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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

407 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 26/08/2019 09:19

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

OP posts:

Quaffy · 26/08/2019 12:51

Yes, I do think that non parents who do my job are less tired than parents of small children who do my job if they are healthy and don't have other caring responsibilities

So to bring it back to where we started, yes you are in fact engaging in competitive tiredness between parents and non-parents.

doginthemanger · 26/08/2019 12:53

Most people who have children have them because they want them, not because of some selfless idea of perpetuating the human race, so I don't know why only childfree people are accused of being selfish.

And some people seem to think having children makes you a better and wiser person. From observation this is clearly rubbish.

I agree that parents of only children cop a lot of flack too, judging by comments I've heard. As if no children with siblings are ever badly behaved.

slashlover · 26/08/2019 12:55

Yes, I do think that non parents who do my job are less tired than parents of small children who do my job if they are healthy and don't have other caring responsibilities.

Because your experience is identical to everyone else?

Userzzzzz · 26/08/2019 12:55

I think the tiredness thing is real though for 95% of people. It is the utter relentlessness of sleep deprivation combined with regular life that does it. At the moment, my husband is doing a 60 hour week in his senior job. There is no doubt he’s more knackered now than if he was doing the same childless as a lie-in might be 8-9am if he’s lucky and I’m being nice. Otherwise it would be 6am. You never have a chance to catch-up. If someone’s knackered because they’re working hard and then had a huge night out and are hungover they can generally recover the next week. Before kids when we both had full on jobs we used to lie in until 10-11 at weekends if given the choice and then laze around or go out for dinner etc. It is lie-ins that I miss the most.

EL8888 · 26/08/2019 12:57

@FineWordsForAPorcupine good point. It doesn’t sound very safe...

Maryscary008 · 26/08/2019 13:00

Because your experience is identical to everyone else?

My experience of my job is the same as my colleagues as it is the same job. My experience of not having any caring responsibilities is the same now in that neither of us have any. The difference then was that I was also up half the night so wasn't really in the mood to be told that my life was easier because I worked fewer paid hours.

everyonecaneffoff · 26/08/2019 13:00

"You don't understand what family means".
Er yes I do... I don't have my own kids but I have an extended family. I know exactly what family means. And the person who said this has the most dysfunctional family I have ever met.

"You'll change your mind".
People have been saying this since I was 16. I'm 42 now and I've never changed my mind. I knew at 16 that children weren't for me.

Now that I'm 42 I've had
"tick tock tick tock"
ie. clock is ticking, you've only got a couple of years to get pregnant if you manage it at all at your age.

"Awww... your cats are your children"
"Awww... so sorry your cat died. It must be really hard because he was like your child because you have no children".
"Your cats aren't children. If you had a child of your own you'd realize that".
And to all of those, I thought ODFOD. My cats are not my children. I did not get my cats because I had some suppressed longing for a child. I do not need to give birth to a child to realize my cats aren't children.
FFS - I know they aren't children but I still love them. They are fun to be with. They are communicative and they like playing. I got my cats because I like cats and enjoy the company of an animal at home.

I get people looking down their nose at me because I don't have children. I just ignore this now though it used to upset me. I chose not to have children and am happy with my decision. I think if I had had a child I would have been a good mother - I am good with children and taught in primary schools for many years and still work with children now in another context. Children enjoy working with me and we have a laugh.

Longlongsummer · 26/08/2019 13:01

@slashlover I have been asked why I wanted kids, and whether it wasn’t a bit of a crazy decision by my child free friends. I didn’t mind being asked at all. That’s what good friends do, challenge and ask stuff. Good friends respect choices too, I was in no way saying children is better. They were not trying to say child free is better. I love being able to be frank and open with my child free friends. It’s why we have a lasting relationship.

echt · 26/08/2019 13:12

I would take this thread slightly more seriously had it read: Comments that some people with kids make to people with no kids.

As it is it reads just like the the threads that say; teachers, etc, etc., when all they mean is one teacher/someone they've heard of.
Lazy and inflammatory.

Maryscary008 · 26/08/2019 13:12

So to bring it back to where we started, yes you are in fact engaging in competitive tiredness between parents and non-parents.

To be competitive you have to be in the competition. I have said that parents with small children who do my job are a lot more tired than those without children assuming no other responsibilties and good health. I'm not childless but I don't have small children.

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/08/2019 13:13

Personally, unless I really haven't been paying attention (which is quite possible!) I really haven't heard the narrative that women are somehow inferior or incomplete unless they have had a child!

Well you wouldn’t have had it directed at you as you go on to say you have two children.

Wexone · 26/08/2019 13:16

"we need you to work Christmas so people with kids can spend it with their families"
I have had this in previouse Jobs. In one comapny i worked for the rule was 1st in got the time off, I put my request in for Xmas hols off in the previouse Jan as i had a family wedding and people coming home from Oz for it. Pulled into my Boss's office like a week before xmas telling me i have to come in as SOSO wants it off, she only put her request in the week before and that the fact she has children she was entitled it off, I refused point blank. I don't mind if there is a rosta to follow and everyone follows the rules however i have often come across leanacy for peopl you have Children and being asked to step up beacuse i don't have any. I have now since changed jobs where we now have to work one day ecah over the xmas break which i feel is quiet fair.

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/08/2019 13:18

I do totally respect my child free friends. However I’ve been frank and asked them directly if they wanted them, and if there was anything holding them back. Or if it was a positive choice. I asked it because I did not want them to regret not having kids. And I was a friend.

How fucking patronising. You thought you’d make sure they knew their own minds?

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 26/08/2019 13:18

My experience of my job is the same as my colleagues as it is the same job

No, it is not because you are not them. Their experience is theirs and your experience is yours.

You found, and now find, your job easier without young children to look after. That is all you can say because THAT is all you have experienced.

I found fertility treatment to be horrendous. A friend of mine breezed through.
Same treatment. Different people. Different experience.

Maryscary008 · 26/08/2019 13:32

You found, and now find, your job easier without young children to look after. That is all you can say because THAT is all you have experienced.

I don't find my job easier. I find my life easier now that I am not having to wake up half the night. Obviously other things may have been as bad as being woken up all night but my colleague wasn't experiencing them and I do know this because she would go on and on about anything negative in her life. She just thought that her life was harder because she worked 8 hours a week more than me in paid work.

PancakeAndKeith · 26/08/2019 13:35

I asked it because I did not want them to regret not having kids.

Fuck me. They are adults and they can make that choice. That attitude is exactly the kind of patronising shit people are talking about.

Sparklesocks · 26/08/2019 13:36

Mary this thread was created for childfree people to discuss negative reactions/comments from parents and how it feels, I’m not sure why you are choosing to derail the thread with experiences which don’t follow that?

DuchessOfDukeStreet · 26/08/2019 13:41

I asked it because I did not want them to regret not having kids.

Mumsplaining at its absolute worst.

Maryscary008 · 26/08/2019 13:44

@Sparklesocks I was originally making the point that people can make annoying comments whether they are parents or childless . I didn't realise that this thread was only for childless people to slag off parents.

Ilikethisone · 26/08/2019 13:44

Jesus wept. Why on earth would anyone thing that someone who chooses to not have children needs their friend to make sure they are regretting it? Never heard anything so arrogant. I am sure most people who have chosen not to have kids have thought about it.

Also @Maryscary008 what are you doing?

My youngest is 8. Sleeps amazingly. He slept in until 10am today. I didnt. I dont sleep well. Having young kids didnt make me more tired than I usually am, because I am used to not sleeping.

Why on earth have you cone to this thread to tell everyone they are wrong and parents are more tired than every one. And know this because you know every detail of their lives so are 100% And what if you are. You chose to have kids. They havent, at the point, or at all.

And why cone onto this thread, given what it's about arguing your point?

Goodybaddy · 26/08/2019 13:47

I'm not childless but I don't have small children.

It’s been explained several times on this thread why the use of the word childless to describe someone who doesn’t have children is offensive.

Luxembourgmama · 26/08/2019 13:48

@FishinthePerculator that's sad. I've actually distanced myself from my sister because she's a kid more and only developed an interest in me when I did have a kid.

Ilikethisone · 26/08/2019 13:48

I didn't realise that this thread was only for childless people to slag off parents.

Wow, you have really taken this to heart.

No one is slagging off parents. I have posted and I am a parent. They are talking about people who feel the need to try and tell them they are wrong, selfish, dont know what they are missing, incomplete etc etc for not having kids. That family time at christmas doesnt really matter for them etc

As a parent and a people manager I have seen thos attitude alot. I have also seen it aimed at my niece who doesnt want kids. No one is slagging me off for posting here.

But you are here basically telling them them that actually some childless people have made comments to you and they shoildnt because they cany possi ly understand how tired you are.

Yet you are here posting what you are. Doing the same as the childless people you are moaning about

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 26/08/2019 13:54

I didn't realise that this thread was only for childless people to slag off parents.

Fucks sake. Of course it's not. It's just you continually labouring that one point about that one person that is pissing people off.

Maryscary008 · 26/08/2019 13:54

Wow, you have really taken this to heart.

Lol. Not at all.

But you are here basically telling them them that actually some childless people have made comments to you and they shoildnt because they cany possi ly understand how tired you are.

I am not "basically telling them" that they cannot possibly understand how tired I am because I don't have small children.

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