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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married away from home, and to ask guests to contribute?

349 replies

OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 07:52

Previously posted regarding not wanting DSis and DM at wedding, so I guess this is some sort of continuation.
DH(to be!) and I sat down last night and talked about what we really want to do for our wedding. We booked a big venue already, but we just don't want the whole shebang because we're fairly low-key people and it's just not us. Each option we considered ended up falling back on how DSis and DM would find a way to ruin it. Regarding going abroad, I don't do well in warm climates so regular wedding destinations wouldn't be suitable, and as well as that we want DH's grandfather there and I doubt he'd be able to go abroad after recent health issues.

Last night I ended up looking at the Lake District. It's somewhere we said we always wanted to go together, and have found a beautiful venue that caters for intimate weddings of 6-30 people (we have 12 inc. us).
There's an Airbnb 5 minutes from the venue that would host all 12 of us for 5 nights for around £2,000 inc. pool, hot tub and parking. The more we talked about it, the more it felt like 'us' and not once during this discussion did we feel worried about, or even mention, the ways in which DSis or DM could ruin the day.

Aibu to proceed with booking a wedding away from home for these reasons?
Also, WIBU to discuss with our guests about contributing towards the Airbnb? We'd pay for the wedding venue, drinks, food and whatnot for the entire 5 days (it works out at £337.50 per couple for the stay). The guests are all DH's immediate family (with the exception of best man, maid of honour and her partner), no children.

TIA.

OP posts:
tinyvulture · 31/08/2019 08:14

With Roy? With you! (Perhaps they would also go with Roy - who can say......)

Redglitter · 31/08/2019 08:14

Theres a big difference between people saying they're happy to go abroad and to spending 5 days in the Lake District.

Theres no way I'd pay the best part of £400 for a 5 day wedding in this country

Todaythiscouldbe · 31/08/2019 08:15

You can ask but I think you're being a bit cheeky! You already had a stag and hen that have, presumably, cost a fair bit, now you want people to pay out more money.
We don't know the people, only you do, but I'd decline if asked.

Gillyhicks · 31/08/2019 08:15

Also even if you think that’s a reasonable amount for your guests to pay for your wedding, when some guests drop out it will raise the amount for everyone else. It’s far too much money to ask people to pay.

I think you’ve got in your head that you don’t want a big wedding where you live, but you could still find a small wedding venue there? Or a registry office and then a nice village hall? Or a nice restaurant?

BendingSpoons · 31/08/2019 08:15

I would be ok with this for my sibling's wedding. As you only have 12 guests, they are obviously close.

Rubicon80 · 31/08/2019 08:16

I've not said at all that I 'expect' anyone to pay, I've simply asked if it would be unreasonable to ask friends and family to pay for own accommodation whilst we cover the travel cost, food, drink, entertainment and everything else for the entire stay.

And you've had a near-unanimous response: yes, it would be unreasonable.

Are you going to take that on board?

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 31/08/2019 08:16

No, you can’t ask people to give up 5 days holiday and pay for the air bnb.

I would accept the holiday home hire as part of your wedding costs and then just tell guests they’re welcome to stay there for as many days as they’re able to. It’s still a lot cheaper than a big fussy wedding.

Obviously you’d have to pay for wedding venue food and drinks, but I think it would be reasonable for guests to contribute to food and drinks for their part of the house stay.

It sounds like a lovely plan for a wedding.

Merryoldgoat · 31/08/2019 08:16

Look OP - it’s only 12 people:

Send a group email saying what you want to do, timings, costs etc and say it’s very much ‘planning stage’ and you’re getting a feel for how it would be received.

Ask them to reply just to you so it’s private, ask them to be completely honest and then make your decision.

The problem with these threads is there is no background. Maybe the 12 guests are people you see weekly, you’ve all been together and discussed going away for 5 days excitedly - great!

All I’m saying is I wouldn’t want to (regardless of children) - I don’t like being with people for that long without a break.

ElleDriver · 31/08/2019 08:16

The op has said that people are happy to go away for 5 days so that's not really an issue. I don't personally believe that people should have to be out of pocket to attend a wedding. But having said that I've been to many weddings where I've had to pay for a hotel afterwards and never questioned it.

In the ops case I would probably look to scale back the time spent in the Lake District but I probably would expect the guests to contribute a little towards their accommodation.

maras2 · 31/08/2019 08:18

5 days nuptial celebrations Shock
I'm ready to go home after 5 hours.
You ABVVU.

nononever · 31/08/2019 08:18

Personally it would be my idea of hell but if your guests are happy with the idea then go for it, but pay for the accommodation. There are plenty of places you can get married abroad where you won't have to suffer the heat. Iceland, for example, is a beautiful destination to get married.

Apolloanddaphne · 31/08/2019 08:18

We went for four nights to my nieces wedding. The venue was a castle with self catering accommodation on site. Loads of us went for the week. Monday to Friday with the wedding on the Wednesday. We all paid for our own accommodation and brought food. They obviously paid for all the wedding costs. It was fantastic. The venue was only an hour from my home but it was such fun having all the friends and family together. We had two years to prepare so knew well in advance what the costs were going to be. It didn't feel like the bridal party were being cheeky at all.

peachypetite · 31/08/2019 08:19

Are you not going to acknowledge any of the other points people have made? Why can’t you pay for it, surely you’d have spent a lot more on a big venue etc for loads of people. Don’t be cheeky.

RosemarysBush · 31/08/2019 08:20

I don’t think YABU. At least, yanbu to ask everyone what they think of the idea. It’s a small group so presumably you’re all quite close? It sounds lovely to me. If my best friend/ sister suggested it to me I’d be up for it definitely. My friends/ family have never had much money so sometimes you have to club together to ensure everyone has a nice time.

FrancisCrawford · 31/08/2019 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaterSheep · 31/08/2019 08:22

Is it really cheeky to ask guests to pay for their accommodation? This thread is eye opening. I've never been to a wedding which has included free accommodation.

Griefmonster · 31/08/2019 08:22

I have been guest at a very similar wedding. Bride and Groom paid for the accomodation and gave everyone option of how long to stay. I don't think you ask them to pay as that then effectively ties them in to staying for the full duration or subsidising others stay.

It may be reasonable (if you are all in a similar position financially and have a reasonable amount of disposable income) to ask people to make a contribution to accomodation per night they stay (and giving them the option to get their own if they wish).

But I don't think it's polite to ask guests to pay for your wedding as directly as you are suggesting here. But as a PP said, you know them better than us!

gingerginger2 · 31/08/2019 08:23

Why don’t you book the place for the whole time, and just invite people for 1-2 nights? ( hen/stag and wedding) and then let people choose whether they want to stay longer?
For me it’d be more about the time than the money. All our annual leave is accounted for with our own holidays and childcare. I wouldn’t relish you expecting me to use some of your wedding. I’d appreciate the choice.

Original poster
OrangeAeroBubbles · 31/08/2019 08:23

@todaythiscouldbe we haven't had a hen or stag, if you read my previous comment you'll see that this would include those celebrations during the stay.

Best Man and Maid of Honour are quite cosy with DH's family, but I guess asking them if they're happy to spend 5 nights with them is the only way to find out whether they want to.

There's absolutely no pressure on any of our guests to go, or to pay even. We don't want gifts (I see that was mentioned in an above comment, but we have our own home and would pay for our honeymoon elsewhere) and our guests have told us that they're happy to go away Fri-Mon for hen and stag, and stay overnight before and after wedding at venue at home that we'd already booked (so another three day stay). This way, this is actually less money than they were already willing to pay, and less time.

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 31/08/2019 08:23

I am going to be a voice in the wilderness here and say that I would love to attend a wedding like this with close family and think the cost is v reasonable . But I agree that you should sound people out first and be prepared to pay the whole bill because 2000 for a wedding is v cheap anyway.

FrancisCrawford · 31/08/2019 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackCatSleeping · 31/08/2019 08:23

An Air B&B for 5 nights with family is quite hard going for most people. Completely different from staying a hotel.

Also, the fewer people who go, the more expensive it gets.

How about a weekend somewhere? Stay at a hotel or B&B, so people can have their own space and privacy.

Since2016 · 31/08/2019 08:24

YABVU. I remember a friends wedding a few years ago. Hired a huge house miles away and then charged people to stay in it, to cover the hire costs, and then got miffed when people didn’t want to / didn’t want to give up 4 days for the privilege. We also then got asked to bring booze.

Maybe maybe for one of my sisters - but 5 days? Not for anyone sorry. And asking people to pay is outrageous imo.

sorrythisusernameistaken · 31/08/2019 08:25

Id actually be okay with this! 5 nights is a really long time but if it was my sister I'd deff go! Wouldn't for a cousin but that's just cos I'm not that close to them. It sounds fun with the pool and hot tub!

elvis86 · 31/08/2019 08:27

I don't sign up to a lot of the MN rules about weddings (mustn't involve any travel or any expense for any guest etc), but I think this is a bit much.

5 days is a long time, and £337 per couple is a lot more than most people would anticipate spending on accomodation to attend a wedding (given that generally you'd pay for one night in a hotel).

The idea sounds lovely though - we had a weekend wedding in the Lakes and it was fantastic. Lots of our friends did end up making a little break of it, and had a great time. Lots of people on here seem horrified by the idea of a break away to celebrate with friends, but in our experience IRL people loved it.

Could you invite them to stay with you the night before and the night after the wedding, saying you can arrange accommodation at £33pppn (or a subsidised rate)? Then you pay the rest and make it clear that they're very welcome to make a longer break of it if they'd like to (at your expense)?

This is what we did. We were clear that people were free to make their own arrangements and supplied a list of local accomodation (we had 100 guests, and could only offer subsidised accommodation to about 20). But everyone took up our offer - it was much cheaper than local accommodation and much nicer.

We were totally prepared for people to decline though - I think you have to be. If you can only afford this wedding if they all l agree to split the cost of the accommodation, then I don't think you should be doing it.