To think we won't ever have children because of how DH feels

[andpeggy1]

So we are both in our early 30s and been together for over a decade, married for 4 years. Whilst neither of us have been super broody or said we NEED kids in our life ( we always said when we were younger yea I'd like to have kids some time in the future) for me that some time in the future is starting to appear, so I approached the question to him about would he like to start trying for a family and if so when should we?

We had a pretty deep conversation about this. Deeper than what we have ever had. I assumed we were on the same page with this but aparently not. I said because of my age I would like to start in the next 6months to a year, only because I need to have my nexoplanan implant out and need to give my body time to settle. He said that was too soon, and felt like we were rushing. and wanted to wait a few more years (I'd be 36 by that point - yes I know that's still an ok age to have them, but still not without risk). We came to a compromise of this time next year we would see where we feel and go from there.

Couple of days later DH anxiety has been through the roof. We talk more and it stems from this whole kids chat. He does suffer with high anxiety and a negative outlook on life and is quite a nervous person. But generally together were great and he even says I'm a positive grounding influence on him.

He revealed that the thought of having kids terrifies him. It's the biggest responsibility, it causes a lot of change. He's so happy with our life as it is now. He hasn't said an outright NO to them but the way he's reacting, I can't put that kind of pressure on him.

He said that in a years time he may feel different about it, but if he's like this in this state in a years time n he said no to kids would I resent him? I said atm no I don't resent you because your going through meltdown, but at the same time I don't know how I'm going to feel in the next year. What ever happens we will still have each other and that's most important. He calmed down a little then.

I've had time to think about this now. I don't feel his view will change in a year. And yes we have a good life now. I always thought though having children would just enhance how lovely our life is. They arnt a need, more of a want.

But I can't get over the feeling that the chance of potentially having them has/is being taken away. I'm trying to look at it from the position of if we physically couldn't have them I think I would be ok with the desision as there is no possibility. I need to just look at what I have in life now and appreciate it don't I, rather than thinking and being upset on what could be.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How are you getting on now? What conclusions did you come up with?

My DP had similar thoughts for a long time. It took me getting pregnant and the subsequent miscarriage for him to change. He too, is terrified of becoming a father. He has told me that he will never be pushing for us to have children but he's now happy with the idea.
He also considered the issues with his parents as one of the reasons he was so worried but he's now sorted it out.

Hope it goes well OP.

I have a MH issue and becoming a parent didn’t help, quite the opposite!

I know a couple of fathers with MH issues who cannot and/or will not do their fair share of domestic work, paid work and parenting. That’s pretty rough on their partners.

He may have lied about wanting DC in the past: if he did that was awful.

In your shoes I would end the relationship.

From your posts OP it sounds like your life revolves around his needs and wants.
He sounds incredibly selfish as many people with MH issues are. In your shoes I’d walk away, he will drain the life out of you, how you’ve coped this long is amazing.

You have been together since very young it appears. Sometimes we grow differently. If children are something you want then you need to reflect on that now. You have time as you say you are in your early 30s. Your time is limited - his time is not. If I had a penny for every woman who waited around for her partner to be 'ready' then fucked off and got another woman pregnant in a short space of time I could be on a yacht in Cannes right now.

He's telling you who he is and where he stands. Listen to it. And whilst it is wonderful that you are a grounding force for him. What about you? What's missing from this whole saga is what YOU want.

Something I have noticed about men over the years (yes its a generalisation-flame away!) is this:
They can be with a woman a long time. A looong time. They will even get married, buy property, use a woman as a sounding board, best friend, emotional crutch etc.
But they won't TRULY commit unless they are in love. I have never known a man agree happily to making a child who wasn't head over heels in love with his partner.
OK, sometimes down the line love dies, people split, life happens, but taking that decision, for men, usually seems to mean "even if I am scared or not feeling ready I want this with YOU. I love you enough to trust it will be ok. I love you enough to not make you risk losing out on children forever."

OP this relationship seems to be all about him-his needs, his problems, his fear.
What you need in a marriage, in a partner is someone who puts your wants and needs front and centre too. Someone who is willing and able to hold up the other half of the sky. Don't settle for less than that.

Ah another man suffering from Peter Pan syndrome - can't possibly ever grow up! I would lay it on the line if you want kids - 36 is already pushing it from a fertility point of view it's well documented that fertility declines from age 35 onwards - loads of posters on here will say they are in their mid/late thirties and got pregnant first try but out of my friendship group (I'm 36) I would say 50% or more of us are suffering fertility problems - recurrent miscarriage, ectopics and just not getting pregnant at all. Myself I've had 5 mc and 2 ruptured ectopics both tubes removed and will never have children naturally. I'm an extreme case but it does happen. You have no idea how easy it will be to get pregnant and crucially stay pregnant.

Going to be honest here that the problem is that Even if you leave him now you'll have to start again and it could take a couple of years to meet someone to be in a position to have children.

You can't force your DH into it but the anxiety thing is bullshit he just needs to grow up.

He is being incredibly selfish and cruel to make you wait and to be honest if it was me I'd never forgive him

He may have lied about wanting DC in the past
I don’t think this is necessarily the case. Something might seem ok if it’s far in the future but when it arrives you struggle with it. The idea of “one day” is different from the reality of “today”.

It isn’t easy to meet a stable man who wants to stay with you, much less one who wants kids, and within such a short time frame of 3-4 years. Imo if OP wants children she’s better off pushing her current partner to have them rather than hanging her hopes on the unlikely option of meeting someone better before time runs out.

Rudewordsaretheshit my amazing nurse practitioner, specialist in fertility, told me this. I found her by asking the sperm banks who had the highest success rate and they all said her, best in Northern California. . I did a quick google and found this though it is talking about giving birth. She said conceiving was enough to up your chances a lot. I used her when I was 44 to have my third child. She had a lot of tricks most people don’t know of. www.google.com/amp/s/expectingscience.com/2015/02/06/does-giving-birth-reset-your-fertility/amp/

I don't need to have children, but it would be nice to see and try.

I have the feeling the urge to "try" will just get stronger, and you'll eventually resent him if he doesn't want DC.

I also see from your posts, that everything revolves around him and his feelings.

What about you? You are going to have to really think about what you want. Why are you playing second fiddle in this relationship?

You moght love him, but living with someone who has MH issues is draining, especially when they take no responsibility for it. I'd seriously consider leaving and finding someone more compatible with you.

I know a few people who have been in a similar situation, couples who had been together from late teens/early 20s. By early 30s the woman wanted kids and brought it up, the man was throwing out all the excuses, before admitting they just don’t want kids.

Of the 4 couples I know 2 women left and had children with someone else, 2 have stayed but I think they secretly regret it, it often comes out when they have a few drinks. They all hit early mid 30s and the crossroads of now or never came up. The 2 that left are happily married with children. They did meet and have a baby quite quickly, but they are all late 40s early 50s now and still married.

I think if it was me I’d probably lay my cards out and say you need to be honest now. You can keep adding on 6 months thinking time but the thing is you don’t have an infinite amount of time to have children. If it’s a no I’d seriously think about moving on in your position.

IchiNiSan us spot on and so many posters have said very relevant things.

He seems very selfish and you seem willing to be subsumed into what he can handle.

You love him so much NOW. You don’t mind if you don’t have children NOW. Will you still feel the same at 45 when it’s too late? Your relationship seems to be all about his wants and needs.

I wonder how honest you are being with yourself about how much you want children.

You say you don’t need children and you love what you have.

But perhaps you know deep inside that you either do now or will in future have a much stronger desire for a family than you are expressing to us and to him. Maybe not, but I wonder.

Do you love him as he is now (walking on eggshells), or do you love who you hope he might be if you weren't walking on the eggshells?
Because they never will go away. He'll only get worse as he gets older, grumpier, and less tolerant.

I bloody hate men like this, stringing a woman along for all their fertile years only to refuse when time is running out. If you want a family, go and find someone to have one with.

Would some medication for anxiety not be a priority?

MY OH and I were like this. Neither of us really wanted kids, then I did, he said no for three years, we had therapy and sorted out all his issues with it, worked on our relationship, TTC for 2 additional years then found out I was infertile with a number of issues. We accepted it and moved on from the idea of having kids, and are happier than ever. If he had continued to say no I would have resented it and left him. Happily he only agreed to have kids to make me happy and doesn't mind he wont have any due to my issues. All has worked out okay due to improved communication as helped by the therapy sessions. Phew.

I was in this situation at 29; it was one of the reasons I broke up with my ex. Six years on, he now has two kids with his new girlfriend! Clearly we weren't right for each other and I'm glad I didn't put the pressure on to have a baby with him as I know we'd have split up anyway eventually.

I'm now happily married and ttc with my husband; at 34 I still (just) have time, but if I'd waited longer to try to convince my ex then it might have been too late by the time I got out and found someone else.

Honestly, all the couples I know who didn’t have children because both or he didn’t want too split up in their 40s and the male of the couple now has a young family with a much younger woman. The females do not have children as too old.

I always thought though having children would just enhance how lovely our life is

It doesn’t. They make life harder. Skip the kids and have a great life together. That’s what DH and I have done and it’s been amazing!

Contrary to what loads of pp's are saying, maybe he actually understands the reality of being a parent. You say you have a lovely life and you think children will just enhance this lovely life, so more of a want than a need. But children can and often do dramatically change things. What if they have additional needs for example. Are you imaging just doing what you do now with a child in tow? This is often not how it works out. I really don't want to sound harsh but I think it's worth re examining your view on what being a parent will be like and your want for children before you potentially make big changes to your relationship.

I had a friend who was married mid 30s. She had assumed they would have children and he it seems had assumed they wouldn’t

Prolonged discussion and he would not back down (fair enough). She then asked him to have a vasectomy. He refused and she walked out and never went back

They both have children with other people now

I wasted my fertile years on someone who liked the idea of children but because of mental health and anxiety issues just couldn’t do it, I hung around
Till 35
I’m now 40
I never met anyone else

@Watchingthyme
That’s incredibly sad. Would you perhaps consider foster or adoption?

by 36 if you have never been pregnant (eg abortion or miscarriage) it can be well nigh impossible

Never been pregnant before and I got pregnant with DD on first attempt at 38 and first attempt with ds at 40 whilst breastfeeding. Never heard this