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Original poster

Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids

407 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 26/08/2019 09:19

Just to flip the other thread on its head.
I am childfree by choice, I don’t hate children, I was a nanny for a number of years. I enjoy spending time with my friends children, but for various reasons it’s never been right for me. However some people with children have made some howlers of comments about this.

My two favourites remain
“You’ll grow out of it” as obviously not wanting children is hugely immature.

“You must just not have met someone you love enough or you’d want children with them” this drives me backwards as I ended up breaking up with someone I adored because he was desperate for a family.

OP posts:
StephenQueenBooks · 26/08/2019 10:39

"we need you to work Christmas so people with kids can spend it with their families"

Um. I don't have kids, but I do have a family. I refuse to work three Christmases in a row. It seems I've caused a bit of a stir because there are others saying the same thing and threatening to go to HR.

EL8888 · 26/08/2019 10:42

@isabellerossignol yeah the competitive tiredness thing, if it wasn't tiredness then it would be something else to compete about. E.g. the friend last week who always has to make sure she tells me l have EVERYTHING easier than her. Her life is just so so tough and no one understands. I was feeling ill from fertility drugs, they didn't work but she still has it way harder than l do. Hmmm ok. We all have our struggles but she doesn't seem able to appreciate that

aquarianaura · 26/08/2019 10:43

I can't even begin to explain how much comments like these upset me, I've had them all. For my entire life I was adamant I did not want children, and for the entire time I've been with my partner we agreed that we did not want children.

However, after certain traumatic events earlier this year we have changed our minds and have spoken at length about it. Now, we really do want a child. The main thing holding me back right now from even talking about this is all those people who will smugly say "I told you so" or who will make other jabs at us from up there on their high horse.

I still wholeheartedly disagree with all those arseholes and just because I happened to change my mind due to very personal reasons, it doesn't mean that those comments are at all ever okay to say to any woman ever, and it certainly doesn't mean that the "you'll change your mind/you're wrong/you're selfish/etc." tribe is ever right.

Let women have choices and let them change their minds. Respect us all regardless of either of those, and please, get off your high horse.

EL8888 · 26/08/2019 10:44

@StephenQueenBooks when l have ran rotas in previous jobs then that never washed with me! Everyone had a fair go on it, if you had the last Christmas off then you would be working this one. Why should l facilitate someone being selfish and not a team player? Everyone has reasons for wanting to be of at Christmas e.g. children, religion, just wanting to have a break, to travel, to do charity work etc. None are more or less valid than the other.

JudgeLinda · 26/08/2019 10:45

I admire people who dont have children through choice. Too many kids are born to parents who dont really want them, because there is pressure that being a mother is the ideal state.

So do I - I never wanted children because I came from a big family and hated sharing bedrooms toys etc - I changed my mind in my late 20s and had a daughter then I decided to have another child so my daughter would have a sibling for company - I don't regret having my children but I think I would have a lot more money if I was childless and could just spend my money on myself - I didn't have children to look after me in my old age either because that isn't how it works. My children actually like spending time with us and go on holiday with us once a year.

Sparklesocks · 26/08/2019 10:45

I once got sent this by a friend with kids, it’s lighthearted of course but I didn’t like the implication that childfree women have lots of time to mess about doing silly things because clearly they have nothing else going on

Comments that people with kids make to people with no kids
StephenQueenBooks · 26/08/2019 10:47

@EL888 you'd think it would be on a rota but the people with kids say they have families they need to be with and the people without kids should be thankful they can party on New year's.

I don't even drink. I hate new years!

IAmALazyArse · 26/08/2019 10:50

@Sparklesocks I so want to go and follow the goose now!

EL8888 · 26/08/2019 10:50

@StephenQueenBooks they don't need to, they want to be. People always seem to struggle to differentiate between wants and needs. I don't see why people should be given unfair treatment. Plus if l had chosen to give everyone with children Christmas off, for the 3rd or 4th year in a row. Then l would have left myself open to a grievance being opened against me and rightly so.

Zebraaa · 26/08/2019 10:50

My favourite one at work “zebraaa can work Christmas Day because she’s got no children”

isabellerossignol · 26/08/2019 10:53

Sparkle I've seen that shared by a few childfree women as a kind of middle finger to the people who moan about how hard their lives with children are. And good for them! Only you know your friend but maybe instead of it being 'look how lucky you are' she meant 'ha, next time someone tries to take a dig at you for having no children, just throw it straight back at them'.

IAmALazyArse · 26/08/2019 10:53

Ah. The Christmas.
I had an ill parent and it was probably last Christmas we would all have together. I had to fight so hard for the time off because "But I must be with little Billy" like that 8 Christmases before! It wasn't even about Christmas day itself because we were closed!
In the end I actually had to put in a resignation letter to show how serious I was.

Rainbowknickers · 26/08/2019 10:53

I work with a lady who is the best auntie in the world to her niece but doesn’t want kids herself
She’s stick of ‘Oh you’ll change your mind’ ‘but all women want kids-why don’t you?are you gay/a bit odd?’
She was having a rant about it and I just told her she might change her mind
She probably won’t
But it’s her womb and other people can just keep their noses out of it she shouldn’t have to give anyone a reason why she doesn’t want them-it’s fuck all to do with them
She told me afterwards she could have kissed me!lol finally someone understood her

dollydaydream114 · 26/08/2019 10:54

"we need you to work Christmas so people with kids can spend it with their families"

Yeah, I’ve been told that it ‘isn’t fair’ for me to have a few days off at Christmas because I don’t have kids. Never mind that I have older parents, one disabled, who live at the other end of the country and deserve to be hosted and fussed over and treated for a few days at Christmas like everyone else.

I’ve also been told that my relationship with my DP isn’t complete because we haven’t had kids. Whereas in fact the main reason we’ve never had kids is because we absolutely do feel our relationship is complete and that children aren’t something that’s missing from it.

irishtwo · 26/08/2019 10:57

The Christmas one or basically any school holiday in general! My DFs birthday is over mid term and as it’s a significant one this year we are going away but I can already hear my manager “really that’s the days that a,b and c will be looking can’t you book another few days” even though I have never taken that time and I can’t ask him to change his DOB - ( we are also fitting in with my niece and nephews school hols)

Sparklesocks · 26/08/2019 11:00

isabellerossignol oh yes definitely understand why a childfree woman would post it herself, but from a mother (who is constantly on about how tired/busy she is as a mum) to childfree me it just left a slightly bad taste in my mouth!

BaruFisher · 26/08/2019 11:00

The selfish comment- oh I became so much less selfish once I had children- no you didn’t- your selfishness just spread to encompass others too. Being childless/ child free does not make you selfish!!!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 26/08/2019 11:00

My worst is "Hunter can work late"; "Hunter can work over Christmas".... Sorry, chaps! Hunter is off to the gym and/or getting exceedingly drunk so off you pop to cover for yourself rather than deciding I'm doing it.

Maryscary008 · 26/08/2019 11:00

I'm sure being a surgeon and doing 8 hour+ procedures in operating theatres would massively take it out of anyone, A&E staff (enough said!), firemen / firewomen (shifts and potentially carrying dead people our of buildings etc).

I actually do one of those jobs and have experienced it with and without small children (before children, with small children and with adult children) so I feel that I know what I am talking about compared with people who are healthy and childless. It is very tiring anyway, but when my children were small it was incredibly exhausting.

The other person you work with was doing 1/3 longer hours than you at work, obviously l don't know how long your working day was but they were working longer.

They were working longer in paid work but doing a lot less overall! She was doing 1/3 more hours at work but then had three days to put her feet up. I on the other hand had very little free time whether at work or not so found it very irritating when she would go on about how tiring it was for her compared with us.

The other person you work with was doing 1/3 longer hours than you at work, obviously l don't know how long your working day was but they were working longer.

Zebraaa · 26/08/2019 11:01

@aquarianaura I totally get you. I’ve always been on the fence, not sure it’s for me etc and my friends have constantly been saying “you’ll change your mind” etc. Now I’m resentful to say I am swinging towards having children because I know the “told you so” smug comments I’d get. Infuriating!

PippiDeLena · 26/08/2019 11:01

"When you meet the right man you'll want kids!"

No I won't. Literally nobody's cock is that magical.

Ronsters · 26/08/2019 11:02

It used to be " you'll change your mind", now I'm older it's "do you regret it".
I get "but who will look after you when you're older". Like loads of old people don't get ignored by their children.

There is an assumption at work sometimes that if someone needs to stay/juggle hours it will be me, because I'm childless, and they don't like it when I refuse.
I find the "admiration" reactions the most irritating, I just don't want kids, it's nothing special. I don't see what is really to admire and find it a bit patronising.

Zebraaa · 26/08/2019 11:02

@Maryscary008 here to prove us all right about the competitive tiredness Hmm

WildImaginings · 26/08/2019 11:02

The Christmas thing gives me the rage.

I may not have kids but I have a very close family who take Christmas seriously. Why should I be expected to work more over Christmas- NO. I don't care if you did it to help your colleagues with kids before you had kids Sandra, I don't think they're any more entitled to time off than me so I won't be volunteering Hmm

Also, time off over half terms etc. I appreciate parents may need to book time off for childcare etc and I get that and always accommodate but it's the entitlement of some people.

When I started working on my previous team one of my colleagues helpfully told me that as she was the only one with children there tended to be an 'unwritten rule' that no one booked any leave over half terms, Easter, SUMMER (?!) in case she wanted time off.

I put her straight there and told her that, while the majority of my leave would be taken outside of school holidays (why would I pay more for a holiday if I don't have to) she had no right to monopolise months of the year just in case she wanted to book leave.

Sometimes I want to go on holiday/spend time with my sister who's a teacher who lives on the other side of the UK.

She soon shut up and the 'unwritten rule' was never mentioned again.

TroysMammy · 26/08/2019 11:03

You all obviously know the wrong people Smile. I've never been belittled for being childless by choice nor have I been pressurised to make anyone a Grandparent/Auntie. And yes I am selfish but I really don't care.

A friend admires me for not giving in and having children as he and his wife originally agreed not to have them, until she changed her mind. He loves his children but sometimes wishes things were different.