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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
5zeds · 28/08/2019 13:56

You are not supposed to give any “reason” when responding to a wedding invite, just “mr and Mrs Xxx accept/decline...”. Ignore and carry on.

Blueuggboots · 28/08/2019 13:57

I'd ring your brother and have a chat about it.
See what he says.
Tell him you didn't intentionally exclude her and you'd really like her to come (but understand if she really doesn't want to) but that you can't invite her family as you don't know them.
See what his reaction to it all is.

Did HE tell you that her family should be invited?
Did she/he stipulate which members of her family should be invited?
Is she from a different culture or she being an arse because other people's families are there (understandably!) and is making a point?
The answers to these questions would potentially change the way I dealt with it/felt about it.

LemonAddict · 28/08/2019 13:57

Your decision to exclude SIL from the wedding party despite including the others sucked. I think you should acknowledge that - to yourself if not anyone else.

Floralnomad · 28/08/2019 14:00

I think I’d have given her a role in the wedding if the other SILs are in it but drawn the line at inviting her family members that you don’t know . Anyhow what’s done is done and it’s your wedding , I can’t see why you are crying about it at least your brother has accepted the invite , although I would not be surprised if he actually doesn’t come when it comes down to it .

SleepIsForTheWeeak · 28/08/2019 14:00

If they aren’t actually married it’s fine to not invite her family anyway, she’s your brother’s gf not your sil, I don’t know why you are referring to her as your sister in law?

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2019 14:00

I do agree that the main reason may well be that she hasn't been given a role and the other two have.

I think 2 out of three is noticeable.

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/08/2019 14:00

I do not understand where you have made the leap to her not coming because you didn't invite her family. There are a hundreds of reasons she may not be able to make it and most will have nothing to do with you ( work , other commitments etc etc).
I have never heard of a person expecting their family members to attend a wedding they have been invited to. If that was the case and with three brothers on your side and goodness how many on your DH side the wedding list would be huge.
I suggest you forget about it. If she cant make it, then that's a shame but you cant force or expect her to give you a good reason.

woodymiller · 28/08/2019 14:01

Accept it for what it is. She's cutting her nose off to spite her face but that's her lookout. The main thing is that your brother is coming so don't rock the boat and make him feel he has to withdraw and support his partner.

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/08/2019 14:03

Also how do you think you have upset your brother? You have invited his gf, thats more than enough.
You have invited the others because they are your friends and not because they happen to me related to your inlaws.
You seem to be blowing this whole thing up.

Original poster
ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 14:04

My brother did initially 'kick-off' a bit when sister-in-law realised that the others were invited and that she didn't have a role and his in-laws weren't invited. We spoke then about my not actually knowing them. He did seem to accept my explanation. He does know the dynamics.
We have 50 coming to the wedding.
Brother and sister-in-law do not have kids.

OP posts:
Tonnerre · 28/08/2019 14:05

If the other two sisters in law have roles in the wedding, it is a bit mean not to include this one.

However, expecting her relations to be invited is absolutely batshit.

BoomyBooms · 28/08/2019 14:06

I don't think you should write her off entirely.... You did the right thing by not inviting her family (why on earth would you?! Absurd!) But I can see why she would be upset not to be in the wedding party when the other SILs are. I know you don't know her, but it would have been better to have all the SILs or none imo. I don't think I'd want to go either if I would have to spend all day and night introducing myself as SIL and then watching other people's faces as they realise all the others are bridesmaids except me. Sorry op.

LolaSmiles · 28/08/2019 14:07

Nanny0gg
It's 2 people the OP is close to and knows well Vs 1 person she has met a handful of times and isn't close to.

They haven't got the roles because they are sister in laws. They have the roles because they are people who are close to the OP and in a smaller wedding of 50 people close to the OP everyone knows that.

Nobody is entitled to a role in a wedding because they happen to be shagging the bride's brother.

flumpybear · 28/08/2019 14:08

So if you had a wedding of say 100 people and they all wanted to invite 11 /12 of their family members you'd need a venue to cater for 1100 -1200 people .... ridiculous!

She's an entitled silly little girl - she needs to grow up and attend weddings with her other family without her entourage

TheNavigator · 28/08/2019 14:09

I agree with the posters saying it was a bit mean to not give her a role in the wedding, if there are only 3 SIL & 50 attending, it will stand out and make it awkward for her. So it is understandable why she declined for that reason.

Obviously it would be bonkers to invite her family, but it wouldn't have hurt to give her a small role so she felt welcome and included.

Either let it go or try and extend an olive branch as others have suggested - which you choose is entirely up to you.

Daylily34 · 28/08/2019 14:09

It looks like you’ve upset your SIL , whilst I don’t think you should have invited her family , I do think you probably should have tried to find her some kind of role to play so as not to differentiate between her and your other SIL completely.

I’d leave it a while and then have a chat with your brother , so that they know she’s still welcome should she change her mind

pumkinspicetime · 28/08/2019 14:10

I agree with boomy it would be very easy for guests to assume you had an issue with SIL as she was the only one excluded from the bridal party.
Did it not occur to you and your DP that this would be upsetting for SIL and therefore BIL?

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 28/08/2019 14:13

Yeah.. this isn't about her family's lack of invite, it's about you leaving her our of the bridal party when your other SILs have roles.

You may not feel like you know her that well, but if she's been with your brother for 3/4 years that's a serious relationship.

She will probably feel awkward that other people will ask why she's been the only one not included and doesn't want to come - as other posters have pointed out that's her prerogative. I don't think you can blame her for declining.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/08/2019 14:13

If she feels like that, best she stays away. PPs are right IMO: do not open up discussion with her. All that will achieve is to give her an invitation to criticize. You don't, after all, know her exact reasons for declining - she needs no justification from you and you need no explanation from her. This is one situation in which the better part of valour is very definitely discretion.

I'm happy for you that your brother will be attending; he's the one who is most important to you, after all. Congratulations on your engagement and I hope you have a wonderful day.

elvis86 · 28/08/2019 14:21

YANBU OP.

Considering there's seemingly a distinct difference in the relationships you have with your local SILs and this (newer?) SIL who lives miles away, then you were absolutely within your rights to ask the other 2 to be bridesmaids.

Everyone saying that she shouldn't have left one SIL out - how do you suggest people navigate having friends as bridesmaids? Do you have to ask every single female friend you have to avoid excluding anyone? Is any woman attending a wedding who isn't a bridesmaid secretly miserable and feeling snubbed for the entire day?

Jesus - are people really that desperate to be included and play key roles in the plans of people they barely know? Doesn't she have her own friends wherever she lives?!

I actually think it would have looked like tokenism to have asked her to be a bridesmaid - I'd feel more awkward being an inappropriate bridesmaid to a woman I'm not close to!

So on that score YANBU and leave her to it. It sounds like the rest of your family can see what a twat she's being.

However I still don't think you've been clear regarding exactly what has been said and by whom re inviting 11 members of her family?

mrscampbellblackagain · 28/08/2019 14:25

Yanbu.

And I don't understand why you would have to have distant sil be a bridesmaid or part of the wedding party because your other sils are. You have known them for years and are close to them separate to them actually being your sil.

Honestly, you are having a small wedding and are on a budget. I think the message you intend to send your brother is fine.

Sceptre86 · 28/08/2019 14:28

Whether you knew your other sil's from before or not doesn't really matter you have excluded her. You could have found her a small role such as welcoming people to the venue or whatever. Tbh is it not better that she declined the invite than turned up with a face on? Don't give it a second thought your brother will be there as will the rest of your family, enjoy the day!

IncrediblySadToo · 28/08/2019 14:30

I think you need to call your brother - not message him, at a time he’s likely to be at work (not with her) so he can be unguarded when he speaks.

Although I totally understand you giving ‘roles’ to the 2 SIL’s you know well and not to someone you don’t know so well, I think it was a bad decision. She’s going to be the ‘left out SIL’ in her & other guests eyes and that’s potentially uncomfortable & embarrassing. Your wedding, your choice of course, but I think her feeling hurt was predictable & avoidable.

I think it’s unfortunate that because of distance you don’t know her family, like you know the family of the other SIL’s but I probably would have compromised and invited her parents.

I can understand why you’re crying, you’re worried about causing a rift with your brother. Don’t let the posters who can’t understand that make you feel bad for crying.

Obviously inviting 11 people you don’t know from Adam would have been ridiculous.

SunshineCake

It may be unusual to want to have family there who aren't traditionally wedding guests, but maybe the brother wants to make his wife's family feel welcome and make new relationships. Goodness knows a lot of us could do with more friendships.

Then her brother can do that on his own dime!! Not that of his sister/parents - whoever is paying for the wedding.

mrscampbellblackagain · 28/08/2019 14:30

Honestly I really don't get the giving her a small part to play. It is a small wedding and most of the people I assume are going to know each other.

And she should be grateful she doesn't have to wear some hideous bridesmaid dress Wink

bbcessex · 28/08/2019 14:31

OP, despite the majority of MN adopting the mantra 'it's your day, do what you want, guests can like it or lump it', weddings and family politics are never ever that straightforward.

You've hurt your SIL by not seeing her side. From her perspective, your other two SILS are (bridesmaids?) and you know their families well enough to include them in the wedding. She feels second tier.

You say you've met her maybe 12 times - that's A LOT!!!! AND YOU LIKE HER!!

many many people include friends & family in their wedding plans to keep the peace.. in this case, you had an opportunity to bring your SIL into the fold and strengthen the overall relationship.

I don't think it's too late - what's the harm in including her, saying you care about her and got it wrong, and inviting her into the wedding party? Even invite her M&D if you can. It would be a lovely gesture and mean a lot to your brother too by the sounds of it.