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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 31/08/2019 07:54

No. You can’t ask people to pay.
Surely the cost will be reduced from the big venue wedding you were planning.

HatingTheBigShow · 31/08/2019 07:54

Yabu to expect people to give up 5 days plus travelling time for your wedding.

peachypetite · 31/08/2019 07:55

I wouldn’t. Why does it have to be five nights? Are you expecting people to take all that time off work too?

Hahaha88 · 31/08/2019 07:56

Yes yabu. You want to go away for your wedding for 5 days. You pay. Guests are already going to be "paying" with a week's annual leave just to begin with.
I'd actually be annoyed with you if you invited me to your UK destination wedding and expected me to go for 5 days

Rubicon80 · 31/08/2019 07:57

Wtf? You want 12 people to give up a good proportion of their annual leave to travel to a random place miles from where they live and you want them to pay for the privilege? Are you taking the piss?

mossmurray · 31/08/2019 07:57

It sounds lovely but when you get into the 5 nigh territory you're then expecting guests to use annual leave and to pay for a holiday they haven't chosen themselves.
Could you not cut down the amount of nights and foot the bill yourselves?

Sooverthemill · 31/08/2019 07:57

I don't understand why would you need 5 nights? Maybe the night before and night of wedding but 5 nights seems OTT. It's a wedding not a holiday. Sorry to rain on your parade but just think if you were asked to do this for every wedding in your family? If you aren't comfortable with the who shebang, go very simple and visit the Lake District for your honeymoon.

BeverlyGoldbergsHairAndJumpers · 31/08/2019 07:58

No way would I pay for someone else’s wedding. Especially for 5 days. I would be so annoyed you had even asked. Would you want presents as well?!

HaroldThatsEnough · 31/08/2019 07:58

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask people to contribute to accommodation costs for 1 night, but it would be unreasonable and unnecessary to ask them to pay for 5. Plus it's a lot of annual leave for most people to give up. Why would guests have to be there for so long?

MorbidMuch · 31/08/2019 07:58

It's essentially inviting the family onto your honeymoon as well. Look for different accommodation so that you and your husband can have a smaller place for 5 nights and your other relatives can find something for 1 night if they want to stay over.

PersonaNonGarter · 31/08/2019 07:58

No. YABU.

WaterSheep · 31/08/2019 07:58

You can ask, £170 per person for a 5 night trip is incredibly cheap, considering they won't have to pay for food whilst they're there.

I think the biggest sticking points will be if everyone is able to get time off, and if they actually want to spend 5 of their holiday on you.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/08/2019 07:59

YABVU, five days for a wedding is OTT and guests certainly shouldn’t have to pay. A week of annual leave for a wedding is what you do as the couple getting married, guests won’t want to waste precious leave on it.

Witchinaditch · 31/08/2019 07:59

No no no no. It’s different to one night in a hotel in a wedding. If you can’t afford it don’t do it.

Fatted · 31/08/2019 07:59

YABVVVVVVVU expecting people to pay. Fair enough if you want to bugger off and do it by yourself. But don't force people to pay for it. Especially if you have already booked something, I'm guessing other people might have already made arrangements around that. And paid out money.

I've not seen the thread about your mum and sister. Surely you can just go to the registry office the two of you without having to tell anyone else. Or Gretna.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 31/08/2019 07:59

YABU. You cannot expect people to contribute to your wedding at all, let alone £300+ per head as well as expecting them to be there for 5 days. What the hell are you doing for a wedding that will take 5 whole days?

No matter how “you” Hmm you may think it feels, get a grip.

CaptureCastles · 31/08/2019 08:00

YABU!

That's extremely cheeky/rude. I'd laugh!

Why not have a registry office wedding just you and then as PP suggested, go to the Lake District on your honeymoon?

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 08:00

It probably would have been worth me noting that our guests were happy with the idea of going abroad (which would have been around the same duration, if not longer) when discussed during early wedding planning.

OP posts:
EdnaAdaSmith · 31/08/2019 08:00

Five days is a very long time for someone else's wedding, and £337 plus travel is an awful lot to pay to attend someone else's wedding.

Essentially you're suggesting that the 12 of you go on holiday together, and celebrate your wedding while you're away, I suppose. Do all these people know one another? Would they want to holiday together? Are all the rooms ensuite? It's expensive for 5 days given you have to share with so many people - each couple could get their own private accommodation for that.

You say no children, but does that mean that nobody has children at all, or that you're expecting one or more couples to leave children with someone else for five days and nights?

I think it's a big ask - what if one of the other couples can't get the full 5 days off work?

If you ask people ask them face to face or on the phone, scope them out.

squeekums · 31/08/2019 08:01

You can ask, sure but I bet many will say no
I sure as hell wouldn't fork out that kind of cash for a wedding stay, much less give up 5 days for it.
If I'm going away for 5 days it's to a destination of my choice for an actual holiday I choose

MiddleClassProblem · 31/08/2019 08:01

I dunno. Sure on the surface it’s a no but you know these people and you know if this is something they might do, have possibly done before etc.

Some families would love a week away altogether and would have no issue with this.

CaptureCastles · 31/08/2019 08:02

Your friends saying 'ohhh yes that'd be great' in early wedding talk is VERY different to them actually booking and paying up. You may well be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Merryoldgoat · 31/08/2019 08:02

I’m sorry but I’d be really annoyed if I was expected at a wedding like this:

I wouldn’t want to go away for 5 days (and couldn’t during term time).

£337 per couple is fine for 5 days in that the amount is reasonable, but if I chose to go to a wedding far away I’d stay 2 nights max and would get a cheaper place than that.

I’m not being cruel, but you have to remember that most weddings are not anticipated with the same joy and excitement by guests as they are by the couple.

I’ve always been glad they’re over and looked forward to getting home the next day. The idea of celebrating for 5 days makes my heart sink.

Sorry.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 31/08/2019 08:02

Yabu. It's a very small wedding and you should pay for it all. Are you sure the best man and bridesmaid want to spend 5 days of their annual leave living with your dh's family?

Densol999 · 31/08/2019 08:02

Id want to go for the night before and the night if the wedding and Id be happy to contribute to the Airbnb but Id defo not want to go for 5 nights ! Cooped up with 11 other people ( family or not )

So I agree with your idea but just 2 nights