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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband complaining I never wear clothes he likes

213 replies

Needdistracting · 28/08/2019 08:08

Hi all, this is my first post, although been lurking for a few years now.

Feeling quite upset this morning and trying to work out if iabu or not. I always carefully pick out what I want to wear in the morning, to try and hide my tummy, and compliment my curves (am a 14/16 and not happy with my current size), I wear a variety of clothes that I picked out with my husband this summer and he said he really liked at the time. I also have a few items that he bought me as presents this year that I wear too. Problem is no matter what I wear he keeps suggesting i wear something else, for example, haven't been wearing heels this summer (we are a very active family so I find it easier to wear the boots or trainers he bought me instead) so he is complaining I never wear heels. This morning he suggested I wear a dress I haven't wore for about 2 weeks, but this is a short dress and it's raining so I said no, now he is saying I never wear the things he likes and he is a bit annoyed about it?

Aibu in wearing what I want to wear in the morning as long as I am making an effort to look nice, or is he bu to get frustrated that I dont wear these specific things when he wants me to?? I really dont know what to think any more!! I know this seems petty but these digs from him come up quite often, say if I started wearing the heels and dress more now he would move back on to wanting me to wear my hippy trousers and boots iyswim, so I would like to work out what to do about it once and for all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Needdistracting · 28/08/2019 09:05

Thank you so much for all the replies, after being told I'm over sensitive and out of order for questioning this for so long you have no idea what it feels like to so unanimously be told ianbu. I do have my own money, and we only go clothes shopping together as we make a day of it and go for lunch etc at same time. But honestly those of you who said about the control issue were bang on, there are a lot of other issues like this (such as how I wear my hair or what colour I dye it). I will look at the links you guys put up later when I'm on my own properly. This does have to stop, I just dont know how to stop it, I have spent so long being told all these issues are me but they aren't are they. If a group of strangers on the internet can see this relationship isnt healthy, and can flag up other issues I haven't even mentioned then it cant be just me that is a problem here!!!

OP posts:
Gottobefree · 28/08/2019 09:06

Take his credit card and buy yourself a new wardrobe. Then say 'I thought you might like these new clothes instead'

Buy super expensive heels as well and insist he takes you out for a nice dinner
I'm sure he will shut up after that !

IhaveALooBrush · 28/08/2019 09:06

Piss on that.
My DH wouldn't dare comment on my clothes, and I'm a vintage hoarder. I have some pretty crazy clothes!
Tell him to fuck off.
And stop choosing clothes together, you'll be the one wearing them after all.

LillithsFamiliar · 28/08/2019 09:09

He doesn't want you to wear what he likes. He wants to make you feel bad regardless of what you wear.

You know this because you said if you wore a dress, he'd suggest trousers and trainers. You wear trousers and trainers, he suggests a dress and heels. He's constantly undermining you.
Call him out on it. The next time he makes a 'suggestion', say 'You always suggest the opposite of what I'm wearing, isn't that odd? Some people would think you're deliberately undermining my choices.' Next time after that, when he comments just laugh and say, 'Don't tell me, you think I should be wearing the opposite?' His criticisms only have the power you give them. Stop giving them weight.

All the questions PPs have asked about why he's buying your clothes, etc, are valid too.

Span1elsRock · 28/08/2019 09:10

I can honestly say that in 27 years of marriage, DH has never once asked me to wear a certain outfit. I'd be quite shocked to be honest if he did.

If your DH is constantly criticizing, and moving goalposts, then I think you've got a bigger issue than what you are wearing.

augustagain · 28/08/2019 09:12

after being told I'm over sensitive and out of order for questioning this for so long

Aha! Another classic sign of emotional abuse. When you try to stand up for yourself, you are told you are making a fuss about nothing.

ginghamtablecloths · 28/08/2019 09:13

Here's another come back - "If you like dresses and high heels so much I suggest you wear them".

When he says that he doesn't like your outfit say that you don't like his either.

Complain about his clothing whenever you get the chance. I'll bet he won't enjoy getting a taste of his own medicine.

Then kick him out.

itsahippo · 28/08/2019 09:13

Unless he's Gok Wan and you've asked for his advice, he can get to fuck.

Butchyrestingface · 28/08/2019 09:14

Who are the 3.6 posters who told this OP she was BU.

Show yersels! Shock

Wakeupalready · 28/08/2019 09:15

Your Dh is weird about expecting to have any say to this extent in what clothing you choose to wear and buy. Do you have any clothing he has not either selected for or with you? Any shoes? Perfume? Makeup? I wonder.
This is not normal.

My husband would be upended into the septic tank if he tried to tell me to wear a short dress and high heels in the rain. Or if he tried to tell me what clothes to buy. He will occasionally pick up a t-shirt for me - ones with a subversive political message on them, that he knows I'll find funny ,and wear to appall the odd person but that's it.
Similarly, I don't comment on his attire except for one time when every item he was dressed in was a differing shade of brown from shoes, socks, shorts , t-shirt and cap. He looked like a walking turd so I refused to go with him till he changed. That's on the more normal side of how things should work with couples clothing- more or less, neither of us are what you'd call invested in our attire.

For now, stop trying to please him with what you wear. Wear whatever you feel like on the day. He wants to see the dress worn - he can wear it. Or he can fuck off , then fuck off some more.
Go shopping on your own.Try out looks you like, not what he suggests.

Nothing you choose to wear will please him so stop trying and wasting the headspace, he is deliberately messing with your head, and I , like other posters think this is not a healthy relationship at all.

IdblowJonSnow · 28/08/2019 09:15

He sounds awful. Any redeeming features?
Why are you with him op?

augustagain · 28/08/2019 09:15

That link a pp put up is excellent. Also look into the Freedom Programme.

Your eyes are being opened on this thread. Share more with us if you want to and start learning all about the more subtle signs of abusive behaviours.

No need to run before you can walk, so please don't feel rushed. I am guessing your confidence has been dented quite a bit over the years if you have been putting up with this kind of behaviour.

Kplpandd · 28/08/2019 09:16

OP perhaps give him a taste of his own medicine and nag him to wear something else all the time.

MarinaPunta · 28/08/2019 09:17

If a man makes you feel like you have to question yourself and ties you up in knots (I bet you have a knot in your tummy often) then he is doing it deliberately and being abusive.

I had an ex do this to me all the time. My husband NEVER makes me feel like that.

This is not really about clothes.

Asta19 · 28/08/2019 09:17

I had an ex who did this. I’d known him as a friend for years, and he seemed nice. When we got together I was on a meagre income and had a sparse wardrobe. So when he said he wanted to “treat” me to some new things, I thought “aw, he’s so lovely”. Well it went the way you’d expect. Over time I was being told what to wear and when to wear it. It crept up on me slowly so I didn’t realise at first. Then the control spread to other areas. In the end I was doing everything he wanted to avoid him screaming in my face, or him sitting in silence with a face like thunder. One day I just woke up and realised I’d had enough and I ended it. He never ever hit me, but it was definitely coercive control. I can see that now.

I understand how it happens OP. Men like this play the long game. If they were assholes from the beginning they’d never suck anyone in. But what he is doing isn’t right and it is controlling. If you feel you can’t stand up to him over this and you’re always having to tiptoe around him, you need to think long and hard about whether this is a healthy relationship for you.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 28/08/2019 09:18

WTAF? It's not normal for a grown man to dictate to a grown woman what she should wear. Do you select his clothes and tell him what to wear?
No you are absolutely not unreasonable. Tell him to bugger off permanently

MrsMozartMkII · 28/08/2019 09:18

Well he can bog right off.

verticality · 28/08/2019 09:21

This is insane, controlling behaviour, and very, very sexist. You need to have a close look at the terms on which your relationship is based.

SummerInTheVillage · 28/08/2019 09:22

Buy him a Barbie doll and tell him to dress that.

MCK186 · 28/08/2019 09:22

Unfortunately for you. It won’t stop! Controlling men get off on the control and if it’s not clothes it will be something else. This will almost certainly get worse unless he goes for counselling to address his underlying issues. You need to find a way out of this

Catbrat · 28/08/2019 09:24

Very controlling and not at all normal. It is your body, you dress it as you like, no one has the right to tell you how you should dress, or how to look. Is he controlling towards you in other ways?

Lillygolightly · 28/08/2019 09:25

This is what you do:

  1. Wear what YOU want

  2. Buy clothes YOU like

  3. Start to give 0 fucks about what he would like you to wear! Especially since he can’t be pleased no matter what you buy/wear so you may as well please yourself!

  4. Ignore his comments or digs on your outfits. If you must give a response simply say ‘well I like it’ or ‘it’s suitable attire for today’s activities/weather/occasion’ etc. Just make it plain that you are wearing what you like and that it’s not up for discussion. If his comments get no rise and if you stop trying to please him he will hopefully realise his efforts are fruitless and learn to keep his mouth shut.

  5. Most important of all. Understand that this is not actually about you dressing in outfits he likes or finds pleasing. This is a power play, this is why he is always changing the goal posts, it’s because he gets a kick out of watching you attempt to please him and him having the power of passing judgment upon you. He could do the exact same thing to you with what you cook for example one week liking carrots and hating them the next. He is keeping you on your toes and enjoys watching you fretting and trying guess what will work. He is a twatt, I don’t know what he is like in other areas of life but I would consider LTB!

BuildBuildings · 28/08/2019 09:26

Oh op this isn't normal it's very controlling. How controlling is he in other areas of your life? This type of behaviour can slowly build so you need to be very aware of it.

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 28/08/2019 09:26

I want to know who is the 1% who thinks yabu
Show yourself

Ithinkmycatisevil · 28/08/2019 09:26

This is weird.

If DP told me what to wear, I would tell him where to go!