Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

[lastqueenofscotland]

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

It drives me mad OP!! I’m childfree by choice too.

I find it so patronising when people say to you that you’re going to change your mind. Like they somehow know you better than you know yourself.

Also being told you have no purpose in life if you don’t have children. That really makes you feel great...

How long have l got?!?!?

-The insinuation that you can't ever get tired not having children but they are so so tired. I do shifts and often do over 60 hours week so l know what tired is!!!
-They also seem to think that life is one long party, l have no drudgery in my life or doing stuff l don't want to do. Yep l wish my life was like this but l am mopping floors, fixing broken hoovers, going to Aldi etc like everyone else
-Lots of condescension e.g. "you don't what it is like", "you have never know love until you have a child".
-The assumption that you can arrange your days around what works for them e.g. assumptions at getting up ultra early on your one day off of the week as it fits in with nap times etc. You always have to go where works for them, even though you may have already driven 7 hours up the country and would prefer place X so there isn't yet more driving to do.

-My ultra favourite one was when l mentioned to a friend l was feeling low about our ongoing fertility issues and was trying to arrange some days out and weekends away to cheer myself up. She said l would love to go on holiday more but we spend so much on childcare for our children!!!

I used to know someone who was quite nasty every time she heard I had a relaxing weekend because she had a toddler and apparently everyone else should be equally knackered all the time to make her feel better about it

@YummyFoodie l had a manager like that. But having children is a lifestyle choice and prior to children she had done more than her fair share of travelling

Sorry thought you meant going away not a relaxing week!

The you don't know what it's like until you have one comments irritated me. Still so but I have a child.

It's exactly as I imagined.

I was helping a friend through a bad divorce. She is great, but has form for being bit self centred.

Her aunt and uncle were being particularly helpful - running errands, checking in with her, offering to babysit, etc. My friend's response?

"Since they don't have any children, they're a bit bored all the time, so it's probably quite nice for them to be involved in my life".

Err...or "thank you"??

I think there is a special level of nastiness levelled at women who don't have children, often about how selfish they are.

And then you have children and you get a special level of nastiness and it's still about how selfish you are for bringing your 'brats' into the world and what a drain on resources they are, and how you are raising them badly.

So basically, women can do no right.

When I was in my 30s - DH's cousins who have zillions of children amongst them: "When are you going to make Auntie Lorraine a grandmother?"
"Auntie Lorraine would love a grand-daughter." Etc.

Female external trainer at work on a course where, by chance, everyone else was either male or very young - kept looking over at me meaningfully and saying 'For example, as a mum ..." obviously thinking her 'mum' comments were a way of making the training 'relevant' to me.

@isabellerossignol sorry yep l forgot to mention the nastiness often directed at women with no children. It is a whole new level, men never seem get it levelled at them though.

I am childless and get very sarcastic when people with children suggest I couldn't possibly be exhausted.

I counter with "I was in London seeing a show, then went for a long lovely lunch, then went shopping and for cocktails in the evening, so I'm knackered and hungover today."

When they act shocked and annoyed for me being tired and that my day out was a lifestyle choice I then point out that them choosing to have children was also a lifestyle choice.

Oh yes! I've heard all is these!
"You'll change your mind" infuriates me... So patronising, like they know me better than I do.
@EL8888 list is spot on!

After spending a small fortune on fertility treatment that was unsuccessful “your lucky you don’t have to pay for nappies,childcare etc”
Anytime I say no to attending a social event (which they also aren’t attending) “aw if i were you I’d go,I’m only not going because of dc” as if I’m not allowed a night in with my DP or go forbid might want to do something else or visit family !
Also the whole tired thing because no one is more tired than a mother - not even once can you be the one that’s more tired ! lol

The fact that you can sometimes tell people with kids feel that something must be missing in your life. When really you've been listening to their near constant moaning for years thinking 'thank goodness that's not me!'

I never wanted children but once my friends started having them it's truly been the best contraceptive ever.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine wow! Just wow. She is something else

@irishtwo yep you are hinting at the martyr thing, apologies l forgot that one on my list. Surely women and their husband / partner / boyfriend can take it in turns to do stuff and care for their child (ren)? . Obviously single parents don't have this option but l am sure other people do?!

I wanted and have kids and don’t see it often but do see parents being slightly resentful of the ‘free’ time they perceive non parents to have l, as if a) they felt like they were on a permanent holiday themselves before childreb and b) like its somehow bad not to be a parent and share in all the (perceived) pain. Before I had kids but my sister did, she was very like this. When I had one baby and she had two, her life was always worse and I had it lucky with just one baby.

It’s so sad. Women should be supporting each other’s rights to choose their destiny, not creating some sort of female one upmanship over kids or not having them. I feel like people with kids sometimes see it as their entire world, which makes them ignorantly wonder how on earth you fill your life otherwise. Says an awful lot more about them than anyone who hasn’t got children themselves.

Oh God, the competitive tiredness thing!

I mean, I get it, looking after young kids is knackering - I've got kids myself, I know this. And I also know it's a different kind of tiredness from having a busy job or a heavy weekend, because those are parts of life not eternal and neverending aspects of life.

But, still, it really is ridiculous to claim a monopoly on tiredness, and sometimes shows a breathtaking lack of awareness. The worst example I've encountered - and I swear this is true - is when I was out with a couple of friends, and one of them (who doesn't have kids) says how tired she is. Friend 2 launches into a detailed and boring monologue about how exhausted she is by parenthood and how people without kids just don't get it. Bad enough to be so self centered but friend #1 has ME! So yes she does know exactly what real tiredness is, much more so than friend #2 in fact. It was awful!

"When you have a child, finally, you will realise what meaning of life is"
"It's quite selfish not to want kids. Are you expecting others to take care of you when you are old?"
"You don't know real love yet"
"Awww. Are you ok? Have you talked to the gp? It's not normal not to want kids"
"You can't be that tired if you don't have kids (after not sleeping properly for a week and doing 70 hours)"
"Are you afraid to try for a baby in case there are issues with conceiving? There is lots of options now"

And my favourite
"Is it because because you are scared of labour? You don't need to have your own, just adopt. Can't believe you that you don't want kids."

ALL comments come from women. Never ever have I had something like that from a man. They just don't give a f if I want to use my nether regions for pleasure only or for making a human.

This isn't simply 'people with kids', this is 'opinionated nobends'.

Opinionated Nobends are rife throughout all lifestyle choices. Every single thing you can think of, these people will have an opinion... it's just that some of them have children and become 'opinionated nobends with kids'.

I have kids. But have to admit I get a bit if rage on womens behalf when people tell those that dont have kids they should have them, it's the best thing ever, kids make life complete blah blah blah.

I love my kids. I love them so much. But kids is not the best thing ever, nor do you need them to have a complete life.

My niece (10) says she doesnt want kids. She may or may not change her mind. But both me and her mum get fed up of people telling her 'of course you will/dont be silly, whatever are you doing to do/ you will change your mind'. Whole healing praise on her younger sister for being 'such a good mummy with your dolls'.

I love both my nieces. The older one plays rugby, kick boxes, no interest in playing with doll. So many people disapprove of her not being 'girly' enough gives me the rage. Being 'girly', having babies, staying at home is not the only way women can be fulfilled and happy.

Gets right on my wick.

But please take heart that as a working mother, I get loads of shit, mainly off other women. Dbros wife, told me once, with venom that I should have been infertile if I wanted to work and dont deserve kids.

My other sil who is a stay at home mum has had similar shit from people who believe she should work outside the home. Even now, that the kids are at school and she is a full time student, to become a paramedic.

Unfortunately, as women, people feel the need to tell us we are wrong, we will change our minds to the right way of thinking (which means their way) anything else makes us bad people and means we are missing out. I find it worse that it usually comes from women.

I have never heard shitty comments about not having kids, having kids, working, not working come from men. Either they dont care what others people do (I am talking generally, I am sure some men do have an opinion on it and voice it) or tend to keep it to themseleves.

I admire people who dont have children through choice. Too many kids are born to parents who dont really want them, because there is pressure that being a mother is the ideal state.

I think that there are annoying judgemental people around full stop. It sounds as if some parents make incredibly annoying comments to non parents but regarding tiredness I think it is true that if you have small children you will generally be much more exhausted than a healthy person without children. Even if you work 60 hours a week it is nothing compared with the non stop work of looking after children. I wouldn't ever say anything but a childless colleague of mine used to get on my nerves going on about how tired she was having to four days a week unlike those of us with children who only did three days.

I admire people who dont have children through choice. Too many kids are born to parents who dont really want them, because there is pressure that being a mother is the ideal state.

I do too.

‘You will change your mind’... nope, in the 40 years I have been alive I have never wanted children, it’s not going to change

‘What if your partner wants a child..’. Then he will no longer be my partner as we are not compatible

‘Don’t you like children’ my answer to this depends who’s asked. Close friends and family ..’of course I like your child, he / she is gorgeous but it’s just not for me’. less close aquantincies, ‘nope, can’t stand them!’..

Competitive tiredness is really tedious. There were times when I had young children when I thought I was losing my mind with tiredness. And before I had children I was so stressed out with work that I had chronic insomnia and was also so tired that I was losing my mind.

And there were times both pre and post children when I was just fine.

People who do the competitive tiredness thing will always think things are worse for them no matter what the situation.

@Ilikethisone men just don't seem to do this? It is always women from what l have seen. But l know with some women then everything has to be a competition?

@Maryscary008 in your opinion though. I'm sure being a surgeon and doing 8 hour+ procedures in operating theatres would massively take it out of anyone, A&E staff (enough said!), firemen / firewomen (shifts and potentially carrying dead people our of buildings etc). The other person you work with was doing 1/3 longer hours than you at work, obviously l don't know how long your working day was but they were working longer.