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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
elvis86 · 28/08/2019 15:05

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt - what a load of crap. I had 100 people at my wedding and only 4 bridesmaids / ushers. I didn't expect the other 98 people to turn down their invitations because they'd have liked to have been bridesmaids / ushers and weren't asked.

It's totally pathetic and just makes her look like a total dick.

As for tossing her a bone and inviting her parents - why?! If she feels that she's so close to the OP that she fully expected to be her bridesmaid, why on earth does she need her own parents there to hold her hand?

elvis86 · 28/08/2019 15:10

MyNewBearTotoro - where in the rules does it say that anyone who you don't ask to be a bridesmaid you "don't know or don't like"..? Confused

Isn't it just that you choose people who are particularly close to you. I.e. not someone you've met a handful of times?

Honestly some people are total beg-a-friends walking around looking to be offended or snubbed.

Nancydrawn · 28/08/2019 15:15

The family thing is batty and is easily ignorable.

The role in the wedding thing is thoughtless on your part.

This is a moment to build your family out. You're all going to be sisters-in-law and presumably at family gatherings, holidays, and ceremonies for many decades. You're looking at the past, not the future, in putting together your wedding.

You've made it very clear to her that you consider two of your sisters in law to be important and her to be unimportant. I'm not sure why you think this would make her eager to come to the wedding. It's not about wanting to be a bridesmaid, it's about being the obvious exclusion from a category wherein everyone else in that category is included. As if you invited nine cousins to do something and left only one cousin out.

This would have been a wonderful way to show that you're all part of one big family now. It's too bad it's done the opposite.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 28/08/2019 15:18

@elvis86 that's not at all what I said. Just that I can see why she might have felt left out and declined as a result. Which she is entitled to do.

I am getting married soon - one of my two sisters is in a long term relationship and the other isn't. I am certainly not going to leave my sister's newer boyfriend off the list because I don't know him as well as the other -- because she's important to me and I want her to enjoy our day. Despite the only other people invited being our immediate family.

The OP could have thought about her brother and SIL's feelings and avoided this. It's one day vs a lifetime of family upset.

DawgLover · 28/08/2019 15:20

I might be in the minority but do those saying the OP has met the girlfriend many times honestly think 12 meetings is close enough to be bridesmaid material?

I think it would have been kind to offer her a role in the wedding to include her, but my bridesmaids would be someone I would describe as a close friend.

Also, asking you to increase the guests by 20% is madness.

You are absolutely reasonable to refuse the extra guests and the bridesmaid role, but I think this could have been handled a little better in hindsight. Perhaps by giving her some sort of role, and not leaving her to find out about the bridesmaid situation simply by overhearing another conversation.

Original poster
ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 15:25

Sister-in-law 1's family is mother and father and sibling
Sister-in-law 2's family is mother, father, two siblings, two siblings-in -law and two children and one baby. One of the siblings was at school with me.
This sister-in-law, has (we have not met any of them) two parents, two step-parents, two siblings-in-law and three children.
Sister-in-law made assumption all families were invited when she realised other sisters-in-law's were. However, it was only brother and not her that there was an explicit conversation with seven weeks ago.

OP posts:
Cacacoisfarraige · 28/08/2019 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButterflyOne1 · 28/08/2019 15:30

Honestly it's best left. Weddings bring out the worst in people. I'm glad your brother has accepted. Just enjoy him sharing your special day.

I bet any money this DSiL isn't married to your Brother?

CookPassBabtridge · 28/08/2019 15:30

Expecting you to invite her family is ridiculous, tis weird to invite siblings inlaws at all unless they are you're own friends.
So yeah that's just odd!
But I would give the sister in law an equal role in the wedding as your other sisters in law. You've met her 12 times in 4 years which is a lot! 3 times a year.

RightYesButNo · 28/08/2019 15:31

I would leave it at this point, and for very good reasons. Be glad your brother is coming. You cant go back in time, you were absolutely right not to let 11 people you don’t know come to a 50-person wedding (that was insane) and not to make a person you’ve only met a few times a bridesmaid. If she’s not adult enough to accept this, that’s fine. If you do call your brother and start the the begging dance to coax her into coming or worse yet, go backwards and give her a job in the wedding at this point, she may take it because your brother might force her to, and then she’ll be miserable the whole day, and sit there with a cat’s bum face. She’s made a choice; I’d say just leave it alone now. I’m not saying this in a petty way but in an honest way: if someone doesn’t want to come, you don’t want them to be there. They won’t be happy, and they’ll end up sucking extra happiness out of it.

tabulahrasa · 28/08/2019 15:37

“This sister-in-law, has (we have not met any of them) two parents, two step-parents, two siblings-in-law and three children.”

Three children? Her children?...

GreenTulips · 28/08/2019 15:38

I find it strange that they even know the guest list!

I get an invite, accept and rock up!! Who goes into detail?

SleepWarrior · 28/08/2019 15:41

Hmm, if she just made an erroneous assumption because you seemed to be inviting all extended families (as opposed to an entitled/cheeky assumption) then she might just be feeling bloody embarrassed at her mistake! I probably would be trying myself inside out with cringing at myself and not want to show my face.

Rezie · 28/08/2019 15:45

I can kinda of see why she is upset. You are having other sister in laws as bridesmaids and inviting their families. People tend to assume that guests are invited in circles and 'same level' guests are invited. So I can understand that she is feeling a bit of an outsider. Your brother is still coming which is nice. There is no need for you to invite her family or have her as a bridesmaid but she made her own conclusions based on that. And it is ok. You see her a few times a year so I'm sure everything will be fine.

InvernessAdventure · 28/08/2019 15:45

You see I have essentially treated her differently to two women who are of the same relation to me but obviously because of geography and circumstances I know so much better.

Well, that's the way it's likely to stay now, isn't it. I'm in the bemused camp too. You've seen her on average every 3 months for 4 years, you like her, she's in a serious, committed relationship with a brother you're 'terrified' of falling out with, and you're crying at the thought of her not coming. So, it would have been better not to snub her really, wouldn't it.

I didn't read your other thread so maybe I'm missing some backstory or relevant details, but do I understand from your update that she also has 3 children? If these are your DB's stepchildren, I would also say yabvu not to invite them too, given that other children are coming.

Dry your eyes, OP. Call your brother, apologise for being a dick (taking dick advice from MN?) and ask if she'll reconsider.

coconuttelegraph · 28/08/2019 15:46

Don't waste any more of your energy crying and stressing about it, if she doesn't want to come for whatever reason that's up to her, leave her be and what ever you do don't back down and pander to her childishness

mum11970 · 28/08/2019 15:48

Is your brother in the wedding party and sitting with everyone at the top table whilst his gf will be left sat on her own at a table with a lot of strangers? If this is the case, I can probably understand why she has declined the invitation as she will probably be left on her own from arrival at the church, up until the evening do.
Think this is more about being the only one left out of the actual wedding party, rather than her family not being invited. You even said yourself that your brother saw your point of view about her family when you pointed out they were complete strangers.

Lauralouu · 28/08/2019 15:52

Inviting the family would be so odd, they would just go off into their own corner any way since they don't know anyone. It would be a bit annoying if your brother ended up sticking with them for the wedding if he felt sorry for them....
I don't see any issue with her not being in the wedding at all. Think of getting ready and other bridesmaid duties, she isn't going to be able to mingle well since she doesn't even know you..the bride..that well! YANBU

Morgan12 · 28/08/2019 15:53

Awk that's rubbish of you to have the other 2 and not her. Should be all of them or none of them.

Onceuponacheesecake · 28/08/2019 15:55

I don't understand why people are saying 12 times to meet her is a lot?? All weddings I've been to have only had childhood / best friends or close family as bridesmaids. OP isn't close to her SIL and doesn't feel like she knows her. She has asked people who she is actually close to who happen to be her SILs. Other SIL is nuts if she thinks there's more to it than that.

Kaddm · 28/08/2019 15:57

I agree with pps just leave it. I wouldn’t text brother either. If it comes to it and he’s forced to choose between wife and sister, he has to choose wife.

makingmammaries · 28/08/2019 16:03

OP, if it upsets you that much, call, apologize, offer her a role and invite selected members of her family. If the 3 DCs are hers they should be invited. Otherwise, you could invite the parents and step-parents.

Myriade · 28/08/2019 16:07

I have to say, I can see why you have invitted some of the IL of your siblings.
I can also see why your other SIL reacted the way she is and is thinking she is treated differently.

I think this should have been discuss a while ago both with her and your brother.

It is also possible that more efforts could have bene done (on both sides) to actually meet up and make her feel like she is part of the family.

I would talk with both f them. Not by text etc...but face to face and explain why you have invitted the rest of the sibbloings ILs. (Im expecting something like 'I invitted sibling1 PIL because we actually have the same hobby/see eah other at xxx' etc.... rather than a vague 'Ive had the opportunity to meet them a few times' aka you hve a real reason for that connexion bar the fact they are your sibling ILs)

Myriade · 28/08/2019 16:07

And YY, if the 3 dcs are hers, they certainly should have been invitted!!

sonjadog · 28/08/2019 16:09

I can see why she has declined. It has been made clear from including the other two sisters-in-law and not her, and including their families but no-one from hers, that you don't consider her all that important in your family. Meeting someone 12 times in 4 years is actually quite a lot when they don't live nearby. Families grow and bond through events like weddings, excluding her like this may mean you have cut off the chance to grow closer to them in future. I would reconsider if I were you.

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