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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:
yourestandingonmyneck · 31/08/2019 08:27

No no no. You host a wedding, you don't expect people to pay to attend.

And 5 days is far too much. Particularly in an Airbnb in this country. A foreign destination wedding in a hotel or suchlike is very different.

I suspect if you go down this route a lot of people will drop out....increasing the price for those that do go.

It's fraught with problems. Go for a shorter period of time and foot the bill yourselves.

Fifteenthnamechange · 31/08/2019 08:27

I think this is fine. Good luck OP

Sockworkshop · 31/08/2019 08:28

YABVVU
Why the would you expect people to pay that and use up their leave?
Very cheeky.
I suspect what will happen is nearer the time people will tell you they are only staying 2 nights, cant get leave etc and you will be left to pay .
Cue another moaning wedding thread !

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 31/08/2019 08:28

I think maybe the "all or nothing" aspect is the cheeky bit - you sound like people are either in for the full five days or not at all.

If you were happy to suck up some of the cost, then I reckon you could say something like "we will be hiring a house with room for everyone and the plan for the five days is xyz. You are very welcome to stay for as many days as you like - it would be great if you were happy to make a contribution of £x per night. Or if you prefer, there are the following options : [usual list of hotels, B&Bs, etc]"

That way people have a choice of where they stay and for how many nights. You will end up having to eat some of the cost, as I doubt everyone will choose to stay for every night, but you should get some of it covered.

Beautiful3 · 31/08/2019 08:29

You can offer it out and see who wants to do it. But I wouldn't want to give up 5 days and pay £300ish for someone else's wedding. If it's in the UK guests will prefer to stop for one night only. Why don't you save your money for a fancy honeymoon? A local registry office wedding followed by a hall party then a fantastic honeymoon.

ballsdeep · 31/08/2019 08:29

Eh? You want people to. Give up 5 days and pay nearly £400 to attend your wedding? Batshit crazy.

Schuyler · 31/08/2019 08:31

Sorry but YABU, it’s too long to ask people to be away IMO.

HT85 · 31/08/2019 08:31

I’m not being cruel, but you have to remember that most weddings are not anticipated with the same joy and excitement by guests as they are by the couple.

Don’t agree with this at all. Close family get very excited about each other’s weddings, or at least in my experience.

I think it’s a reasonable amount to ask for as it sounds like a lovely destination. However, have they all agreed to 5 days? I do think that will be your difficulty if no one has already planned to spend that much time away for the wedding.

Best of luck, it sounds like a really lovely idea Flowers

onemorecakeplease · 31/08/2019 08:32

I think you should book and pay for the air b&b and invite people to join you for as little or long as they want.

Pay for the meal after the wedding and let people sort out their own food the rest of the time

That was people can come up for the day/night/two days etc or whatever they want

You have to pay for the accommodation though. Cheaper by far than a wedding and a honeymoon anyway!

LIZS · 31/08/2019 08:33

Think you need to be prepared for at least some of the 12 not staying the full 5 nights, if at all, and to underwrite the whole 2k. Going to an overseas destination where there are different things to do and not necessarily sharing accommodation, meals etc and weather more guaranteed is a different proposition.

YobaOljazUwaque · 31/08/2019 08:33

It sounds like a lovely wedding. I do think you should go ahead and book it.

I don't think you should ask anyone to pay towards it and there should be no expectation of joining in with the airbnb for 5 nights - any of them might well prefer to organise something solo independently.

Make the invitation very specifically for the wedding event and the meal or meals and celebration activities immediately afterwards the same day. That's the thing you are asking them to join you for - any activities you have ideas for on days before or after being strictly optional.

Let them know that you have accommodation available at £68 per person per night for up to 5 nights if desired but obviously no obligation at all to use this option if something else is preferable.

You will not get full takeup for all 5 nights and will just have to swallow that cost but as everything else is so low-key that shouldn't be a problem. Do not for a moment make much as a murmer about this cost or make the slightest suggestion that uncle Ralph deciding to only stay over one night and combine the event with visiting an old friend in Preston has "cost you" money. All your guests must feel free to make the plans that work for them entirely free of obligation and no one pays the bride & groom to go to a wedding, and only the b&g parents contribute to the event. Everyone else only has to worry about their clothes and travel and maybe the cost to stay over a night or two if they want to and have the available annual leave.

PositiveVibez · 31/08/2019 08:36

No way on this EARTH I would be holed up with someone else's family for 5 days. With the wedding, the hen do the party etc, it would be way too intense. And then to be asked to pay for the privilege! Nah. Not a chance.

Would be happy to stay the night of the wedding, possibly the night before, but that would be the limit.

Also are you saying you would be making food for everyone? On you wedding day? Or breakfast the morning after?

Sounds like a bad idea all round.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 08:37

@Since2016 I'm not just 'expecting' people to give up their time. This is less time than hen/stag discussed and time spent at previous wedding venue put together.

The entire party would be as follows- myself and DH, MIL and FIL, SIL1 and DH, SIL2 and DH, GIL, Best Man, Maid of Honour and DH (also close to my DH). So, yes, very close family and friends whom we see on an almost daily basis. We go on a family break every year anyway, and each couple pays for their stay, so I saw this as a way to make a getaway that little more special I guess.

Paying for accommodation for the 5 nights is the way forward then, thank you for your input😊

OP posts:
EscapeTheOrdinary · 31/08/2019 08:38

You can put the idea out there but you need to be prepared for people not to come. We got married abroad (not a hot designation though) and prepared for everyone to say they were not coming. We were surprised by how many did but there were some very close family who could not come.

Grasspigeons · 31/08/2019 08:39

The thing about 'no pressure' is there is really. I have had two relatives organise holiday weddings and i really wanted to see them get married as i loved them and the only way to do that was to spend a money that i didnt really have. And deep down, do you really not care if they come or not. If you dont really care if they are there then its not that nice to ask them to pay.

That said - in your instance you need to avoid two people ruining the day and combining stags and hens and reducing the amount of overall time / money sounds like a good idea. I just wonder if it can be done over 4 nights?

EL8888 · 31/08/2019 08:40

You are being unreasonable lm afraid. Can’t you pay for your own wedding, rather than expecting other people to pay for it. Personally if l had to pay for it then l would want input into where and when. For example l have been to the Lake District lots so not there. I wouldn’t be able to spare 5 days leave due to other commitments, until July or August 2020 at the very earliest

DoomsdayCult · 31/08/2019 08:40

YABU- you cant ask guests to pay for your wedding.

Besides, why would you get a massive Air BnB for 12 people? You should pay for wedding, plus accommodation for just the two of you.

If your guests want to spend few days in Lake District, they can arrange own accommodation.

BlackCatSleeping · 31/08/2019 08:40

Is there a reason you are asking us what we think? Smile

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/08/2019 08:41

5 nights in the UK in one communal house is very different from going abroad to say a hotel with guaranteed weather, housekeeping and variety of food cooked for you.
I honestly think a Friday- Sunday would be plenty and yes you should pay for the accommodation

CheshireDing · 31/08/2019 08:43

YABU

I wouldn't want to go on holiday with someone else's Parents (and pay for it) Hmm

itsabongthing · 31/08/2019 08:43

Yes totally agree that you should pay.
Otherwise it would get really messy with some people dropping out or not staying the whole time which would increase others’ share.
Plus surely if you were looking at abroad weddings or a large venue, this £2K is much less in comparison.

I actually think it’s a lovely idea to say “this is where we’re doing it, this is where we can all stay, come for as long or short as you like/can”.
Good luck!

WaterSheep · 31/08/2019 08:43

I suspect the rest of this thread will now be people telling the OP to pay for accommodation, despite her recent update saying she is going to do exactly this.

rookiemere · 31/08/2019 08:43

I love the Lake District OP so I'd be happy to come Smile. A Lake District property with a hot tub is a rare thing indeed - may I ask whereabouts it is ?

I think as your guest list is so small you just need to ask people, definitely say that you aren't expecting any wedding gifts.

gingersausage · 31/08/2019 08:44

I’m slightly confused by the outrage.

People on MN go on holiday in groups with friends and/or family all the time. It’s my idea of hell, but it seems perfectly normal on here. They pay for their share of accommodation, food etc.

People go on hen or stag weekends all the time.

All this seems to be is a combination of the two with a wedding ceremony stuck on the end. If it was arranged over a weekend, it would only “cost” 3 days annual leave for most people, which is hardly demanding.

Honestly I think some people just look to be offended by anything.

mamaraah · 31/08/2019 08:44

Sorry but yabu.
I once turned down attending a wedding for similar reasons and a first holy communion that expected invitees to pay for their own meal afterwards.
I just consider those People who want everything from their wedding and expect guests to pay twords it as taking the piss.