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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
SuzieQ10 · 28/08/2019 13:30

Leave it. It's not really a huge deal if someone you rarely see isn't coming to your wedding. Your brother is attending without his partner. She's chosen not to come, you invited her so don't worry about it. At least they RSVP'd properly and it wasn't a last min cancellation.

verticality · 28/08/2019 13:31

I don't understand why on earth she would expect her family, who are complete strangers to you, to be at your wedding. It's deeply unreasonable. I think you dodged a bullet in her declining your invitation, to be honest.

TixieLix · 28/08/2019 13:31

I agree with @Topsecretidentity

She was wrong to expect you to invite any of her side of the family. Who would they even know at the event apart from their daughter?

With regards to the bridal party though, I personally would have included her if you're involving the other two SILs. It's only distance that have made visits infrequent and she's been with your brother for three years, so not a new girlfriend. Including her in some way, if only having her do a reading, would have made her feel more like part of the family.

Windydaysuponus · 28/08/2019 13:31

Hooray! A space for a pleasant guest now!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/08/2019 13:31

Leave it, definitely.

She's under no obligation to come, despite being your brother's partner - and YOU are under absolutely ZERO obligation to invite ANY of her family, especially 11 other members!! What a bloody cheek that she even expected that to be ok!

She's not made much effort so far to be part of your family, so I think this is just par for the course, really.

It's sad, it's a shame and I think it would be fine to express that to your brother ("sorry SIL isn't coming, would have liked her to have been there") but no more than that.

Ciara1234456 · 28/08/2019 13:31

I refused to go to my husbands sisters wedding because she had invited his psycho ex girlfriend who was a completely manipulative person and used to emotionally blackmail my dh to stay with her. I had never met her but was around when he would get phone calls from her and she would try and lure him back in. My dhs sister chose to have her there and told her brother not to come either. I said to dh you do whatever you like but out of principle I will not be around someone who I know used to lie to you and emotionally manipulate you to your detriment. Sister in law told him not to come either and it caused a huge rift she stopped talking to us completely so these things can have after effects. I say you should accept that he is coming to ensure your relationship with him remains positive.

SandyY2K · 28/08/2019 13:33

You were under no obligation to give her a bridesmaid role or invite 11 people you don't know.

If she's getting sulky about that, then tough.

Just enjoy your day with friends and family.

Would she expect that you invite 11 members of your DHs family if she was getting married?

PooWillyBumBum · 28/08/2019 13:35

I don’t see why you’d invite her family, but if you’ve only met her 12 times I also don’t understand why you’re crying about her not coming to your wedding.

SunshineCake · 28/08/2019 13:36

It may be unusual to want to have family there who aren't traditionally wedding guests, but maybe the brother wants to make his wife's family feel welcome and make new relationships. Goodness knows a lot of us could do with more friendships.

Branleuse · 28/08/2019 13:36

ultimately she has done you a favour. Your brother will still come, but now you dont have to worry about her weird requests. Its a bit of a snub, but I would try and put it out of your mind as a problem solved.

katesalwayslate · 28/08/2019 13:37

I don’t get why you’re crying if you’ve only met her 12 times in 4 years. Maybe she just didn’t want to come, it’s okay. You’re not close as you’ve said. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal and definitely no reason to cry

justmyview · 28/08/2019 13:38

If it were me I'd give her a call, let her know you appreciate she's obviously busy but you're really sorry she can't make it to the wedding and you'll miss her being there. You'd looked forward to all the family being together and had hoped to ask for her help with [whatever minor thing you could offer] on the day. You'll be able to change numbers up to X date, so just in case there's any change in her plans please text you straight away. See what she says then, maybe there's a chance to fix it by being the bigger person

Good advice from @MRex

I think YANBU to not invite 11 members of SIL's family, but YABitU to have 2 other SIL's as part of your wedding party and exclude this SIL.

GreenTulips · 28/08/2019 13:39

Does this SIL have children she wanted to bring?

Thingsthatgo · 28/08/2019 13:39

I have 3 SILs. I am very close to 2 of them, they are like extra sisters. One of them I don’t know so well, but I hope that we will become closer over the years. I would definitely not exclude one of them from the wedding party, if I had invited the other two. I think that could have been handled better. I understand not inviting your SIL’s family, but it seems a huge snub to not include her, when your other 2 SILs both have roles in the wedding.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/08/2019 13:40

I've read some of your other thread now and think this woman is being a bit silly.

You're not inviting the other SIL's families because they're the SIL's Family - you're inviting them because you know them. The fact that they happen to be related to your SILs is a bit incidental.

WHen I got married, I had my best friends' parents there too - because I'd known them forever and they were pretty much like family to me.
Other friends' parents weren't invited because I didn't know them!

I know it's not quite the same, because it's not "family" - but still.

LemonAddict · 28/08/2019 13:41

Having her as the only SIL not included at all in the wedding party, was mean. I’d have felt a bit hurt by that.

Her expecting 11 members of her family whom you’ve never met, to be invited, is bonkers.

wonderwhat · 28/08/2019 13:42

Are you from a culture where it’s expected to have +250 people including distant in laws at a wedding? If yes, then you should have included them. If not then she’s being unreasonable. How do you know she wanted her family invited if you have no contact with her? If that came from your brother then I’d say you have a brother problem. He sounds like a trouble maker and drama queen. He should have been dealing with that without you even knowing. I’d say you or your partner should contact your brother to find out the truth. None of this sounds right. My instinct would say he’s playing you and your sister in law off against each other. Has he always been a dramatist?

Original poster
ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 13:43

You see I have essentially treated her differently to two women who are of the same relation to me but obviously because of geography and circumstances I know so much better.

Because of circumstances I also know their families.

I really like her; she has never given any indication that she is high maintenance before.

I will make no distinction because she isn't actually married to my brother. That is unfair and old fashioned.

I am going to text brother tomorrow and say how sorry she is not coming and obviously if she can come room will be made for her.

I am terrified of losing my brother.

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 28/08/2019 13:45

I agree with pp. Message her accepting she has declined, tell her you are sorry she won't be there and let her know she can change her mind (within reasonable timescales) if she wants to change her mind. That puts you in charge and tells her clearly that you will not capitulate and invite her family. Ball is firmly in her court while you enjoy the run up to your wedding.

LolaSmiles · 28/08/2019 13:48

You don't have to be terrified of losing your brother OP. If you behave politely and reasonably and don't get into chasing her or engaging with the drama then it's up to him what he does as an adult.

You've invited people to the wedding who you know Vs don't know. Your wedding party is comprised of people you are close to.

If she wants to be high maintenance and create drama then let her, be calm and polite, don't run around after her or get upset. Simply say "sorry SIL can't make it, I'm looking forward to seeing you DB and if SIL plans change then she has until X date to let me know if she's coming. We'd still be happy to have her here". It's an olive branch with dignity and nobody can say you're the bad one.

femfemlicious · 28/08/2019 13:49

Yabu to be crying over this Hmm

SleepIsForTheWeeak · 28/08/2019 13:50

Crying? Just be thankful she declined and saved you the money. Invite whoever you like, it’s your wedding, why get so stressed?

DoomsdayCult · 28/08/2019 13:52

? I personally think seeing a SIL 12 times in 4 yrs is a lot for someone who does not live locally. It just sounds to me that you are prioritising local family over nonlocal family. It’s ok to do that, just be aware you are penalising brother and SIL for not living in the same town as yourself and other family members.
I personally would have treated brothers and SILs equally. If you have invited ILs of your other brothers, I would have set aside a similar number of invitations for your more distant brother’s ILs. (11 could be unreasonable, I do not know the size of your wedding). The point is to treat each of your brothers & their in-laws equally because a wedding is a family event first and foremost.

Cherrysoup · 28/08/2019 13:53

Did your brother actually ask you to invite 11 of her family? So, so weird.

Original poster
ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 13:54

I don't want to upset my brother. I think it has to be acknowledged that his partner has declined.
I cried because of not wanting to upset my brother and because I am doubting my decisions.

OP posts: