To think we won't ever have children because of how DH feels

[andpeggy1]

So we are both in our early 30s and been together for over a decade, married for 4 years. Whilst neither of us have been super broody or said we NEED kids in our life ( we always said when we were younger yea I'd like to have kids some time in the future) for me that some time in the future is starting to appear, so I approached the question to him about would he like to start trying for a family and if so when should we?

We had a pretty deep conversation about this. Deeper than what we have ever had. I assumed we were on the same page with this but aparently not. I said because of my age I would like to start in the next 6months to a year, only because I need to have my nexoplanan implant out and need to give my body time to settle. He said that was too soon, and felt like we were rushing. and wanted to wait a few more years (I'd be 36 by that point - yes I know that's still an ok age to have them, but still not without risk). We came to a compromise of this time next year we would see where we feel and go from there.

Couple of days later DH anxiety has been through the roof. We talk more and it stems from this whole kids chat. He does suffer with high anxiety and a negative outlook on life and is quite a nervous person. But generally together were great and he even says I'm a positive grounding influence on him.

He revealed that the thought of having kids terrifies him. It's the biggest responsibility, it causes a lot of change. He's so happy with our life as it is now. He hasn't said an outright NO to them but the way he's reacting, I can't put that kind of pressure on him.

He said that in a years time he may feel different about it, but if he's like this in this state in a years time n he said no to kids would I resent him? I said atm no I don't resent you because your going through meltdown, but at the same time I don't know how I'm going to feel in the next year. What ever happens we will still have each other and that's most important. He calmed down a little then.

I've had time to think about this now. I don't feel his view will change in a year. And yes we have a good life now. I always thought though having children would just enhance how lovely our life is. They arnt a need, more of a want.

But I can't get over the feeling that the chance of potentially having them has/is being taken away. I'm trying to look at it from the position of if we physically couldn't have them I think I would be ok with the desision as there is no possibility. I need to just look at what I have in life now and appreciate it don't I, rather than thinking and being upset on what could be.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How are you getting on now? What conclusions did you come up with?

Never been pregnant before and I got pregnant with DD on first attempt at 38 and first attempt with ds at 40 whilst breastfeeding.

Exception rather than the norm

It is the exception to get pregnant first try, but not to get pregnant at all at those ages. The figures show that most women of those ages will conceive within a year. The difference is that at that age there is a larger minority than at younger ages who won’t get pregnant, and the miscarriage rate is higher. The stats are on the side of older women generally, but you never know if you will be in the majority or the minority.

OP, I will echo previous poster who suggesged therapy for you. It could help you decide what you really want, and how to ha for this situation. Reading between the lines I wonder if you are generally subjugating your needs and wants to those of your DH. Do you want your whole life to be dictated by his MH issues? It might be helpful to read about ‘co-dependency’ and see if any of it rings a bell.

@Oliversmummy
Great post👍

OP, you may love him, but does loving him mean his MH and needs determine your life.

'Cos it's certainly sounding a bit like that.

Ugh he is a complete baby. Come off your contraception and give him an ultimatum. EVERYONE is scared of having kids. DH was highly annoying about this. We had many rows because he kept trying to put it off. I really did put my foot down and everything’s absolutely fine now but its pathetic and you need to tell him how it is.

I remember DH being a bit feeble about this too. We came to an agreement that we'd try for one month (his birthday month) and if nothing happened, we'd stop trying and book a nice a holiday and try again for a month the following year (no rush coz I was only 26). I got up-duffed with the first go! DH was over the moon after he'd recovered from looking at the line in the test!

I put it that the reason he didn't like the therapist is because they saw through him, asked difficult questions and gave him work that would have helped him over come the anxiety and he doesn't want to over come it as then he would lose the control.

This is a very insightful and important point. He is unlikely to change because at the moment his anxiety and MH issues get him everything he wants. Your undivided attention and you walking on eggshells around him. Him at the centre of your universe.

This is why it would be a further waste of your fertile years if you stayed with him.

You've had some really good advice on this thread OP.

I hope you can see more clearly

It's given me a lot to think about. Whilst also making me feel really awkward. Some advise I agree with and found really helpful some I've found quite hard and now just feel really negative. I don't want my marriage to be over just like that. I don't get how some people think you can do that over something that physically might not be-able to happen.

I've always been a bit eurgh at the thought of babies, but now my heads being turned?

Please bear this in mind when you read all these replies claiming your husband is selfish and has been stringing you along. You were on the same page until a few months ago when you changed your mind; your husband is not wrong for not immediately following suit.

I had to choose having children or staying with someone who didn't want children. I now have three children with a great man and I know I made the right choice. Sometimes your needs are bigger than a relationship OP unfortunately.

If you’re okay with never trying and therefore not knowing whether it would have been possible then that’s okay and you can obviously stay in your marriage and hopefully be happy.

My urge for kids was so strong I knew that I’d rather leave and have a 1% chance of being a mum than stay and accept 0%. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing I hadn’t tried. I felt like it was better to try and fail than not try cos at least I’d know it wasn’t meant to be. Rather than staying and be default actively choosing never to have kids.

It really depends how badly you want children. If it’s more just that ‘your head has been turned’ but you’d equally be okay not having them I think you have your answer.

I also couldn’t have gotten over the resentment of being with a guy who in my eyes was holding me back from having a baby. It’d have eaten away at me and I’d have felt so annoyed and upset and sick every time someone else got pregnant or I held a baby or saw a pregnant woman. Do you think you’d resent him if you decided to stay and accepted no kids?

andpeggy1 I can see why you think some of the advice is negative. Culturally, we have this romantic ideal about what we would endure for the love and wellbeing of our partner. In reality, lots of people have seen this idealism being weaponised against women who are led through life by the decisions of their partner only to be dumped.

Giving up on the possibility of children is a high stakes game not to be entered without at least being clinical about your other options.

There are a few issues at play here.

The first is that you want children and he doesn’t.

The second is that he led you to believe he would want children and is now backtracking/kicking the can down the road. That indicates that he deceived you in order to manipulate you.

Which brings me to the third thing, which is that the more you post, the more it becomes apparent that his MH issues dominate the relationship. Everything is all about him. It seems from what you say, that he uses his anxiety as a mechanism for control. Maybe that’s a symptom of his MH. Maybe he is controlling and the MH is a smokescreen. Whatever the cause, the result is that he’s reluctant to seek proper help and treatment for his anxiety because it would mean relinquishing that control.

No one is suggesting you leave your marriage after one forum thread. But I do think you need to confront some of those uncomfortable truths and explore them.

You are his wife. You want to have his children. You don’t have much time to make that happen. If he loves you he should care how you feel. I don’t get from any of your posts that he’s really considered you at all. Only in regards as it relates back to him and how he feels and what he wants.

I think is sad whenever a woman wants a child and can’t have one for any reason. But particularly when she’s been denied it by a selfish man who let her believe it was a possibility and then snatches that possibility away when it’s too late.

If you want kids, you need to leave. He could delay every year until its too late for you.

If you force him to do it. He will resent it

This is the unavoidable biological unfairness women face. Your DH's sneaky silence was totally avoidable, though. He has effectively squatted on your most fertile years, harbouring a secret agenda very different to your own. Had he been honest with you, you might now be long gone and the mother of children with a man who wanted what you want.

I wouldn't leave it undiscussed another year as all that will achieve is you losing twelve or thirteen more chances to conceive. Resentment is almost inevitable. It can easily take a year for two healthy, fertile people to conceive anyway: the odds are the same as rolling a die. You might roll a six first throw or you might need a dozen rolls; it doesn't mean the die is loaded. If either partner's fertility is sub-optimal (you wouldn't know unless investigated) it can be more like monopoly odds with two dice: remember trying to roll double sixes to get out of jail?

I'd challenge him first to seek help for his anxiety; formal diagnosis and treatment that he follows through. Give him a time frame - six months would be ideal - to pursue treatment/therapy and show real commitment to getting better. If he refuses or drags his heels or starts and lapses, you have your diagnosis: he wants to remain a child and have you mother him with no competition from a real baby!

He doesn't have to be a father of course, and you don't have to be a mother, but he does owe you honesty and you don't have to live with his decision. Other potential fathers - and routes to motherhood - are available if that is what you want!

Good luck.

If there's one thing my life has taught me it's that you need to work on being satisfied and happy in your life without children first.

It doesn't happen for everyone unfortunately, there is absolutely no guarantees in terms of having children. I had a lot of miscarriages. I'd always thought it would all be fine and I'd have children no problem so when it didn't happen it completely ruined my life.

I couldn't be happy with anything, I wasn't happy with 'just' DH or 'just' my career or 'just' our life because I'd been so convinced that one day it would include children and when the prospect of that not happening reared its head, I'd never been so shaken by anything.

I wish I'd realised before hand that life can be good, fantastic in fact, without children, I wish I'd realised before that it isn't the be all and end all and that you can have a happy marriage and fulfilled life without.

If it's something you really want and it causes problems in your marriage then that's for you to decide what to do, whether that's finding someone else who wants DC etc... All I'm saying is do not fall into the trap of thinking that your life will 100% involve DC whether you're with someone who wants them or not. I could have thrown my amazing and happy marriage away if my H had said he didn't want children and it might not have happened for me anyway. I know I'd have regretted that whole heartedly.

II could have thrown my amazing and happy marriage away if my H had said he didn't want children and it might not have happened for me anyway*

This is the thing though. I think that children or no children, OP’s marriage isn’t as happy as she thinks it is. Rather its success is predicated on her husband calling all the shots and getting his own way.

As a PP said; he certainly has a right to say no to children. But you don’t have to live with his decision.

Everyone focusing on the woman's fertility: in approx one-third of infertility cases the issue is with the male.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Get started sooner rather than later if you're going to ttc!

But you don’t have to live with his decision

No of course not, I just think far too many people fall into the trap of thinking it will happen when in reality sometimes it doesn't no matter who you are with.

If OPs marriage has fundamental issues then that's obviously a problem and something they need to discuss and work on, even if that means separation is the best thing.

I just think people need to be more wary of the fact that it isn't always a given that you'll have children so just be conscious of that when making decisions that will affect your life massively.

It does sound like he has been living with these MH issues for years.

Suddenly being interested in trying to overcome them when you mention something you want is just manipulating you into spending more time in the marriage and I think in 6 months time if you let him he will string you along for another and then another and another 6 months until it is too late for you.

It reads as if your wants and needs are unimportant and your life revolves around his. What about you?

I’m very surprised that your DH never thought about children. IMO it’s first thing which comes to mind when you are thinking about spending life with someone.
He’s got this luxury to wait another 5, 10 , 15 years. You don’t. It’s a plain truth. Yes, you can have a child at 36, 40 and even later but only few of us are the lucky ones.
Although you can’t guarantee that everything will be perfect after having a child. Children do bring problems, anxiety, stress. They might have additional needs. A mum can have health issues after pregnancy. You can’t plan for everything and predict every little thing in life. But surely your DH should understand this?

@SeeTe this is how I feel. I really love our relationship and they way our lives are now.

I don't know if I'm even physically able to have children. And I don't want to leave a brilliant marriage for the possibility of kids that may not even be possible.

I have thought about this and me and DH had a long chat about it. And we have so many things we want to do, so many places we want to go etc, that aren't possible with children realistically. I've only ever thought of the positive but superficial things about kids. And that's somthing I can get from my close friends children. All the fun and no responsibility. At no point have I gave real thought about sleepless nights, PND, my body changing, financial strain, etc.

, He's not a manipulator and he's admitted fully he should have gave this serious thought a long time ago. We should have had this conversation in fulll years ago. But it didn't occur to either of us then.

I think I'll always have moments when I think awww it would be lovely to have our own kids. But then I have all this other stuff I want to do and achieve that I want to have too. I can't have both, and kids arnt a 100% life or death need for me.

Well, look at that, the best solution turns out to be his solution. Colour me surprised.

andpeggy1

Children don't restrict your life if you don't want them to so all those things you want to do can still be done.

Isn't the restriction your dh and his MH and the fact he actually doesn't like his life changing or doing anything that he doesn't want to do.

I am getting the impression you are now back in your box with the promise of good times to come .

What happens when you are through your list of things you want to do.
Are you still going to be content with this limited restricted life your husband imposes on you.
Either he will leave and start again with someone else or what I suspect will happen is you will look at him one day when the time for children has passed for you and you will hate him and you will mourn for the life you could have had and it will never get any better.

I know too many women who have done what you are planning to do and it never ends well

I do sincerely wish you well in the future and you don't come to realise when it is too late that a few holiday experiences that your husband wants to do (I doubt be will do anything you alone wants to do) was worth it

Holding your baby in your arms is a feeling no other experience can compare to and it is a feeling that you experience everyday