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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:
WaterSheep · 31/08/2019 09:02

Based on the thread title alone, YABVU and a Cheeky Fucker (CF) but reading all the details, it seems entirely different.

Ah but SoupDragon when do people bother to read the thread. Grin Heck some posters don't even keep up with the OPs updates.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:03

@TestingTestingWonTooFree thank you😂! I had no idea, trying to figure it out and Google had other ideas aha.

OP posts:
TheSoapyFrog · 31/08/2019 09:04

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask and find out what the general consensus is. For an easy life I'd pay for it all. Some people may not want to stay all 5 days, just 1 so you'd have to reduce for them and it will increase for the others. I couldn't spend 5 days there even if it was paid for.

Atalune · 31/08/2019 09:06

Op

Aibu? I don’t think I am.

universe YABU!

op la la la I can’t hear you!

Grin
jamoncrumpet · 31/08/2019 09:08

My sister made me do this and I still resent her for it.

WaterSheep · 31/08/2019 09:08

Atalune

Have you read the thread? No where has the OP dismissed those saying YABU. In fact she has agreed with them, in that paying for the accommodation is the way forward.

Confused
EdnaAdaSmith · 31/08/2019 09:09

Atalune that isn't actually quite how this one has gone, if you read the entire thread.

Flyingarcher · 31/08/2019 09:09

You are very close to these people so just ask them. If people work during the week then actually it's only two days out of leave ( if they return on the Tuesday) so not five days that seems to get people. A colleague of mine has just done this for a week but abroad and it was fab, by all accounts. I can't see why people close to you wouldn't fork out some or all of their accommodation costs especially as you are paying for travel and not expecting a gift and providing food. Sounds good to me. If someone ( like the partners of the siblings) has to go back to work or arrive later, then they can. The Lake District is beautiful. These are all really close people to the poster, not random relatives that you see only at weddings or funerals or friends you grew up with but now don't see that often, they are key people in the lives of this couple.

OP - just ask them and then do it if the response seems genuinely positive.

SleepIsForTheWeeak · 31/08/2019 09:10

5 days to get married? Can't you just go for a weekend? You can't expect people to pay that amount, that's a lot for the pleasure of attending someone else's wedding. If you are having a cheap wedding you should be paying for everything I think.

My husband was best man at a wedding last year we paid £120 for the hotel the night before and £270 for 1 night at the venue (we refused to pay £540 for 2 nights at the venue!), as my husband was best man we felt backed into a corner, so had to do it. That stung! I'd not be happy paying money to sub someone else's wedding week though and who has 5 days annual leave to spare?

Buyitinbamboo · 31/08/2019 09:11

I think this is fine if you pay the accommodation and state that you'll pay for 5 days and people can just come for however long they want. You must be saving at least that by not having the big wedding anyway

31RueCambon75001 · 31/08/2019 09:12

As Middleclassproblem says, on the surface it's a frighteningly cheeky thing to ask, but you know the people involved.

Tread carefully.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:13

@SoupDragon I think when even I read the title myself I'm thinking I sound like CF too, and I wrote it. It didn't sound too bad when I wrote it, but hey ho, it is what it is!

I'd agree that I'm a CF if I said I expect people to pay for it, but I don't. For anyone who doesn't want to read the entire post, this is a breakdown:

Wedding party of 12, all happy to pay for Fri-Mon stag/hen do, plus separate two nights/three days at wedding venue at home.
However, we want to get married elsewhere and would pay for travel, full five days of food, drink and entertainment, wedding venue (obviously, it's our wedding day) inc. all drinks, canapes and 4 course meal. Wanted to know whether guests just paying for just accommodation WBU. No pressure for them to pay, haven't said it was 'all or nothing', just an idea.

OP posts:
noeyedeer · 31/08/2019 09:14

I honestly don't think it's a terrible idea, but I'd do it this way:

You pay for the accommodation and outline plans re stag/hen and wedding.

Make it clear that guests can choose how long they stay and that if they'd prefer not to stay in the house with you X accommodation near by is available.

If they'd like to contribute to cost of house it's £x per night.

Stoic123 · 31/08/2019 09:14

If everyone is very close and gets on well then could be lovely. As PPs have said, you do need to sound people out about the 5 days in a very tentative way (make sure they feel very comfortable saying no/expressing concerns). I would love this but only with sibling or my very closest friends.

In terms of the money, it’s good value if a) people really would want to to do this and b) they can afford it. If you are close then you may have an idea of financial situation (or can gauge from responses) - be prepared to subsidise where needed.

It’s neither straightforward YABU or YANBU- totally depends on the folks involved. Group is small- talk to them.

SoyDora · 31/08/2019 09:14

What do they all do that they have no annual leave to consider?! I want that sort of job.
Anyway OP you know them best, so if you think they’ll be happy to do it then speak to them.
Personally if it was me I’d try my hardest to fund their stay and also to give people the option of coming for less time. When we planned our wedding the key consideration was putting people out/costing our guests as little as possible.

CottonSock · 31/08/2019 09:15

I'd be happy to pay a contribution, but I'd probably prepare yourself to be able to cover it if no payments offered. A lot of them may stay a shorter time.

justjuggling · 31/08/2019 09:18

Sounds like you’re all close and will have a lovely time but I think you should pay for the accommodation definitely. I wouldn’t be willing to take a weeks A/L for a wedding but hopefully your guests won’t mind. Have a fab time!

Jaffacakebeast · 31/08/2019 09:20

Another grabby bride to be thread! Boring. Your wedding, your cost. I’d decline your invite even if I wasn’t expected to pay, 5 days is a joke.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:21

@SoyDora We all work in varying industries and set at least 7 days of annual leave each year for a family getaway- this was my way of just making a family get-together that little more special. Best Man and Maid of Honour are happy to spend time with us all for that duration as they're also close with family

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:21

@Jaffacakebeast you clearly haven't read my thread, but ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 09:22

@Atalune Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my la la la's.

OP posts:
BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 31/08/2019 09:24

It’s appropriate for you to pay costs but I think five nights is a big ask. I would make it clear that guests are welcome to join you for the full event or just for the nights either side of the wedding if they prefer.

SoyDora · 31/08/2019 09:24

We all work in varying industries and set at least 7 days of annual leave each year for a family getaway- this was my way of just making a family get-together that little more special. Best Man and Maid of Honour are happy to spend time with us all for that duration as they're also close with family

Then you’ve answered your own question really. You know them, we don’t. You know the dynamics of the group and their circumstances. If you think they’ll be happy to do it, then ask them.
The only thing is they might want to use that 7 days annual leave they’ve put aside to go somewhere of their choosing.

madeyemoodysmum · 31/08/2019 09:27

No you need to pay Sorry.

Sooverthemill · 31/08/2019 09:29

Given your update then maybe it's okay but do you want people drunk and bleary eyed on your wedding day? I know I'm old and bitter but the fuss people make about weddings these days amazes me. It's commitment made between two people in front of friends and relatives. You don't need 'destination ' events to do that. And spend the money saved on a nice honeymoon and out the rest towards something else. I was once invited to a wedding abroad where the bride came from that country. We could afford to go unless it was our main holiday and tbh it wasn't anywhere we wanted to use annual leave for. Your friends might be different. Talk to your friends

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