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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:

user1483387154 · 31/08/2019 08:03

one or two nights yes. 5 days ... hell no

FudgeBrownie2019 · 31/08/2019 08:03

But going abroad would likely be their main holiday for that year and something they could factor in. If you asked me to come for five days to the Lakes (although it's incredibly lovely there) for your wedding then asked me to pay for your choices, I'd think you were grabby.

You'll save so much more than if you had the big wedding, why not just pay the two thousand pounds and then let guests bring food/booze so it feels like a special trip for everyone? Why make money the focus?

Divebar · 31/08/2019 08:03

I’m sorry, I appreciate that it’s a small party but I wouldn’t expect people to give up 5 days annual leave and then pay for the privilege. I actually got married in Cornwall away from my home area and guests had to drive 5 or 6 hours to get to me so we covered the costs of the lots of the accommodation. That being said most people stayed 2 or 3 nights not 5. The main pain for us with this was accessing the people we needed to meet prior to the big day like photographers and florists so you also need to think about how you would do that. We were lucky as my PIL lived nearby and we could stay with them for long weekends.... it did add an extra layer of complication though. ( NB your plans do sound lovely though OP)

FrancesFlute · 31/08/2019 08:04

Five days? No way. I wouldn't pay either.

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 31/08/2019 08:04

If you can afford to then it would be a lovely gesture (and save you a lot of faff and stress) if you paid the £2K yourself and invited the guests to contribute with bringing food, wine etc for the other 4 days

If you can't afford the £2K and need to split the accommodation costs then i can't advise without knowing the guests. Most people (unless truly skint) would happily pay without fuss, others may moan and groan. Only you and DH know your guests and into which category they fit!

OtraCosaMariposa · 31/08/2019 08:04

Saying that you'd do something during "early wedding planning" doesn't mean you'd be happy at it when it comes to the crunch.

5 days for a wedding is absolutely ridiculous, without the paying aspect.

Ylvamoon · 31/08/2019 08:05

I think you need to consider the fact that not everyone you want at your wedding will be able to come.
And as for asking to pay? Tricky. Best would be, to to invite people to your wedding DAY, destination Lake District and let them make their own minds up.

Ounce · 31/08/2019 08:05

If you don't watch it, your guests are likely to get fed up with your flip-flopping. By the time you finally decide what to do you might find you're a party of two.

squeekums · 31/08/2019 08:06

It probably would have been worth me noting that our guests were happy with the idea of going abroad (which would have been around the same duration, if not longer) when discussed during early wedding planning.

The thought of going abroad in early planning is much different to same country though.

Underhisi · 31/08/2019 08:06

Yabu. You need to pay for the Airbnb if that is where you want and be prepared that some guests will not want to/ be able to stay for more than 1 or 2 nights.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 31/08/2019 08:08

No OP ..sorry this is wrong on so many levels.I do get where you are coming from wanting your wedding day to be perfect and exactly how you want it but there are so many other things to take into consideration,Your guests are a key element and its too much to ask of them.I would suggest given the grandfathers health and families on both sides to get married local if you want them there and go have a blessing and a small honeymoon up in the lakes just you and new husband maybe? later in the year would be ideal for just you two alone or maybe with some close friends. I know it shouldnt be about anyone else but if you want your guests to celebrate with you and be part of your day then you cannot expect them to fall in with your plans at huge disruption and then to pay for the privelidge too...its not reasonable.I am sorry,in theory its a good idea but practically it will be a nightmare!

cardamoncoffee · 31/08/2019 08:08

Sorry OP but I think YABVU. Very few working people will want to take 5 days off work for your wedding, in a destination that is not even guaranteed fair weather. When you say you are covering food/drink is that the whole stay? Will you be sorting 3 meals for 12 for 5 days? You'll be exhausted by the end.

I think you can ask but don't expect everyone to want to, and in that case I think you would have to pay the difference.

wowfudge · 31/08/2019 08:08

The thing with going abroad is that people will make that their holiday is you pick the kind of place they like and the dates that suit them. Will they think the same about the Lake District? You can only ask and see what they think.

IamtheOA · 31/08/2019 08:08

But people going abroad for 5 days or a week IS a holiday. They would do the wedding thing, sightsee....
Whole different story staying in the UK- people may not want to use up leave for the UK

Landlubber2019 · 31/08/2019 08:08

I wouldn't be happy to receive your invitation. Can you do a weekend Fri- Sun ? Do the other guests have children to arrange sitters for?

JintyMac · 31/08/2019 08:09

We did something similar for our wedding but only over the weekend and we paid for the accomodation. We asked guests to contribute food and drinks, we all cooked our own wedding meal at the holiday home - it was brilliant, very relaxed. Why not just have a bit of a party at the air bnb instead of the wedding venue? Could get in caterers if you don't fancy cooking???

Treem · 31/08/2019 08:10

Less than 200 for 5 nights accommodation and you are paying for everything else? That sounds fine. You can only ask and make it clear that you wont be offended if they say no. It also depends on how much money your guests have to spare- 377 for both of us would be fine for DP and I but others may not be as fortunate

Original poster

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 08:10

All 12 guests have been happy to pay to go elsewhere for our hen and stag do, so the idea of it was to arrive on the Saturday and settle in, have separate nights (men go somewhere, women go somewhere else- kind of mini stag and hen) for celebrations on the Sunday, get married on the monday and have two days to really relax and enjoy the lakes afterward.

I've not said at all that I 'expect' anyone to pay, I've simply asked if it would be unreasonable to ask friends and family to pay for own accommodation whilst we cover the travel cost, food, drink, entertainment and everything else for the entire stay.

Regarding children- none of us have any, it's not a case that I don't want children there.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 31/08/2019 08:11

The thought of going abroad in early planning is much different to same country though.

Absolutely - we might’ve decided that a foreign destination would be our holiday so decided to make it that. And once you booked a formal big wedding and the foreign stuff was off the table I may have allocated the money elsewhere. To be then told I’m expected to be away 5 days for a wedding which would cost around £500 (accommodation and travel) would be very irritating.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 31/08/2019 08:12

You can't expect people to give up that much time and that much money for your wedding.
You could talk to each guest now, discuss clearly with them the cost implications and the time required and see what they say, but you absolutely cannot expect them to do it.

UndertheCedartree · 31/08/2019 08:12

YANBU to discuss it with your guests but YABU if you expect them to come on a holiday for your wedding and pay for the accomodation.

I think first you need to find out who would be up for the 5 days away as some may only want to stay the night after the wedding. If there are enough who want to make it a little holiday then you should discuss costs. On the one hand it is normal for people to pay for their accomodation at a wedding but this is usually only one night. Some people may be happy to make a holiday out of it and pay for the whole 5 nigjts. Others might feel as it is away from home that they shouldn"t pay. Finally some may not be in a position to pay even if they would like to.

I think as long as you discusd it with an open mind you'll be ok.

Spikeyball · 31/08/2019 08:12

If you have chosen the accommodation then you shouldn't ask others to pay for it.

MrsExpo · 31/08/2019 08:13

YABU. 5 or more nights at is a holiday. 5 nights in the Lake District might not be for many people. Get married at a low key, register office event near home and go wherever you want to for a honeymoon.

tinyvulture · 31/08/2019 08:13

Yeah, of course it’s fine if they were willing to go abroad with Roy for your wedding - they would have paid for that, presumably? Don’t really see why you need to cover the food for the whole 5 days either - just for the wedding itself, I would think.
But the only real way to know whether this will be ok is to ask them. Obviously they are close family/friends, so just ring them or text them and ask. Because the people responding on here don’t know your family/best friends, and may have very different relationships to yours.
I’d be happy to do this, and pay, if it was the wedding of my child, or one of dp’s children, or one of our siblings, or for my best friend’s wedding. Can’t think offhand or anyone else I’d do it for - but with only 12 guests I presume these are the types of relationships you have with them.....

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 31/08/2019 08:14

Do you really want to spend your wedding night / honeymoon staying in a house with your relatives? 😮

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