To stop my partner from watching porn?

[littlepeaegg]

I know there are threads on SO watching porn etc... but I just need some advice please.

I've been with my partner for 3 1/2 years now. We had a rocky start due to my anxieties but we are great now!

Today I asked if I could have a google on his iPad, and when I opened it up his history was open on the left hand side.

Well, he'd been looking at all sorts of porn! This was when he was away for work last weekend.

Bit of a back story; I've previously asked him if he watched porn and he said it wasn't his thing.

My sex drive is quite low due to meds at the moment, but I have communicated with him regarding this. He said it's absolutely fine.

So I guess I was a bit shocked, firstly that he's lied, which he said was because he was too embarrassed to tell me. And just the fact he watches it really!

I know it's considered 'normal'. I get that. But I just feel really shit and inadequate as a partner!!

How do you feel about this? Is it my insecurities creeping up on me again, that's why I'm upset?

And is it reasonable to ask him to not look at it or will that be too controlling.

He stated that what he does in his private time is up to him, and that it doesn't hurt me etc.

I just thought he might want to fantasise about me haha!

I've gone out for a drive to clear my mind as I'm due to go away for two weeks tomorrow and I really don't want to argue with him before I go!

Am I just being anxious? Any advice welcome. Thank you!

there are women who enjoy being openly sexual and acting out fantasies and like being watched it’s a turn on for some

Is that tired old line still being peddled in the industry?

Good posts @ILikeyourHairyHands @BertrandRussell

Oh, and the study a PP cited re men watching porn, the critera was that they had 'never' seen any porn, and they couldn't find any participants that had not seen any porn.

I saw porn when I was 18/19, never since, DD is of the opinion she'll never date a porn watcher. DS used to, until he met his first serious girlfriend and she told him what she, and the wider community in their country, thought of it.

It's not a massive step for girls to fall into the industry and be exploited. I am giving zero clicks, zero ad revenue, zero money to an industry I deem abhorrent to young women.

Thing is, I don't think it is his business, I think it's everyone's business that people use porn. If it's totes cool, share your fave videos on Facebook, share them with your Mum, if there's no shame, if porn is completely cool, let's all get involved, let's get those scenarios on social-media, c'mon now, all join in.

The thing about porn and sex that people often miss is that it's often 'forbidden' scenarios that people find a massive turn-on, and the reason they find them a turn-on is because of psycho-sexual problems that people have, we live in a society in which SEX is everywhere, but true intimacy and understanding of sexuality are rare.

Sex is so tied in with patriarchy, sexual violence, abuse, shame and skewed views of female sexuality, that an honest sexuality is so rare as to be unbelievable.

And that makes me sad. And angry. As long as we accept porn, and the harm it does, we're denying men and women an honest and equitable and joyous physical relationship.

It's shit, and it's propagating shit to the next generation, to your children.

Don't you want better for them?

It’s not about watching sexy stuff or erotica for me, online mass porn is sordid and misogynistic. I have no problem with being turned on by a sexy scene in a movie for instance but huge cocks being rammed down women’s throats or up their arses- not a turn on or remotely sexy.

It's that age-old question too - how many of you want to work in the porn industry? Or see it as a career choice for your children?

The last three posts sum it all up for me. Very well said.

Erm @SimplySteveRedux I am one of those women, yet I do it for free too. But sure, you know me and women like me better than me, right? God forbid any woman could be willingly overtly sexual, filthy, kinky and enjoy it and enjoy being paid for it.

Your internalised mysogyny is showing. Get over your self.

@Nanny0gg how many want to work in McDonalds or the chippy or want that as a career for their children?

Give over.

YABU
My dh watches porn when he wants a gentleman's half hour or if he wants it and I'm not too fussed. Sometimes I even watch it with him.
I dunno if I'm just chill but it doesn't bother me at all.

I’m not ashamed of having sex with my husband, or using vibrators, but I’m not going to start sharing videos of that on Facebook, or with great aunt Doris.

Andy, I don't want to be horrible but do you do it for free, if so you enjoy being paid for it? You said both.

And what is it? Sex? Porn? Prostitution?

I really don't want to diminish your experience, and I would be here if you need help, but to speak of sex as filthy and to say you enjoy being paid for it, suggests a sexuality that hasn't been nutured in a healthy environment.

I don't judge you for that at all. I do think you may have some internalised misogyny though.

(And Steve is a bloke to any misogyny would be exactly that).

Your internalised mysogyny is showing.

Wow.

Andy what would be really helpful would be if you could signpost to your work so those who like porn but are concerned about exploitation can view something they know does not involve anything detrimental to the performers.

Given that some people are going to watch it whatever, knowing for sure the performers are not coerced etc is better than watching random freely available stuff where the performers could be in any situation.

I think it depends on what is going on in the porn videos, doesn’t it?

Is it violent porn or simulated rape? That would be a “no” from me. Of course that would affect his attitude to sex over time.

Or is it some cringe girl-on-girl scene or one of the “I shagged the neighbour / babysitter / secretary” masterpieces?

Most porn is so utterly shit and tacky, I’d rather use my imagination tbh.

I don't think working in the fast-food industry or the sex industry has equivalence.

This isn't a fight between you and me Andy, and I'm not your enemy.

This is a fight against those that would pit us aginst eachother.

I remember going to a mainstream site once few years back.

There were loads of thumbnails all over front page of women who looked unconscious, not on sets but in people's homes. Passed out on the sofa etc.

That was when I said nope not interested any more.

Couple years later one or more sites said they would no longer host content around rape.

Everyone said how progressive awesome.

I mean, seriously?

Everything in your sex life should be 100% ok to share on facebook or there's something wrong with you, morally and on a personal level. You heard it here first.

It actually is people's own business. Sometimes we do not want to have sex and DP sorts things out themselves, I mean this is a reality of life.

I think you have a right not to have this brought into your life, OP. Nobody needs to see which particular kind of porn any man on the planet claims not to use but does use anyway, this is private stuff and should be kept so imo.

All these women getting on their high horses over porn when you can guarantee all their husbands watch it

I already said I have no problem with masturbation. Masturbation is good. There should be no shame attatched to masturbation.

I'd be quite happy to share the fact I masturbate, I'd share it on FB. Would I share my sexual fantasies with the wider world? Not necessarily so. My fantasies aren't always healthy, I accept that, which is why I keep them in my head and don't expect other people to act out my unhealthy fantasies for my enjoyment.

Why aren't my fantasies always healthy? Because they were formed within an unhealthy societal environment. Do I recognise that my sexual desires are base feelings that were formented in a less than perfect environment? Yes I do.

Have I endeavoured to centre my sexual desires in a healthy way? Yes I have.

Has it benfited me and my relationships? Yes, it really has.

Do I think I have insight into the world, and the confused manisfestation of sexuality that many people profess? Yes I do.

And as I said earlier Zebraaa, I'm not your enemy, I'm not on my high-horse. We shouldn't be at odds.

It's the eternal patriarchal gambit, set the woman against eachother whilst we do as we please.

I don't fight women.

It would be a deal breaker for me.
If I found out my DH had been watching it then there would be no discussion, straight divorce as I made my expectations clear from the get go.

If he knows you don't like it then he shouldn't do it, that's the first unwritten rule of a successful relationship, to not want to hurt or upset your significant other.
Lying about it means he has little regard to your feelings and does not respect you - he will not stop, he will just find new ways to hide it.

So- all the people on here who make good ethical choices about their porn in the same way that they do about their clothes, pesticides and meat. Could you explain how you do it?

All these women getting on their high horses over porn when you can guarantee all their husbands watch it

Can women not hold views and opinions of their own unless their husbands subscribe to them?

You can’t guarantee that every man watches it. That’s a ridiculous thing to say.