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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

407 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 26/08/2019 09:19

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

OP posts:
CaptureCastles · 29/08/2019 14:27

Why are you on mumsnet if you don’t want to have kids / arnt planning on? Isn’t that a bit weird. Just saying

You must be new.

LemonRedwood · 29/08/2019 14:28

@StCharlotte

Actually I developed a pretty glib response to the questions...

Them: Do you have children?
Me: Nope. Tried. Failed. Booked another holiday.

Usually kills the conversation dead.

Thank you, I'm stealing that one! Have a family dinner coming up tonight and get the feeling I may use it liberally 😂

hipslikecinderella · 29/08/2019 14:28

I'm not new and haven't rtft as it's a billionty pageant long.

Please summarise.......?

HauntedPinecone · 29/08/2019 14:33

Why are you on mumsnet if you don’t want to have kids / arnt planning on? Isn’t that a bit weird. Just saying

Hark at this one ^^ Grin

I wonder if people like that think they are being really cutting and witty when they dive in with their acerbic wit. After 15 pages.

StCharlotte · 29/08/2019 14:35

LemonRedwood

You're welcome. Enjoy your dinner Grin

Rapbitch22 · 29/08/2019 14:43

@ArkwrightsTill

That’s equally as weird as a woman with no kids / plans to have kids being in here. Don’t know why you brought that up?

No, there is a support board for PARENTS who lost children.

Why would I care about lawyers, doctors, teachers opinions more than say a builder? Again, it seems strange you mentioned that.

I just remember when I had no children the last thing I would EVER think of doing is joining a mumsnet and commenting on a page ribbing parents!? Just seems totally weird to me. Sorry if that offends but it is weird. Havnt you got anything better to do? Confused

ArkwrightsTill · 29/08/2019 14:46

@rapbitch22 - just thought I’d inform you as you’re so confused why childfree people are here.

Ok, so would you want childfree builders on here to give you advice?

It doesn’t offend me, I just think you’re a bit odd.

Anything better to do than....? Talk about feminism, politics, food, travel, relationships and books? Sometimes but not right now, so I’m on mumsnet to talk about those things. Where else should I go to talk about them?

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 29/08/2019 14:50

Why are you on mumsnet if you don’t want to have kids / arnt planning on? Isn’t that a bit weird. Just saying

Hmm Grin ahh bless. Another with no original thoughts.

HauntedPinecone · 29/08/2019 14:51

Havnt you got anything better to do

Haven't you?! I thought the special mummies were too busy/tired/stressed to have a second to themselves?

showmethegin · 29/08/2019 15:16

I agree with this. A few years ago there was an accident at a family party I wasn't at whereby a toddler fell down some steps (thankfully they were fine and totally unharmed) while someone at the party was meant to be watching them for 10 minutes. The mum of the child said "oh, it really wasn't x's fault they fell; she doesn't have children so she wouldn't know".

I don't have children yet but I know not to take your eyes of a child near steps, just because I don't have kids, I'm not an idiot!

Giraffesinscarves · 29/08/2019 15:17

Them: Do you have children?
Me: Nope. Tried. Failed. Booked another holiday.

I'm not sure this is a great come back tbh. Seems like its trying too hard to be flippant but is actually really sad. Not sure what the right answer is tbh but would make me feel really bad for the other person Sad

CaptureCastles · 29/08/2019 15:19

@Rapbitch22

Oh, totally. I mean, it's not like I had parents, or have relationships with nephews/neices/godchildren so obviously I can't have an any opinion or interest in children, or participate in conversation about those things.

And every single thread is only about being a parent, right? I hardly ever see a thread about, say, parking, relationships, work or friends.

Totally weird. Go figure.

Rapbitch22 · 29/08/2019 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IAmALazyArse · 29/08/2019 15:27

Don't feed the troll, people.

ArkwrightsTill · 29/08/2019 15:30

@rapbitch22 - NO IT ISN’T

How do you know who is a parent and who isn’t unless they specify? I name change very regularly, as do lots of people so many parents are taking advice from childfree people. We don’t all need to be separated from each other.

If you actually read the thread you might learn something. Especially one of my previous posts where I explain WHY childfree and childlessness people are having this conversation on a parenting forum.

cockcrowfarm · 29/08/2019 16:05

I have only recently become a parent at 41, this is definitely not the most tired i have been. Work, studying, social life, mosquitoes in the bedroom are all very tiresome. It is however the most bored I've been. I'm like a dairy cow under sofa arrest!

lyralalala · 29/08/2019 16:10

I just remember when I had no children the last thing I would EVER think of doing is joining a mumsnet and commenting on a page ribbing parents!? Just seems totally weird to me. Sorry if that offends but it is weird. Havnt you got anything better to do? confused

I have six kids, but found mumsnet when looking for people who’d been through similar to me in their own childhood. Absolutely nothing to do with being a parent.

People find their way here for a myriad of reasons. There’s no requirement to provide your matb1 or kids birth certs when you signed up

PancakeAndKeith · 29/08/2019 16:39

Why are you on mumsnet if you don’t want to have kids / arnt planning on? Isn’t that a bit weird. Just saying

Oh I’m sorry. When I miscarried my only pregnancy I should have shuffled off.

violashift · 29/08/2019 18:09

I'm not sure this is a great come back tbh. Seems like its trying too hard to be flippant but is actually really sad. Not sure what the right answer is tbh but would make me feel really bad for the other person 

I think that is the point. Don't be rude enough to ask the question in the first place.

Lillyringlet · 29/08/2019 19:46

This whole competitive stuff over who is now tired seems to really be a huge issue.

I think the problem is that there are different types of exhaustion. There is long, middle and short term exhaustion. Short term is non stop hours or at most days of exertion. Running a marathon for instance.

Middle term is more like a project or working week - it is spread across days, weeks or months but has a deadline. It is for most a more mentally exhausting thing, though for some in more labour intensive roles or sports, it can be physical. It does though have an end point. Whether this is a holiday, the weekend, competition or end of a project. You get some relief a long the way with sleep, evenings and things but there is ultimately an end point or goal before it starts up again.

And finally long term. This is the slow burn. This is the one parents are talking about because there is no definite end point. It is on going.

It is not as intensive as the first two, but it is no mean feat either.

You have a job you hate but feel like there is no way out of a dead end job, you will be here too.

My uni course was at the time listed as the second most intensive ba in the country. We would have 5-10 students declared medically insane in final year due to lack of sleep or mental breaks. It was killer. You were lucky to have an evening or even a few hours to just chill out.

There was however, after 9 months, an end point and goal. I've never experienced anything like that year.

Even as a mum that 9 months was exhausting as a twenty something year old. Motherhood is exhausting but in a different way. It is a slow burn mainly mixed in with short and middle term stuff but it is the show burn off no goal that is their point of pain.

When you have a project that you are spending all your time on but know you can set it aside and it won't yet to kill itself doing something stupid. Or that you know there is a goal or milestone in sight at some point rather than wondering how many times you have to watch the same episode of peppa pig again.

I'm exhausted yes. I also know though that having some sort of focus or goal helps.

Look at those mums tell you they are exhausted - I bet they aren't the ones training for a marathon. It is not that the marathon mum is healthier so it is easier but that they have something to aim for and focus on. It is those without that that will go on about how "exhausted they are"

I get more rest and sleep than those uni days. I used to be a bloody triathlete and long distance runner. I've dealt with the long term effects of an abusive situation with a goal of escaping over a number of years via University.

All exhaustion is exhausting.

If they keep on about it, maybe ask them to help with a project no matter how big or small, as long as it has a clear end point or goal. You might find they stop telling you how tired they are...

BadLad · 29/08/2019 19:53

BadLad no!

Yep. This is Japan, not the UK. Attitudes are getting better, but are still way behind.

StCharlotte · 29/08/2019 20:03

Giraffesinscarves

Don't feel sad. I agree it's flippant (I don't have to try), I just want to swerve the conversation.

Ironically when I have wanted to talk about it no one's really interested. Especially people with children. That is sadder I think.

Longlongsummer · 30/08/2019 11:46

Ironically when I have wanted to talk about it no one's really interested. Especially people with children. That is sadder I think.

And yet when I said I’d talked and asked questions of my childless/childfree whatever close friends, because I actually cared, the whole thread here told me that was awful. That it was no one else’s business. How does anyone know it’s okay to talk about their feelings of being childless/childfree with others with children?

I’ve put that I sympathise here, me as a woman with children, with people on this thread. Isn’t time we let down the barriers on both sides?

IAmALazyArse · 30/08/2019 13:50

It's quite simple, really.
Don't barrage people with questions, just wait till they are ready to talk about it and start the discussion themselves. They will eventually. Like with any potentially upsetting topic.
Not that difficult.

SerenDippitty · 30/08/2019 13:56

@Longlongsummer

Nothing wrong in showing an interest, but you said you asked your friends why they’d chosen not to have kids because you wanted to be sure they wouldn’t regret it? That’s a whole lot different to showing an interest. It’s patronising.