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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 28/08/2019 12:42

Leave it.
Doesn’t sound like she’ll be missed.
Bit of an over reaction crying!

Madfrogs · 28/08/2019 12:42

Leave it. She doesn’t want to come. You may find the demands via your brother where an excuse to get out of it anyway. She doesn’t know you and you don’t know her.

I’d love to have the balls to decline an in law wedding invite.

Horatioroses · 28/08/2019 12:43

Look you know you're not wrong. It's not the norm to meet you sil or bil's family unless as you say you live nearby. So I don't think that's a sign of a poor relationship. But it's absolutely not the done thing to invite random distant relations by marriage to your wedding. Just be glad she hasn't tried to stop your brother from coming.

KatharinaRosalie · 28/08/2019 12:44

If she really declined because you didn't invite her family then she's a cow and it's only positive you don't have her there, ruining your day.

Nautiloid · 28/08/2019 12:45

I think wanting to being her family was utterly ridiculous.

I can understand why she feels left out of the wedding party itself, though I can see your point of view too.

Just leave it at this stage.

Billballbaggins · 28/08/2019 12:45

Does it actually matter why she isn’t coming? Why do you actually care that she’s declined?

RhodaDendron · 28/08/2019 12:45

It’s ridiculous of her /your DB to expect to bring any family at all in that situation.
The bridesmaid thing is a bit different - I can see your reasons for doing that but most people I know tend to do ‘natural groups’ for bridesmaids, eg all school friends or sisters only, so I can see that she might be a bit sad to be left out, even though your reasons aren’t malicious. However it’s one of those things and you’d hope she’d get over it/ understand it for the sake of the bigger event.

Nautiloid · 28/08/2019 12:45

Bring her family

Chupchup · 28/08/2019 12:45

She's done you a favour.

Userzzzzz · 28/08/2019 12:46

That is bonkers. I did invite my sister’s parent in-laws as I knew them quite well having seen them at various occasions over the years. We didn’t invite my SIL’s parents as we just didn’tknow them and vice versa. There is no way I would have invited 11 of my BIL’s family despite being closer. Surely no one would be self/centred enough to expect that.

Star81 · 28/08/2019 12:47

I would not have expected you to invite people you didn’t know - how odd ! Although I have met my sister in laws family it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to even invite them to our wedding.

With regards to wanting a role in it, again a strange one to want to be so involved in a life event of someone you don’t really know and it’s not as if they are even married and she is a sister in law.

I think the best thing to do is step back and let it go. Your brother is coming and that’s the main thing. Sounds to me as if his girlfriend wants drama around her declined initiation and I just wouldn’t allow her that drama.

Jog22 · 28/08/2019 12:49

Just remember your wedding is about you and your partner and what you want. It sounds like it's stressing you out, sorry you are so upset. It's not your fault. I don't see any reason why your mother shouldn't try and speak to this brother, perhaps she can explain better why it rationally doesn't make sense - financial or emotional - to invite 11 people you don't know to your wedding. Best wishes to you, hope all the other arrangements are going ok.

100timewforgotten · 28/08/2019 12:50

I remember your previous thread, your partner is right just leave it now. The only person that matters is your brother who is attending. Enjoy your day.

augustagain · 28/08/2019 12:51

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them

This is your prerogative.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation

This is her prerogative.

mbosnz · 28/08/2019 12:52

I can understand why you're upset, as much as anything, it's so stressful planning a wedding and there's always people that are ridiculous in their requests and expectations and seem to forget that it's not actually all about them!

I would leave it. Quite frankly, I think any response would be seen and used as a way to open up hostilities, so perhaps best not to give the opportunity.

Topsecretidentity · 28/08/2019 12:52

It's ridiculous that she expected her family to be invited.

I think it's off that you have given roles to your other two SILs and not her. I know the majority of responses on here will say you can have whoever you like as bridesmaids but I personally think leaving her out is mean. You could've asked her to do a reading - I'm sure a small gesture like that would've meant a lot to her as I imagine she feels left out of your family dynamics through no fault of her own (only distance).

What's done is done. Her reaction is OTT but it's as much her right to decline the invite as it is your right to decide what role you wanted her to have in your wedding.

PurpleDaisies · 28/08/2019 12:52

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation

This is her prerogative.

Well yes, but she’s not a total random. She will know it will hurt her relationship with the op.

NotStayingIn · 28/08/2019 12:54

God this is bonkers, sorry you have to deal with this OP.

If I was her family and I received an invite to a wedding from someone I had never even met I would have thought you were mental! And desperate for guests.

You’ve done nothing wrong. As you’ve already explained why you made your decision I would just leave it. Don’t hold a grudge, try and just forget about it and move on. Flowers

flouncyfanny · 28/08/2019 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/08/2019 12:54

Really weird that she expected her family to be invited to your wedding, I wouldn't mention it though, that would make her think she has some sort of a point and she really doesn't

TerribleCustomerCervix · 28/08/2019 12:55

Was she trying to use your wedding as an opportunity for your family to meet hers, without her having to bother organising anything/ paying for it?

Missingstreetlife · 28/08/2019 12:55

12 times in 4 years is quite a lot if they don't live near. I would have given her a role, bridesmaid even. No reason to invite her family.
It's done now, move on.

Sorrysorrysosorry · 28/08/2019 12:58

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3631066-Wedding-invitations-to-in-laws-in-laws

Odd your brother &SIL think that they should be invited. Also odd that people who don’t know you would want to even go to your wedding.

Henrysnoopy · 28/08/2019 13:01

The family coming is ott and I wouldn't invite them however having you're brothers partners involved and not her seems like a snub like you dont see her part of the family like pp said you could ask her to do a reading.

Benidictius · 28/08/2019 13:01

You hardly know her. Your brother is coming. I really don't understand why you are upset she isn't coming. Sounds like a win all round.

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