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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister-in-Law declined wedding invitation

282 replies

ErskineChilders · 28/08/2019 12:40

I have tried to link but it failed. My original post was ‘inviting in-law’s in-laws to wedding. When I posted originally only one person disagreed with me but there is a development.

Essentially have three brothers; we all get on but one of them stayed in university town and lives with his partner who we hardly know but when we see her all is fine. Only my mother has met her mother very briefly coincidentally. None of us have met her family.

While we live in a city it is small and we all mix socially with the two other sisters-in-law's families, some of whom we know independently; e.g. my partner is in a team coincidentally with sister-in-law's brother...that kind of thing. My two sisters-in-law are have roles in my wedding and their families are invited. One of these sisters-in-law I have known since I was a child.

Other brother who lives away expected me to invite 11 members of his partner's family who I have never met and he wanted his partner to also have a role in my wedding. I explained that I just didn't know them.

The invitations went out last week and today my brother has sent his acceptance but my sister-in-law has declined with no explanation. I know etiquette says she is not obliged to say why, but I think it's because she expected me to invite her family (who I have never met) and to have a role in the wedding in spite of only meeting her about 12 times in four years. I know mumsnet hates people who cry but I am crying now. I have phoned my partner and he says just accept it. My mum is upset as well and wants to ring my brother but my partner says leave it and see what happens.

What would you do? Was I wrong to not invite 11 strangers and to not have someone I like well enough but don't really know to be a bridesmaid?
Where do we go from here?

OP posts:
MamaGee09 · 30/08/2019 14:30

MRex there are 4 couples with families, they could have mentioned it at the time and all booked it together rather than 3 couples booking and leaving one couple out. Even our children asked why we had been left out. We all get on , no animosities.

For me i really hurt my feeling and hurt me that my youngest wasn’t upset about us being left out too. I personally wouldn’t leave a sister in law out , it’s not nice being the odd one out.

We didn’t go , we booked elsewhere for us to go later on in that week,

MamaGee09 · 30/08/2019 14:31

*youngest was upset! Blooming predictive text!

MRex · 30/08/2019 14:54

@MamaGee09 - but they didn't miss you out, they invited you!! They just didn't involve you in confirming the location, which can't be easily negotiated amongst 8 adults and a bunch of kids. You're being way too sensitive, and it's a shame because it's your kids who will miss out. Your youngest doubtlessly got the idea of being left out from you, that's sad.

pumkinspicetime · 30/08/2019 15:20
  • How many people on this thread who are sticking the boot in to you OP would make someone a bridesmaid or give them a wedding role who:
  1. They aren't close to (other bridesmaids are close friends, which is normal)?
  2. They don't even have the phone number for?
  3. They have met 9 times?
  4. They've never socialised alone with as friends?
  5. They've only ever been alone briefly once waiting for others to arrive to an event?*

I haven't been sticking the boot in but I do think inviting two SIL to have a role in the wedding and not the third was an unintentional mistake.
If I was the SIL I would probably has sucked it up for one day but it would have hurt and l wouldn't have forgotten.

But yes when planning our wedding we went through balancing everything. One friend did this, another friend did that. One family member had this role another therefore had another.
I had people I wasn't particularly close to doing things because they were part of DH's family. It isn't unusual for weddings to involve family members that you may not be personally close to having some role.
One of my sisters had all her sisters and her SIL as bridesmaids, she has never been super close to SIL but she didn't want her to feel excluded.
One issue may be that there isn't one clear societal understanding of how weddings should work anymore which creates more opportunities for upset and misunderstandings as different ideas come into conflict.

MamaGee09 · 30/08/2019 15:33

@MamaGee09 - but they didn't miss you out, they invited you!! They just didn't involve you in confirming the location, which can't be easily negotiated amongst 8 adults and a bunch of kids. You're being way too sensitive, and it's a shame because it's your kids who will miss out. Your youngest doubtlessly got the idea of being left out from you, that's sad.

No they booked it with the 3 couples in mind and then weeks later when dh heard about it and mentioned it they said oh you can still book and come, that is an after thought and my youngest is 16yrs old and wise enough to make up her own mind and not easily led.

We’ll have to to agree to disagree on this one, it’s our family, i know the situation,

Deal with the Topic of the thread rather than picking up on something someone else said I was just giving a situation of when being left out by family it can hurt at times.

Jux · 31/08/2019 15:49

I have a set of cousins, 4 girls and 2 boys - all grown up now, all married with kids (a couple with grandkids). What tends to happen is the girls are in touch a lot, 2 live close to each other and probably see each other every day. One of the girls will have an idea, "we could book a week in that place". Because the 4 of them are in touch a lot anyway, things get discussed between the 4 of them and things are agreed and then booked. Then someone mentions it, almost in passing, to one of the brothers (sibling), and then the two brothers get invited with their families too. It's not leaving them out, it's a load of sisters who live in each others pockets, who are best friends, arranging a holiday, not arranging a family do. Family dos are arranged in similar way, but the brothers and sils are involved earlier in the process.

There's a difference.

If you don't keep in touch with relatives, then you will miss out on some things, especially if other relatives are close to each other. It's not different from how friendships groups work, because some siblings are friendship groups too. You can make the effort to become part of that or not.

And I need to take my own advice before it's too late!

Teateaandmoretea · 01/09/2019 06:57

Not sure you know what probably means.

😂😂😂 oh do behave

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