To stop my partner from watching porn?

[littlepeaegg]

I know there are threads on SO watching porn etc... but I just need some advice please.

I've been with my partner for 3 1/2 years now. We had a rocky start due to my anxieties but we are great now!

Today I asked if I could have a google on his iPad, and when I opened it up his history was open on the left hand side.

Well, he'd been looking at all sorts of porn! This was when he was away for work last weekend.

Bit of a back story; I've previously asked him if he watched porn and he said it wasn't his thing.

My sex drive is quite low due to meds at the moment, but I have communicated with him regarding this. He said it's absolutely fine.

So I guess I was a bit shocked, firstly that he's lied, which he said was because he was too embarrassed to tell me. And just the fact he watches it really!

I know it's considered 'normal'. I get that. But I just feel really shit and inadequate as a partner!!

How do you feel about this? Is it my insecurities creeping up on me again, that's why I'm upset?

And is it reasonable to ask him to not look at it or will that be too controlling.

He stated that what he does in his private time is up to him, and that it doesn't hurt me etc.

I just thought he might want to fantasise about me haha!

I've gone out for a drive to clear my mind as I'm due to go away for two weeks tomorrow and I really don't want to argue with him before I go!

Am I just being anxious? Any advice welcome. Thank you!

Lots of things are normal that other people find unpleasant, unappealing or offensive though, aren’t they? Just because it’s normal doesn’t mean a person has to accept it if it makes them uncomfortable or unhappy, or if it causes them to judge a partner in a different light.
We all get to draw our own boundaries.

Yes, I wouldn’t be blaming the OP if she voted with her feet in these circumstances...

Gosh, I didn’t realise so many women thought so little of themselves, or other women, that they feel porn is perfectly okay

I think we just live in the real world!

Women watch porn too and not all performers are women!

I watch porn all the time, it's totally seperate from my partner. Just a means to an end.. I'm not lusting after the actors and don't compare my DP. You've said yourself your sex drive is low so isn't it better that he takes care of himself rather than be a pest around you?

At the risk of making the same point in a different way, lots of things happen in the “real world” that people might find unattractive, unpleasant, unethical or just generally horrible.
In the real world people are often dishonest, violent, cruel. We are not required to tolerate any of these things if we don’t wish to.

It’s a deal breaker for me and I made it clear right from the start that it was. You say you asked him and he said it wasn’t for him. Now you’ve found he lied. So, no, you’re not being unreasonable.

The fact that incest porn is one of the most popular categories, usually dad daughter if my info is correct, and that this doesn't really raise any eyebrows is concerning, to me.

The fact that 30 years ago a man with this predilection would have been considered a totally gross perve and possibly dangerous. Is now oh well its just a category is very popular, like just normal, yes I find that worrying.

Everyone can set their own boundaries sure, but we are all a part of society and so when things are normalised in society there is pressure not to be out of step. We are social animals.

This is moving away from the op though.

OP I don't like porn.

You however have no objections to it so I don't see why you don't want him to watch it. He's going to wank and if he's not watching something he can imagine whatever. You really can't control that. And a fantasy is just that, a fantasy. Everyone has them.

To cook: a man who needs porn to “take care of himself” ( how very twee you are) surely has a problem, no? A healthy man can generally manage unaided

Its possible to be against porn whilst still accepting that your partner can make his own choices.

I think if you dont have a sex drive though, hes going to wank. I think its probably not the best time to start putting restrictions on what he can or cant do/watch while wanking if youre not interested in sex with him.

Saying that, its also up to you if this is a dealbreaker, as it would be for many women. You can walk away for whatever reason you choose.

Not RTFT so don't know if someone's already mentioned this, but ...

They did some research on once comparing men that did watch porn, with those that didn't.

Unfortunately for the researchers, they were not able to find any men that did not watch porn!!

So the research ended up concluding all men watch porn! Instead of looking at what they'd hoped, comparing various outcome measures between those that do watch it, and those that don't!

Why women belittle other women who are very uncomfortable with their partner watching porn is baffling to me.
If you don't like the idea then you don't!

If you don't care about women being degraded or that women are trafficked and abused for it then maybe there's something wrong with you!

I know a woman who didn't mind her husband watching porn, until he was so obsessed he ran up many thousands of pounds of debt paying for interactive porn sites. He also developed penile dysfunction. It's ruined their marriage.
I know it's not every man who gets into that situation but too many do.

YABVU

Theres a very interesting Jon Ronson series of free documentaries about the porn industry on audible. It's fascinating how much free porn has changed the world.

“The research ended up co clouding that all men watch porn.”
If it did, it was not conducted competently.
I suspect, however, it concluded no such thing.

Me too.

You are allowed to object to porn in general, or object to your partner watching it. It’s up to you. It’s how you feel about it.

Why would that be unreasonable? Jeez

There is a incognito mode which doesn't show in a normal history. Just thought it might be handy info for some 😁

Don't feel insecure or jealous. It's not that he is dreaming about being with them.
Yabu, yanbu, only you know. Everyone has a different opinions on it.

To the poster who said man managed to wank before porn... Even 5000 years ago there was some form of it. Now we have movies. Before it was photos, before drawings, sculptures and so on. So there was always "porn" in some way.

“So there was always "porn" in some way.”
Of course. It didn’t involve the objectification and commodification of living, breathing exploited women, though.

One study found that 90 per cent of content on the most popular porn sites featured physical or verbal abuse against women

From an interesting article in the independent:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/the-truth-about-pornography-its-time-for-a-rude-awakening-8735043.html%3famp

So what is everyone watching? Are you managing to find the 10% of porn that isn’t explicitly abusive?

Are the sex workers wearing condoms? Because apparently that’s quite rare.

“Don’t feel insecure or jealous.” Supposing she is, why on earth do you think saying that will help? Do you believe porn never influences how a man relates to his partner? If so, I might need to repeat advice further up thread re: acquainting yourself with the real world.
The issue here, of course, is that for some reason, many women are very heavily invested in defending male rights to use porn at all costs. Beats me why theyre so bothered, but they clearly are.

Erotica in some form has always been about as it’s from our sexual fantasies

The instant access to porn and that we are now viewing more has led to wanting to be easily entertained in more taboo subjects as much of porn is about our taboo fantasies - this is not knew just it’s more easily accessed

I do have concerns over porn having such an influence but I don’t view everyone who watches porn as being the problem it should be regulated better as creates huge amounts of money or that all involved are victims some people are exhibitionists

What goes on in in peoples thoughts and we can view online (even if acting out uncomfortable fantasies like mother and step son) is at times best kept to ourselves it’s not real and that is what he has done - it does not mean he feels differently about you

But porn can impact how people view sex and influence what people expect from others but that doesn’t seem to be happening

I agree with all of @BertrandRussell ‘s comments.

I agree with you OP. I DO have an issue with my DH watching porn - because in my eyes he can not guarantee that it is as ethical as it can be. I have a huge issue that those men/women have been forced into something.
I also had a wobble where I felt like he was imagining himself with those women over me - which I didn’t like. (Even though I fully understand it’s a ‘means to an end’ so to speak)
Thats my opinion. I’m also aware that I’m often thebhuge minority when conversations about porn come up.
Also - i don’t watch it at all, ethical or not so that may impeded my judgment 🤷🏼‍♀️

“ll involved are victims some people are exhibitionists“

Oh yes. All those women freely and joyfully fulfilling their exhibitionist fantasies.......All a wonderful, mutually beneficial virtuous circle.