To think we won't ever have children because of how DH feels

[andpeggy1]

So we are both in our early 30s and been together for over a decade, married for 4 years. Whilst neither of us have been super broody or said we NEED kids in our life ( we always said when we were younger yea I'd like to have kids some time in the future) for me that some time in the future is starting to appear, so I approached the question to him about would he like to start trying for a family and if so when should we?

We had a pretty deep conversation about this. Deeper than what we have ever had. I assumed we were on the same page with this but aparently not. I said because of my age I would like to start in the next 6months to a year, only because I need to have my nexoplanan implant out and need to give my body time to settle. He said that was too soon, and felt like we were rushing. and wanted to wait a few more years (I'd be 36 by that point - yes I know that's still an ok age to have them, but still not without risk). We came to a compromise of this time next year we would see where we feel and go from there.

Couple of days later DH anxiety has been through the roof. We talk more and it stems from this whole kids chat. He does suffer with high anxiety and a negative outlook on life and is quite a nervous person. But generally together were great and he even says I'm a positive grounding influence on him.

He revealed that the thought of having kids terrifies him. It's the biggest responsibility, it causes a lot of change. He's so happy with our life as it is now. He hasn't said an outright NO to them but the way he's reacting, I can't put that kind of pressure on him.

He said that in a years time he may feel different about it, but if he's like this in this state in a years time n he said no to kids would I resent him? I said atm no I don't resent you because your going through meltdown, but at the same time I don't know how I'm going to feel in the next year. What ever happens we will still have each other and that's most important. He calmed down a little then.

I've had time to think about this now. I don't feel his view will change in a year. And yes we have a good life now. I always thought though having children would just enhance how lovely our life is. They arnt a need, more of a want.

But I can't get over the feeling that the chance of potentially having them has/is being taken away. I'm trying to look at it from the position of if we physically couldn't have them I think I would be ok with the desision as there is no possibility. I need to just look at what I have in life now and appreciate it don't I, rather than thinking and being upset on what could be.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How are you getting on now? What conclusions did you come up with?

My situation was the same but reversed. DH was the one who wanted kids. I was ok with the idea as long as it was in the distant future but when the time arrived I panicked. DH said if I wasn’t going to have kids he’d divorce me and have them with someone else. To me that was a threat to take away my life, my home and my partner if I didn’t have a baby. I’ve never recovered from the feeling that he wasn’t committed to me and wanted a (theoretical) child more than he wanted me.

I wish I could say it all ended well. I love my DC but regret my loss of freedom and suffer from depression. It’s compounded by the fact that I’m the default parent - DH works while I have to juggle childcare and can only work part time till DC grows up. Plus I have permanent birth injuries.

In your situation at least your DH wouldn’t suffer any body changes and presumably wouldn’t have to give up work. Maybe talk to him about how both of your lives would change. I don’t recommend ultimatums though.

Iv been in the same situation! Slightly different as we actually tried for a baby but sadly lost him through Edwards syndrome. After that I wanted to try again, my husband decided he didn’t want children anymore. This was two years ago, he didn’t feel any different after a year. Unfortunately it drove a wedge between us that we could not fix and we have saddle split up.
It’s a horrible thing to go through, but you need to think of yourself in this situation. If you stay with him for a few more years and he doesn’t Change his mind, will you resent him? Or if you split up, would you want to meet someone else to start a family? It’s a huge decision but it will impact your happiness for the rest of your life.

I waited till 36 but because I wasn't sure/did not feel ready before then. First child easy enough to conceive, second led to recurrent miscarriages. I would not advise waiting till later 30s without good reason (eg you haven't met your partner till then!)
He does not need a year to decide. A few months at most.

It’s a massive decision and if he already suffers anxiety, it probably feels even bigger and more frightening. Especially if it requires advance planning - that first step has to be consciously taken and he is probably worried he won’t be good enough. I’ll never forget the look of pure terror on DH’s face when we found out I was pregnant with DC1 (unplanned), and we were late twenties. It’s a huge step. But he adored baby instantly and I couldn’t have asked for a better, more loving dad for him. We went on to have 2 more dc and he’d have kept going if my body hadn’t told me No Way 😂

First step is the hardest. Give him lots of time to mull it.

I agree with PPs, there's no reason to shelf this conversation for a year. It's just delaying a difficult conversation, lessening your fertility and reducing the time available to find someone else if you decide to separate over this.
If his anxiety was impacting any other aspect of his life,presumably he'd seek treatment, counselling, etc. He needs to take that approach to this decision.
It's perfectly fine for you to decide to stay with him or decide to leave him over this. My aunt and uncle separated over him deciding he didn't want DCs after all. She met someone else, married and now has 3 DCs. Only you know how important DCs are to you. Don't be guilted into staying in a relationship that isn't fulfilling one of your needs.

OP,
So you are with him 14 years now.
He has severe MH issues which makes this conversation all about how it makes him feel, how it will changed things for him, how he likes his life now......

It's all about him.
I thing he is and has been stringing you along for years.
Do you prioritise his needs in the house?
Could it be he likes being your priority?

Do not leave this conversation.
Push it.
What is he prepared to do to sort out his MH problems?

If nothing, then what is going to change in a year.

He's all about himself, so you need to have a long hard think about what you want.

Do you really want to be having children with someone with such fragile MH.

Sounds like you would just be adding another person to be looked after by having a child with him.

Think long and hard. Don't presume he has your best interests at heart.

He sounds very self absorbed.

Good luck.

It would be one thing if you decided that your relationship was most important and worth giving up dc for, especially as you say you are a little on the fence yourself.

But if he changes his mind, he'll just ditch you and have them with a younger women. And you won't have dc or the relationship. And seems to me like these guys always decide around age 40-45 that they do now want dc.

Honestly OP if he has had anxiety now I 'd think twice about having children with him any way. You need a partner that can share the burden/joys of parenting, not one that you have to walk around on eggshells with incase it triggers something off. That might sound very controversial but I speak from experience.

I think how I'd react would depend on whether I thought he'd only just faced this, or if I believed he'd always felt like this and never said.
Impossible to tell from your post but I expect you will have an idea what the truth is.
But from your viewpoint, the plan that had been agreed was that you would try to have children at some point.
Given that, I wouldn't wait a full year. If he does decide he doesn't want children, that's a lot of time to lose.
I would make it clear you want him to think about it.
Give him some time, as too much pressure is a bugger for anxiety and irrational thinking. Maybe suggest he discusses it with a therapist.
But I would privately want a firm decision by the New Year.
I would use that time to decide yourself if his changing the goalposts on this is a deal breaker for you.
It's ok if it is. He's the one who had changed what was agreed.

BizzzzyBee I think your story is more an example of why OP shouldn't compromise. You compromised and you regret it. Alternatively you could have split, and gone on to meet other great partners. Him with a DP and dc, and you with a DP and a fantastic child free life.

Honestly, if you want children, you need to press him now. Like others have said, he's using his MH to string you along on this and now have to tell you 'no' outright .... everyone knows babies bring change and worries at varying levels at how those changes will affect your lives.

If he's not actively trying to get better and improve his own mental health and lfe, then he's not going to ever give you the answer you want...and he's going to string you along rather than just tell you that if he can.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I think his attitude is selfish, even allowing for any anxiety problems.

It sounds like the classic thing of not really wanting children and stringing you along till it's too late. I personally could not have given the opportunity to have children up for anyone. If you feel like that then leave him. It will crystallize his thinking if there is any chance of him coming round to the idea of children or if not you then have the opportunity to find someone with the same goals in life as you. Don't give up your chance of children for a man.

N.b. Also remember the men who say the same then turn round and have a baby with a 30 year old when their first partner is 45 and it's too late.

I'm just going to be honest and share my opinion. It might not be the right opinion, or a bit harsh, but here goes:

There is never a "right" time to have a child. You can't plan life and waiting for a magical age or time, well, it'll never come. Honestly, what genuine differences will waiting 12 months make? Is he going to be in a much better financial position? Probably not. You've already been together many, many years so it's not that. You're already married so there's no wedding to pay for. And I'd imagine you've done your fair share of partying together, holidays and everything else.

There is genuinely no reason why waiting 12 months would make one bit of difference to you two having kids. The only difference it does make is your fertility will marginally decrease. That's it.

I don't think waiting 12 months is going to help things. If it was me, I'd give him two months to mull it over. Think about it. Research. Imagine having a baby, toddler, child and teenager. Think about the pros, the cons, and everything in between. And then I'd expect a firm answer, which is either, yes, I want kids and I want to start trying, or no, actually, I don't want kids. None of this "yeah I'd like kids but in a few years" crap. It's already been a "few" years.

From that information you can decide whether it's a deal breaker. It sounds like you really want children and I would hate for you to put it off and then not be able to have one of your own.

It's a really horrible situation but you need to remain true to yourself. The sheer amount of threads I've seen on here where the man hasn't wanted kids, they've broken up and then he's had kids in a heartbeat with another woman is genuinely staggering. Don't let that be you.

Also, have you looked into having your eggs frozen? It sounds a bit OTT perhaps, but it would buy you some time if you ended up wanting to give him another chance and wanted to wait a few years. At least that way you'd have some "insurance". It's just something to think about. Educate yourself on all your options and make the right one for you. Whether that's trying with your DH, going it alone with a donor, freezing your eggs, or simply breaking up and meeting someone new. It's your life- make it count.

Neither dh or myself wanted to have children but when I hit 31 I suddenly wanted them and had to tell dh I’d changed my mind. He was adamant that he hadn’t.
Because I really wanted them, I just kept talking to him about it and telling him how I felt and how I thought they’d enhance our life and after seeing him dote on our niece, wouldn’t he want one of his own.
I managed to persuade him, or beat him verbally into submission, Probably a bit of emotional manipulation was involved too.
The difference is that I really wanted them and dh could see how much it meant to me.
I was also right in thinking that dh would be fully on board and love any kids that came along. It’s not always the case though.
I think a year is too long to wait to talk about it. A pp mentioned that he could talk to his therapist about this, I think that’s a great idea. He could really figure out what he wants and then tell you.
You should be able to make a fully informed decision about the future of your relationship. It’s not fair to keep you hanging and not knowing.

I really feel for you op but it's impossible to advise as so much depends on individual circumstance and character!

I had a friend whose partner kept dithering over DC and when she finally left him, she had fertiliy issues.

I know one couple where the father was very hesitant and anxious about becoming a father and he has risen to the challenge spectacularly well.

However, I know another couple where the father hasn't coped so well and it's caused all sorts of problems in their marriage tbh, not to mention with the dc. He's the sort who stays deliberately late in the office so that he can duck out of supper/bed/bath duty. Resentment is building.

I know another couple where the mother is very anxious and the father is as "maternal" and supportive as they come.

You are right to be concerned though because the older I get, the more I think one's experience of parenting is influenced by how active and kind and competent your other half is! (Not including single parents in this obviously.) And obviously how well your own parents coped.

Not very helpful but I am wondering why we as a society are raising so many men (and some women too) who are so frightened of taking on the responsibility of DC. Is it the pressure of trying to do everything perfectly? Is it global worries about the earth, terrorism, climate change? Is it because we have been taught to focus so much on our own well-being that we don't know how to look after others?

Op can you dig down a bit deeper and find out what specific aspects of parenting he is worried about? What are his parents like? What was his experience of childhood? How does he react when he spends time among friends who have DC?

We have lived through a very similar situation.

We chose each other rather than a baby, and are happier than ever still

I agree with you, he seems to be backing out of it.
My GP told me generally speaking fertility declines hugely after 35 (there will always be outliers though) so if I wanted another it’s better sooner rather than later.

I meant to add below that I didn't want children per se, but I very definitely wanted dh's children. Not all women feel the same way about this but it does influence things.

Take your implant out anyway and start using different contraception.

He's so happy with our life as it is now. He hasn't said an outright NO to them but the way he's reacting, I can't put that kind of pressure on him

So it is all down to what he wants.

I would run for the hills now.

He has had 10 years to think about this but he wants another year.

What is going to be different in 12 months time.

The only way his life will stay the same is at the expense of your feelings.

The reasons he gives for putting the decision off for a year are not things that won't still be there in a year.

What will change?

It's a fundamental problem in a marriage and I don't think it's easily resolved.

In most cases it ends up with the relationship ending because there is no "in between" scenario that works - either you have kids, or you don't.
And if you want them and don't, then you get resentful - and if he doesn't want them and you do have them then it's a very risky situation.

Someone I used to know never wanted children but his wife still ended up pregnant (I don't know how, he was only a work colleague so I don't know if he "gave in" or it was accidental or what) - and he left her while pregnant for a women with 3 older children. Seemed it was only babies he didn't like.

Either you have to accept that he isn't going to agree and give up your dream of being a parent wholeheartedly, or move on and find someone who does want children - there really isn't a middle ground.

I'm going to be brutally honest here OP and tell you that having children is tough. It's joyful, life changing, and a wonderful experience - but it's also tiring, relentless and your life changes totally and utterly.

I would have serious doubts about doing this with someone who has MH issues. He's already making your marriage all about him - imagine that with no sleep, a tired baby and he's asking for attention about his feelings................. it's bloody tough when your partner is fully on board, let alone when they aren't.

FWIW I had such a strong urge to be a Mum that I had my first at 21, last at 27. 3 strong beautiful healthy babies and 1 sadly who was stillborn. My DH is a lovely man, but not a natural father and the early years were tough. He was jealous, resentful of the time and attention they had, and we split once for nearly a year. As a father to adult children, he's outstanding though and is generous, thoughtful and patient. But sadly that's taken a long time to arrive.

Choose well who you share this journey with is what I'm saying

The example of woman being strung along by reluctant partner until it's too late, at which point they split and he happily has a couple of kids with new, younger partner is not uncommon.

Dh's friend did this to an older partner when friend was in his mid 30s and she was a few years older. They split because he finally decided he didn't ever want children but lo! 2 babies with new partner in her 20s.

He was a shit dad though and they also split, in part due to his complete unwillingness to put anyone ahead of his own wants so she did all the baby stuff alone.

If he doesn't want children then he definitely shouldn't have them, but that doesn't mean you have to accept being childless. You do need to decide soon though - no point staying any longer if the relationship is inevitably doomed.