My children have sucked the life out of me

[Cindy55]

I have three children under five, and I feel the last five years have been the worst of my life. I’m a SAHM which wasn’t my choice as we can’t afford childcare as my profession doesn’t pay much.

My kids are difficult, they cry 24.7, whinge and destroy everything they touch. Every simple task has become difficult, getting them to brush their teeth, eating their fruit and veg, brushing their hair, they act like feral animals all the time.

I rush everything all day, I’m rushing to have a shower, brushing my teeth, laundry, cleaning, hoovering before the next child wakes or cries. I’m lucky if I can brush my hair sometimes. I was eating an apple as fast as I could as my DD was whinging for something, I nearly choked and that’s when I broke down crying hysterically. That in my pathetic life I can’t even finish a stupid apple properly.

I have no support, DH works long hours as he doesn’t earn much so we need the overtime. He comes home at nine, by then I’m just a zombie watching any shite on tv. Then he kicks off as I’m not bubbly or attentive enough to listen to his work stories. From 6am to 7.30pm I’m just running after my kids. After 7.30 I put the house back together, clean kitchen etc. By 9, I want one hour to myself doing nothing not rushing anything, but I can’t as my DH wants company and chatter.

My friends and family live miles away, they don’t visit anyway as my kids are too much for them. Obviously we aren’t invited as no one wants three kids staying with them. My siblings don’t have any children and make no effort with mine. I haven’t made any new friends here, so its a very lonely existence.

I miss my old life. I miss working, wearing nice clothes, having a nice social life, having money to buy things, having conversations with people, eating out, exercising etc. I haven’t felt any joy in years, I don’t find happiness in anything anymore. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t here anymore, that I just die in my sleep.

I don’t know what I’m asking advice for but I hate being a mother. I feel they have sucked every ounce of who I was, and sometimes I regret having them. So I feel like a horrible mother all the time.

I wouldn’t ever kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my kids and DH. However, I wish it would happen naturally, a drunk driver crashed into me or I collapse. I know I’m awful but I get no break, I wake up to a very loud crying baby and go sleep to a man telling me I’m such a miserable wife now. On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

I can remember feeling just like that when my kids were young. However, my OH stepped up when he was home, and yours isn't . He is being very selfish. I went away for a week and left my husband looking after 3 young children and he managed. It was a lifesaver for me. Your OH needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Just book some time away and tell him he's on parent duty. I bet if he wants to do things he can do them.
I would second the idea of getting a part time job doing something. I found when I went back to work it was a lifesaver in terms of my mental health. I didn't even enjoy the job, but having a life outside the house saved my sanity.
If your husband won't pull his weight, I would really question whether you want to stay in the marriage.

He can't (won't) cope with 3, but you're expected to most of your waking hours ... and sleeping when the baby wakes up no doubt.

Your DH is an arse

Tell him to book a week off because you're going away for a week to visit friends/family/sit in a spa hotel by yourself. Whatever. And he must do the childcare routine on his own, no help, just like you do it.

And when you get back, you'll tall about the state of your marriage and about how you cannot (not won't, but can't) go on this way. He gets on baord understanding what you go through, doing it himself, so you can have a rational, meaningful discussion about what you life is like as a full tie SAHP with a non-supportive, selfish wanker as a husband.

What a tough gig. I've only got 1 under 5 and the 3 days I spent in hospital having a major operation were like a trip to a spa. People actually cared about my well being and I got to sleep (albeit aided by meds). Could you get any childcare free hours as PP mentioned? Even if you just broke even a part time job would give you an 'out' from the relentless drudgery and you would get to speak to other adults, use the loo uninterrupted and have hot food when you wanted. That's basically what I go to work for !

He says he can’t handle all three alone, but he will need to as I don’t get a choice

Tell him he'd better start learning to 'handle all three alone' as he may have to do it every other weekend quite soon if he doesn't start giving you a break.

Aw op I feel your pain. I have three DC with very similar age gaps and at times it's frankly hell. My dh is great but works long hours and by the time he's in and the kids are in bed i am craving silence.

You need to get tougher with your dc though. I was a total martyr until my own DM saw what was happening and (basically forced) the kids to play independently for ten mins a day so I could sit in peace with a cup of tea.

Sometimes the older ones need to be made to entertain the younger. it won't hurt them. Also we sleep trained the youngest (controversial I know) but god I needed the sleep.

You're not alone op and it gets easier

Can you afford help at all? When I was newly qualified I would have jumped at the chance of being a mother's help for £6 an hour. Even 3 or 4 hours a week to share the load would give you a little breathing space wouldn't it? My advice would be to contact your local childcare college and ask if they have any students or know of anyone now qualified who might be interested.

Soft play is also your friend. Find one safe for all ages dump them in and ignore them for two hours and play on your phone or read. I am forever sat inside the baby bit pretty much ignoring my kids but because I'm present they're happy.

Follow up with kids lunchboxes or bring a picnic and eat it in the car if need be. It's my easy option if it's all going tits up!

Don't give your Dh a choice in whether he can look after all 3 by himself. You certainly don't get the choice.

When he is up on the weekend either tell him you are going out for a bit or if you think he will try to stop you then actually leave and ring him once you are out.

I am a SAHM and only had 2 children. I have a fully hands on Dh but it was still tough, relentless days of juggling everybody's else's needs but never my own in the day. It does get better but whilst you are in it it seems endless.

You need a regular scheduled break on the weekend. Of course he wants to "relax" but where is your time to relax? He either takes them out to the park or you get to leave the house and leave him to it. The only way he will learn to cope is to do it.

I would also say return to your GP, just because one med didn't work doesn't mean they all won't help. It can be a life saver.

I remember feeling the same OP

3 DC under 5, no family support & a 'D'H who said his job was at work, my work is at home. I don't even recognise myself on photos from then, I was completely broken.
It's isolating and demoralising. Your DH is a selfish, backwards-thinking man if he thinks his workday stops the minute he leaves the office.

You really do need to lay the cards out for DH before it is too late to fix. Your exhaustion will only act as a catalyst to your resentment - he either needs to shape up or ship out - they are his DC too.
How dare he say he "can't cope with all three?"...he made them!

If he won't engage with you, I would be thinking about ending the rship. DC3 was unplanned as you said, but right now it sounds like you're catering to the needs of 4 dependants.

OP I totally understand the bit about hospital- that’s how extreme it feels. I was so exhausted my autistic son and my husband’s lack of support and understanding that I joked that my pre planned c section when I refused any visitors was the only way I would get s break but it wasn’t a joke . That’s pretty scary. My husband from whom I am separated still Manages to refuse me a proper rest because his flat is unsuitable for the kids and he can’t take them out alone because he can’t handle them both on his own. It’s blood boiling it really is .

I felt exactly the same as you. I had 2 small DC (23 months apart) and trying to run a full time business from home AT the same time. Thought it would be the best time to start my business. What an idiot I was. I ended up at the doctors as I knew I was spiralling down, and needed some help. I ended being diagnosed as severely depressed and immediately put on antidepressants. By a doctor who very, very rarely dished them out. I think it was when I explained to her that I fantasised about being put in the psyche ward in our hospital for a few weeks so I could get some rest and be left alone and that of course I couldn’t kill myself because “I’ve got the babies to think about” but wouldn’t it be nice to disappear forever...that forced her hand. And this was with a super hands on husband. I hear you and feel your pain OP. Hang in there. And you need your asshole husband to shakeup. What the hell is wrong with him!

Although your husband is working, when he is not he needs to parent 50%

No, he needs to be a parent 100%, like OP does. I see your point, because he works and earns an income, and she doesn’t, but a parent—male or female—doesn’t get time off.

This applies to working, not-working, stepping, support/no-support, money/no money, etc. There is just a universe of tasks that needs to be done, and everyone who is a parent has to do it.

You have a husband problem. Fuck off for a weekend and leave him to do the work.

@Cindy55 I could of wrote this myself! My 3 are a little bit older but still the same shit! Never get on, want what the other has, fight. I am absolutely drained to add to it my DH is in prison! I don’t want to do this anymore. The only thing getting me through is getting interviews for a job iv finally got one and start in a couple of weeks I don’t even care if I’m not better of than on benefits I just want to be me again! I want to talk to adults, eat in peace and actually think about something else. I feel awful writing that but it’s so so hard 😔

Get a family calendar and sit him down with it.

You say how close you are to breaking, you are serious and something has to change. From now on, weekends = joint parenting. Set out time for him to relax, time for you to relax and some parts where you each have 1 to 1 with the DC and time all together.

I had 3 under 5 - it was relentless, exhausting and I don't honestly know how I got through it. The eldest going to school made a huge difference, then the middle one started playgroup and I had mornings with just 1 who had a good nap routine. By the time the youngest started school, I was bereft at the thought of not having them at home with me. It does get better. But you need to sort out the immediate present first

On the weekends my DH wants to relax so I’m still looking after the kids.

Well, he has to step up and start sharing the parenting load, the selfish twat. Doesn't he realise you'd like to do the same? So why do his wishes take precedence??

aw op it's so tough. I'm not at all surprised you're feeling the way you're feeling. modern motherhood is just shit sometimes. you're expected to do so so much on your own. care, cook, clean to an impossible standard. it's so lonely and draining.

you've received loads of advice. what do you think is your priority/ what change would be manageable for you?

Are you in the uk? Can you contact home start if you are?

Op. How does your dp justify simultaneously claiming the dc are too hard for him to handle, whilst thinking he should be the one to have a break at the weekend? Either they're hard, and thus it's you who needs a break, or they're not, in which case he can do it occasionally. (And that ignores the fact that looking after children is a billion times harder when you look after them 24-7 rather than for a few hours because of the relentlessness and monotony).

Its your dp that's the problem.

One immediate thing you can change is to have some you time (albeit in the house) between 7.30 and 9pm. Do the housework etc when he walks in and not before.

It sounds like you both have(/had) similar-paying jobs? Would they both accept PT work? You could get a similar household income, and not have to do the childcare 5 days a week.

Who decided you would be the SAHP? Did you just default into it because of mat leave?

I like the suggestion of getting a Saturday job.

Your DH is going to have to learn how to handle all 3 kids himself. You do it 5 days a week, he can do it 1. At the moment he's choosing not to - he sees it's hard, and puts up some resistance so you keep doing it. That's hugely selfish and utterly unfair.

Your problem is your H, not your DC. He needs a kick in the cock - not only is he doing absolutely fuck all in the way of domestic work/childcare, but he is demanding you entertain him and pander to him, as well. (Does he expect sex whether you are interested or not, as well?) Even if his job is physically demanding, he doesn't get to be the only person in the house allowed leisure time: he should look after the DC one weekend morning, so you get a lie in, and one evening a week so you can go out.see a friend, watch a film, go and have a quiet drink somewhere. You are not his servant.

Hello - I think you need to accept that this is too much and not working for you. You do not need to do it all alone - some options - get a babysitter one day a week, get an au pair, go to a momma and toddlers group for adult company, I am sorry to say , but if you are feeling that it is too hard, then it is definitely hard for your children aswell. You need to put your own mental health first. Then you can care for your children.

I haven't read the thread but I just had to say that you are not a terrible mum.

It is HARD! I felt just the same as a sahm to 2 under 2, to me you are a hero.

I only survived because my DH was excellent at giving me time to myself at the weekend. Your DH has to step up. And please ask for help. Now mine are a bit easier I have lots of friends where you are. I would babysit their children at the drop of a hat. I know how hard it is and what they need. But I won't push them, they need to ask. I bet you have friends like that - please ask. They can only say no!

I actually spent a night totally alone in a hotel once. Was the best thing ever!

Tell DH what you need

You are living my idea of hell. I only have one child and those years were hard enough.

I think your DP needs to understand that however hard he is working you are working at least as hard, and you need some time off. He can fuck off with not being able to handle them, when he has to for a day at the weekend perhaps he will gain some respect for what you’re doing and how you’re feeling. Small children are relentless.

A PP said that you need to look after yourself first to make sure you’re fit to look after your children. Wise words I subscribe to wholly. Do whatever you need to to get time to yourself.

OP,

It sounds like hell for you.

You need to see your GP and spell out how bad you are feeling.

You need to tell that twat you are married to that he had better get used to them on his own.

See how bubbly he is after a 12 hour shift with the 3 of them. Selfish twat.

Sometimes I feel very sad when I look back at pictures of when my children were small.
They were so gorgeous and good and sweet. But I was too wrecked, shattered and emotionally worn out at times to enjoy them. I had a good husband who pulled his weight too.

I certainly don't think you should beat yourself up for your regret either.

The relentless slog of looking after them and keeping a house going is beyond exhausting.

I certainly have had moments when I've thought that there is a major conspiracy of silence as to how hard child rearing is.

Know that you are not alone and that people wish you strength.