Husband complaining I never wear clothes he likes

[Needdistracting]

Hi all, this is my first post, although been lurking for a few years now.

Feeling quite upset this morning and trying to work out if iabu or not. I always carefully pick out what I want to wear in the morning, to try and hide my tummy, and compliment my curves (am a 14/16 and not happy with my current size), I wear a variety of clothes that I picked out with my husband this summer and he said he really liked at the time. I also have a few items that he bought me as presents this year that I wear too. Problem is no matter what I wear he keeps suggesting i wear something else, for example, haven't been wearing heels this summer (we are a very active family so I find it easier to wear the boots or trainers he bought me instead) so he is complaining I never wear heels. This morning he suggested I wear a dress I haven't wore for about 2 weeks, but this is a short dress and it's raining so I said no, now he is saying I never wear the things he likes and he is a bit annoyed about it?

Aibu in wearing what I want to wear in the morning as long as I am making an effort to look nice, or is he bu to get frustrated that I dont wear these specific things when he wants me to?? I really dont know what to think any more!! I know this seems petty but these digs from him come up quite often, say if I started wearing the heels and dress more now he would move back on to wanting me to wear my hippy trousers and boots iyswim, so I would like to work out what to do about it once and for all!

He's had a say in the clothes you've bought anyway. Now he wants a say in when you actually wear them.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Have you ever insisted on something he's against in any aspect of your life?
If it isn't only the appearance issue, I'm predicting this isn't going to pan out well. You objecting to his controlling ways is going to open a huge can of worms. If it's "only" to do with your appearance there maybe some hope that you can get the message across. You have to make sure he receives it though.

WHY is he so bloody invested in what you wear?? Definitely controlling and I'd be telling him to take a long run off a short pier.

It definitely sounds like there's more back story here though OP. Think really carefully if you want to spend the rest of forever being told you should be wearing something else or that your hair should be a different colour.

Its 2019 not the Victorian age when women were told by pater on husband on how they may dress. If you are an adult woman, you dress as you please. Not sure why this is even a debate. Imagine if you told a man he had to wear a shirt, tie and waistcoat even if he was going to the car wash. Or a cravat when he was going to a football match. Its that ridiculous.

If we were going on a date, and DP suggested that I wear something I hadn't worn in a while that he particularly liked, I might, if I wasn't looking forward to wearing something else, wear that.

If he's walking around in something that really doesn't suit him, or really does suit him, then I'll tell him. If he's dithering about what to wear somewhere important, I'll get involved and give some opinions.

Otherwise, we choose our own clothing, both to buy and to wear, and he'd have to really hate something for me not to wear it if I liked it (and in fact, I have a cashmere cardigan that I love, and he hates - to the extent he tumble dried it 'by accident' but it survived!, and I still have it and wear it, so even then, this is a theoretical 'I wouldn't wear it' rather than something I have examples of.

I did however have an ex-boyfriend who sounds a bit like your husband. While I was in the relationship I didn't notice, but looking back, he really was a tyrant and stifling me.

Thank you for your update @Needdistracting

Yes, I can imagine that although it's comforting to be told IT'S NOT YOU (and it's really not), it must also be a bit of a shock to have such a large bunch of people telling you your relationship is unhealthy.

Yes, do take time to look at the links that people have provided.

My DP would not dream of telling me what to wear, or criticising what I wear, let alone telling me how I'm allowed to do my hair!?!

Likewise I would never tell him what to wear either. It's just very ODD. And definitely a form of control or power play. Well done for posting and I hope you can find some answers.

But honestly, next time he tries that, tell him to sod off!

Fuck no. If he likes the short dresses and heels, tell him he can wear them himself.

I don't often say LTB, but if he's controlling in a lot of ways and you're not "obeying"... I would get out as quick as I could if I were you. It will only get worse.

Actually, since reading the rest of the thread and your response, I apologise for being so flippant. It does sound as if you are in a controlling and abusive relationship and so my flippant tell him to bugger off isn't useful or practical advice; nor are the other witty comebacks and comments on here which I sincerely doubt are actually used in RL but were made up for shits and giggles on here.

I don't know much about abusive relationships, but can see your self confidence is at a low point. I have heard it described as putting a frog in cold water and slowly turning up the heat. That's a rather grim analogy, but I understand the meaning.

You do need out of this relationship, but accepting that might take time and then even more time until you feel ready to go. What you do need, however, is advice and support from wise friends or family in real life. Good luck.

This seems like ‘negging’ to me.
He’s trying to undermine your confidence.

Why would someone who cared about you do that? They wouldn’t, would they?

Only ever dress for yourself, never a man. You don’t need to make an effort to look nice every day, you just need to be yourself. If someone wants to spend 3 hours on hair and make up treat, if someone doesn’t wear any make up that’s great too! It’s personal choice and the only person whose opinion counts is yours!

I’m so glad you’re going to look at the links other posters have put up, his behaviour is a major red flag for coercive control. It’s not about what you wear, it’s about his control over you, his constant questioning of your choices and undermining your ability to think for yourself and make your own decisions. I had a bf at uni who did this to me, it was a horrendous way to live as whatever you do he’ll never be happy. He has a major problem and needs to change if he’s going to be capable of having a mutually respectful relationship, it’s definitely nothing you’re doing.

It's probably going to be extremely difficult to get your dh to see that the way he treats you needs to change. At the moment he sees himself as superior to you. This won't be a thought in his head, like "looking forward to the match, got that deadline on Friday though, I'm so much better than needdistracting..." it will be a core part of his world view. To get him to change his behaviour will mean accepting you as an equal, with a corresponding reduction in his own status (in his own head). He is not going to like it. For many men, it is a change they cannot make, and their partners are left with a choice between tolerating abusive behaviour and leaving.

Take time to read up on controlling relationships - and probably access outside expert help - very carefully before you make any decisions.

I suggest the next time you have an afternoon to yourself you go get a haircut of your choosing and then buy yourself a few new outfits.
Tell him you had the time of your life and want to make it something you do from now on.

I take it he dresses like David Ghandi ?

Gandy

He sounds abusive

No one gets to voice an opinion whatsoever on what you wear, unless you ask for it.

I absolutely love when my husband pulls a face about what I'm wearing - means I look chic!

DH would never have told me what to wear. There were some outfits I knew turned him on and I would wear them for a date night if I wanted a passionate response but there was no suggestion that I should wear them, just that he liked them.

Your bloke is very controlling. There's nothing normal about what you're describing. I'm sorry that this has come as a shock to you, but it may be all for the best. You need to gradually come to terms with just how unhealthy your relationship is.

Op I never clothes shop with DH. He would be bored, I like to get in and get out as I hate it even though I like clothes and think I put my clothes together well. I value his opinion but ultimately I decide. First thing to change is to go shopping alone or with a trusted friend. Get happy with how you feel about yourself first. Good luck.

walk yes I know what you mean!

I totally agree with every comment above. He is controlling you hun, fyi, men usually hate clothes shopping with their other half and pretend to take an interest until the whole affair is over lol. Like the others have said he is being controlling, it’s abuse and we are not being over the top!!! So what can you do? Every time he says something about your clothes just smile. Pick his clothes to pieces in a ‘nice’ way. Make him feel how he is making you feel.... maybe the penny will drop and he will realise what a knob he is being.

The whole thing is incredibly strange and controlling. Neither current dp or dc's father have ever commented on what I wear in this manner. Nor have they bought clothes that I haven't chosen (or hinted at) and certainly never suggested what I wear on a specific day. I might ask an opinion between options for an occasion. Is he like this in other areas of your relationship?

I've woken up in 1954!

Seriously OP, I've never seen such a unanimous response. He is way, way, way out of line. You must address this immediately - nobody should put up with this.

Controlling what you wear - abusive, or at the very least, a serious red flag. How did you get into the habit of deferring to him?

Similarly, I don't comment on his attire except for one time when every item he was dressed in was a differing shade of brown from shoes, socks, shorts , t-shirt and cap. He looked like a walking turd so I refused to go with him till he changed.

{grin]

I've woken up in 1954!

Nope. My father would never have expressed an opinion as to what my mother wore. And he paid for all of it.

OP - what you do is tell him to shut up and that you'll wear whatever you choose to.

What reaction would you then get?