a year, but if that innate desire hits you aged 30, it's not going to go away on its own. Aged 35 or 40 your own fertility may be fine, but it will be less than it is now. Don't wait for children unless you absolutely have to. They are not guaranteed.
As an aside, your husband doesn't sound motivated to change. I suspect you've made things as easy as possible for him, so he doesn't feel the need to deal with his anxiety. He has you for that.

Only one answer - he needs therapy.

Spot on, Ichi. Far too many women take on men's problems because they're so conditioned to be supportive and put themselves second in the face of his problems. He's an adult, adults own their problems and are proactive about them or accept them and are honest and upfront about it.

You're right I do feel like I walk on egg shells a lot so as not to make him feel worse cause tbh some days I just can't be arsed with it. Like who gets stressed out by a boss asking and insisting on a weekly conference call rather than an email!?!

He knows he doesn't always take care of his mental health, he takes meds everyday but the rest of it that he could do he doesn't always do. N that's what I need to be tougher on him with. He needs to see a ctb therapist n actually be proactive with it rather than just shutting off.

N that's what I need to be tougher on him with.

Why do you need to be? HE is an adult! He's taking meds that don't work, not bothering to be proactive about that or therapy, why would he, he's had you as his emotional crutch for his entire adult life?

You know what's sad? You've been enabling this person for so long you truly have no idea how wonderful it is to live without 'walking on eggshells' or being the couch where someone sits all his problems.

Of course he 'likes how things are now' and doesn't want to change! He's got it made if he can just keep you sweet with 'we'll talk about it in a year'.

Where would he be without you there to visit all this on?

@bengalgal

"by 36 if you have never been pregnant (eg abortion or miscarriage) it can be well nigh impossible."

I have never heard this before. Can you /anyone back this up with evidence? I've tried to do a literature search and not found anything confirming this.

l think you should forget about his needs for a while and concentrate on yourself. Ask your friends or family their honesty opinion of your relationship. Or do a paper exercise imagining what someone who respect would say if they were a fly on the wall to your conversations at home. Maybe go to counselling on your own to talk this through-- not just the parenting question, but other ways that your life is dominated by his anxiety. Maybe there's something in your childhood as to why you've taken on more than your fair share, and allowed his desires to dominate yours. Either way, it should be useful for you to clarify your values and priorities separately from your husband's. Has he really asked how this affects you, or just asked how it'll affect him? (You'll come to resent me, etc.)