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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
honeybeetheoneandonly · 28/08/2019 14:34

I think you unintentionally made it very uncomfortable for her to come.
She might imagine, sitting at a table with all your brothers and being the only partner not to be a bridesmaid. Surely, others would notice, wonder why and talk behind her back.
If she anticipates feeling uncomfortable and judged on the day, she might rather not go at all, (even if this wouldn't actually be the case).

mrscampbellblackagain · 28/08/2019 14:35

I must be mad but 12 times presumably in groups settings over 4 years does not suggest she is close enough to be a bridesmaid. I mean I see my dentist about that often - wouldn't have invited her to be a bridesmaid Wink

I totally understand inviting people to keep the peace/family politics but I really feel you should be able to choose your own bridesmaids.

mrscampbellblackagain · 28/08/2019 14:37

OP has said there are only 50 guests so presumably all will know that sil and the bride aren't close. I think it would look more odd to have her as a bridesmaid personally.

But I don't get anyone who would voluntarily want to be an adult bridesmaid anyway.

witherwings · 28/08/2019 14:38

Just be happy you have one less person to buy dinner for. Sounds perfect to me.

SleepWarrior · 28/08/2019 14:38

I wonder if the extended family thing was a misunderstanding and not related to the problem here?

I can't imagine that someone who expected an in-law to invite 11 strangers to their wedding wouldn't have given off some serious bonkers vibes in the 12 times you've met them so far!

I'd put money on it all being about feeling excluded from things. She's probably feeling upset, or worried about being sat on her own while the rest of your family and SILs have a jolly time together.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 28/08/2019 14:39

It really doesn't matter does it ? Your brothers coming. Don't make this any bigger deal than it has to be. You've got a whole life to live after the wedding, this is a storm in a teacup.

HappyParent2000 · 28/08/2019 14:39

No one can think they should be invited to an event.

Plan it in budget and fairly. Don’t include people you cannot accommodate and if someone declines accept it politely and move on.

People make too much of a big deal of things by thinking they are entitled to things.

99% of the causes of non parenting things on MN seem to be over entitled people and people who talk too much.

Blatherskite · 28/08/2019 14:40

I don't understand why the 3rd SiL's family would want to come anyway?

Weddings are for the B&G's loved ones to celebrate their day, why would anyone want to go to the wedding of a complete stranger just because their daughter/sister/aunty happened to be living with their brother?

SiL 1 and 2s family know you, they have a reason to be there.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 28/08/2019 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarySibleysFamiliar · 28/08/2019 14:42

Is there a cultural aspect I'm missing? Why would someone want their family invited to their husband's family wedding? Especially as they don't know them. How weird.

justilou1 · 28/08/2019 14:45

So in summary, she knows the situation, but is still carrying on like a spoiled brat? Be grateful that you’re not paying for her dinner. What an entitled little twit.

PlugUgly1980 · 28/08/2019 14:46

I would decline. But the difference is I'm very low contact with my in-laws. DH would go on his own (and take our kids if they were invited), but I wouldn't attend. But our circumstances are different. I don't get on with DH's family at all, and refuse to go along to special occasions and play happy families with them. I don't make a song and dance about it. I would politely rsvp, and thank them for the invite but confirm I won't be attending. (To be fair I'm not sure why I continue to get invited as I've not been to an in-law family 'do' for years, and I'm sure they know I'll always decline.) I use the time instead to treat myself to a nice day doing something I otherwise wouldn't get chance to do.

Lweji · 28/08/2019 14:48

I'd think that you could have given her a role in your wedding if she was keen on it. Not invite her family if you don't know them, though.

I suspect she doesn't want to feel left out when the other SILs have roles, and if you do get on well, I don't see why you wouldn't have her too.

However, your brother should be as terrified of losing you as you of losing him. If he's not, then is it worth keeping him happy?

In any case, don't make a big deal out of it, and certainly don't go crying to your brother or anyone else.

Sara2117 · 28/08/2019 14:48

She needs to grow up !

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 28/08/2019 14:49

All these people saying she didn't have to invite her 'SIL' to be a bridesmaid alongside the other two - yep, you're absolutely right she didn't.

But OP can't cry (and she literally put in her OP she was in tears) about it now the 'SIL' has declined her invite.

How did you not see this coming?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/08/2019 14:50

Is there any way you could include her in another way such as ask her to do a reading or something? Then you can say 'such a shame she cant make it, we were hoping she would help us with...' as if you ask her to be a bridesmaid now it is probably a bit late.

It's weird her wanting her family to come though when you dont know them. A few extra people on top of 50 is a massive increase and would change the dynamics a lot

Lweji · 28/08/2019 14:50

Sorry if I missed it, but does your brother have a role in the wedding?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/08/2019 14:51

Did you know before the invite that she wanted to be a bridesmaid so much?

Lweji · 28/08/2019 14:53

I really like her; she has never given any indication that she is high maintenance before

Easy going people in some aspects can be sensitive in others. It doesn't necessarily make her high maintenance.

BTW, try to speak to your brother on the phone rather than by message if you can.

daisyboocantoo · 28/08/2019 14:56

What's done is done, I wouldn't worry about it any more. Your DB has had it explained to him, you can't invite strangers and not everyone can be bridesmaids. That just isn't feasible.

I would acknowledge it with a message, 'hi SIL, I am sorry that you aren't able to come to the wedding. You shall be missed. Hope to see you soon. Xx'

And leave it at that. Don't pick the scab, don't get yourself chewed up over analyzing it, simply get on with organizing your wonderful big day.

MyNewBearTotoro · 28/08/2019 14:57

Obviously it was not unreasonable not to invite her family who you have never met and it was a bit ridiculous of her and your brother to think you’d invite any of her family, let alone 11 members which surely includes family outside of her parents/ siblings. I’ve never heard of people inviting the unmet family of sister in laws to weddings.

It was also reasonable of you to decide you don’t know or like her enough to give her a role in the wedding alongside your other SILs, however I don’t then see why you were surprised she decided she doesn’t know or like you enough to bother with the faff of going to the wedding. Especially if the only people she’ll really know (your family) all have roles and so will likely be sat away from her and busy on the day - she probably decided it wasn’t worth all of the effort of the travel, new clothes, gift, hotel etc to sit talking to strangers and be so obviously in a separate role to the rest of your in laws. She probably felt it would be embarrassing to attend and have everyone wonder why you dislike her compared to your other sils (even if that’s not truly how you feel) and felt it was easier just to decline than feel miserable and awkward on the day. To be honest I don’t blame her as I would be the same if asked to invite a wedding where the only people I knew had roles and so where I would be alone for much of the day.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2019 14:58

So do you see why she was upset to be treated differently to other sister's in law?

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 28/08/2019 15:00

I don't understand the importance of this 'role in wedding' thing. Is it becoming a bigger thing? DH and I have fairly big families and I've been to tonnes of weddings. I've only ever had roles in weddings for my sister, and one close friend. My closest friend only had her sister as a bridesmaid. Wouldn't have occurred to me to be anything but a slightly drunk guest at any of his siblings weddings. Aren't readings normally done by people really close to the couple ?

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 28/08/2019 15:01

Its also pretty normal to have to go to a wedding where you only know your partner. You can either grin and bear it or, if this makes you anxious, decline. She has declined. There is 0 need for drama here.

Grainedmonkey · 28/08/2019 15:02

I agree with paddling, don't make this a big deal, accept she's not coming and move on. The situation was already thrashed out before the invites went out and raking it up again will just cause more upset. If DB had declined as well it would be bad but he is coming so enjoy!