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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 28/08/2019 13:03

I'd send a message to db saying that it's a shame she hasn't accepted, that you would love her to be there and if she wants to change her mind at any point then to let you know.

Then leave it at that.

Drogosnextwife · 28/08/2019 13:04

They all sound very weird. I would find it very weird if any of my family were invited to my sil wedding and so would they, and I see my sils quite a lot.

MRex · 28/08/2019 13:05

I've never even heard of someone inviting relatives of in-laws unless they know them. Maybe for the dancing night only when someone's parents want to go for the really big Indian wedding, but that's not really the same. It sounds like she was almost being a bit confused thinking it was her wedding. Are you all English? Just wondering if there's a cultural difference here.

Obviously YANBU about the relatives, that's a bit bonkers. Given that the other SIL are involved in the wedding and your brother was clear she wanted something, I don't know, but maybe giving her some small task could have been nice and inclusive e.g. helping the ushers. She's being rather silly regardless, she should recognise there is a big difference in how well you know the others.

Sagradafamiliar · 28/08/2019 13:05

It's fine, you're not close anyway.

LolaSmiles · 28/08/2019 13:06

Let her be. She's probably being petty but it's for her to RSVP how she sees fit

I don't see why you'd have anyone in your wedding party who you're not close to. It's not an obligation role.

justasking111 · 28/08/2019 13:07

Kiss the ground she aint coming Grin

FredaFrogspawn · 28/08/2019 13:07

She’s letting your brother down with this nonsense. I hope he still attends.

Knittedfairies · 28/08/2019 13:07

Leave it. They've made their decision and you have to respect that. Either she doesn't want to attend your wedding, or she thinks you'll cave and invite her family. I suggest you don't cave...

billy1966 · 28/08/2019 13:08

@ katewhinesalot

Do this OP, and then leave it.

Do not buy into the drama.

misspiggy19 · 28/08/2019 13:09

I wouldn’t have invited them either OP. Your SIL is being ridiculous and is showing herself up

emilybrontescorsett · 28/08/2019 13:09

If leave it. She is being a dick.

MRex · 28/08/2019 13:10

If it were me I'd give her a call, let her know you appreciate she's obviously busy but you're really sorry she can't make it to the wedding and you'll miss her being there. You'd looked forward to all the family being together and had hoped to ask for her help with [whatever minor thing you could offer] on the day. You'll be able to change numbers up to X date, so just in case there's any change in her plans please text you straight away. See what she says then, maybe there's a chance to fix it by being the bigger person. If she mentions her family just say sorry you agreed with DF to only have people you both know, but you're looking forward to getting to know her family at her wedding.

LannieDuck · 28/08/2019 13:12

12 times in 4 years is quite a lot to 'not know them'.

Oneborneverydecade · 28/08/2019 13:13

Is it a cultural thing to invite your SIL or BIL's family? I've never been to a UK Indian wedding but I know that they're huge celebrations and can imagine (very) extended family being invited is the norm?

PrimalLass · 28/08/2019 13:13

No it isn't but the Op knows them as she has explained.

ddl1 · 28/08/2019 13:14

Did she actually indicate to your brother or to you or your fiance that she expected all her family to be invited, or is this your interpretation of her refusal? If she actually expected it, then she's a CF, and I wouldn't worry about her refusal. Otherwise, I wouldn't jump to conclusions. There are many reasons why people might not accept such an invitation: prior commitments; anxiety about being in big groups of people whom she mostly doesn't know well; even dislike or discomfort at weddings as such. And when all's said and done, the important aspect of a wedding is the marriage; all else IMO, when all's said and done, is a party. And I feel strongly that no one is obliged to attend a party (unless they have already promised, or have some definite role in organizing it). I have no problem with people crying, and am often considered a 'crybaby' myself; but I wouldn't cry if someone whom I don't know that well doesn't show up at a wedding - so long as both the bride and groom are there!

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 28/08/2019 13:15

It's ok to cry if you are feeling sad. Don't let anyone tell you your own emotions are wrong.

You are not in the wrong here, but I can see why you are upset, you want your wedding to be a joyful thing for your family, not something that causes upset, and obviously your SIL deciding not to go to the wedding and DB coming alone is a sign she doesn't feel happy about the whole thing.

I would leave it now. Focus on your friends and family, your brother's partner's parents are not your family or your friends.

Honeyroar · 28/08/2019 13:17

Id just send her a note saying you're sorry she isn't coming to the wedding. Tell her it's not personal that her family wasn't invited and other family were, tell her you just know them well, that's all. If she is still offended and sulking then it's her loss. You've been as polite as you could..

MamaGee09 · 28/08/2019 13:21

My sister in law was lucky that she was invited to my wedding never mind her family! That’s jus to ridiculous,

Maybe she feels left out especially when you say your other sister in laws have a role to play, it’s not nice to be the inky one left on the sidelines.

MamaOomMowWow · 28/08/2019 13:21

Kiss the ground she aint coming Grin

This. Her behaviour is batshit. You may be dodging a bullet not having her around.

redcupbluecup · 28/08/2019 13:22

Madness. I've been with my husband for 20 years. If my sister in law (who I have an amazing relationship with) got married and invited my family I'd find that very very odd. They have nothing to do with her.

Shes bonkers.

LillithsFamiliar · 28/08/2019 13:23

It didn't make sense to invite her family but I agree with a PP that leaving her out of the wedding party could have been managed differently.
If you would be calling your DB to give him grief and cry to him, then don't.
If any of you (you, your DP, your DM) could call your DB just to check that DSIL is ok - because her refusal may not be connected to the bridesmaid issue or the extended family invite - then do so.

fiftiesmum · 28/08/2019 13:25

At least she has said she wasn't coming. When DB got married DS (+ DBIL and children) said they were coming but on the day DBIL and children turned up but DS "had something else she had to do".

Perhaps if OP's SIL came it could cause anxiety for everyone, hope the day goes well OP

JemSynergy · 28/08/2019 13:28

I wouldn't be fussed about it. Just get on with your wedding plans. Her loss.

pumkinspicetime · 28/08/2019 13:30

Inviting her family would have been odd and she shouldn't have expected that.
But being the SIL without a role at the wedding would have been rather unpleasant for her, maybe that upset her? I think it would have upset me.