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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop my partner from watching porn?

232 replies

littlepeaegg · 25/08/2019 16:35

I know there are threads on SO watching porn etc... but I just need some advice please.

I've been with my partner for 3 1/2 years now. We had a rocky start due to my anxieties but we are great now!

Today I asked if I could have a google on his iPad, and when I opened it up his history was open on the left hand side.

Well, he'd been looking at all sorts of porn! This was when he was away for work last weekend.

Bit of a back story; I've previously asked him if he watched porn and he said it wasn't his thing.

My sex drive is quite low due to meds at the moment, but I have communicated with him regarding this. He said it's absolutely fine.

So I guess I was a bit shocked, firstly that he's lied, which he said was because he was too embarrassed to tell me. And just the fact he watches it really!

I know it's considered 'normal'. I get that. But I just feel really shit and inadequate as a partner!!

How do you feel about this? Is it my insecurities creeping up on me again, that's why I'm upset?

And is it reasonable to ask him to not look at it or will that be too controlling.

He stated that what he does in his private time is up to him, and that it doesn't hurt me etc.

I just thought he might want to fantasise about me Grin haha!

I've gone out for a drive to clear my mind as I'm due to go away for two weeks tomorrow and I really don't want to argue with him before I go!

Am I just being anxious? Any advice welcome. Thank you!

OP posts:
StarlingsInSummer · 26/08/2019 17:43

And yes, written material is different, especially because you know no one is actually being raped! My point is that people get turned on by stuff they don’t want to do themselves. It isn’t that that kind of porn is acceptable.

Fraggling · 26/08/2019 17:44

Oh I see.

Yes the search for ever more extreme stuff, as they get desensitised.

A lot of men unable to perform in real life. And / or making demands on women that are really extreme. Women being injured etc.

Mistake to say it never crosses over to real life? It clearly does.

Where do they go next. Women will have to be seriously injured to satisfy. Or something. Not good.

StarlingsInSummer · 26/08/2019 17:49

Oh yes, violence definitely crosses over to real life when it comes to extreme sex acts - the revalence of anal and extreme oral especially.

Someone made the point above that a lot of videos have different titles but show the same stuff - so a video which essentially shows two people having pretty normal sex will get lots more clicks if it’s apparently incestuous. I think that’s the search for the outre rather than an indictation that many porn watchers want to sleep with family members. I’d hope so anyway.

Fraggling · 26/08/2019 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fraggling · 26/08/2019 17:57

Incest has a meaning.

Incest porn is one of the most popular categories.

I mean that's the facts. All the ways to say oh but it's not as bad as it sounds, to justify. Maybe just maybe it is straightforward.

SonEtLumiere · 26/08/2019 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmALazyArse · 26/08/2019 18:35

Where are you getting that incest porn "facts"?

www.pornhub.com/insights/2018-year-in-review

Fraggling · 26/08/2019 18:42

Incest has a meaning.

That is a fact, isn't it. Or is this another thing where people redefine words.

PP mentioned its a popular category. I've heard tat before.

That it even exists and is allowed as a tag / category is vile tbh.

I'm not clicking a porn hub link I mean durr.

FFSFFSFFS · 26/08/2019 18:46

I used to be a "cool girl" and would have said nothing wrong with porn, none of your business.

Now that I'm older and have more experience in life - all porn is degrading and taking advantage of women.

Theoretically it might be possible to make porn that is not. But it is not possible currently.

IAmALazyArse · 26/08/2019 18:51

I dare to guess that minimum of people actually care about the word "incest", I doubt many actually read the titles anyway. The popularity imho is more because it features "older" actresses and actors like Stormy, who are still extremely popular.

Aaarrgghhh · 26/08/2019 20:18

Its possible to be against porn whilst still accepting that your partner can make his own choices.

I think if you dont have a sex drive though, hes going to wank. I think its probably not the best time to start putting restrictions on what he can or cant do/watch while wanking if youre not interested in sex with him.

Saying that, its also up to you if this is a dealbreaker, as it would be for many women. You can walk away for whatever reason you choose.

I agree with this. Everyone has their own opinion on porn and that’s fine, your boundaries are yours to set. If you need to leave a relation because of differences that’s okay. But you can’t tell someone not to watch porn, you can give your view, listen to their response and decide what to do from there.

lavenderandthyme · 26/08/2019 20:26

That is based on the assumption that a man can’t use his imagination You know, that thing people used before the internet...

Beaverdam · 26/08/2019 21:03

Him watching porn is none of your business. Im sorry but its the truth. Stop being so controlling.

Alsohuman · 26/08/2019 21:05

Of course it’s her business. It affects their relationship. And he’s lied to her.

WestBerlin · 26/08/2019 21:26

It’s her business, but she doesn’t have the right to dictate to him. She has the right to end the relationship if she doesn’t like him watching porn, but no, she can’t tell him what to do.

I’m not getting involved in the porn debate because I don’t see what merit it has tbh, its always the same thing repeated over and over, and yet people keep on watching it as others keep on hating it. Porn is legal, and ubiquitous, and if people want to watch it they can, whether you think they should or not. You may not like it, but you’re not owed an explanation.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 26/08/2019 22:07

The debate obviously has merit, just because something is ubiquitous it doesn't mean it should be accepted without question.

The death penalty used to be ubiquitous for all manner of minor trangressions, we don't have it now because we had a conversation about it as a society and it's no longer considered reasonable in many countries.

WestBerlin · 26/08/2019 22:39

I don’t see it as parallel to the death penalty, but sure, it’s a social conversation that those interested in having are more than entitled to have.

In terms of prevailing social trends though, the floodgates are open and porn is here to stay. Conservatives fought and lost this war in the 80s, with the advent of the internet the horse has well and truly bolted.

I don’t care if you don’t want to watch it, by all means don’t. That’s your choice and has no bearing on my life. I said before in this thread, I do watch porn but understand and respect those that don’t, and if someone isn’t comfortable with it in their relationship then they should leave. What they don’t have the right to do is dictate to someone else.

katesalwayslate · 27/08/2019 04:31

YABU

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 27/08/2019 05:31

Porn is disgusting. YANBU! I think its cheating. If theres nothing wrong with him watching then why would he lie? Embarrassing he says? I beg to differ. Because he knows it's wrong is why.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 27/08/2019 05:49

I do think porn is foul. Porn is repulsive, grim and dysfunctional. Show me some delightful porn and I'll show you mine.

PositiveVibez · 27/08/2019 06:04

YABU
My dh watches porn when he wants a gentleman's half hour or if he wants it and I'm not too fussed. Sometimes I even watch it with him

Gentleman 😂😂😂

Gentle man

There is fuck all gentle about watching a woman being fucked up the arse so your gentle man can wank himself off.

I dunno if I'm just chill but it doesn't bother me at all

Wow. You're sooooo cool 🙄.

I can't believe women condone this and actually go out of their way to say its all good.

As a pp said though, it is very important to some women, that they make it acceptable in their minds and have been conditioned to make it so. Otherwise, what does it say about the men they choose.

Fucking gentleman indeed 😒

ILikeyourHairyHands · 27/08/2019 06:16

Yep. I'm with you all the way Positive

Jesaminecollins · 27/08/2019 06:25

@ILikeyourHairyHands (like the name lol)

Porn is not my cup of tea and luckily my partner has never watched it. I did spot he had been watching Naked Attraction on All4. When I asked him about it he said he forgot what a naked woman looked like so he was refreshing his memory(cheeky bugger)

BellyButton85 · 27/08/2019 06:31

If my husband wants some and I don't feel like it I tell him to go and watch some porn and have fun. I don't believe he actually has by my saying that but I genuinely mean it if it means we're both happy. If he was away working then of course if that's what makes him 'happy' but I do understand others think of it as cheating. Depends on your stance on it I suppose. I had an ex partner that worked a long time off shore and I wouldn't expect him to have not because I didn't like it (only when we were trying for a baby and I asked him not to, to save up IYSWIM)

BellyButton85 · 27/08/2019 06:34

@Jesaminecollins do you really believe he's never watched porn Shock
Me and my husband watch Naked Attraction together sometimes for a giggle, it's hysterical. You should both try it sometime before they realise how bad/stupid it is and take it off air ha

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