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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband complaining I never wear clothes he likes

213 replies

Needdistracting · 28/08/2019 08:08

Hi all, this is my first post, although been lurking for a few years now.

Feeling quite upset this morning and trying to work out if iabu or not. I always carefully pick out what I want to wear in the morning, to try and hide my tummy, and compliment my curves (am a 14/16 and not happy with my current size), I wear a variety of clothes that I picked out with my husband this summer and he said he really liked at the time. I also have a few items that he bought me as presents this year that I wear too. Problem is no matter what I wear he keeps suggesting i wear something else, for example, haven't been wearing heels this summer (we are a very active family so I find it easier to wear the boots or trainers he bought me instead) so he is complaining I never wear heels. This morning he suggested I wear a dress I haven't wore for about 2 weeks, but this is a short dress and it's raining so I said no, now he is saying I never wear the things he likes and he is a bit annoyed about it?

Aibu in wearing what I want to wear in the morning as long as I am making an effort to look nice, or is he bu to get frustrated that I dont wear these specific things when he wants me to?? I really dont know what to think any more!! I know this seems petty but these digs from him come up quite often, say if I started wearing the heels and dress more now he would move back on to wanting me to wear my hippy trousers and boots iyswim, so I would like to work out what to do about it once and for all!

OP posts:
TheViceOfReason · 28/08/2019 13:03

These threads make me despair if MN is representative of women in general.

Yes, in an ideal world men wouldn't be shits, however, it is not an ideal world and the sheer number of women who let men treat them like crap is decidedly depressing.

Choice4567 · 28/08/2019 13:09

What the fuck?! Why is he buying you clothes?

Buy clothes you like. Wear clothes you like. Fuck all to do with him

Buyitinbamboo · 28/08/2019 13:17

Erghh these threads pop up every now and then and it's always that they want you to wear dresses and heels, never jeans and a t shirt. So creepy.

To be fair by DP has commented on what I've worn a couple of times but more of a "We're going on a hike, are cream suede boots such a good idea?" He usually has a point...

Drabarni · 28/08/2019 13:18

i'd never take mine shopping with me.
I never wear heels, look ridiculous in them and can't walk.

It has nothing to do with him what you buy or what you wear, why is he choosing your clothes. Tell him to get lost, stupid idiot.

Drabarni · 28/08/2019 13:22

Just show him this thread OP, no denying he's controlling, or trying to be.
He doesn't own you, and you are allowed to have a mind of your own.

Dramaofallama · 28/08/2019 13:40

The only clothes you should wear is the clothes that you like, not him.
I dated a man like that once who turned out to be very controlling and abusive. My aunt also married a man like that who in return turned out to be the same.

Topseyt · 28/08/2019 14:11

Why is he buying your clothes? Why do you go clothes shopping together? Fuck "making a day of it", all he wants to do is control you.

Go clothes shopping on your own. It really is much more fun and liberating when you don't have to consider anyone else, let alone the controlling twat looking over your shoulder.

Wear what you want whenever you want to wear it. Tell him to get to fuck if he starts to comment and criticise.

Stop letting him control you. It is control. It isn't him just taking an interest. He is far too involved.

I wouldn't want DH "taking an interest" in my clothes shopping and trying to tell me what to wear. He has never done it thankfully, and would find his arse presented to him on a plate if he tried it. Likewise, I don't do it to him either. We each wear what we want.

AnotherEmma · 28/08/2019 14:50

Do not show him the thread

Terrible advice

Ohyesiam · 28/08/2019 14:52

This is vile in so many ways.

He wants you to wear a particular dress on a certain day even if it won’t work practically??

He has way way to much say over your body for my liking.

The only partner who ever had any clothes input was a designer and had a really good eye, so I sometimes let him come clothes shopping with me. There were moments when I felt a bit invisible, like I was a clothes horse.

Other than that the most partners have ever said is “ you look good “, end of. Anything more and I’d hate it.

00Sassy · 28/08/2019 15:08

say if I started wearing the heels and dress more now he would move back on to wanting me to wear my hippy trousers and boots

This ^^ is why I think it’s more ‘negging’ than him being a perv OP (neither is okay of course)
He doesn’t necessarily want you in dresses and heels, but he wants your confidence in what you’re wearing undermined Confused

steff13 · 28/08/2019 15:17
  1. Tell him if he likes the dress so much, he can wear it.
  2. Start buying and wearing what you like. If he complians, tell him he can hit the bricks.
BlueSuffragette · 28/08/2019 15:30

He sounds controlling. Wear what YOU want.

Topseyt · 28/08/2019 15:39

Just show him this thread OP, no denying he's controlling, or trying to be

No!! Don't. Do people really think that seeing that OP has complained about him online will cause him to have an epiphany, see the error of his ways and magically mend them?

It is much more likely that it will annoy and antagonise him.

Someonetookmyusername · 28/08/2019 15:47

This is scary op.

I know it can seem trivial and he probably argues that it's only a little thing, but it's not. There is something a bit eerie aboout being asked by you partner to do something for them that should be for you. Having to put their feelings first when it comes to something as simple as dressing or doing your hair.

This is coming from someone who takes her dp shopping and wants his opinion on what she wears. There's a difference between wanting to look nice for your dh/dp and dressing for him.

The fact that you can't ever get it right is to undermine your confidence so that it's easier to control you.

Original poster
Needdistracting · 28/08/2019 21:49

Sorry I haven't been back on all day, we took the kids out for the day and only just got in. Been a bit of an emotional one today reading all these, feeling happy in one sense that I am not insane and then feeling so sad that this isnt in my head but a real problem that needs addressing. However, on the back of all these replies, I did just wear whatever I wanted this morning and when a minor comment was made I just answered with "I look nice like this", and that was that. I know that sounds so easy, but it was a big step for me so I thank you all. He hasn't always been this bad, it's something that has really developed since we got married a few years ago. Before that he was very complimentative, no matter what I wore, I'm not sure what has changed, as my style or anything like that hasn't! I can see now that this must be some problem of his, nothing to do with me, it's so stupid that I thought it was!!! Anyway, I know this is just the beginning of working this all out but like someone said up thread I need to walk before I run, so that's what I started doing today. Bit scary though

OP posts:
Benjispruce · 28/08/2019 21:58

Well done OP.

Aberhonddu · 28/08/2019 21:58

Well done for making a start. Controlling people are very good at making you feel as though it's your fault.
You're absolutely right to recognise that it's his problem not yours.
If you can keep on sticking to your choices with your clothing it's a small start but a very good one. Keep on keeping on. KoKo
Wishing you well op, maybe have a look at the freedom programme, I've heard that it's helped a lot of women to recognise that their relationship is abusive.

AnotherEmma · 28/08/2019 22:01

"I did just wear whatever I wanted this morning and when a minor comment was made I just answered with "I look nice like this", and that was that."

Fab, well done Smile
One small step at a time.

Someonetookmyusername · 28/08/2019 22:09

Well done op Star

inmyfeelings · 28/08/2019 22:21

after being told I'm over sensitive and out of order

He is gaslighting you.

If this is new since you got married , it could be that he was masking his true character until he knew he had you properly sucked in.
I'm sorry op Thanks

fandabbyfannyflutters · 29/08/2019 00:02

How old are your kids and do you have any girls?

looondonn · 29/08/2019 00:17

Gish this is so so worrying

My loser ex did this

I'm 5ft 11
Wanted me to wear porn star like white sandals daily along with a white dress

My usual attire is jeans and a top
Or plain skirt, flat shoes nice top

Total freaks me out know when I think about it

And how he would like to 'guide' me while shopping 🤬🤬🤬🤬

looondonn · 29/08/2019 00:19

With marriage they can become more abusive controlling

They see that you may now find it harder to leave

I would not put up with this utter nonsense

Seren85 · 29/08/2019 01:02

My ex was like this. Originally he loved that I was "different" but it stopped suiting his image. So I tried to change but then I wasn't who he met. He was the posterboy for coercive control. Ended up violent, he is not a pleasant man. My DH prefers my hair red. He doesn't comment and still loves me with blonde ish ombre hair. He loves me all rock chicked up but also in my pjs or jeans and a supermarket jumper. I might prefer him in certain clothes but I love him always so I'd never comment. Ever.

Jux · 29/08/2019 22:36

All in all, ignore him and do what you want.