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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 31/08/2019 08:45

Oh sorry I didn't read your update properly- if you already go away together as a group and this is just an extension of this, then totally different situation. I suspect people will offer to pay anyway which might be more elegant than having to ask.

BeanBag7 · 31/08/2019 08:45

No I don't think you can ask them to pay for the accommodation you have chosen. A contribution to the food for the non- wedding days would probably be ok as they could have the choice to say no and provide their own food.

Ringdonna · 31/08/2019 08:46

No very CF

Jetstream · 31/08/2019 08:46

A friend got married abroad (just herself and her husband) and held their reception over a weekend here. The accommodation was shared rooms in a holiday lodge. We’d to bring our own food, drink and pay for the nights we stayed.

Maybe people should just pay per night rather than for the 5 days as it wouldn’t be feasible for everyone.

No-one complained and everyone had a fantastic time.

HimHerWhatever · 31/08/2019 08:46

Sorry OP but even if the 5 nights thing was paid for I still wouldn't go. 5 nights is an actual holiday, it's a quarter of my annual leave.

Penguincity · 31/08/2019 08:48

5 days in the lake district is not how I would wish to use my annual leave. Yes I might say I would go abroad for a wedding but my thinking this would be my holiday. 5 days in the lakes, I would still be wanting a holiday abroad

user1493494961 · 31/08/2019 08:48

Going against the grain somewhat but I think it all sounds lovely. I attended a wedding recently (DH's friend) in a hotel venue and paid nearly £200 for a room for one night so I'd be happy to pay £337 per couple for 5 nights. You know your guests Op and whether you'd be able to ask them but Yoba's suggestion of a nightly rate is a good one. Hope it all works out for you.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 08:48

@BlackCatSleeping (felt weird writing that whilst watching my actual black cat sleeping..). I wanted to ask opinions because of the reasoning behind it all. We've considered getting married at home which would be no cost to guests in any way, but want to get away due to the fact that we know that unwanted guests will cause a stir.

I guess I wanted to get a general idea of whether people would be happy to go to a UK destination for a couple of days for a wedding of a close family member/very close friend, and if so, whether they'd be happy to pay for just the accommodation. I've not booked anything, I just found a beautiful place that could host us together, and again, no pressure to have to stay there- it was just an idea.

From a general consensus, I get that most consider it to be unreasonable, which is why I asked before approaching the idea with guests.

OP posts:
NoNoNoOohmaybe · 31/08/2019 08:50

Tho their thing to consider is if all rooms are equal. It sounds like your mil and sil are challenging and they might well whinge they didn't get a good room/ the standard of the accommodation etc. And you're stuck with them for 5 days!

Couldn't you have the lakes wedding and just stay in a hotel? That way people can book for as long as they want and you have some privacy and space

Alwayssaythewrongthing · 31/08/2019 08:51

I don’t think YABU. It’s a very small wedding with close family and friends. I would love to go to something like this and would always expect to pay towards accommodation.
As you said will prob work out much cheaper anyway than having separate stag/hen weekends plus hotel etc for the wedding.

BeanBag7 · 31/08/2019 08:52

A relative of mine had a wedding at a big house, with other smaller houses nearby, on the coast and the whole family (30+) people stayed for the week. Nobody minded "giving up their annual leave". My side if the family (20+) people, often go away for a weeks holiday together anyway so we just did our weeks holiday at their wedding location that year.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 08:53

@NoNoNoOohmaybe I'm not entirely sure you've read any of this properly, as I've never mentioned MIL or SIL being challenging.. Sorry for any miscommunication.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 31/08/2019 08:53

OP I think part of the issue here is you've asked on mumsnet so most of us are parents and annual leave is hoarded and used carefully for childcare as well as holidays.

Now that you've updated and said you go away already with the family element, I think they will probably want to contribute. I think you'd be better setting up a whatsapp group and asking them what they think of duration and location, then they will probably offer to pay so cost shared without having to ask.

Skyejuly · 31/08/2019 08:54

YABU

sonjadog · 31/08/2019 08:54

I think it is hard for anyone to say yes or no here as it depends so much on the group dynamics, what has been said etc. I would test the idea with a couple of people in the party who you know would give an honest reply and see what they think.

Personally, it wouldn't be a blanket no from me to such an event. It would depend very much on who else was going, what time of year it was, if I fancied a holiday in the Lake District that year. I wouldn't prioritize it above other holidays if there was somewhere else I´d rather go that year as the amount of money would use up a large part of my holiday budget. But with the right group of people and at the right time of year, it could be a lot of fun.

koffeetoast · 31/08/2019 08:54

I think 5 days out of anyone's schedule especially just to go to the Lake District is too much. I think you should ask people to find their own place to stay as they may not want to stay in the place you are asking them to pay for.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 08:54

@Ringdonna CF?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/08/2019 08:55

I’d be happy to go to a wedding like this for my sister or best friend. I’d be happy to stay that long and to fund the accommodation costs. I wouldn’t do it with DH’s family. 2 nights would be enough, we’re not close enough to share bathrooms/living rooms comfortably.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/08/2019 08:56

CF = cheeky fucker.

I think if handled carefully, your suggestion does not make you a CF.

LillianGish · 31/08/2019 08:56

our guests have told us that they're happy to go away Fri-Mon - This seems to me like a more reasonable timeframe. Three nights away - stag/hen Friday night, wedding on Saturday, brunch/debrief whatever on Sunday, home on Monday (with an option for leaving Sunday evening fôr those who need to get back). If you want to stay longer you could take the Airbnb for longer and give people the option of staying on with you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect people to pay for their own overnight accommodation at a wedding, but usually this would be one night or two at the most. I think you could work out how much it costs per night and ask people to contribute for the number of nights they stay. Ignore those saying they’d rather go abroad - how is having to factor in flights and car hire on top of accommodation better? I think it sounds like a lovely idea - send out a save the date/test the water email and see what your guests think.

SoupDragon · 31/08/2019 09:00

I must be reading a different thread to many others.

These are all people who were happy to pay/take time off for stag and hen dos and a wedding abroad. This is less time and money.

Based on the thread title alone, YABVU and a Cheeky Fucker (CF) but reading all the details, it seems entirely different.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:00

@rookiemere I got some really useful input on my last post so thought I'd test the waters here- I've felt a little attacked for someone who just asked opinions on an mere idea, but I do see where some input has come from and it's helped me decide how I should approach the idea, which is why I posted in the first place.

Maybe that's one of the things with many posters here, that they do have children and do have to consider childcare etc. and annual leave. However, none of the wedding party have to do that, which maybe changes the perspective.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 31/08/2019 09:00

I would be happy for the offer of accommodation. So if you said, wedding is in Lake District and we have a house available for x amount for so many nights (2-3 not 5). You cover the cost of the house if you want it, but if people opt to stay then they pay you x amount. It’s basically like getting a block of rooms at a discount and giving people the choice to stay there or find their own accommodation. I would strongly recommend staying somewhere on your own just the two of you though.

We did a U.K. wedding in a different part of the UK. We blocked off rooms at an inn next to the venue and guests could stay there if they wished (at their own expense, as many nights as they wished, most stayed just for 1, close family and friends for 2). We stayed in a house on the grounds of the venue nearby.

That worked great because people could choose to do whatever they wanted and could afford. Some made a big weekend of it, others drove there and back in the day.

But I would give some consideration to just how exhausting a wedding is. There is no way in hell I would have wanted to be sharing a house with my guests. It’s stressful and draining. By the day after the wedding, we were just completely done. I had lost my voice and was so grateful when everyone went off home and we could just be by ourselves. We had a lovely wedding but I wouldn’t have wanted to make a family holiday of it. It was nice to have space and time as a couple.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 31/08/2019 09:00

If you book it for two nights not five the price will come down further into more manageable amounts?

It's a nice idea but the duration is a bit unreasonable in my opinion and the cost would rule me out, not that I'm invited Grin

merrymouse · 31/08/2019 09:01

You know better than strangers on MN whether your guests would be happy to pay for a group holiday in the Lake District that includes your wedding.

However, if you are just trying to prevent family members from attending your wedding and want a low key celebration I would have a basic registry office wedding with a witness followed by a reception with speeches in the venue of your choice on a different day.