To stop my partner from watching porn?

[littlepeaegg]

I know there are threads on SO watching porn etc... but I just need some advice please.

I've been with my partner for 3 1/2 years now. We had a rocky start due to my anxieties but we are great now!

Today I asked if I could have a google on his iPad, and when I opened it up his history was open on the left hand side.

Well, he'd been looking at all sorts of porn! This was when he was away for work last weekend.

Bit of a back story; I've previously asked him if he watched porn and he said it wasn't his thing.

My sex drive is quite low due to meds at the moment, but I have communicated with him regarding this. He said it's absolutely fine.

So I guess I was a bit shocked, firstly that he's lied, which he said was because he was too embarrassed to tell me. And just the fact he watches it really!

I know it's considered 'normal'. I get that. But I just feel really shit and inadequate as a partner!!

How do you feel about this? Is it my insecurities creeping up on me again, that's why I'm upset?

And is it reasonable to ask him to not look at it or will that be too controlling.

He stated that what he does in his private time is up to him, and that it doesn't hurt me etc.

I just thought he might want to fantasise about me haha!

I've gone out for a drive to clear my mind as I'm due to go away for two weeks tomorrow and I really don't want to argue with him before I go!

Am I just being anxious? Any advice welcome. Thank you!

@BertrandRussell my apologies!

YABU

Well, I have spoken to him now.

He has also apologised and said he needs to be a little more considerate.

There's a huge back story but my last partner had an affair and had another family which I had no idea about.

So my anxieties can surface at times.

I am okay with him watching porn when he is away for work etc. As long as it doesn't come between our sex life (or lack of at the moment!) or our relationship.

I do think I was just shocked as was googling 'the curly hair method' and came across 'brazzers step mom and daughter'

I don’t think YABU for wanting him not to watch, as porn is very problematic in itself and it can damage your sexlife with a partner. BUT if he doesn’t want to stop, YABU to try to force him. You either need to live with it or leave him. Or possibly try relationship counselling.

Also, I’d say it’s absolutely no reflection on how he feels about you, and if your sex drive is low at the moment, and he’s not pressuring you or being in any way an arse about that, it’s not really fair to get on his case about having a wank.

YABU to feel jealous (though I understand that’s hard to control) and to be hurt that he’s not fantasising about you - I think that especially if you haven’t wanted to do it much recently.

You only have to read these threads to see what damage porn is doing to so many relationships .
Anyone who thinks it is harmless and fine I just don’t understand.
I think it’s vile and would not want to be with a man who watches it . Men who do not watch it seem to be very rare these days. That is not a good thing.

I don’t think saying you don’t watch porn is really a lie, it’s very personal and abit embarrasing. I wouldn’t tell my OH what I watch alone and him the same. I think if people have different sex drives and you don’t want it that much, you can’t penalise for him having some alone time....

YABU. You've no right to dictate what another adult chooses to view online or think about when wanking.

You can not like it, and choose to leave the relationship if its a deal breaker for you.

There is more than one issue here.

Firstly, I don't agree with you trying to stop him watching it. You can't control another person's behaviour, and shouldn't try.

If he knows how it makes you feel and still wants to continue then you should ask yourself if you want to continue being with someone who disregards your feeling in this way?

You don't say what type of porn he was watching but from what little I've seen, the free stuff is just downright nasty.
While there may be exceptions in which some pornography depicts healthy sexual activity and respectful gender relations, the truth is that pornography is dominated by hostile sexism, frequent violence, and general dehumanization and objectification.

I would be more concerned about the lying than the watching. He said that 'he lied because he was embarrassed', so would that mean if he was embarassed about other matters he wouldn't tell you? (Say he lost £3,000 gambling for example?)

Only you can make a decision about how you want to move forward.

Why do people insist on harping on about men watching porn?

Plenty of women also watch it.

I think you are being massively unreasonable. He shouldn’t have to pay for the faults of your previous partner! If the insecurities continue on he may well call it a day so you need to try and move past it.

Looking at porn has nothing to do with you not being good enough. It scratches an itch so to speak.

It’s interesting that people never want to face the issue of how porn is made and by whom.

My feeling is that porn is degrading to, and exploitative of, women. It is well known that it damages relationships and can cause erectile dysfunction. It seems to me that everybody connected with porn is degraded by it and self-esteem is affected in both watchers and partners.

@BertrandRussell

Quite.

Porn exploits and objectifies ppl (esp women). It's dangerous work, often done under coercion. No thanks.

He sounds lovely
We can’t control what other people do. We can work our what our own boundaries are and from that, work our what sort of person we want to be with and what sort if relationships we want to have😞

YABVU

Personally I wouldn’t want to be with a man who thinks the commodification and objectification of women is OK. And if it’s free or cheap porn there is a good chance that it’s involving exploited or trafficked women.

This. I think YANBU to tell him you feel uncomfortable with him watching it (as well as what others have mentioned about desensitisation), but if he still goes ahead obv that's his choice and then you can decide where you go from there.

Why do people insist on harping on about men watching porn?

Because the OP’s partner is a bloke, so relevant no?

Plenty of women also watch it

Sigh.

YABU

It is a pretty normal thing for men and women to do.

Me and my partner have a healthy sex drive and good relationship but we both watch porn independently of each other.

I dunno what to say really except that it obviously shocked you and I hope you're okay xx

Gosh, I didn’t realise so many women thought so little of themselves, or other women, that they feel porn is perfectly okay.

It’s not. It’s not okay to traffic women or coerce them into sex. It’s not okay for women to be portrayed as our society as sex objects. It’s not okay to use and abuse women because someone wants to get off.

Why don’t women demand more from men, from each other, from society?

If you're OK with porn from an ethical point of view then I don't see the objection.

I disagree with porn from an ethical point of view, and so would not be comfortable with a partner watching it.

The normalisation of it is worrying. 30 years ago a man watching porn depicting a man (boy?) with a (his?) step mum and her daughter (at the same time? So incest) would have been considered a total perve. Now it's oh that's totally normal and unremarkable.