Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

[lastqueenofscotland]

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

Ugh. I loathe the word “childless”.
Please educate yourself before using this word to describe people who do not have children.

@Maryscary088

[... being a surgeon ... A&E staff ... firemen / firewomen]

I actually do one of those jobs and have experienced it with and without small children (before children, with small children and with adult children) so I feel that I know what I am talking about compared with people who are healthy and childless. It is very tiring anyway, but when my children were small it was incredibly exhausting

If you're that exhausted, you probably shouldn't be at work? I don't want a surgeon who is knackered from being up all night with their kids. If you are that tired, please stay home from jobs where you might put someone else's life in danger.

Personally, unless I really haven't been paying attention (which is quite possible!) I really haven't heard the narrative that women are somehow inferior or incomplete unless they have had a child!

I’m sorry but then you haven’t been paying attention, or perhaps the comments haven’t been directed at you.

The first example that springs to mind is when Andrea Leadsom said that being a mother would make her a better prime minister.

I'm what I would call childless, unable to have them. Quite honestly reading some of the threads on here sometimes makes me think I'm lucky.

When I worked I used to get the same thing, eg, oh Silvery can do that, she doesn't need the time off like I do, I've got kids. I've also been told how dreadful for me not to have offspring to care for me in my old age. Apart from the fact I prefer to be independent, there's no guarantee even if you do have them.

I've had lots of upsetting things said to me: I'm not a real woman, I'm selfish, I'm denying DH the right to be a father, I think I'm better than everyone else, I don't know true love, my life is worthless and/or meaningless.

The worst though isn't really what has been said but what has been done. I used to be so close to my sister but we rarely talk now. She has made it clear that she thinks I am wrong in my decision to be childfree but she has also distanced herself because she tells me we have nothing in common. I miss her and would love to spend more time with her and my niece but every single time I call her, she greets me by asking if I have "any news?" and when I say no, or worse - tell her about a promotion at work or another type of news, she is clearly disappointed and ends the conversation quickly/is non committal about making plans. I honestly can't remember the last time we got together and am not even sure if I've met up with her this year. We used to be best friends.

XXcstatic My mother told me that she'd wanted a boy, didn't even have any girls names, and my auntie chose my name.
l'm quite a girlie girl. Loved making clothes for my dolls when l was little, then makeup and clothes when l got older. She was a tomboy when she was young, never wore makeup or perfume, wasn't interested in clothes. l don't think she knew what to do with me. l was much closer to my aunt (the one who chose my name). She had no children (l assume not through choice, as she would have been an amazing mother - she was the auntie who looked after everyone elses children) and l spent all the school holidays with her.
Some people really shouldn't have children. For their sakes, and the sakes of their offspring.
l adore my stepsons, and my ex told me that l was more of a mother to his eldest daughter than her mother had been. l still think l made the right choice though.

I've had them all.

I find a polite smile accompanied by "How interesting, but it's really none of your business" does the trick.

I'm 40 now so coming to the end of the line for these types of questions, although it's ramped up recently with the whole "you need to do it before it's too late!" bullshit.

Have kids - don't have kids. Women are judged regardless of their choice.

One of my closest friends and Godmother to my DC is child-free. She's known since we were at school that she never wanted DC and hasn't ever wavered from that stance. My DC adore her, she adores them and if she had wanted to be a Mother no doubt she would have been an incredible one. But rather than say that, I tell her how much my DC love her because her choices aren't mine to judge or question.

When my MIL met her (at a family get together) she rudely asked "when are you planning to have DC of your own?" and before my friend could respond announced "you're not really a woman til you've had a child and you certainly have no idea what love is". I overheard and shut her down, but I had truly no idea that other women were so vile about child -free women til I heard it for myself. My MIL is loathsome about the choices other women make, so it shouldn't be a surprise, but that was awful.

And as usual there's the parent come to tell us we're all wrong and can't possibly be as tired as they are whatever our lives blah blah blah.

All this 'you'll never know love like it if you don't have kids,' bollocks.

I have kids. I adore them, but they are all grown up and their love is now directed at their partners and their own children (except for the childless by choice ones, who have their own loves and interests).

Children absorb your time and love when they are small, yes, but eventually they grow up and leave and you end up in the same boat as those who don't have children (unless you martyr yourself to their cause and end up looking after your grandchildren).

I got a dog. Now that is lifelong unconditional love. (Also a fair few sleepless nights and not being able to go out/away at the drop of a hat).

"You do not truly become a woman until you have a child".

Right. So I'm a cabbage.

"Women are only fulfilled when they have a child. It's biology."

So I'm biologically defective. And will never be fulfilled.

"Women who don't want children are selfish".

Because bringing an unwanted child into the world is such a great thing to do.

"But who will take care of you when you are old?"

Because (a) your children are by default your future carers in your old age, (b) you will have no friends or loved ones to care for you, and (c) there's something wrong with actually paying people to care for you.

Oh, and:

Why are you on Mumsnet if you aren't a Mum? It's for Mums - just look at the name!

Oh I worked with one ‘you don’t know what tiredness is!’ ‘You are less selfish after a child’ ‘I can’t do anything with 2 kids!’ She would never go out at weekends, the kids just sat in going nuts with boredom. Her life was so hard she couldn’t get out with two
Kids...other people seem to manage it.

Yes to all of these! I got pregnant by accident when I'd been married for 7 years. Cue all the "you must have been trying for ages" comments. My response - no I've been trying not to get pregnant for ages. Then the "when are you having a second?" I'm not. Which was met with the comment that 1 child isn't a proper family, made by more than 1 person.

I think some people are envious of child free people and encourage procreation so that they don't feel they're missing out

I do totally respect my child free friends. However I’ve been frank and asked them directly if they wanted them, and if there was anything holding them back. Or if it was a positive choice. I asked it because I did not want them to regret not having kids. And I was a friend.

They don’t regret it and are having a very busy and child free life. It is difficult to keep up as our lives are different but I make a big effort and try not to talk kids too much etc.

I admire your honesty.
Ignore the ignorant mothers who comment you cant reason with ignorance and stupidity
I have two grown up children and would never dream about making lousy comments.

I’ve experienced both sides, since I was told from a young age I’d be unable to conceive, and was very open about the fact I never planned to try, didn’t want fertility treatment etc. The whole “but what will you do with your time?”, “what’s the point of your life?” questions were super tedious. And the “you have no idea what tiredness is” thing, when I had a very stressful job with very long hours plus ME plus endometriosis and adenomyosis, and interstitial cystitis which messed with my sleep, plus bouts of awful insomnia / waking from pain (I used to wake up every couple of hours at least), plus a terminally ill parent to care for... I used to wish just a tiny spell of post viral fatigue on those people.

Then I ended up pregnant, and it was twins, and both of them are disabled. Now I get the other side of it - mostly it’s pity, people who think I’ve destroyed my life.

Neither side is pleasant and I wish people would just stop.

(They were right about the sleep though. I still have all the same things I had to deal with before, plus toddlers who are allergic to sleep and - the biggest factor - never having the opportunity to rest and recuperate. Never being able to rest when sick, being forced to be awake for 3-4 hours in the middle of the night every night... I didn’t expect things to still be this bad with almost 3 year olds and it is relentless and brutal in a way that it just wasn’t pre-kids because I could come home from work and go to bed and stay there until I had to get up. So I will concede that, but otherwise all a load of shite).

maryscary

You may not have said anything to your colleague but your comments on this thread do suggest you think non-parents must be less tired. Your colleague isn’t necessarily “putting her feet up” for 3 days. That’s a very glib way to talk about the lives of those without children.

I am a mother and work full time, there have been times before having a child I was less tired than I am now, and times I was more tired. It just depends.

Let me tell you the most exhausting thing ever, more than having a newborn, was suffering with depression. That could be something happening to anyone at any time without you knowing. Please never assume what is going on in someone’s life, or how tired they are or are not.

I'm at the other end and get one of my life long friend's constantly having a go at me because I don't go regular night's out because I'm exhausted and if I'm childfree I like a night at home with my other half, relaxing! My hangover lasts 2 days now lol and I'm only child free for one at a push and I am literally on the go from when I wake up until I sleep with no weekends off due to kids activities/clubs.

Childfree doesn't mean someone babysitting for you, child free means not having kids at all.

I've been told I'm selfish and been asked who will look after me when I'm older in the same conversation. I asked how expecting kids to look after them in old age wasn't being selfish?

Blimey, I am a mum (to one)
BUT I'm behind you lot, 100%.
Some (loads of) motherfuckers are so incredibly smug. Such martyrs. Dickeads!

Enjoy your freedom is all I can say (in a very non-twatty way) - and I get it, I was always knackered pre-kid anyway!

I do totally respect my child free friends. However I’ve been frank and asked them directly if they wanted them, and if there was anything holding them back. Or if it was a positive choice. I asked it because I did not want them to regret not having kids. And I was a friend.

I do total respect my child free friends, but I think i know better than them about what they want.

Would you be fine with a friend asking you why you wanted kids and if it was a positive choice? Maybe wondering if you'd come to regret having kids?

slashlover l was just about to post something similar. lf one of my 'friends' asked me something like that l'd think it was none of their damn business. Why do people with children think they should foist their opinions on other people when they know nothing about the situation?

Where I used to work I sat right next to the entrance to the staff lounge and one woman used to stand in the doorway chatting endlessly to anyone who would listen about how exhausted she was, how difficult the kids were being, how much work she did because working part-time meant she actually worked full-time but got paid less...yet she was constantly in the staff room being totally unproductive. She was condescending to anyone without kids. I booked Christmas off because I had to travel visit my boyfriend at the time. She had a huge rant about how she was working Christmas because selfish "youngsters" won't.

I remember thinking she was such a dick and even though I have kids now so can see it from her perspective, I still think she was a total dick. Some people are just dicks.

She was only right about one thing...there is no exhaustion like it. I used to work a 12 hour day skipping lunch, then go to a corporate dinner, then entertaining clients at drinks and go back and sleep at the office with all the rest of my team as it was closer than going home. Being sleep deprived from a newborn is so so much worse. That is the only thing I will let her have.

You may not have said anything to your colleague but your comments on this thread do suggest you think non-parents must be less tired. Your colleague isn’t necessarily “putting her feet up” for 3 days. That’s a very glib way to talk about the lives of those without children.

Yes, I do think that non parents who do my job are less tired than parents of small children who do my job if they are healthy and don't have other caring responsibilities. I am not being "glib". I am just speaking from experience. My children are now adults and I am in the same position to my childless colleague and it wouldn't cross my mind to complain to those with small children about how tired I am because I work a few more hours a week in paid work than they do. That is because I have been on both sides.

I don't mind people asking me why I don't have kids. It's hardly a secret. I do mind the helpful suggestions about how I could get pregnant at 47. I also totally resent the implication that my life is any less useful than theirs because they successfully got knocked up; that I'm not entitled to time off during school holidays because I don't have children (even though it's my fucking company); that I don't know what love is (I got two dogs - I know more about unconditional love than any parent JoKE); that I don't know what tiredness is - I've been through fertility treatment four times, insomnia, depression, bereavement, looked after two terminally ill relatives, worked 80+ hour weeks - often several of these at the same time so yeah, I know tiredness; that I'm out partying or always on holiday (see above comments in being 47 and a business owner nit to mention the dogs and elderly relatives)....and too many other things to mention.

I've lost friends who decided that after they had children they had nothing in common with me anymore. I've also had those "hurry up and get pregnant so we can share this experience" comments which is actually a whole new level of cuntness.

I just decided to take Helen Mirrens advice and use fuck off more often.