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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:
happycamper11 · 31/08/2019 13:35

YABU the guests only need stay 1 night... 2 tops if the destination is a long journey. Find an air bnb for yourself and dh and let guests sort their own

justasking111 · 31/08/2019 13:39

Would love to come to your wedding. We would organise our own accommodation and stay two nights. Perhaps let guests have a choice.

flouncyfanny · 31/08/2019 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackCatSleeping · 31/08/2019 13:50

I think it’s fine, but I think it works better if the OP pays for the accommodation and actual wedding and everyone pays their own transportation, chips in for food and drink, and pays for their own days out. That takes the pressure off everyone.

Drabarni · 31/08/2019 13:55

I'm not sure I'd go tbh. You can't ask people to pay, and certainly nobody is going to take 5 days of annual leave for your wedding.

Will there be anyone from your side, ot just your dp. Your attitude asking people to pay seems like your dm and dsis have dodged a bullet. I can imagine their smiles.

viques · 31/08/2019 13:58

WHy not book the air b an b for a couple of nights , book a local registrars wedding to coincide and pay for a caterer or private chef to come in and do a wedding meal for all your guests ? If you are staying in a nice place why pay for another nice place to party in?

You could do a big shop to cover breakfasts/drinks/snacks for the guests but make it clear they are on their own for other meals, or find local pubs etc that won't break the bank.

Youngandfree · 31/08/2019 14:03

I'm not sure I'd go tbh. You can't ask people to pay, and certainly nobody is going to take 5 days of annual leave for your wedding

@Drabarni ppl use annual leave for destination weddings ALL the time!!its not a strange think. Mine was in the Lake District and I had ppl from as far as Australia for that!! I have been to weddings in Italy, Spain and the Caribbean! I didn’t bat an eyelid!! Ppl on mn seem to hate a wedding that isn’t in their home town and not on a Saturday!! Good lord!!

PancakeAndKeith · 31/08/2019 14:04

I had a friend who did similar. She was very close to her siblings and her DHs family all knew her family.
They rented a big house out in the country, got there the day before the wedding and cooked a big meal together. Then the next day a breakfast together with the wedding in the grounds and caterers for the evening meal. Following morning all had breakfast together and went home.
It meant everyone could have a drink, lots of people had dc who could be put to bed there and not worry.
It worked because everyone was close family and it was only an hours drive. It was over a weekend which meant people only had to take one day off or even get there as soon as after work.

user1493759849 · 31/08/2019 14:10

@OrangeAeroBubbles not a chance would I be going to this. Spending 5 days with these people, 24/7, and paying so much for the privilege. As a few people have said, B & Gs take the piss so much these days when it comes to their weddings, and the amount of cheeky fukers now is unprecedented.

I would politely decline this invitation to spend a fuckton of money on someone else's celebration. Wtf is wrong with people these days? Do they think people are made of money? Confused

user1493759849 · 31/08/2019 14:15

@Youngandfree

ppl use annual leave for destination weddings ALL the time!!its not a strange think. Mine was in the Lake District and I had ppl from as far as Australia for that!! I have been to weddings in Italy, Spain and the Caribbean! I didn’t bat an eyelid!! Ppl on mn seem to hate a wedding that isn’t in their home town and not on a Saturday!! Good lord!!

What a revolting, obnoxious, arrogant, narrow-minded post! Hmm

Bully for YOU if you can afford to travel across the world for every fukking wedding abroad, and not even notice a tiny dent in your obviously MASSIVE bank balance. 'How WONDERFUL to be able to 'not bat an eyelid' at being asked to attend a wedding in the Caribbean or Australia!

Jeezus. Just when I thought I had seen everything on here! Hmm

Not EVERYONE is so fortunate. Your comments are disgusting.

Pinkblueberry · 31/08/2019 14:16

I don’t think YABU. Most weddings I’ve been too we’ve had to travel and pay for hotels etc. this doesn’t really sound any different. If you’re all close and you discuss it properly I think it’s fine, but obviously be prepared for people to say no. But I think it’s a nice idea - I would agree to it if one of my friends asked to do that.

Pinkblueberry · 31/08/2019 14:19

Oh dear, I just read it’s 5 days - not sure about that then, I don’t think I would want to use up that much annual leave just for a wedding. No harm in asking though, I don’t think it’s rude to suggest it.

Youngandfree · 31/08/2019 14:23

@user1493759849 I was using mine as an extreme example!! OP is in the uk and asking ppl to travel to the Lake District...not quite as far! They don’t HAVE to stay 5 days!!

PooWillyBumBum · 31/08/2019 14:26

YABU

Just book the wedding and your own accom and let guests sort themselves out rather than dictating the length and details of their stay

RachelEllenR · 31/08/2019 14:36

YANBU! You know them well, the cost is reasonable (cheap with everything included) and only very close family/friends. I'd happily pay this for the wedding/hen/stag of someone so close.

HeronLanyon · 31/08/2019 14:39

Creeping realisation that I just don’t like weddings at all - have been to lots a great ones really well done and fun but frankly to be witness to a couple who you’ve known love each other anyway plus all of the hassle and cost (for them) etc it really doesn’t appeal. Think I’ve become a grouch where weddings are concerned. Went to really lovely 6 person registry office wedding with lunch in brides favourite tea shop recently which was moving and lovely. More than that I really don’t see the point. Sorry all. Hmm

SNG2019 · 31/08/2019 14:42

This wouldn't bother me at all. Your not asking people to pay for your wedding. Just the accommodation. People pay for hotels and holidays attached to a wedding all the time. As you've said it's very immediate family and friends attending so they would probably just treat it as a mini holiday with their nearest and dearest with the added bonus of seeing you get married. I've paid in excess of £2000k to go to Italy to watch our friends get married and that probably wasn't somewhere I would have gone otherwise. I'd say asking people to pay for their accommodation for which is going to be a 5 night mini holiday for themselves is not unreasonable and I'd just say no gifts on the wedding invitations

Adversecamber22 · 31/08/2019 15:00

I’m currently in America for a relatives wedding but they are American. The wedding I’m at is three days long but it’s a cultural thing due to our heritage. I am loathe to tot up the cost overall and our relative has paid for four nights for us. We have chosen to stay a further nine nights and make this our annual trip abroad.

Book your wedding wherever you want but you cannot expect guests to stay at a place of your choosing. Our relative has paid for us to stay at the hotel the wedding is at for four days, they have paid for the wedding celebration nights for at least three families that have flown in from the UK and Taiwan.

SoyDora · 31/08/2019 15:06

More than that I really don’t see the point. Sorry all. Hmm

You don’t have to be sorry, I don’t imagine most people on here care what you think about weddings!

PuzzledObserver · 31/08/2019 15:07

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if already mentioned, but check on the legal position re getting married somewhere other than where you live.

You normally need to give notice of your intention to marry in the registration district where the ceremony is to take place, at least 28 days before the ceremony, and have to have been resident there for 7 days before that.

I strongly suggest contacting the registrar nearest to the venue ASAP and ask if what you want to do is even possible. You may need a special licence or something like that.

Don’t try lying about where you live - they want proof.

SoyDora · 31/08/2019 15:14

PuzzledObserver many many people get married in places other than where they live. In fact I don’t think I’ve been to a single wedding in either the bride or grooms home town, and I’ve been to a lot of weddings. We lived in Spain when we married (in the UK). We flew back 2 days before the wedding.

HeronLanyon · 31/08/2019 15:20

soy thanks for your view. Was aware on a wedding thread my view might not be welcome. Clearly it triggered something for you - unintended !

HeadintheiClouds · 31/08/2019 15:22

That sounds quite unusual, SoyDora. The timeline, I mean.

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SoyDora · 31/08/2019 15:23

Not triggering at all, I just get (probably irrationally) annoyed when people apologise for their view as though there’s going to be a whole thread of people sobbing into their cup of tea because some random person they don’t know doesn’t like something.
But I apologise for my tetchiness, it’s no doubt my severe sleep deprivation talking.