To think we won't ever have children because of how DH feels

[andpeggy1]

So we are both in our early 30s and been together for over a decade, married for 4 years. Whilst neither of us have been super broody or said we NEED kids in our life ( we always said when we were younger yea I'd like to have kids some time in the future) for me that some time in the future is starting to appear, so I approached the question to him about would he like to start trying for a family and if so when should we?

We had a pretty deep conversation about this. Deeper than what we have ever had. I assumed we were on the same page with this but aparently not. I said because of my age I would like to start in the next 6months to a year, only because I need to have my nexoplanan implant out and need to give my body time to settle. He said that was too soon, and felt like we were rushing. and wanted to wait a few more years (I'd be 36 by that point - yes I know that's still an ok age to have them, but still not without risk). We came to a compromise of this time next year we would see where we feel and go from there.

Couple of days later DH anxiety has been through the roof. We talk more and it stems from this whole kids chat. He does suffer with high anxiety and a negative outlook on life and is quite a nervous person. But generally together were great and he even says I'm a positive grounding influence on him.

He revealed that the thought of having kids terrifies him. It's the biggest responsibility, it causes a lot of change. He's so happy with our life as it is now. He hasn't said an outright NO to them but the way he's reacting, I can't put that kind of pressure on him.

He said that in a years time he may feel different about it, but if he's like this in this state in a years time n he said no to kids would I resent him? I said atm no I don't resent you because your going through meltdown, but at the same time I don't know how I'm going to feel in the next year. What ever happens we will still have each other and that's most important. He calmed down a little then.

I've had time to think about this now. I don't feel his view will change in a year. And yes we have a good life now. I always thought though having children would just enhance how lovely our life is. They arnt a need, more of a want.

But I can't get over the feeling that the chance of potentially having them has/is being taken away. I'm trying to look at it from the position of if we physically couldn't have them I think I would be ok with the desision as there is no possibility. I need to just look at what I have in life now and appreciate it don't I, rather than thinking and being upset on what could be.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How are you getting on now? What conclusions did you come up with?

Sorry, he sounds selfish to me, not because he doesn’t necessarily want kids but because he keeps stalling and wanting you to wait.

Btw, the person who says it’s nigh on impossible to have kids after 35 is talking shit so don’t panic, of course fertility gradually declines but a lot of this fertility figures are outdated anyway.
It’s worth looking at freezing your eggs too, the quality is good if your eggs are good.

If you want more than one child, I wouldn't start at 36. Think of age gap, length of pregnancy, time to get pregnant.

Just be wary of spending your life on eggshells, it's no way to live. He needs to seek help now, he should have before rather than made you wait and put off the reality of his choice.

His words do suggest he doesn't want kids. I'd suggest you see someone too as it sounds like your life, needs and wants defer a lot to his. You need to have a space to decide what's a dealbreaker for you and what you compromise on.

I have anxiety, i sought help and still seek help now when it gets bad. It's not something that disappears but something that is continually there, albeit muted in good times.

The walking on eggshells alone would make me walk. It's no way to live and this type of person doesn't get better.

Never been pregnant before and I got pregnant with DD on first attempt at 38 and first attempt with ds at 40 whilst breastfeeding.

Two of my friends were infertile by 38, it can go either way.

Never been pregnant before and I got pregnant with DD on first attempt at 38 and first attempt with ds at 40 whilst breastfeeding.

Exception rather than the norm

Exception rather than the norm

Agreed, but hardly 'well nigh impossible' as PP claimed. I'm another outlier, got pregnant easily first time at 37 and again at 40. My mother was the same and I know at least 2 others who conceived first child in late 30s. That said, if you definitely want kids, I agree that trying by 35 is preferable/ 'safer'.

I’ve been in this situation twice. Childhood sweetheart wanted kids “one day”, and a decade later announced he didn’t and I called off the engagement. The next person I met already had 2 children but said he was open to more (we had that convo early on, instigated by him). A year later he told me he didn’t want any more children and actually denied saying otherwise! I didn’t stick around.

At the grand age of 35 I had a beautiful little girl with my husband and we are open to trying again before I’m 40 (my personal cut off date, nothing against women who have babies beyond 40).

Urgh what a shit situation.

If you’re sure you want kids, leave. You don’t want kids with a reluctant terrified father. He doesn’t sound great father material anyway and his willingness to string you along for more years in your thirties as your fertility declines suggests he may never ‘be ready’ while you’re still fertile. And what a shit to only just tell you this now.

You want kids with an enthusiastic partner who really wants them!

I was in your shoes at 28, had been with ex three years, discussed kids at the start and both agreed we wanted them by thirty. The time rolled around and he decided he didn’t know if or when he wanted them, but knew he certainly didn’t within the next several years. We split as I was ready for a family and had reason to believe I’d face fertility issues.

Met my OH three weeks later: 24, but very mature. Told him on the second date I was ready for a family and planned to have my first within the next 2/3 years and if that fit with his plans great, if not no worries but we’re not a match. It did. Dated for a year, moved in, saved for a house, bought after 2.5 years, started TTC and currently pregnant and getting married in a fortnight at three years together. I’m 31 and he’s 27. I wouldn’t ever have wanted to risk leaving TTC much longer.

Can’t tell you what a joy it is to be with a man who actively wants kids, makes faces at toddlers while we’re out, is the first to hold a crying baby and shush them with friends, who tried very hard to get me pregnant and is beyond delighted I’m growing his son. Honestly, don’t waste more time if kids are non negotiable. Move on and start dating for a partner and co parent. Things can move pretty quickly in your thirties when you know what you want.

O it sounds to me like you already have a child. And maybe one who doe as they want to share you with any others.

He sounds very selfish. It's ok for him able to go on potentially fathering kids into his later years but you could find yourself unable to conceive when he decides he's 'ready.'

That being said, if kids aren't that big a deal for you, you don't think you'll end up resentful and you love him regardless of this then think carefully before making any rash decisions.

I was in a similar situation. I moved out. I rented a place for 6 months and I made it clear that I couldn't be with someone who kept coming up with excuses not to have children. My husband was utterly shocked. He then actually began to discuss it with me in a rational manner, listening to me instead of fobbing me off. We got back together and started trying for a baby. Our daughter is now 21.

I'm aware that it might not have turned out like this, but I was willing to end the relationship if he didn't make a decision. It would have been an absolute deal breaker.

Travelling is not a consolation prize for not having dc. Doesn't compare.

IME even women who are very anti children and childfree by choice are quite defensive about missing out. If you are starting to get broody now I think you need to seriously consider leaving him. In sicknesses and in health and all that, perhaps you are really that loving and selfless. You'd better make sure you can live your life without hankering for what might have been.

Also I find having children hard but couldn't be without them. Sad to go through life without that.

Thanks every one for your responses.

A
We had a long serious chat about things and he said he's never really thought about it in serious thought on whether to have kids. But he also admitted himself without me saying anything that he doesn't take care of his MH n that atm is really clouding his judgement on the situation. We're going to spend the next 6 months sorting ourselves out (ctb therapy etc) and then see what the outcome is.

I honestly don't know if this is a dealbreaker. It doesn't feel like a dealbreaker atm but will it be in a year? I don't know just like I don't know how he will feel.

I think my feelings have been amplified because several people I'm very close to have just had babies, or are pregnant.

I've always been a bit eurgh at the thought of babies, but now my heads being turned?

God him and me are a bit of a mess. But we do really love each other 🙈

It sounds like you are financially stable and basically ready to be parents, except for his doubts. The thing he isn’t considering is that pregnancy does get harder when you get older. That needs to be part of the conversation.

The thing about fertility OP is you just don't know. There are tests you can have done to check your ovarian reserve, however that is not necessarily going to tell you how it will all go when you start trying for a baby.

There are different factors, his contribution, your egg and the womb environment, as you know. I am not sure it is possible to test all these factors to know the outcome.

As you age, your egg age is a big factor, you know that, and him saying he wants to wait for such a long time is a very bad sign to me.

That little video 9Adam Ruins Everything - You Can Still Have Babies After 35 | truTV) is very interesting but of course not all statistics are compiled from data from France in the middle ages!

This data is from the fertility industry, where they are trying their best to optimize the chances of pregnancy so not necessarily accurate for you either (unless you go down the fertility route) but maybe helpful.

extendfertility.com/your-fertility/fertility-and-age

"And national statistics for women undergoing in vitro fertilization using their own eggs of the same age demonstrate that the drop in IVF success is also dramatic: for women under 35, the percentage of successful IVF cycles was 41.5%; for women 35–37, it was 31.9%; for women 38–40, 22.1%; 12.4% for women 41–42; 5% for women 43–44; and just 1% for women over 44. That means that, after age 35, IVF birth rates declined about 10% every 2 years—reflecting a similar relationship between fertility and age as we see in natural fertility."

As someone whose second child was born when I was 45 (he is adopted), I can also say that having a 45 year gap between you and your child is quite hard work! My energy levels are not what they were even 10 years ago.

I'd never encourage someone not to go for it because if you want kids, you want them! You can only start from where you are at.

but assuming you do have kids, it may be that you will end up doing more of the work with the child/children so that is another reason not to leave it really late to have a baby or at least start trying.

Good luck

When I was growing up my mum had horrendous anxiety (still does) but as child it was really difficult to deal with. I didn’t understand what it was at age 8 and she only really got help for it when I was 17. By that point the damage was done.

My two siblings also suffer as a result although that is down to how her anxiety manifested itself.

So that’s another thing to keep in mind OP should you have children with him.

The worry is you’ll discover it IS a dealbreaker once it’s too late for you in fertility terms.

I was always eugh at having babies until I was 30 odd and then I started to notice women with bumps more and you come round to the idea! I had dc at 32 and 36.

I am a bit surprised to hear him say he'd literally never thought of it in relation to himself. It's not an unusual thing to reflect on. And he should know about fertility more than he does, unless he lives under a rock.

For you - I don't think the feeling of vague interest goes away, if it's there you've opened the box and it will get stronger. Sorry I think 6m is too long.

He admired that he's reacted like this to any big change in his life ( going to uni, moving from his parents to live here with me, us getting married ( he asked!) buying a house etc.) So I guess I'm holding out some hope that hopefully when he's in a better head set and rational thinking he will beable to give a proper answer

So he knows he is like this and if he was like this at 18 then surely he has been doing something to put things right for over a decade and he still hasnt got his head round it.

The question is when will he be in a better head set.

It could take him another decade for him to get his mind round having children and for all his words on how upset he would be for you to not have the children you want, all he is offering is placating remarks

I know you love him now but think to the future about how limited your life will be.

Want to go on holiday,

you can't as your dh has anxiety and doesn't like change.

Want to eat out.

You can't your dh has anxiety

Want to go to work

You can't your dh needs you close he has anxiety.

It will only get worse as he gets older.
I don't know if you are in a position to take on board and see that your dhs anxiety has been controlling your every move.

Every simple decision sounds like you have to cajole and push and Jump through hoops and reassure and get him to seek therapy before he will agree to anything

It sounds like he has a problem, he has had it for a long time and you and probably his parents before you have trodden on egg shells and spent time getting him to certain points in his life and he allows you to persuade him.

Even when he goes to therapy he lays the blame on the fact he didn't change at the door of the therapist and you agree with him.

I put it that the reason he didn't like the therapist is because they saw through him, asked difficult questions and gave him work that would have helped him over come the anxiety and he doesn't want to over come it as then he would lose the control.

OP, I think that another poster's reference to Pandora's Box is true. Now that you've opened it and started thinking about babies, it wont go away and you may find the urge to have them grows.

You are going to have to do some hard thinking, and don't get caught up in "if I wait a bit longer....".

You dont have to say anything to your DH but keep a timeline in your head, a deadline for you to make decisions.

If i could rewind my clock, I'd have left my ex before having DCs. Ex has some MH issues, and these have contributed to MH issues in our DCs. The DCs are getting better, but it would have far better not to have raised them with ex in the first place.

Habe him Get treatment for the mh issues.
Be prepared for the fact that the anxiety may worsen having dc.
He will need a therapist on call...
Be ready to have the dc on your own or have most of the responsibility for them on your own.
He wont grow out of his anxiety tho can get help for it and needs to be self aware and know when to seek help.
Exp had mh issues anxiety tho not adequately diagnosed....and they only got worse with dc. I was naive about the impact on dc. He also was manipulative....I can see now some of the control issues were manifestation of anxiety...he could not control dc eg crying so turned to control things he could (how dare you buy the wrong washing up liquid etc) which meant walking on eggshells...