To think we won't ever have children because of how DH feels

[andpeggy1]

So we are both in our early 30s and been together for over a decade, married for 4 years. Whilst neither of us have been super broody or said we NEED kids in our life ( we always said when we were younger yea I'd like to have kids some time in the future) for me that some time in the future is starting to appear, so I approached the question to him about would he like to start trying for a family and if so when should we?

We had a pretty deep conversation about this. Deeper than what we have ever had. I assumed we were on the same page with this but aparently not. I said because of my age I would like to start in the next 6months to a year, only because I need to have my nexoplanan implant out and need to give my body time to settle. He said that was too soon, and felt like we were rushing. and wanted to wait a few more years (I'd be 36 by that point - yes I know that's still an ok age to have them, but still not without risk). We came to a compromise of this time next year we would see where we feel and go from there.

Couple of days later DH anxiety has been through the roof. We talk more and it stems from this whole kids chat. He does suffer with high anxiety and a negative outlook on life and is quite a nervous person. But generally together were great and he even says I'm a positive grounding influence on him.

He revealed that the thought of having kids terrifies him. It's the biggest responsibility, it causes a lot of change. He's so happy with our life as it is now. He hasn't said an outright NO to them but the way he's reacting, I can't put that kind of pressure on him.

He said that in a years time he may feel different about it, but if he's like this in this state in a years time n he said no to kids would I resent him? I said atm no I don't resent you because your going through meltdown, but at the same time I don't know how I'm going to feel in the next year. What ever happens we will still have each other and that's most important. He calmed down a little then.

I've had time to think about this now. I don't feel his view will change in a year. And yes we have a good life now. I always thought though having children would just enhance how lovely our life is. They arnt a need, more of a want.

But I can't get over the feeling that the chance of potentially having them has/is being taken away. I'm trying to look at it from the position of if we physically couldn't have them I think I would be ok with the desision as there is no possibility. I need to just look at what I have in life now and appreciate it don't I, rather than thinking and being upset on what could be.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How are you getting on now? What conclusions did you come up with?

Get the implant out NOW so many women have found that their fertility takes months and months to reappear.

He can take responsibility for contraception. You need to put yourself first - he is t putting you first and every delay and disruption reduces your chances.

One of my friends had a partner who said he couldn’t cope with the idea of children. They split when he started having an affair and she was left 42 watching him have a child within a year.
She got one too eventually but only because her mega rich dad funded endless ivf rounds and they were pretty awful too.
She says now think whether you want a child and then think what would happen if you split too late and he went on and had one. Still happy with your choice then and then pick partner above kids if not then think very carefully

I think personally you need to make a decision. If kids are important then it won't be happening with him. Make your peace with it or not. Waiting a year won't make any difference as this is likely to happen again.

I also think he has been a shit for not being explicit earlier

Hey OP, I feel for you.

I've recently separated from a partner of 8 years (I'm 26) and his attitude to having kids was one of the reasons. We both had a sort of "kids sound terrifying, don't want them now but probably want them some day" kind of attitude, and it's an easy thing to say because it allows you to go either way. My attitude changed when I got diagnosed with endometriosis a few years back. I wasn't devastated at knowing my fertility may be affected but it definitely made me rethink things. Suddenly having kids at 35 sounded more risky. So when I brought the prospect of kids up to my partner again with a much more firm "yes one day I will want kids" attitude it made him very stressed. He's a lovely man but he was so terrified of being a bad dad and having that much responsibility. The irony is I think he would be an amazing dad and he just didn't see it.

In the end we decided to end the relationship as there were a couple of different things we wanted in life and even though we were happy now we thought we'd end up resenting eachother in future for it.

It's a really hard situation. I think it might be worth giving him a bit of time to process everything and calm down and revisit. If you think you might end up resenting him for this then you're going to have to consider what your next steps may be.

Also, have you looked into having your eggs frozen? It sounds a bit OTT perhaps, but it would buy you some time if you ended up wanting to give him another chance and wanted to wait a few years. At least that way you'd have some "insurance". It's just something to think about.

I was offered this by my employer at 27. Success rates were awful. I did a lot of research and found forums full of people saying it wasn't worth the cost, and although chances of success were so low, they felt emotional pressure to keep paying for storage because they'd be throwing away their eggs otherwise. It might be different now but I'd have a good look into whether this is worth it, especially now you're older, it might give you a false sense of security.

I suspect you now need to choose whether you want kids, and if you could be happy without them. If you want them, it doesn't feel like it'll be with him. If you don't, it might be time to put that idea to bed. It's really tough - it's not going to be an easy call for either of you. It's such a difficult topic to navigate, because compromising on either part seems to go so badly eventually. All the best

But will you always have each other? I think he needs to know that while he is pondering this you are considering your options which might mean a future without him. Also he can’t just do it to please you, he has to fully commit to every aspect of being a father.

My brothers previous partner left because he didn’t want kids (he had always been adamant but she changed her mind). It was life changing for both of them but they are now both happy with partners who want the same in life and she has her family.

erm....I've kind of been in this situation where I was in my mid thirties dreaming about my baby etc etc and my ex husband point blank refused. It took me by surprise big time and really affected our relationship. I stuck it out for many years afterwards believing that it had to be a joint decision and if he didn't want one I couldn't force it on him, only to find he was being unfaithful the whole time and I eventually caught him in the act and left him at 41 years old.

I am now very happy again but too old to have a child and I resent him so much.

My hubby after four years of marriage said he didn’t want children. I was gutted. We spoke a lot and it came down to a deep worry and just plain scared. and something totally out of comfort zone. I didn’t force issue we just chatted . We now have 5 children and maybe 6 as I woke up with that pregnant feeling this morning. 😱😱😂😂 don’t pressure just chat through worries. Good luck

I am like your DH. Children seemed a hypothetical idea that came in the future. But then the future cane and I realised I just didn't want them. Luckily my DH was on the same page. I don't think it's fair of others to say he strung you along, sounds like he was forced to confront his feelings.

If he doesn't want kids you need to decide what you want your future to be.

Dh was indifferent to kids but always very clear in this with me. It was a deal breaker for me so we tried. We had significant issues and required ivf. Dh was happy to stop, I wasn't so he agreed to try a set number of times. We were lucky but it was a stressful and difficult period in our marriage as I 'won'. He is a great dad btw and was always very honest with me.

DS ended one relationship in her late 20s as he didn't want kids. When she met her now dh she was very clear about this issue. He agreed that kids were on his agenda too but 'later' and then kept moving the goalposts back. They very nearly split up as she felt he was dishonest with her and took away her choice. A lot of his issues were down to anxiety (he was badly bullied) but also he didn't want his lifestyle compromised. when he realised the impact on her he did finally agree (she was 37 and 41 when she had her kids). He is also a very loving dad but not as hands on as DS would like. They function well as a family but she takes on the lions share. She is prepared to do this as her compromise.

I agree with others that this can't wait another year. You need to decide how important kids are to you first and how this could look. Get him to do the same. Maybe counselling separately then together.

My DH wasn’t keen and wouldn’t have gone for it at all if I hadn’t said it was a deal breaker for me.

DD is the apple of his eye, and he worships her (and she him - I have to peel her off him sometimes!). She’s only 9 months and he’s suggesting we go back for IVF again soon.

For a lot of men I think the thought is much worse than the reality.

Bottom line is you need to decide how much you want kids. If you can’t see your life without them then you need to find someone who wants them now, this man does not and has been stringing you along.

Anyway, don’t have kids with someone with bad anxiety, it’s a shit quality in a parent.

I think you'd be mad to leave a happy marriage to have a child you don't even want that much.

And DS's ex did indeed have kids with his next gf. So just didn't want them with her!

You need to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. It would be for me, but then that's me, so no one can tell you how you really feel. However, you need to start making that decision now, and don't leave it for a year. You might want to think about having one to one counselling to have a safe place to think through what you really want.

If you wait any longer you might not have any.

"He does suffer with high anxiety and a negative outlook on life and is quite a nervous person"

In my experience (I'm in my 50's) those traits get worse with age, especially in men.

So you may, at times, be parenting alone, or making up for his shortcomings.

There's a lot to think about.

I'd be redressing my whole situation, especially if your DH isn't getting all the help and self helping that he could.

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG part of me does agree actually. That's why I think you need to work out your own feelings clearly first.

We had children in our late 30s but now they are in their late teens I'm in my 50s knackered and wishing I'd had them when I was younger

It's a tough one. What if you can't have children? Personally, I think that the marriage is the most important thing but I am saying that with 2 DC. Think very carefully before throwing a great relationship away. I loved the baby and under 13 stages but it's tough being a parent and it doesn't stop at 18. I sometimes think I should have given more consideration to being childless.

know another couple where the mother is very anxious and the father is as "maternal" and supportive as they come.

Haha ^ do you know us??? Apt description of me and DH . But we both wanted kids and were on the same page with that. I have struggled with awful anxiety my whole life tbh and it definitely does impact my parenting (DD is 15 months) but I try my best for it not to. And it does impact DH too. But we always both wanted kids and I see a specialist therapist from a team designed to work with families of infants to help me. The team provide therapeutic support for people who are thinking about TTC as well, does your area offer anything like that?

I always thought though having children would just enhance how lovely our life is.

This isn't a given, for many reasons.

Stop pussyfooting around this. You've had the chat. Tell him now, if you're aren't pregnant by Christmas, and him happy about that, you're off. You've had a great time together but now you need to get on with your life.

He may well change his mind. My DH was like this. He almost had a panic attack if ever I spoke about kids and would avoid the conversation at all costs. In time he changed his mind. We now have 2 DH. It's him who's actually keen to have a third but I'm done!

Hi all apologies for the late coming back.

I've spoke to him and said that when his anxiety has calmed down a bit ( in general not just on this) I think he needs to try looking at ctb therapists again and having another go with it. ( he did a 6 week course and didn't get on with the therapist so just rote off the help) He admired that he's reacted like this to any big change in his life ( going to uni, moving from his parents to live here with me, us getting married ( he asked!) buying a house etc.) So I guess I'm holding out some hope that hopefully when he's in a better head set and rational thinking he will beable to give a proper answer.

He's not the kind of person that would lie about somthing n string me along, that's not in his nature and he's so worried that if he said he couldn't have kids because of how his mental state would be, the only thing he would feel is upset for me, and feeling he's let me down n how it's not fair on me.

I love him so much. He means more than anything to me. I love what we have now. Like I said to him, I don't need to have children, but it would be nice to see and try.

I guess if that doesn't happen I need to lean to push past that and look to what we will do together instead, like go travelling.

Agree that even if you were to have kids, he needs help for his anxiety now. My poor friend had a baby with a man who has anxiety. She's totally burned out from treading on egg shells around him.

He has anxiety about getting enough sleep so can't do nights and has to have naps at weekends. He has anxiety about being alone with his daughter so can't look after her while my friend goes out. He has anxiety about work so when he comes home from a bad day my friend needs to cancel any plans she might have had to sit and counsel him. He also got PPD after the baby was born so while my friend was hobbling around after a traumatic forceps birth and bad tearing, he was in bed 'unable' to help her. She had to try get him to the doctor to be seen.

Also, I don't know if there's any connection, but their daughter is not a happy little soul. She's very on edge and sensitive and can't handle new places and change very well.