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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband complaining I never wear clothes he likes

213 replies

Needdistracting · 28/08/2019 08:08

Hi all, this is my first post, although been lurking for a few years now.

Feeling quite upset this morning and trying to work out if iabu or not. I always carefully pick out what I want to wear in the morning, to try and hide my tummy, and compliment my curves (am a 14/16 and not happy with my current size), I wear a variety of clothes that I picked out with my husband this summer and he said he really liked at the time. I also have a few items that he bought me as presents this year that I wear too. Problem is no matter what I wear he keeps suggesting i wear something else, for example, haven't been wearing heels this summer (we are a very active family so I find it easier to wear the boots or trainers he bought me instead) so he is complaining I never wear heels. This morning he suggested I wear a dress I haven't wore for about 2 weeks, but this is a short dress and it's raining so I said no, now he is saying I never wear the things he likes and he is a bit annoyed about it?

Aibu in wearing what I want to wear in the morning as long as I am making an effort to look nice, or is he bu to get frustrated that I dont wear these specific things when he wants me to?? I really dont know what to think any more!! I know this seems petty but these digs from him come up quite often, say if I started wearing the heels and dress more now he would move back on to wanting me to wear my hippy trousers and boots iyswim, so I would like to work out what to do about it once and for all!

OP posts:
BlackberryBeret · 28/08/2019 10:05

we only go clothes shopping together as we make a day of it and go for lunch etc at same time

You can shop for clothes online alone you know! In fact it's usually much easier as you can search for precisely what you want (sleeve length, neck style, colour, pattern, material) quickly using search terms - and then compare all the things you like.

You must realise this is unusual - most people - men and women - find shopping with other people deeply boring. It is very odd that you only shop for clothes with him.

diddl · 28/08/2019 10:06

What's strange is that you are doubtful about whether or not yabu.

There must have been a time when you chose your own clothes.

How did it get to your husband doing it & why did you ever think it was OK?

happycamper11 · 28/08/2019 10:07

I'm going to add that exP was extremely controlling in many areas but this was a step too far even for him

InfiniteSheldon · 28/08/2019 10:07

If i was meant to be controlled I'd come with a remote
Repeat this to yourself until you believe it.

Benjispruce · 28/08/2019 10:11

Reminds me of a relative’s partner. He’s an arse in all manner of ways but the common thread is control by criticism and manipulation. He buys all her clothes . She had great style but it’s changed to what he wants. She thinks he’s taking an interest but it’s so much darker than that.

Templetonstunafish · 28/08/2019 10:12

So sorry this is highlighting the dynamic n your relationship OP. If you want you can post again in relationships for more focused advice. The women over there are very helpful and perceptive. Good luck to you YANBU.

sweetiepie1979 · 28/08/2019 10:14

Jesus Mary and Joseph!!

AryaStarkWolf · 28/08/2019 10:15

Start telling him what to wear everyday and see how he likes it. But really it's very worrying behaviour

Bookworm4 · 28/08/2019 10:15

Jings, actually struggling for a response 😳
He sounds like a complete arsehole, who does this? He knows this isn’t acceptable but he’s got you used to it and now expects obedience. I couldn’t live with this, wear what you want when you want.
Nasty little man 😡

Deadringer · 28/08/2019 10:16

He thinks he owns you. Creepy and weird.

katseyes7 · 28/08/2019 10:18

No matter what l wear he keeps suggesting l wear something else

This is controlling behaviour. And it's only going to get worse.
Not once, in 22 years, has my OH ever complained about me wearing/not wearing something. He'll say l look good in something, but that's an entirely different thing.

OneStepSideways · 28/08/2019 10:20

I think it's quite normal for men to like seeing their wives in sexy clothes sometimes. Maybe he loves your curves and thinks you're hiding them?

I wear comfortable smart/casual clothes to work every day (leggings, trainers and loose tunics mostly) and in the evenings I wear jogging pants and old tshirts. But I try to dress up a bit at the weekends if we're going out, DH likes my legs so I wear shorts or short dresses if it's warm enough, or tights under if it's not! Or tight fitting jeggings (very comfortable and figure hugging, he likes those!)

Equally I like DH to make a bit of effort for weekends, so I often pick his outfits (at his request) so he ends up wearing tight fitting tshirts and jeans that show off his thigh muscles. Then we change into our joggers when we get home.

We have a 4 year old so weekend outings are usually farms/beach/pub lunches but I still think it's nice to dress up for each other once a week. I don't wear heels often as they're uncomfortable.

If we go to a party or social event we help each other choose what to wear.

katseyes7 · 28/08/2019 10:20

we only go clothes shopping together

And do you only buy what he wants you to get? lf so, that's very worrying. Do you get the same input into his clothes/what he wears? lf not, why not? What's sauce for the goose.....

Knittedfairies · 28/08/2019 10:20

I can't think of one occasion in all the years I've known my husband - not far off 50 years - he's never told me what to wear. He might suggest a coat if it looks like rain, but that's it.

whattodowith · 28/08/2019 10:22

Is he Kanye West by any chance?

You’re not his Barbie doll ffs. Wear whatever you want, maybe consider shifting 12 stone over night divorcing him.

GiveMeHope103 · 28/08/2019 10:23

What is wrong with you that you cant see how wrong this is op? Seriously you sound like a puppet even asking this question.

dollydaydream114 · 28/08/2019 10:23

OP, you already know that this is a major, major red flag.

It's completely unacceptable that he's telling you what to wear in the first place, but the most revealing thing about your post is where you say that he will say clothes are nice or even buy them for you, and then tell you to wear something else when you put them on. He's messing with your head and this is absolutely NOT ok. You're not being over-sensitive, you're not going mad. Please, please look at this in the context of the rest of your relationship because I would absolutely stake my salary on this not being the only way in which he's controlling or unkind towards you.

Being weird about my clothes was one of the earliest ways in which my ex's gaslighting/manipulation manifested itself. He would bang on and on about how a particular style of clothing or makeup was his favourite (usually something I wouldn't usually have worn) and then I'd try it to surprise or please him and he'd turn his nose up at me and say he didn't like it.

Ellie56 · 28/08/2019 10:23

He looked like a walking turd so I refused to go with him till he changed. Grin Grin

Shoxfordian · 28/08/2019 10:24

My dh tells me I'm beautiful when I'm hungover in old pyjamas and look shit.

He would never dream of telling me what to wear.

It seems like this is highlighting issues in your relationship more generally op

Rainbunny · 28/08/2019 10:25

Well I won't jump straight to "this is controlling/ emotional abuse" etc. but it is pathetic of him to keep complaining about it, it makes him sound shallow. If he wants you to wear something different to what you are wearing no matter what it is, that is weird, what's wrong with him? Is this new behaviour? Suddenly picking fault with your partner is not a good sign. It makes me wonder who he's comparing you to in his head, strangers he sees in public or a specific woman? Sorry to introduce that thought.

I don't think it's completely unreasonable to request that your spouse dresses up for a nice dinner out or something but beyond that he needs to shut up. I like my sense of style and I enjoy choosing the outfits that I wear but I'm well aware my style choices are appreciated more by other women not men. In fact I think most men don't really get "style" very much. My DH couldn't tell the difference between a cheap tight little dress from TopShop and a dress from Stella McCartney.
I fully embrace my "Man Repeller" wardrobe Grin

augustagain · 28/08/2019 10:25

Criticising clothes/hair certainly seems to be a common manifestation of controlling ways in men. I guess because your appearance and how you feel about yourself is such a fundamental part of you. If they attack boundaries in those areas, they are well on their way to controlling the rest of your life too.

Mydogmylife · 28/08/2019 10:26

@OneStepSideways

I think the op is in a slightly different place! If you read the full thread I think you'll see that the clothes are merely a symptom of a much deeper problem.

ArkwrightsTill · 28/08/2019 10:32

@OneStepSideways it can’t be that he wants to see her glammed up and showing her curves though, because if she dresses like that he tells her to wear casual clothes (I think the OP said hippy trousers).

It sounds like he just wants her to always be wrong/on the backfoot.

Rainbunny · 28/08/2019 10:34

Okay OP, I just read your update. He IS being a controlling twat, no if's or buts. Not sure what advice to give you other than to start by telling him firmly that it's none of his business what you wear or how you style or colour your hair.

Ellie56 · 28/08/2019 10:34

I agree your so called "D"H is controlling you. It will only get worse. Don't have a child with him.

My DH would hate going clothes shopping with me and wouldn't dream of telling me what to wear, what to do with my hair, or what to do in any other respect. That's how it should be.

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