To stop my partner from watching porn?

[littlepeaegg]

I know there are threads on SO watching porn etc... but I just need some advice please.

I've been with my partner for 3 1/2 years now. We had a rocky start due to my anxieties but we are great now!

Today I asked if I could have a google on his iPad, and when I opened it up his history was open on the left hand side.

Well, he'd been looking at all sorts of porn! This was when he was away for work last weekend.

Bit of a back story; I've previously asked him if he watched porn and he said it wasn't his thing.

My sex drive is quite low due to meds at the moment, but I have communicated with him regarding this. He said it's absolutely fine.

So I guess I was a bit shocked, firstly that he's lied, which he said was because he was too embarrassed to tell me. And just the fact he watches it really!

I know it's considered 'normal'. I get that. But I just feel really shit and inadequate as a partner!!

How do you feel about this? Is it my insecurities creeping up on me again, that's why I'm upset?

And is it reasonable to ask him to not look at it or will that be too controlling.

He stated that what he does in his private time is up to him, and that it doesn't hurt me etc.

I just thought he might want to fantasise about me haha!

I've gone out for a drive to clear my mind as I'm due to go away for two weeks tomorrow and I really don't want to argue with him before I go!

Am I just being anxious? Any advice welcome. Thank you!

Yes YABU,

I’m sure you will get mixed opinions about this on here but IMO, YABU.

Of course YABU.

You can't control what he does whilst masturbating.
It's really non of your business u less he's looking at something illegal.

I think deep down I know I'm BU.

But I almost feel really jealous and insecure?? Even though I know he's not cheating etc.

To be honest, I think YABU. He has been understanding about your lack of sex drive, and he has been watching porn in private as an aid to masturbation. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

As for ‘why doesn’t he fantasise about you’... well, perhaps he does. That doesn’t mean he can’t also watch porn to get him going. Porn is more about the acts, not the actors. He probably doesn’t even fancy the actual women in the films; he’s just excited by what they’re doing. Which is pretty normal.

It doesn’t mean you’re inadequate. It simply means he’s found a way of relieving himself, as it were, when you’re not available to him.

Porn is about different, not the same as you've got at home. He's not comparing, he doesn't think they're better than you. You've nothing to worry about.

If it's a deal breaker for you then end it. Attitudes to porn are important in a relationship. I'm not saying who I think is wrong or right but it can cause big problems if your feelings on it are different.

Thank you all for laying it out like that.

I've had some time to think and you are right. I have nothing against porn in itself. I think as I wasn't expecting it I was just shocked perhaps.

Now to go home with my tail between my legs and apologise

You sound incompatible OP, he obviously wants to watch porn and you want to try to control him by stopping him, somehow.
Cut your losses and find a compatible person.
You have accused him of lying when he hasn't as well.
I don't mind porn and enjoy it either independently or with my dh.
I couldn't be with a man if I didn't like it and he did, though.

Depends what type of porn. If it degrades women then no YANBU.

Personally I wouldn’t want to be with a man who thinks the commodification and objectification of women is OK. And if it’s free or cheap porn there is a good chance that it’s involving exploited or trafficked women.

To be honest I hate anything like that but its probably my age 59. That being said its better than him cheating on you in reality.

Blimey. So your opinion of men is so low that you think it’s a choice between porn or cheating?

I would feel the same OP. Sort of instigate but looking at the replies here I would say that it says more about me...

However, personal feelings aside. I despise porn. I did when I was single and I always will.
The porn industry is not great to women, so I guess a lot of my feelings come from that too.

** sort of inadequate even

You will be told that you are being unreasonable, but I completely understand where you're coming from.

YABU

My It's porn use escalated to the point where it became an addiction and we almost list our marriage.
There was a LOT of lying Ang and gaslighting and we lost our sex life as he was so desentisised..
Plus I found that much of the content was so objeftifuing of women, especially the young.
I hate it.

I dont think I'd be annoyed about the porn, though it's always different when actually confronted with the evidence and I think its a normal human reaction to feel a bit funny about it. But I'd be pissed off he lied about it (if you asked the question in a genuine way and not in a 'you're not into that vile stuff I hope...?' type of way)

My opinion is so low of men? What's made you come to that conclusion?

I only said that because after looking on the internet, lots of sites saying that it ends in cheating!

It's not what I think of him at all. I know and trust that he wouldn't do that.

And also, just because he watches porn and I'm a little shocked by it doesn't mean we aren't compatible haha! I'm not going to end a perfectly great relationship because I've had a funny five minutes over the thought of my partner watching porn.

Also remind him that men wanked perfectly satisfactorily before there was photography or film.

*stoopid phone typos

Also, for whoever said he didn't lie.... well I think he did?

I asked him a few weeks back if he watched porn and he said no? So I guess I would class that at lying or 'hiding the truth' from me.

My comment was to the poster who said it’s better than cheating- as if they were the only two options. Sorry- I should have targeted my post better.

YANBU. Porn is damaging to relationships. There's good research showing that use of porn diminishes attraction to real women, because it sets up false norms for bodies and sex.