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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/08/2019 16:36

Could you ask him for her phone or to pass on the call to her?

It's possible that a heartfelt chat from you would mean the world of difference for her. Otherwise, you'll always have this hanging between you.
Maybe even ask her to the hen do, or to do something during the service, as pps suggested.

Teateaandmoretea · 29/08/2019 16:39

And in terms of 'feeling awkward'....

She has made a lot of future awkwardness. For family gatherings, her own wedding included.

Guests wouldn't think twice about analysing who the bridesmaids are. If anyone asked (unlikely) then a puzzled look and a simple 'I don't actually know the woman that well' would suffice. She may have been asked and declined anyway.

Why would anyone grown up be miffed at not being a bridesmaid for someone they have met 9 times? Confused

Teateaandmoretea · 29/08/2019 16:40

Maybe even ask her to the hen do, or to do something during the service, as pps suggested.

Up to now the OP had probably fully intended to invite her to the hen do......

Lweji · 29/08/2019 16:44

Up to now the OP had probably fully intended to invite her to the hen do......

You say this based on?

BelleSausage · 29/08/2019 17:22

She is being a diva.

I cannot believe the number of people on this thread who are supporting this woman’s attempted hijack of OPs wedding.

People get weirdly involved in these events. I had a small wedding of 30 people. We invited only close friends and family. There were some fairly traumatic circumstances around why the wedding had to be that small. And some of my aunts (who I only used to see once every couple of years) are still not talking to my mother. Some people just have a heightened sense of their own importance.

BackforGood · 29/08/2019 17:37

You know you accidentally messed up.

No she hasn't. The OP has done nothing wrong here. she's asked long standing, close friends (who happen, later in life to have become her SiLs) to be bridesmaids. That is normal behaviour.

I totally agree with @PianoTuner567 and @Teateaandmoretea . Any potential awkwardness has been created by her strop, not by anything you have done.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 29/08/2019 17:43

I'm glad your brother understands. The only thing you could have possibly done better was create a role for her, but something tells me that wouldn't have been good enough and would still have had this fall out. Your brother should really have headed her off with the reasons you are close with the other two SILs why before it landed on your doorstep, but whats done is done there.

sonjadog · 29/08/2019 18:26

I would phone her and have a chat about this. Don't let the bad feeling and misunderstanding go on between the two of you. Explain why you didn't ask her and how it was not a reflection of how you feel about her or her place in your family.

SaraNade · 29/08/2019 19:18

@Ponoka7 "you join a family when you show you are a Partnership.

Nothing to do with being married."

No you don't. If you are not married you are not part of their family. Hence the distinction in laws. You might think of your relative's girlfriend as family, but they are not actually family. They are just a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 29/08/2019 19:19

I also agree you would be better talking directly to her. From the copied section from your other thread I don't get the impression that she expected her family to be invited, but rather that she understood them to be invited based on a conversation which took place in front of her.

I think it's all unravelled from there.

I would explain to her that she is a valued member of your extended family and you are looking forward to getting to know her better. You didn't realise she would want a role being so far away but you would love her to do a reading if she'd agree.

As for family, only personal friends are invited, the fact that they are your SIL's family is incidental.

Tbh, I think your brother has a role in this, as he is the one who seems to have kicked off. It might not have occurred to her.

I'm quite sure this is fixable and hope you have a lovely wedding with all three SsIL present. Thanks

elvis86 · 29/08/2019 19:52

I've seen the update, and still think you've done nothing wrong, OP.

Your brother's GF is absolutely pathetic and is making an absolute show of herself. Just leave her to it.

It'll be very interesting when their wedding comes around. I wonder if she'll ask your SILs to be bridesmaids? Grin Really hope she does and that they politely decline because, um - it's weird being a bridesmaid for someone you barely know. Haha.

LatteLove · 29/08/2019 20:29

It really isn’t your fault. Your SIL is acting like a child. I’d leave it be now.

LolaSmiles · 29/08/2019 22:30

My crew are reassuring me that it’s not my fault. Anyway I accept that I am culpable and it’s cast a massive shadow over the day and the future relationship worries me.
Listen to your friends! Seriously listen to them.

Then reread this that you've posted:

however, I do not have her phone number and when we sat down last night I realised I have met her just nine times and think that I have been on my own with her just once, in a pub for about 40 minutes before others joined us.

How many people on this thread who are sticking the boot in to you OP would make someone a bridesmaid or give them a wedding role who:

  1. They aren't close to (other bridesmaids are close friends, which is normal)?
  2. They don't even have the phone number for?
  3. They have met 9 times?
  4. They've never socialised alone with as friends?
  5. They've only ever been alone briefly once waiting for others to arrive to an event?

None of them would OP.
On so many wedding threads there's a consensus that people don't have to have family in weddings out of obligation, that wedding party is based on closeness of relationship, that people who throw strops over wedding parties and such are drama llamas who are stirring trouble and don't need feeding.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. I'd go even further and wonder what sort of attention seeking person seriously is willing to create family drama and conflict over someone's wedding because they haven't been asked to be bridesmaid for a bride they don't have a phone number for?

WorriedSENMum · 30/08/2019 00:17

You have done nothing wrong OP. It is up to you who you choose to be your bridesmaid. Why would you invite someone you don't know to do it, let alone invite her family? As there are no DC involved she is just your brothers DP & nothing more. She has plus one status & is not a family member. Her behaviour is pathetic & causing drama where there is no need. I have no idea why people throw their toys out of the pram because someone they are not close with doesn't ask them to be a BM. My SIL, who has never really liked me, threw a massive strop & has ostracised DH & I from the family because I didn't invite her to be a BM for me. Silly spoilt little bitch! She followed this up by abusing me on Facebook & spreading a load of lies about me. Angry

Winterlife · 30/08/2019 00:35

Of course she's been treated differently. OP is close to the other SILs and not to this one. Her expecting her family would be invited to the wedding of someone they don't know is beyond stupid.

She sounds high maintenance. Not having a relationship with her is not necessarily a bad thing. Don't let it spoil your day. It's not about her.

BelleSausage · 30/08/2019 07:06

@Winterlife makes a good point. She has chosen to make your wedding day about her. She sounds like a dick. You are better off without her there.

Don’t give in to her emotional manipulation.

Livingoncake · 30/08/2019 07:40

I must admit, when I read that she was the only SIL not included in the wedding party, my first thought was “ouch”. I’m sure she understands the logical reasons why she wasn’t asked, but that’s still going to sting, logic be damned.

In her position, I’d have sucked it up and attended the wedding, as would most people, I’m sure. Though in my experience, at any event like that, there’s always going to be one tactless twat who notices the discrepancy and proceeds to ask loud, awkward questions about it. She may simply wish to spare herself the indignity of being “the SIL who isn’t a bridesmaid.”

I agree with PPs who say your brother bears a lot of the blame here. It seems he tried to dictate to you regarding YOUR wedding, and now it’s blown up in his face. I bet your SIL spoke to him about your other SILs being in the wedding party, and he told her he’d take care of it. So he tried throwing his weight about and wasn’t successful. He should have explained and reassured his partner instead of getting her hopes up and leading to this whole dramatic situation.

ExpletiveDelighted · 30/08/2019 07:59

*How many people on this thread who are sticking the boot in to you OP would make someone a bridesmaid or give them a wedding role who:

  1. They aren't close to (other bridesmaids are close friends, which is normal)?
  2. They don't even have the phone number for?
  3. They have met 9 times?
  4. They've never socialised alone with as friends?
  5. They've only ever been alone briefly once waiting for others to arrive to an event?*

I've known one of my SILs for the best part of 20 years. I wouldn't say we were close, I only acquired her phone number this year, I see her about twice a year in family groups, I don't think I have ever been on my own with her. We live 100 miles apart. If I was asking my other SILs, who I am closer to, to be bridesmaids I wouldn't dream of not asking her too. So I can see why yours was hurt and still think it would have been a great way for her to become closer to the rest of you. However I do think she's being unreasonable in refusing to attend the wedding. All you can do is reach out and hope to smooth things over.

billy1966 · 30/08/2019 08:15

OP,

I can't for the life of me think why anyone would think you have done anything wrong.

I think your brother's girlfriend is being extremely juvenile in her thinking and will regret the utter ridiculousness of her position.

Please do not allow someone's pettiness spoil your very special day.

Teateaandmoretea · 30/08/2019 09:20

You say this based on?

Quite possibly one of the most ridiculous responses to anything on MN. I said 'probably', hence it was clearly speculative 🤣

MamaGee09 · 30/08/2019 09:21

I can sort of understand why she’s pissed off that she’s been left out, this year dh’s siblings all arranged a weekend away to a big country house and didn’t invite us, once it was booked they mentioned to dh that we could probably still book but since we were an after thought I said I wasn’t going. Why weren’t we included at the beginning of the planning?

DH kept trying to justify it that we probably wouldn’t have gone anyway but I still think we should have been asked.

It isn’t nice to be left out and that’s probably how she is feeling, it’s not her fault that they live a distance away and you see them less.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 30/08/2019 09:27

Being upset that you won’t expand a guest list of 50 by an extra 11 is ridiculous, let alone that the 11 could only identify the bride and groom by their outfits 🙄

I can see why she feels a bit left out as a SIL, but she needs some perspective because she’s the one setting the tone now and deliberately putting a dampener on your wedding. If it were me I’d be trying to forge a stronger link, not cause awkwardness.

Lweji · 30/08/2019 10:08

I said 'probably', hence it was clearly speculative

Not sure you know what probably means.
I think you meant possibly if it was quite speculative in your mind.

In any case, the OP gave no indication whatsoever that she had intended to or had invited her SIL to her hen do, so I'm still asking how you consider it even possible that the SIL had been invited to it.

MRex · 30/08/2019 10:17

@MamaGee09 - you're being ridiculous there. Trying to arrange a big trip awayv is like herding cats. I don't know how many siblings there are, but say there are 2 then there's still 4 opinions with partners added in, plus any older kids let's say 2, so that's 6 opinions for 2 siblings. They need to sort out dates, location, agree costs etc. Adding 2 more opinions from you and your DH and it's impossible to get decisions made. Much easier to sort it all out so they can definitely go, then you can be invited to come or not as you please. My advice would be that you try giving them the benefit of the doubt; go on holiday and have fun.

LolaSmiles · 30/08/2019 10:36

MamaGee09
Full siblings and partner trip should be for all siblings and partners (assuming everyone gets on) because missing one out is excluding one person from something that is for siblings.

Choosing to have your close friends as bridesmaids and not having someone you hardly know as a bridesmaid is totally different. The SIL status is irrelevant. They haven't been excluded from a SIL thing. They haven't been asked to be in the wedding party of someone they hardly know or speak to.