To stop my partner from watching porn?

[littlepeaegg]

I know there are threads on SO watching porn etc... but I just need some advice please.

I've been with my partner for 3 1/2 years now. We had a rocky start due to my anxieties but we are great now!

Today I asked if I could have a google on his iPad, and when I opened it up his history was open on the left hand side.

Well, he'd been looking at all sorts of porn! This was when he was away for work last weekend.

Bit of a back story; I've previously asked him if he watched porn and he said it wasn't his thing.

My sex drive is quite low due to meds at the moment, but I have communicated with him regarding this. He said it's absolutely fine.

So I guess I was a bit shocked, firstly that he's lied, which he said was because he was too embarrassed to tell me. And just the fact he watches it really!

I know it's considered 'normal'. I get that. But I just feel really shit and inadequate as a partner!!

How do you feel about this? Is it my insecurities creeping up on me again, that's why I'm upset?

And is it reasonable to ask him to not look at it or will that be too controlling.

He stated that what he does in his private time is up to him, and that it doesn't hurt me etc.

I just thought he might want to fantasise about me haha!

I've gone out for a drive to clear my mind as I'm due to go away for two weeks tomorrow and I really don't want to argue with him before I go!

Am I just being anxious? Any advice welcome. Thank you!

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html

Why do men have to be so disgusting about sex? It should be enough to just watch a couple going at it. But no, they need orgies, s&m, incest, so on. That'd be my biggest concern---what exactly does he look at?

Well and also it seems he lied to you. Especially if he's into a lot of gross stuff-- That's often a sign an addiction has been escalating. If he goes limp a lot when you do have sex, that's another common sign of porn addiction.

May I ask why I need to 'get over myself'?

Bertrand is on the mission here.

I am not even going to bother to answer your question, because you will go on and on and on.
Though I do follow occasionally couple of my fave actresses and they are doing well.

I really think some things said by both sides of the arguments here are quite uncalled for.

Porn - you're watching a woman have sex and you can truly never know if she's fully consented to that, wants to be doing it, what her life history and story is, whether she was desperate for money, what happened. Porn has a very, very dark underbelly - and some of the statistics around it are horrifying.

You don’t need to get over yourself OP. You’re perfectly entitled not to want your partner to watch porn.

I think YABU and he seems v understanding of your lower sex drive.

I also think all the people calling for you to end it are being ridiculous.

I also think all the people calling for you to end it are being ridiculous

Why? I think someone who supports the commodification of women isn’t going to make a great life partner.

Most of the mainstream porn depicts very low quality mechanical and violent sex. It's clearly mostly geared towards men as they are satisfied with blunt stimuli (death grip etc). A lot of it looks very abusive and must do a lot of psychical damage to the female participants, on top of their obvious psychological issues.

It's fascinating that women defend porn so vehemently. I think it's a mixture of denial and wanting to be the ultimate cool gal. Then they have kids, they put on some weight and find out that the other half prefers auto pleasure to footage flawless slim teenagers than sex with them. I've seen many threads where the guy just mysteriously lost interest in sex and it was later found in his compulsive browsing history

It’s up to you to determine your own boundaries, as it is up to him to determine his. Personally I watch porn, and I have no issue with it, but if you do then you have every right to end the relationship to find someone more in line with your values. You’d be wrong to dictate to him that he can’t watch porn though, because that is his choice to make.

Bloody hell. That study couldn't find any men in their 20s who haven't been exposed to porn. I believe pretty much everyone in this day and age have seen porn. It doesn't mean ALL men watch it regularly. Especially not older men.

I have seen porn but I am anti porn and haven't watched it since I was first exposed to it. That study does not prove that all men watch porn. I guess thinking that it does make some women feel better though.

Because relationships are complicated and you don't throw one away in a second based on one disagreement.

You talk about the problem like the OP has now done, and you come to an agreement, like the OP has now done.

Lots of men and women watch porn. Not all of those people are bad people, regardless of whether in an ideal world porn would be regulated or banned.

Also remind him that men wanked perfectly satisfactorily before there was photography or film.

People also used to get about before cars and planes were invented, but we use these methods now because they are easier and better. But an ethical minefield. Like porn.

I think, like travel, or buying clothes made by exploited workers, or eating meat, throwing away food, killing insects etc we have to make ethical choices.

Not all of those people are bad people

But it’s perfectly acceptable and reasonable not to want to carry on a relationship with those people. It’s a fairly fundamental incompatibility for me.

@zippey I agree- that seems really balanced. I think it depends on what type of porn you watch, what clothes you buy... what pest control you use in your garden, etc

We can all do more in lots of areas. It's about trying to make good choices within each mine field

Just an idea, if you guys are serious maybe give him some 'material' to use at those times you have low sex drive. Saying that there's no guarantee he won't look at other kinds of porn but at least you'll be in the mix lol

Yanbu

So- all the people on here who make good ethical choices about their porn in the same war that they do about their clothes, pesticides and meat. Could you explain how you do it?

Give the OP a break! She was shocked to see it and too flipping right. Even if you know they do it, you don't really want to see it on a partners phone do you?? I was googling something on my other halfs iPad and saw the pprn he had googled. It was like a punch in the stomach. He bluffed and faffed but didn't deny it. All I said was ' I don't care but I don't want to see it thanks '.

What about the many reports on MN and in general of teenage boys whose only understand of what sex is about is gained from porn? The teenage girls who accept violent and degrading sex as par for the course because that's what their boyfriends 'expect'? Nothing wrong with that then I suppose?

It amazes me how many people are 'totally cool' with porn and use it, I actually see use of pornography as a sexual dysfunction in itself (not masturbation, which is entirely natural and normal), but pornography, it just strikes me as so utterly dysfunctional that a person cannot pleasure themselves using only their own body and mind and put their own brief pleasure above the degredation and abuse of performers in the industry.

Not to mention the wider societal harms and the damage done to relationships and individuals when young people's first exposure to sex is films depicting violent sexual acts and step-daughter/mother 'action', and the fact that porn addiction is causing real and actual relationships to break down.

I can't believe people are so fucking sexually and mentally out of touch with themselves and others that they think any of this is ok.

It's not ok.

Oh, and the study a PP cited re men watching porn, the critera was that they had 'never' seen any porn, and they couldn't find any participants that had not seen any porn.

I think you'd be hard-pushed to find an adult that hasn't ever seen anything pornographic.

That doesn't mean everyone actively watches porn. I know my husband doesn't. I know he masturbates, he knows I masturbate. Neither of us use porn.

The 'everyone uses porn' coterie are either stupid or wilfully ignorant, I can never decide which.

And I love sex, let's be honest, orgasms are one of life's great free pleasures. And if that pleasure is taken freely, alone or with a willing partner, what's not to like? It's good for the mind and body.

BUT if that pleasure is taken to the detriment of others, if it becomes a compulsion, if that pleasure can only be had by other's debasement, and harm. That's not a pleasure, that's an addiction, a harm, a net loss to the world.

Just because sex in certain forms is postive, it doesn't therefore follow that any sexual gratifictaion or desire is healthy. Far from it.

YANBU to be disgusted by the grossness of it all, and YANBU to expect it is kept where you do not have to encounter it.

YWBU to stop him doing it, that's his business. I would definitely have enough of a go that he doesn't accidentally expose you to it again though, who wants that.