My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

Ah Cindy that sounds really tough. The under 5s is a hard slog I agree. Do any of them go to nursery at all to give you a break? Those 2/3 hours a day were my lifeline!

I don’t think you’re a horrible wife or mum. I think you areexhausted. Your husband wants a relaxing weekend? That’s not on. He can’t do nothing around the house all week followed by nothing at the weekend. If he wants a cheerful wife, he has to help.

You deserve time for you.

I didn't want to read and run but please talk to someone about how you are feeling.

I can connect on some sort of level. I'm a mum to two 3 and under. Barley any support from family. DP works Monday to Friday 7 till 6. They constantly cry and whinge. Youngest will not sleep through the night so barley any sleep at all.

I've found I've lost me, like who am I? I don't know what I enjoy anymore. What would I do with a day to my self? Or a child free night me and DP? Every thing is so repetitive and although I have tried to get back in to work, I've not worked for four years and now most jobs say "must have a years recent experience" I never get a reply.

Being a mum is hard but rewarding at the same time x

You poor soul. Young kids are fucking exhausting. You have 3 under 5, no family support and your husband isn’t much use either. Of course you feel overwhelmed.

I think you need an honest chat with your Dh. I don’t think you are a bad mum just at the end of your rope.

Do any children go to school / nursery ? That is the light at the end of the tunnel for now.

I had a friend in your position and she got herself a Saturday job not to earn money but to get out and leave the kids with her husband for a day.

Although your husband is working, when he is not he needs to parent 50%. He can’t not be a parent just because he works.

You have an awful lot on your plate.

I'm not surprised you feel utterly worn out.

Can you put the dcs to bed earlier? Would they notice? Give you more time to recover.

This is really the hardest time in terms of you not having any time to yourself.

It sounds like your dh isn’t pulling his weight to be honest. I know he works long hours but so do you. You are looking after 3 under 5 full time, that is full on, when do you get time to relax?

When can your children start school for getvthe 15hrs a week nursery placements? This will be a genuine lifeline for you.

How old are they. Do you get any free hours childcare to send them to pre school or nursery for a break?

Firstly, see your GP. You are in an incredibly tough situation that anyone would find hard but the thoughts you're having are symptomatic of depression, possibly post-natal depression, and there is help available for you.

Secondly, your DH is a dick. No matter what his job is, I guarantee it's easier than looking after 3 under 5s. He needs to give you a break at the weekends. Ideally he needs to cut his hours back if possible because that's a horribly long day for you on your own.

Thirdly, you should consider going back to work. Part time, full time - whatever makes the most sense. Even if you only earn enough to pay for childcare or you're operating at a small loss - it will help you get your sanity back.

Fourthly, ask your HV to refer you to HomeStart or SureStart if you're in a SureStart area. You have three kids under 5, no family support and a fairly absent husband - you need and deserve some support. They can sort you out with a volunteer who will give you a break once a week and also invite you to one of their groups which will help you meet other mums in the area and give you a safe space to spend time with other adults.

And finally, ask your HV for some support with your children's behaviour. It sounds like they're acting up and there could well be more effective ways to deal with it - but right now you're so in the thick of it it would be impossible to tackle alone.

You're in an incredibly tough position OP. But you can get through this. One by one they'll go to school and things will ease off a little. Just hold on for now, get all the help you can and wait for brighter days.

Your dh cannot have it both ways - the benefit of a SAHM, all the kids, an attentive wife AND relaxing at the weekends.

Fuck

That.

He needs to be taking the kids at the weekend and you also have family time.

When does your eldest start school? What about the “free” hours for over 3s? Will childcare options become cheaper then?

Do any of them go to day care?

You poor thing. That sounds so shit. I definitely think going back to work is a good idea even if it's just for the headspace.

What I would do, tell my husband I cannot cope anymore and piss off for the entire weekend.
let him deal with all the shit, see what state he is in on the Sunday. He might well be a bit more sympathetic. I'm sure he has no idea what you are dealing with.
This is why I only had one child, I knew I would murder three of them.

You're not a horrible mother. That would break anyone.

Three under five would be super tough even with good support and good money coming in. You don't have support, and money is tight.

I can also remember daydreaming about swift oblivion just because it would be a break and I felt like I was becoming only a shell of a person anyway, so no real loss to anyone, right? Nonsense of course but I felt it. And I only have two children. If I'd had three I can't imagine I'd have coped at all.

For me it got a lot easier as they grew older and more self-sufficient, went to nursery and school. I hope it will soon get easier for you too.

How old are they all? How long until the eldest is in school? Have you looked at nursery places?

You're not a shit mum. I'm assuming from your husband's 'need' for relaxing weekends that you never get a minute to yourself and probably even have to take the kids to appointments and such?
Is your eldest at school and do you use the funded hours for your middle child (I'm just assuming their ages so I might be wrong)? You can't go on like this, it sounds awful.

It is tough with young children but having a supportive partner to share the load with makes such a difference. I assume all the housework and everything that goes with it falls to you too?

You are not failing, your husband is. Is he completely unresponsive to you asking for him to do his share?

I won't lie I've often dreamed of being hospital with something not life threatening or
Too painful just for the rest xxx so you're
Not alone xxx

Take them to a play group you need
To meet some other Mams you won't be the only one x

How long til you start getting free nursery / pre-school? It does improve eventually you know, mine are know 16 & 13 and it’s easier. You need to talk to your DH and explain why you arn’t bubbly in the evenings and get him to help out a bit weekends. You need to be able to get out on your own for a walk, the gym, meet a friend regularly. Are you certain that going back to work isn’t an option? Once the kids get their free hours nursery it subsidises the amount you need to earn to make it worth your while.

I have 2 under 5 and can identify with the feeling of having the life sucked out of me. It's bloody hard work with little ones and no family support. I am permemtly knackered and run down.

I don't feel however like I want to die and that's the bit that really worried me about your post. You need support and the first stop is your Gp. Please tell him or her how you are feeling. It's time to put needs first. You are the primary carer for your children and you have to be fit for the job which means taking time out, making time to exercise or eat well etc.

Could you join local playgroups to make friends with children of the same age? Are you getting out the house much? Feral children need feral surrounding in my opinion. Mine are always better after being out and about even just in the local park.

Oh and your husband needs to step up to support You or he may soon find himself an ex husband

As a SAHM mum of 3 I can't read and run. I think the previous posters have it covered in terms of helpful advice but I have a couple of bits to reinforce.

1. You need time for you. Choose an evening which is yours. Leave the house alone. Sit in the car and read your book, walk, try to find something from your pre kids life you could do. Or something new! Ideally some for of exercise or meditation. You are working 24/7 with no respite and presumably broken sleep too. That's a form of torture you know.
2. 2019 is a world apart from 2018 for me child wise. The youngest are showing glimpses of turning into humans and we've had lots of fun these summer holidays. This has not had an epiphany moment but has crept up over time. No pushchair or nappies really suddenly. You will get there. It will creep around 3). You can cope with loads of stuff after a decent sleep. The smallest problem or irritation can be insurmountable when you're tired. Not just tired - weary after a prolonged period of sleep deprivation. Make your sleep and rest a priority. It gets better. If your kids are fed, clothed and loved, you're smashing it. Maybe if dad had a couple of days in sole charge, he might have a better appreciation of how you feel. I got a bar job which helped with me having my own money and adults speaking to me by name, without the kids. All the best. Finally, my biggest piece of advice
3. Ask for help. Reach out. Anyone. There will be other mums, an old friend you haven't spoken to in ages, someone. Sometimes the people who look like they have it sorted from afar are fighting their own battles and would love a coffee and a chat. Sorry this is rambling. I've had a ridiculously strong cider while my kids watch tv before bed.

No advice but i know you are not exaggerating. I was on my own with 2 under four. Nightmare.

Your DH needs to do a full weekend of childcare twice a month.

What the hell is wrong with him.
FWIW DW and I are about as perfect situation as I can imagine and we are still frazzled by our 5 and 3 yo often.

Your husband needs to step up. And realise how bad you are feeling. 3 under 5 is extremely hard to manage nevermind when you are doing all yourself day in, day out. Was it it a joint decision to have 3 children so close together and to stop working or your husbands? I would try and get to a children’s centre and also look into free nursery hours.